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College should be a great place to meet people at a similar place in life, with similar ambitions and interests. Why're you looking online when you've got a buffet right in front of you?
I agree about meeting people at her school.
I think she met this guy at her workplace, not online.
Dating "a normal guy" is a guy your age, with his crap together, no children, maybe in school as well, working and not asking anything of you.
I'm not sure if all of those things are necessary to qualify as "normal", but I definitely agree with the bolded.
I think Belle views this guy unlike other guys, and as someone who is not asking anything of her, because he's not even trying to have sex with her. I think that's likely the main attraction. And it's definitely understandable.
The thing is, though, he's asking very much of her. It's just not what other guys have asked of her (sex).
I'm not sure if all of those things are necessary to qualify as "normal", but I definitely agree with the bolded.
I think Belle views this guy unlike other guys, and as someone who is not asking anything of her, because he's not even trying to have sex with her. I think that's likely the main attraction. And it's definitely understandable.
The thing is, though, he's asking very much of her. It's just not what other guys have asked of her (sex).
Oh I wasn't implying that those things qualify as "normal" but it's a start anyway...
Honestly, at her age, online dating is sketchy at best. And Belle's "picker" is broken.
Bottom line- is it's not normal for a man with grieving children to talk about marriage after meeting 3 times .
Every time a guy is into me everyone thinks he must be a psycho killer or that there’s something wrong with him bc how could a normal guy ever like me... it’s always like this. If I want to date somebody I get told that I am desperate or even worse I get called poor and looking to be rescued. Just bc I want to date somebody
Because you say this:
Quote:
Men never want to marry me though?? They just lie abuse and use me. I’m done with dating in that way. Nothing good ever comes out of it. I don’t get what’s hard to get about that
NO ONE thinks that a normal guy could never like you. No one. Of course a normal guy could and would and will if you become selective and careful in who you date. That is hard to do when you are dependent and needy. We encourage you to get into a stronger position if your life. College is a good start. We don't want to see you throw that away.
Random aside: what is normal? If you read up on stats, how many women are abused every so many seconds in this country, you might conclude abuse is rather 'normal' as in common. Frequent. I've dated a lot of men that seemed 'normal' in the start and turned out to be not so great. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with me.
Usually people but their best foot forward while dating. I have noted that men can go a really long time pretending to be someone different than who they are. That is why many women date men for a long time before making any commitments. Waiting for the real guy to emerge.
LOL one guy was off his game with me. Threw the controlling/possessive flag up early in the game. I was like don't you know you're supposed to gain my trust, wait until I am really attached to you before you try this? Fail. Next contender.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something to think about as far as comfort, and choice, etc. I don't know what you want or need Belle. Only you know those things, but living in a Mormon structure usually places the man in control. This is not always, but generally speaking.
He will be very comfortable living on his home turf, steeped in his culture, right next door to his parents. Seems very comfortable and protected for him. He will undoubtedly enjoy a strong support group, and you will probably find yourself standing alone if you ever butt heads over something. This situation could prove to be comfortable for you too if you decide that you enjoy and see benefit to that set up, and can overlook your position of an outsider looking in. You will probably feel urged to convert to their religion, which isn't a wrong or bad thing in and of itself, but sometimes people don't want to do that.
I would suggest that while you are there that you watch how the other wives treat their men. Try to see them beyond the people you are introduced to. There is nothing wrong with serving a man, if that is truly what you want. I think ideally, men and women serve each other in a loving relationship.
All that said, make sure you aren't looking at his life through rose colored glasses. Try to see all and go into this situation with eyes wide open.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods
Every time a guy is into me everyone thinks he must be a psycho killer or that there’s something wrong with him bc how could a normal guy ever like me... it’s always like this. If I want to date somebody I get told that I am desperate or even worse I get called poor and looking to be rescued. Just bc I want to date somebody
Sigh. No. Nothing wrong with wanting to date someone. But slow the freak down. Focus on your studies and work. Getting that degree is key. Focus on getting ok with being you as a single thriving adult. When you're strong and independent and self sufficient there is much less of a change of sticking around in a unhealthy space if you ever find yourself in one. Then date locally, and since you've been burned, take it slow. If someone is long distance and talking insta marriage, realize that's not reasonable. You are often being told you're desperate, because you are. I've read your posts over the years, many of us have, and you just want it SO BADLY to happen that you're rushing everything and not seeing the flags that are so obvious to those here with relationship experience.
