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Hello everyone, sorry for any errors that may occur. I am 28 years old and my boyfriend (or ex, I don't know...) is 25. I am European and he is from another continent. We got togheter 8 months ago. Our relationship was very intense and I really loved him. He told me that I was the first girl he opened up to and I think he loved me, he also told me many times; he has a lot of problems opening himself up, he doesn't talk about his problems at all. Also, he get offended VERY VERY easely.
I started our relationship after almost 3 years single. I suffer from anxiety ,depression and low self esteem but I am so much better now thanks to therapy. So, this past Monday (11 th of February) we had sex , but the condom broke...I was very scared and started crying, he didn't say anything to help me out or cheer me up. He NEVER talk during arguments, but we RARELY had arguments! The main problem is that he doesn't talk so I don't know what he is thinking, especially during an argument. He isn't capable of helping when you are emotionally down. He is a very , I'd say "raw" person. I guess I justified him too much because of his life story (he came from Africa to live here and start a new life). I also guess that I overrated him (I don't know if I can say this in English) and I also guess that I just wanted to be loved and love. I took the morning after pill by the way and while I was at the pharmacy he was outside talking at the phone and didn't care at all... So, after I went to the pharmacy he basically (while never talking...) stormed off and went home!!! he took the subway and left me at the station. Keep in mind that during this argument after sex (which basically WASN'T an argument) I DIDN'T insult him, I just asked for some compassion and help because I was scared...he only said that crying isn't a solution and that I was acting like a baby. So I was very sad.
He doens't talk during discussions or confrontation!! So basically after he left me alone I sent him an audio which said " since you left me alone like a dog in the street, we will never see each other again!" but I was angry! I think is normal during an argument to be angry! I wanted to make him understand that I too, want to be supported when in need; he replied me :"fine, you will be more happy and at peace if we never see each other". 2 days later I wrote to him " I was angry because you stormed off and left me alone, don't take my words literally, I know you did and that you are offended." He didn't reply but he has read it.
Then later in the day I wrote him again "ok. I really care about our relationship and I don't want to lose it. It can happen to argue strongly sometimes. I feel so bad when we argue. You are free to believe me or not. Have a good day." He still hasn't replied. So I basically said sorry even if he was wrong, in my opinion. I always contacted him first after a discussion (rarely happened btw to discuss). I am afraid to call him because I know he has left me. I mean he got offended because I said to break things off, but it was clear I was angry! didn't mean to left him, I was angry that's it. Also, how can you break things off in such a way??? I mean we didn't even talk !!!
Also, if you love a person, how can you lose love after less than 2 days?? He made an Instagram story with a stupid beak up song. wft. He is so emotionally immature. I know I have non existent self esteem, I feel trash and a loser because I am an over sensitive person and I always suffer. Also, with him I was always extremely calm and kind, caring and loving, because I wanted things to go very well since I suffered a lot after my last relationship. I need advice from you guys.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience above. You sound like you're better able to communicate than he is. I will say that based on the above only (and you may not want to hear this), that it is not true love on his part if he has done those things and could just leave you there. I would have left it at your letter expressing displeasure at him just leaving you there "like a dog in the street" and would not have wrote back trying to explain and apologize at all for it. Not only will he probably lose some respect for that, but you end up selling yourself short. You deserve better than that treatment from him.
I understand your desire to love and be loved. Everyone has that desire. out of that desire sometimes we don't look at things as objectively or compromise ourselves in ways we shouldn't.
EDIT: the situation is solved now, I am glad!! I will learn from my mistakes and we will try to improve ourself! He didn't saw that the condom was broken and I guess I overreacted...
YOUR mistakes? So you went and begged him to forgive you even though he treated you like total garbage and now you're happy to be back with his abuse and rude disrespectful behavior? WHY? You got lucky when he took you seriously telling him the relationship was over. I'm very disappointed to hear that you forgave him for his disgusting behavior and that you're actually happy about being back together.
Just my opinion, but it sounds to me that he doesn't care for you emotional outbursts and it creates an unsafe environment for him to speak freely. Your intense emotions are probably scaring him off.
Hello everyone, sorry for any errors that may occur. I am 28 years old and my boyfriend (or ex, I don't know...) is 25. I am European and he is from another continent. We got togheter 8 months ago. Our relationship was very intense and I really loved him. He told me that I was the first girl he opened up to and I think he loved me, he also told me many times; he has a lot of problems opening himself up, he doesn't talk about his problems at all. Also, he get offended VERY VERY easely.
Big warning sign. If you have to walk around as if on eggshells, your relationship doesn't have a future.
