A year of pain-please advise (sociopathic, boyfriends, marry, guys)

[Gemi]

Originally Posted by miu

Well... don't let him guilt you on his decision to quit his placement. Maybe he can talk to one of his old advisors and get back on his academic track again.

How old are the two of you?

We both are 22.

He ditched his placement year in the UK. Still, has a bachelor's degree. But not the right job. Earlier, I always attributed this abuse, swear-words to his frustration. But am I not finding excuses for him??

[songinthewind7]

Guilt is what he uses to control you.
It sounds like you know that now but want other opinions so my opinion is to run from this guy the other way as fast as you can.
You're 22, young and just starting out with relationships. Remember the saying, you've go to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince? It's true but never ever feel guilty of letting go of a jerk. You'll be better off in the long run, feeling a little guilty or sad but better to feel like that for awhile than go through a lifetime with someone like this guy.
There are a lot of nice guys in the world and they're waiting for a nice gal to come along. Don't make the mistake some of us 'older' ladies have made (either now or in the past) I was in that situation in my early 20's. Learn from it now.

[itlchick]

Originally Posted by Gemi

Really? Reading this made me cry. I said before; And I believe in it: I don't think good guy exists. I'm scared of taking calls from the only one I thought was good.

Still, God bless you.

Gemi - yep, really hon. My husband has never once made me afraid, threatened to hurt me, hit me, tried to control me.

Good guys ARE out there. A lot of times women choose guys like this because they need to work on some stuff with themselves. A good counselor can be a wonderful way to look at life in a better way, and to choose better people.

I would suggest making a appointment with someone who can help you with this situation AND help you not to make the same mistake twice.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by Gemi

Just yesterday night, I scrapped back a guy on orkut.

OK, could someone please interpret this for me: what does "scrapped back a guy on orkut" mean?

[JerZ]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

OK, could someone please interpret this for me: what does "scrapped back a guy on orkut" mean?

I don't know. It sounds like something out of A Clockwork Orange.

[endersshadow]

Is it really that hard to leave someone? Especially if it's an abusive relationship? Especially if the person knows he/she is being abused?

Married folks with kids leave an abusive relationship. I'm sure you can manage.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by JerZ

...It sounds like something out of A Clockwork Orange

Please! Don't play Beethoven's Ninth!

[itlchick]

Oh yes, it's hard for several reasons.

1) women who pick men like this typically have a lot of problems they need work on. Especially (and I hate this term but bear with me) self-esteem, and co-dependence.

2) These guys are very very slick. They know just what to say to keep these women. Some examples might be:
* "Just stay tonight, I need you, I'm going to hurt myself <pulls out knife>"
* saying the woman's worse fear about herself (you're a bad mother/will be alone, etc)
* "I'm an alcoholic" (to the woman who thinks he hits her b/c he's an alcoholic)
* "I'm going to marry you and we're going to have a baby" (to the woman who grew up without a father, fantasizing about her wedding day)

3) he's not abusive all the time. It's hard to think of him as a "bad guy" They blame his bad childhood, think that's not the "real" him (of course, both sides are real).

4) Deep down, the women love them, and want to believe that he'll change. And he does. For awhile...

You're right though, throw marriage and kids in the mix - it's even worse

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by itlchick

3) he's not abusive all the time. It's hard to think of him as a "bad guy" They blame his bad childhood, think that's not the "real" him (of course, both sides are real).

You're right - intermittent reinforcement IS hideous.

UNDERSTANDING STAY/LEAVE DECISIONS IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS: A BEHAVIOR ANALYTIC APPROACH | Behavior and Social Issues | Find Articles at BNET.com - heavier material

Why You're Still Dating That Jerk(ette)! > Dating > Stories > Denver > YourHub.com (http://denver.yourhub.com/Denver/Stories/Connections/Dating/Story~260857.aspx - broken link) - light material

Many experiments have been done proving this theory. Here's my short version of the chicken experiment. Two chickens peck, but one is given a pellet every time it pecks, while the other is given a pellet every 5th time, let's say. After a while, no more pellets are given to both of them. The first chicken (the one used to getting them every time) pecks once or twice, gives up, and walks away. However, the 2nd chicken keeps pecking in frustration...

[artsyguy]

do people not have discussions about these matters when they are in those types of relationships

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

You're right - intermittent reinforcement IS hideous.

UNDERSTANDING STAY/LEAVE DECISIONS IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS: A BEHAVIOR ANALYTIC APPROACH | Behavior and Social Issues | Find Articles at BNET.com - heavier material

Why You're Still Dating That Jerk(ette)! > Dating > Stories > Denver > YourHub.com (http://denver.yourhub.com/Denver/Stories/Connections/Dating/Story~260857.aspx - broken link) - light material

Many experiments have been done proving this theory. Here's my short version of the chicken experiment. Two chickens peck, but one is given a pellet every time it pecks, while the other is given a pellet every 5th time, let's say. After a while, no more pellets are given to both of them. The first chicken (the one used to getting them every time) pecks once or twice, gives up, and walks away. However, the 2nd chicken keeps pecking in frustration...