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I'm happy for you, OP and I can see where this feels like a major piece of progress. He's opening up enough to share his feelings with you. That can feel like a huge risk, very vulnerable.
I also commend you for taking things slow, even though you have been involved in this for 5 years and most people would have given up on it by now! Hey, this is YOUR life. I do agree with those who have said that his mental health is of concern, but I swear these days I struggle to spot anyone who doesn't have some kind of mental health struggles at least sometimes. Some kind of trauma. We've all got our burdens to bear. I would think that after 5 years of knowing him, you understand his mind somewhat and you can make an informed choice about whether you are willing to do the work and be patient with his issues. Because it will be extra emotional work. I think that you know this. But it would be a cruel thing indeed, if having any kind of mental health problems disqualified anyone from deserving to be loved, I think.
Advice I have for you...
Encourage him to continue to seek therapy. Finding a good therapist or counselor is like dating, it is frankly a pain in the butt to find "the right fit" for many of us. But the right person really can do a world of good. Encourage him to not give up on the idea.
Encourage him very strongly, if he doesn't already, to write in a journal. Whether paper or electronic. This can truly help in processing emotions and confusing thought processes.
Know where to draw very clear boundaries for your own protection. Make sure that you both understand very clearly, that the decision to walk away temporarily or permanently from a relationship, is not a punishment to the other person, it's a choice that one makes for oneself. It is a RIGHT that both of you have, if the connection becomes more harmful than it is good. You should have some dealbreakers in your mind and you should clearly express them to him, and ask him what his might be in turn. I would recommend that neither of you indulge in self-medication via drugs or alcohol. In his case especially, this could lead to seriously destructive behavior if he's got the issues that have been mentioned. And if he wants to improve his ability to help provide a better future for you both, then it's not going to help if he's high and/or drunk much of the time. It is perfectly fine if you don't have lofty material ambitions. Not everyone has to. But you both should be putting in a certain amount of effort in contributing to your shared adult life together.
There are certain things that one has a right to ask. Make sure you're exercising that right, and stick to it.
Another "I've gotten naked and bumped uglies over a prolonged period with someone with whom I have no serious emotional attachment, but now they're getting emotionally attached" thread.
Another "I've gotten naked and bumped uglies over a prolonged period with someone with whom I have no serious emotional attachment, but now they're getting emotionally attached" thread.
You'd think people would learn.
I dunno, she seems open to exploring that with him, so I don't see what the problem is.
I hate that phrase, "bumped uglies." I should probably let my boyfriend know, it's such a tremendous turn off, if he were to use it, I'd be like probably 30% less interested in sex with him if not more. Might as well say "ew, naked people, icky poo!" Sex is not somehow more messy or disgusting of a process just because the people doing it are not in a serious, committed, emotional relationship with each other.
I dunno, she seems open to exploring that with him, so I don't see what the problem is.
Well, the OP posted an entirely new thread about the same guy earlier this week. I think the update you responded to yesterday is outdated, given what new info she added that has apparently transpired since her last post in this thread in March.
Well, the OP posted an entirely new thread about the same guy earlier this week. I think the update you responded to yesterday is outdated, given what new info she added that has apparently transpired since her last post in this thread in March.
I didn't realize that other one was the same people as this one. I think he showed a different side of himself more recently (per that other thread), and it's not a good side. Not a stable side.I'm afraid the OP would do best to look for a new guy. The current (off and on again) guy doesn't seem mentally stable.
Had my FWB started talking marriage and kids... I’d have bounced. That wasn’t what I signed up for nor agreed to in the beginning. That would be my deal breaker.
Had my FWB started talking marriage and kids... I’d have bounced. That wasn’t what I signed up for nor agreed to in the beginning. That would be my deal breaker.
I was with mine for 3-1/2 years and ... it never got to that point. But... I know it does happen. I’ve known a couple of people who’ve agreed to a no strings FWB’s arrangement in an attempt to get their foot in the door, or thought the other would change their mind...eventually. When it didn’t happen... someone got hurt.
My response was what I’d have done in the same situation as the OP is finding themselves in.
That being said, I’d be lying if I claimed not to have caught some feelings for this guy that I liked spending time with and being intimate with.. I just had to keep those feelings in check because that’s not what we agreed to. We parted amicably and are still good friends today.
Had my FWB started talking marriage and kids... I’d have bounced. That wasn’t what I signed up for nor agreed to in the beginning. That would be my deal breaker.
She fell for him, though. She realized how much she enjoys his (non-FWB) company. Well, the whole package, except that he'd disappear on her from time to time.
It happens. (The falling for one's FWB.)
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