I started our relationship after almost 3 years single. I suffer from anxiety ,depression and low self esteem but I am so much better now thanks to therapy. So, this past Monday (11 th of February) we had sex , but the condom broke...I was very scared and started crying, he didn't say anything to help me out or cheer me up. He NEVER talk during arguments, but we RARELY had arguments! The main problem is that he doesn't talk so I don't know what he is thinking, especially during an argument. He isn't capable of helping when you are emotionally down. He is a very , I'd say "raw" person. I guess I justified him too much because of his life story (he came from Africa to live here and start a new life). I also guess that I overrated him (I don't know if I can say this in English) and I also guess that I just wanted to be loved and love. I took the morning after pill by the way and while I was at the pharmacy he was outside talking at the phone and didn't care at all... So, after I went to the pharmacy he basically (while never talking...) stormed off and went home!!! he took the subway and left me at the station. Keep in mind that during this argument after sex (which basically WASN'T an argument) I DIDN'T insult him, I just asked for some compassion and help because I was scared...he only said that crying isn't a solution and that I was acting like a baby. So I was very sad.
This is the point where you should have walked away.
He doens't talk during discussions or confrontation!! So basically after he left me alone I sent him an audio which said " since you left me alone like a dog in the street, we will never see each other again!" but I was angry! I think is normal during an argument to be angry! I wanted to make him understand that I too, want to be supported when in need; he replied me :"fine, you will be more happy and at peace if we never see each other". 2 days later I wrote to him " I was angry because you stormed off and left me alone, don't take my words literally, I know you did and that you are offended." He didn't reply but he has read it.
You were legitimately angry with him and did the right thing by breaking things off. Then you caved. Now he has no respect for you.
Then later in the day I wrote him again "ok. I really care about our relationship and I don't want to lose it.
You don't have a relationship. At least not a very healthy one.
It can happen to argue strongly sometimes. I feel so bad when we argue. You are free to believe me or not. Have a good day." He still hasn't replied. So I basically said sorry even if he was wrong, in my opinion. I always contacted him first after a discussion (rarely happened btw to discuss). I am afraid to call him because I know he has left me. I mean he got offended because I said to break things off, but it was clear I was angry! didn't mean to left him, I was angry that's it. Also, how can you break things off in such a way??? I mean we didn't even talk !!!
Also, if you love a person, how can you lose love after less than 2 days?? He made an Instagram story with a stupid beak up song. wft. He is so emotionally immature. I know I have non existent self esteem, I feel trash and a loser because I am an over sensitive person and I always suffer. Also, with him I was always extremely calm and kind, caring and loving, because I wanted things to go very well since I suffered a lot after my last relationship. I need advice from you guys.
This one's easy. The guy is a borderline abuser. Walk away. Find someone better for you. Oh, and respect yourself. Because if you don't, who else will?
What you do next says more about you, than about him.
Edit: Ahhhhh. You went back. Got it.
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YOUR mistakes? So you went and begged him to forgive you even though he treated you like total garbage and now you're happy to be back with his abuse and rude disrespectful behavior? WHY? You got lucky when he took you seriously telling him the relationship was over. I'm very disappointed to hear that you forgave him for his disgusting behavior and that you're actually happy about being back together.
It's a cultural thing. The fact is that we have different ways to elaborate our emotions, I know that. And I have to remind this to myself every now and then...I am very emotional and he tend to keep stuff to himself, even he told me that at the beginning, but when we argue I forget about it.
Don't sound like this guy is capable of giving you the emotional support, compassion and understanding you need and desire of him. If this is the case, then you need to let him go his way and find someone who will support your emotional needs. Some people are just not made that way, and no point in wasting time with someone who will probably never give you what you need on a emotional level. Sounds like he have his own issues to deal with as well. When two people are struggling with issues, it can be tough on a relationship.
It's a cultural thing. The fact is that we have different ways to elaborate our emotions, I know that. And I have to remind this to myself every now and then...I am very emotional and he tend to keep stuff to himself, even he told me that at the beginning, but when we argue I forget about it.
Knowing the reason doesn't change anything, or make it acceptable. Get used to it, and don't complain, because you KNOW what you are getting into. It's your choice.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Knowing the reason doesn't change anything, or make it acceptable. Get used to it, and don't complain, because you KNOW what you are getting into. It's your choice.
you're right!!...although I don't consider the "cultural thing" to be a reason...more like a feeble excuse that OP's bought into.
She'll be walking on eggshells for a lot longer by the sounds of it...toooo bad.
EDIT: the situation is solved now, I am glad!! I will learn from my mistakes and we will try to improve ourself! He didn't saw that the condom was broken and I guess I overreacted...
Not sure I believe him.. He would know if the condom ripped most likely.
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