Every time a guy is into me everyone thinks he must be a psycho killer or that there’s something wrong with him bc how could a normal guy ever like me... it’s always like this. If I want to date somebody I get told that I am desperate or even worse I get called poor and looking to be rescued. Just bc I want to date somebody
Correct me if I am wrong but you weren't talking about dating the guy but marrying him?
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
OP, your friend will be getting way more out of the deal than you, hope you understand that. You can take classes here and there, online, whenever. Almost everyone I know did that. You’ll go back to college again when you need to catch up on the lastest in your field. Let him pay for some, maybe you’ll pay for some it’s money and things... but there’s nowhere he’s going to buy a nice lady who’s good with kids, so don’t sign any pre-nups.
Ha.
Yup.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Sigh. No. Nothing wrong with wanting to date someone. But slow the freak down. Focus on your studies and work. Getting that degree is key. Focus on getting ok with being you as a single thriving adult. When you're strong and independent and self sufficient there is much less of a change of sticking around in a unhealthy space if you ever find yourself in one. Then date locally, and since you've been burned, take it slow. If someone is long distance and talking insta marriage, realize that's not reasonable. You are often being told you're desperate, because you are. I've read your posts over the years, many of us have, and you just want it SO BADLY to happen that you're rushing everything and not seeing the flags that are so obvious to those here with relationship experience.
Belle, I can relate to the wanting a family. My parents split when I was 8 and divorced when I was 11. My mom went back to work and I was a latchkey kid. My sisters were older so went away to college. HOWEVER, I dated a lot between the time I started at 16 and got married at 39. That's why I can spot a bad situation a mile away. I can tell you that some red flags are when men come on very strong in the beginning and talk about marrying you when you haven't been in a relationship very long or at all, in your case. None of the 'normal guys' I dated started this way.
NO ONE thinks someone wouldn't want to date you. We are just trying to give you the benefit of our collective life experience. Women who get abused are often the ones that HAVE to be in a relationship and have nothing to fall back on. That's why everyone keeps saying finish college and be financially dependent on NO ONE. I tell my daughters, he who pays the bills runs your life. It goes for women. It goes for people on government assistance.
Sigh. No. Nothing wrong with wanting to date someone. But slow the freak down. Focus on your studies and work. Getting that degree is key. Focus on getting ok with being you as a single thriving adult. When you're strong and independent and self sufficient there is much less of a change of sticking around in a unhealthy space if you ever find yourself in one. Then date locally, and since you've been burned, take it slow. If someone is long distance and talking insta marriage, realize that's not reasonable. You are often being told you're desperate, because you are. I've read your posts over the years, many of us have, and you just want it SO BADLY to happen that you're rushing everything and not seeing the flags that are so obvious to those here with relationship experience.
+1.
Although, I think Belle truly, deep down, doesn't want a degree & the work that goes into it. I think she'd much prefer someone else work and she cares for the kids. (Her idea of an idyllic life) Which is all well & good at first but as most of us know if you pick the wrong guy/girl to do all this with, lifetime MISERY is putting it lightly.
And to be 100% dependent on someone else could bring more disaster and anger...like the last few nutcases in her life except now you would have kids.
Correct me if I am wrong but you weren't talking about dating the guy but marrying him?
Yup.
Belle, I can relate to the wanting a family. My parents split when I was 8 and divorced when I was 11. My mom went back to work and I was a latchkey kid. My sisters were older so went away to college. HOWEVER, I dated a lot between the time I started at 16 and got married at 39. That's why I can spot a bad situation a mile away. I can tell you that some red flags are when men come on very strong in the beginning and talk about marrying you when you haven't been in a relationship very long or at all, in your case. None of the 'normal guys' I dated started this way.
NO ONE thinks someone wouldn't want to date you. We are just trying to give you the benefit of our collective life experience. Women who get abused are often the ones that HAVE to be in a relationship and have nothing to fall back on. That's why everyone keeps saying finish college and be financially dependent on NO ONE. I tell my daughters, he who pays the bills runs your life. It goes for women. It goes for people on government assistance.
Ideally OP you'd move by him, live independently, keep going to comm college and date for at least a year.
Conversely, I do get why marrying him appeals to you.
A visit is in order; that'll give you much needed data. You should plan one asap.
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