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I'm 24 years old. I was a Student at CSUSB with an abundant social circle. Every week we'd play football or basketball at the local park, go out as friends to the club or bar, we even started a halfway successful business. It was an adventure. Every week we were in a different city. From Los Angeles to Vegas to San Diego. It wasn't perfect though. The liberalism, high traffic, reverse racism, heat, high taxes, low economic freedom, and the violence to name a few were becoming unbearable. Since I'm half Black, I was tired of people assuming that I was a criminal, or that I needed some type of assistance from liberals to help me get on track; that I was a victim. I was tired of fellow Blacks seeing education and pride in one's nation as taboo.
My Girlfriend decided to go to BSU, but I did not want to because I was afraid of what might happen when I got there. I was afraid that I'd be lonely and be surrounded by Men who were not like me. I was afraid of being physically and mentally different. We broke up immediately thereafter, but what we did not know that when she left, she was pregnant. So I decided to move with her as soon as the semester was over. to take care of my daughter. i did not want to raise her in California. When that day came, I packed my bags and did not look back. I had been ready to go for over a year.
I was excited to be here for the first few weeks. I landed on the 7th of January. Then, things got rough for me. After class, I go home. After work, I go home. After I go to the gym, I go home. I haven't made a single friend. I tried going to Humpin Hannah's and everyone seems to have their closed social circles. My Girlfriend is literally the only person I interact with on a daily basis and all we do is sit on the couch or run errands. This is hell for me. I want to go home but there is nothing to go back to. My Parents house? My brother lives there and he's addicted to cocaine and marijuana. I don't want to go backward either. Sometimes I just want to be single, but then what? I feel stuck. I feel regretful every single day. I feel like I would be a bad father or irresponsible to just up and leave. Is this it? I had so many big dreams as a kid... and now this is life I guess. 24 years old... I'd rather die than continue to live if this is life. I honestly thought the damaging effects of Social Media only happened in California. I guess people are anti-social no matter where you go.
Ah, the newbie-ness of being in a different town. We've all faced if we've moved. So, you're getting out there by hitting the gym, school and work. Now you need to use those outlets to find some familiar territory. I can tell you enjoy being active in sports. Boise has indoor soccer leagues, maybe give that a go? You'd have to wait for football. Maybe now is the time to try something new? Archery, shooting sidearms, snow skiing, snow shoeing to name a few.
Was the business you set up in CA something that was a niche or can it possibly be branched out in Boise?
If you're honest when you say that the boredom feels like it's going to lead to depression, my advice is to stay out of the bars!! That will only catapult things, your daughter doesn't need that
I feel for you--Idaho can be an especially lonely place if you don't have some sort of social circle locked down. Cultivating deeper friendships beyond the purported "Boise nice" take a lot of work here! (more so than any place I'd lived). So, you're absolutely not alone here with those frustrations, if that helps any. My first advice is to stay out of the bars. Boise has a very boozy local culture and I've noticed A LOT of people in the city drink to self-medicate against depression or even just boredom. Winter is a tough season here too, especially if you're not a wintersports person. However, if you're so inclined to try, there are many outdoor groups that welcome newbies.
But it sounds like you're going through a lot in addition Boise's tough social scene. Perhaps there's a some support group for new parents that would be able to help you talk it out? or even a mental health professional? Wishing you the best!
Of course, life is what you make it, but right now you're grieving the loss of what you had and not fully understanding of what's to come.
So, it may help you to avoid depression by thinking of life as a series of phases. Your GF is in college, so there's no reason you have to stay in Idaho forever. So just focus on what's important RIGHT NOW. When that baby arrives, you will have a whole new outlook.
And parenting a newborn can be very isolating because it's extremely tough. It's physically exhausting. So just put yourself in survival mode and focus on keeping that baby safe and happy. Don't look too far down "the road" of your life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Matkovitch
I had so many big dreams as a kid... and now this is life I guess.
It's what you know of life so far. But you have so many more things to see and do, and you will. Relax.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Matkovitch
24 years old... I'd rather die than continue to live if this is life. I honestly thought the damaging effects of Social Media only happened in California. I guess people are anti-social no matter where you go.
You won't die. Like I said, you're grieving. Just keep your expectations very small right now and find things to be thankful for throughout the day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Matkovitch
I'm expecting negative replies.
Probably because you're in a very negative mindset right now. But there are more experienced people here who understand what you're thinking and feeling and know that it's not permanent.
Becoming a parent forces us to grow up, and part of that process is shedding thoughts that centered only on ourselves.
It can be a painful process, but it's necessary. How you manage it is just part of your character building, which came along a little more suddenly than you were expecting.
- taking care of your kids
- earning a living
- working on a better future (college, a business, etc.)
That will take up most of your time, and over time you'll meet like-minded people who become friends. 'Over time' is months to years.
If you ever find you're not happy with how things are going, think about how you're spending your time and make changes that will lead to whatever goal is important to you.
I'm 24 years old. I was a Student at CSUSB with an abundant social circle. Every week we'd play football or basketball at the local park, go out as friends to the club or bar, we even started a halfway successful business. It was an adventure. Every week we were in a different city. From Los Angeles to Vegas to San Diego. It wasn't perfect though. The liberalism, high traffic, reverse racism, heat, high taxes, low economic freedom, and the violence to name a few were becoming unbearable. Since I'm half Black, I was tired of people assuming that I was a criminal, or that I needed some type of assistance from liberals to help me get on track; that I was a victim. I was tired of fellow Blacks seeing education and pride in one's nation as taboo.
