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Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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lol OP's girlfriend wouldn't like me either. I have a complete absence of ambition. I used to feel differently, when I was younger, before I had so many bad experiences with heartbreak. But now that I'm 41 and no one has ever liked me back...I agree with Dissenter. As long as I can pay my bills I'm happy. I do have my dad and I'l have to take care of him more as he gets older, but that doesn't require an especially high paying job.
I have to agree that someone who is ambitious would not be a "good match" for me.
Last edited by neutrino78x; 02-24-2019 at 06:01 PM..
lol OP's girlfriend wouldn't like me either. I have a complete absence of ambition. I used to feel differently, when I was younger, before I had so many bad experiences with heartbreak. But now that I'm 41 and no one has ever liked me back...I agree with Dissenter. As long as I can pay my bills I'm happy. I do have my dad and I'l have to take care of him more as he gets older, but that doesn't require an especially high paying job.
I have to agree that someone who is ambitious would not be a "good match" for me.
Beg to differ. Aren't you the one suggesting that the smarter members of the human race such as yourself must churn out little replacements of themselves, bolster the earth's human population in order to save the universe? That isn't ambitious?
A server at a very high end restaurant can make a $50 or $100 tip on one table vs. a Denny's waitress, though, who might not earn that in one shift.
My point exactly, when people say "I won't date a.. (fill in menial job here)" there are always exceptions, and those exceptions are usually based on income, even though everyone here says it's not about the money!!!
Though I guess it would be hard to turn down someone solely on the basis of them working typically menial jobs when they earn more at their menial job than many do in their careers.
I've never cared about a woman's job was per se. I was more interested in other things, and that as long as she was self supporting that was really what it was about for me.
My "one click above retail" comments weren't so much directed at low end menial jobs, but more in that I want to be with someone primarily that has a standard 9 to 5 job.
I heard nurses can work rotating schedules and holidays and things like that. I'd have no interest really in dating a person that had that kind of schedule and we all can admit a nurse is a "big deal" type of job, at least to me it is important.
Both of my parents worked in the hospitality/food service industry when I was growing up and I have nothing but respect for those people. Having to deal with the public and being on your feet hustling all day. I say the same things when I see the UPS employees. Those people are busting hump day in and day out.
I'm glad you mentioned this, because it's very important. This is a huge part of it. I've found that people who are generally lazy about careers and going after their dreams are the EXACT sort of person you'd have to nag to get to take care of basic life stuff.
He wasn't actually doing anything to make his dreams come true.
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This was me with my wonderful, gorgeous, nice, smart, fun ex. Great person, had goals, did nothing to actually further those goals...drifted about...
100% true that people flakey about pursuing passions are flakey at life in general and set my teeth on edge. You can't count on these people.
And it's bad enough that they are flakey, but they also get mad at you for caring about getting things done or getting them done right. So frustrating.
They say you nag or say you're uptight or ask why you can't loosen up. Maddening. It's like being gaslighted.
And they really do labor under the delusion that they are dependable people, but truly dependable people don't pick and choose when to be dependable.
After my ex, that Mrs. Doubtfire movie made so much more sense to me. I understood Sally Field's side so very, very much.
I think it depends on how you define "career." For me, a "career" is simply a job. I don't care what kind of job it is as long as my partner is able to pay his bills, afford a car, have his own living space or contribute half the payment for a shared living space with me. If it's a job where he stands a chance to "move up the food chain," so to speak, and that's something he wants, great, I hope it makes him happy and that his workplace sees his value as an employee and treats him comparably. If he doesn't want to "move up the food chain," doesn't have a desire for it, that's fine, too, as long as he's able to continue paying his bills, afford his living space or shared living space with me.
Or perhaps he wants to change his job/career, work in a different industry, go back to school, get further education, etc. Again, I'm fine with all that as long as he can continue providing for himself. I recognize that if someone chooses to go back to school, sometimes it can put a strain on their finances, being able to maintain a full-time job, etc. I'm willing to make some sacrifices in that situation within reason. But if the school situation seems to be going on forever (for example, I've dated my share of guys in the past who do nothing but jump from degree program to degree program, changing their minds every 6 months to a year, or are on the 'continual degree' path - getting one degree after another, with no intention of actually working or using any of their advanced degrees), then it's time for me to have a discussion about that with my partner. And if he can't seem to get beyond the degree cycle, I'll eventually move on.
Same is true if he quits or loses his job and isn't inspired to look for another one. I get that being fired or laid off can lead to depression and make it hard to seek work again. I'm willing to deal with that within reason. But if it looks like my partner isn't taking steps to help himself out of that situation, to work on his depression or emotional imbalance so he can find the energy to seek work again, then we'll have to have a conversation and it may be time for me to move on.
I went back to school to get my MA in my mid-30s while working full time and providing for myself. I attended school in the evenings and on weekends, and during my summer break (I was working in education), so I know it's possible to do. I'd never expect my partner to follow my exact path, but I do know it's possible to return to school and work while still paying your rent and bills, so I don't believe it's an unfair expectation. As I wrote above, I'd be willing to sacrifice some things if my partner's school program didn't allow him to work full time, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate him being in school forever and continuing to expect me to sacrifice while he's not doing his share to pay rent and bills. That's an unreasonable expectation.
Beg to differ. Aren't you the one suggesting that the smarter members of the human race such as yourself must churn out little replacements of themselves, bolster the earth's human population in order to save the universe? That isn't ambitious?
Right? Based on the other thread, I thought neutrino was dreaming of joining the space program, setting up a colony on Mars, and having 14 babies in order to start the next chapter of humanity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
My point exactly, when people say "I won't date a.. (fill in menial job here)" there are always exceptions, and those exceptions are usually based on income, even though everyone here says it's not about the money!!!
That's why I say it's about passion and ambition, not money. Any of those jobs you mentioned would be fine--if it was just their day job. I'd take the waiter at a crappy restaurant over the one from the nice restaurant IF they were aspiring to be something more.
If they were okay being a server the rest of their lives with zero ambition to do anything else, that'd be pretty unattractive even if they made good money.
However, keep in mind "do anything else" wouldn't necessarily have to be career related. They could have a passion that didn't pay money, and that'd still be attractive. For instance, they could have a strong passion for volunteer work of some sort and spend their free time devoted to that. It wouldn't make any money, but it would show they cared about their life meaning something and they wanted to make a difference in the world. That's what I'm looking for in a person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
And it's bad enough that they are flakey, but they also get mad at you for caring about getting things done or getting them done right. So frustrating.
They say you nag or say you're uptight or ask why you can't loosen up. Maddening. It's like being gaslighted.
Yep. Been there. I don't know how people like this expect anyone to want to form any sort of partnership with them. I guess they have low expectations from life, so they don't realize some of us are expecting a lot more and unwilling to settle for less.
No that's why I didn't even bring up job quality I don't think...it really isn't about money to me. Actually with the minimum wage in Colorado now $11.10/hour, no it is REALLY much more about how a guy spends his money than it is how much he makes. Do you live within your means? And have you managed to hold a job for a long while, only changing jobs because you found a better opportunity (on your own terms) not because "something happened." I want a guy who is not going to cause emergencies, one I can count on to fulfill obligations he's agreed to.
STABILITY. That's what I'm after. I just want a partner who is not going to add to the stress I already have to deal with, especially trying to wrangle two teenagers. I don't care if he is ambitious, in fact I don't want a stressed out ladder climber coming home and unloading on me. I don't care if he has great prospects to be some kind of a leader or he's passionate about his work. Actually I've found out something surprising. I don't even care if my guy helps much with the housework. ~IF~ (very important if) he doesn't make messes and leave work for me. If the teenage son who lives with me at the moment and my boyfriend both keep their rooms and bathrooms clean, do their own laundry, I will happily do the dishes every day, and all the rest of the upkeep of the common areas. The rule is, I want the same amount of work I'd have, if I were living alone with my cat. Don't make it more than that for me, we'll get along just fine.
My boyfriend warned me that he was lazy. It's actually got an unexpected happy side effect. Because he is lazy, I feel I have "permission" to relax when we are together, that he isn't judging me or keeping some kind of score against anything he did around the house. Dude helps me keep my stress levels in check.
Anyhow I didn't understand the question that well, mainly the semantics of the poll. Is it "I'm a woman and yes/no it matters/doesn't." Or is it "I think it does/doesn't matter when I'm judging men/women as possible partners." ...?
Because I'm a bisexual woman and if I were looking to play house with a woman, my criteria would most definitely be the same.
Honestly I see the "career/money/ambition" thing a bit like credit rating...you don't have to be rich to have excellent credit, you just have to be responsible and stable and make good choices. And to what I said in my first paragraph there, "...can count on to fulfill obligations he's agreed to" that's pretty much what they're measuring in a credit report so I'd be better off checking that, than asking a guy about his income or his career.
I care more about this than I used to. My ex-wife had a low paying job and I paid 75% of the bills, even when I was unemployed. I'll never let a woman take advantage of me again. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but she better bring some financial sense to the table and contribute financially. Men are very vulnerable to being taken to the cleaners. Courts tend to side with women in a divorce. Not interested in my hard work going down the drain. Marriage should be a partnership. Doesn't sound romantic, but life isn't romantic like in the movies.
That said, if you're trying to improve your career situation, she should be patient with you. If not, it may not be a good fit.
Poll results doesn't fit the narrative that women are greedy gold diggers as some around here tend to push.
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