My Girlfriend decided to go to BSU, but I did not want to because I was afraid of what might happen when I got there. I was afraid that I'd be lonely and be surrounded by Men who were not like me. I was afraid of being physically and mentally different. We broke up immediately thereafter, but what we did not know that when she left, she was pregnant. So I decided to move with her as soon as the semester was over. to take care of my daughter. i did not want to raise her in California. When that day came, I packed my bags and did not look back. I had been ready to go for over a year.
I was excited to be here for the first few weeks. I landed on the 7th of January. Then, things got rough for me. After class, I go home. After work, I go home. After I go to the gym, I go home. I haven't made a single friend. I tried going to Humpin Hannah's and everyone seems to have their closed social circles. My Girlfriend is literally the only person I interact with on a daily basis and all we do is sit on the couch or run errands. This is hell for me. I want to go home but there is nothing to go back to. My Parents house? My brother lives there and he's addicted to cocaine and marijuana. I don't want to go backward either. Sometimes I just want to be single, but then what? I feel stuck. I feel regretful every single day. I feel like I would be a bad father or irresponsible to just up and leave. Is this it? I had so many big dreams as a kid... and now this is life I guess. 24 years old... I'd rather die than continue to live if this is life. I honestly thought the damaging effects of Social Media only happened in California. I guess people are anti-social no matter where you go.
I'm expecting negative replies.
Response in order of bolded above:
1. Young man, you are no less than impressive. I have to throw this in at the beginning because you are a young man to be admired. Respect!
2. I too am in CA and am escaping to Idaho this spring. I understand your issues with CA, as they are mine too. I tell you this because I want you to know your thoughts and feelings about CA are not lost on me, and I agree with you.
3. You are not "stuck" in your life. I understand that feeling too; but, given that I have some age on me, know it will likely pass for you. Wherever you go, there you are. You cannot escape YOU. You are very intelligent, engaging and warm-hearted, so the likelihood of you being able to make friends in Idaho, or any state, is very high and certain. You moved to a another state in the wintertime when the activities, and those who engage in them, are less likely to happen. Give it some time, please. Please give the fine people of Idaho a chance to thaw from the winter and come out to engage in the activities you like with you. What I am saying is please slow down a bit and give life some time to catch up to your expectations. Just slow down. That's it.
4. You are waaaay too young to feel as though you regret every single day of your life. Those words you said bring sadness to me for you. Please do not despair. It's a bit early to think or feel that your life in Idaho will not improve and develop into a life you will enjoy and thrive from. It's way too early to conclude that Boise is a dud of a city. I believe that once springtime rolls around, and then summer, your social life and circle will grow exponentially and alleviate your feelings of despair and isolation and feeling lost in your own life. You are not lost; you are fine. Relax.
5. Yes, it would be irresponsible of you to leave your precious daughter. You brought her into this world, and now it is your job to guide her through it. She needs her Dad to teach, protect, guide and love her. You are, and always will be, one of the most important and cherished people in her life. Act like that, Dad! How lucky are you! You are a parent now and that is the most important role you have in life, until you raise your daughter into the impressive, loving young woman she has a chance to become with the guidance, presence and love of her father--YOU. She needs you, and you need her. If you leave her, she may come to forgive you in time, but you will never forgive yourself. Act in accordance with the morals you have that shine through your words and let that guide you.
6. NO, you do not want to die. If you did, you would not be trying to figure out a way to live a life that holds values, meaning and purpose for you. So your life is not adding up to the life you want right now and not going your way--welcome to the human condition. You are more like the rest of us, than you are different, but you know this. That is the struggle in life we all face. Your position in life and your feelings about life are just situational. Meaning, they will change and so too will your outlook on and feelings about life. Please, let time be your friend, not your enemy. Spring and summer there in Boise will hold new friends and adventures for you.
Do not take yourself from your daughter. She needs you.
Please do not go back "home" to live with your parents because you do not need exposure to drugs and other influences that will ruin the life you have and could have had. I am glad you see that is not an option.
No negative replies here. Just support and words of encouragement., my friend.
You are not alone. We are here for you; keep posting and let us support you through this.
My warmest and sincere thoughts and feelings of support of and care for you,
Being a new parent can be very isolating, being away from family and friends is also difficult. I know how you feel, i left my friends and family in the uk and moved stateside to a small city in the Midwest. Everyone in that town grew up with each other and they weren't about to invite a newbie in.
Like OP, i went to work, came home, went to the gym, came home, ran errands, came home. After i gave birth to my son a few years later i felt even more lonely. Things got easier when my son started preschool, i suddenly found other parents with a common interest, some were still cliquey but it also bought out the moms like me that didn't grow up in the town and we became fast friends.
I did something similar when my wife went to grad school. I left my family and friends in NY to be with my wife in Michigan. I visited a few times and it seemed livable so I packed all my stuff into a rental car and headed west. I was 26 at the time.
I found a job within 6 months and did about the same as you. Work, home, every day. It was very hard for me to make friends as all of the men I worked with were into hunting, ice fishing, riding snowmobiles, etc. As someone that grew up in the suburbs of NYC it was completely foreign to me and I felt like I didn't belong there. All of her friends were grad students too so they were all nerds. Even though my girlfriend (now wife) was super busy with school I managed to make a few friends to hang out with. Aside from that, I got my happiness from living with the girl I loved and starting our life together. I found happiness from within and made the most of a not so ideal situation. I kept telling myself "it's only temporary" and "we won't be here forever" and that got me through the endless, freezing cold winters and the fact that I had very few friends.
Once she finished at Michigan, her first academic post was at NYU. We got to move back home and lived it up in the city for 7 years. It was like a dream come true.
20 years on, we have a house, kids and everything that we could ever want. But some of my best memories are those early days of us living together in our little apartment finding our way were the best times. Just know that nothing is permanent, this is not a life sentence and when she finishes college you can move wherever you want.
Take care of your baby. You are a father, act like it.
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