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I was in a similar situation as OP, except my ex-husband would reject any sexual advances, and i always told myself "but he's still a great guy"
My wake up call came when i almost got into a car accident and my first thought was "if i died, i wouldn't mind, i guess i have achieved everything that was expected of me".
Later i realized it wasn't a good way to be looking at my life, so i did Individual Therapy > Couples Therapy > Then got divorced. This was over the course of about two years, best decision of my life.
We have talked about it but divorce is never a word that ive ever used. That would be the very last resort for me. I dont know if it is too late for us to ever fall in love. But i cant expect him to be someone he has never been but i also cant changw what i really want.
I do feel confident that if we were to divorce, our child would still be so loved and so cared for. But definitely not the ideal family situation.
Ill look into counseling and see if that is an option for us. I just dont know if he wpuld take it seriously.
You need to make your emotional health your first resort. If you absolutely see no future with your husband than you need to go ahead and make plans to go on with your life. If you didn't have your child, you would've already left the marriage. Don't maintain your regret and give yourself an excuse to be depressed when you have options.
You have the charge to provide your child with a healthy mother. Being healthy means taking care of your needs so you can take care of her.It might be hard at first, but in the long run-it will be worth it.
You need money. Money gives you options. If you have a good job, that's great. If not, you need to be working on that now.
Life is TOO short not to have reciprocal love in a marriage. It is 2019. I expect you to honor your life and take responsibility for your health by making good choices that will benefit you in the long run.
No excuse for accidentally getting pregnant in this day and age. Shame on you. And why in the world would you marry someone you didn't love? Shame on you again. You need to tell him how you feel and get a divorce. No good will come of this relationship and you are wasting each other time. You can find security with someone you love.
Judgmental much? You are aware that no method of birth control is fool proof right? As for the rest , the words of Maya Angelou come to mind. We do what we think is right. When we know better we do better. She obviously did what she thought was right for the child because she didn't hate the guy and she's not the only one to blame. He's clearly not head over heels either if it took him 3 years to say I love you and he won't sit next ot her on the couch.
In spite of that OP, I have to agree with one portion of this answer. Tell him how you feel and get the divorce. I spent 10 years trying to convince myself that love was something much like you describe your life and that real passion was a lie only made up by Harlequin Romance. I also did the justification of how it could be worse. He was an alcoholic but at least he didn't beat me or the kids or cheat right? My moment of realization was when someone asked me where I hoped to be in 10 years and when I closed my eyes I realized I had no future dreams. I was living every single day just to get through to the next because I was so desperately unhappy and by then I was 10 years into the marriage I never wanted but everyone else did and I went through with it because I thought it was the right thing to do....for everyone but me. I decided at that moment that I would rather try to be happy alone than continue to be unhappy with someone who didn't seem to even notice. At the time my kids were 10, 7 and 4 and trying to explain to them was the hardest step. After that it was if a weight had lifted off my shoulders and my future was mine to figure out and plan for rather than just survive through.
I've since found a man that is honestly my best friend and I cry sometimes for the time I wasted thinking that was all life had to offer me. I deserved better and I sold myself short because I didn't believe that. You deserve better too. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father without you and you'll be a better mother if you are a happier mother.
"The saddest thing is not being alone, it's being with people that make you feel alone"
No excuse for accidentally getting pregnant in this day and age. Shame on you. And why in the world would you marry someone you didn't love? Shame on you again. You need to tell him how you feel and get a divorce. No good will come of this relationship and you are wasting each other time. You can find security with someone you love.
Both of you suck for saying this. Sorry but wow, what a lack of empathy. Any method of birth control can fail except for abstinence and if what you were TRYING to do was shame the OP for being a woman or a person who had sex when she was not willing to be pregnant, wow, what year is it? Do you not comprehend that MOST of the sex people in America have is not reproductive in intent? The sheer number of women who spend most or our fertile years actively preventing pregnancy?
It disgusts me when people argue that women specifically (men are rarely held accountable for wanting sex for its own sake) should not get pregnant if they aren't "ready" in the perfect situation to have a child and should not have sex if we aren't prepared to have a baby. You are saying that only wealthy people in perfect relationships with all their act together should ever have the privilege of sex. And because most men won't stay in a romantic relationship without it these days, you're also saying that only wealthy, perfect people should have the privilege of being loved.
Heck that. Heck that all day long.
This could happen to anyone. And sometimes even though you don't feel a blaze of passion in the early days, you figure maybe you're still with the best you can get. It can be exceedingly rare to find a partner where BOTH of you are crazy about each other at the same time. I've had plenty of intimate connections and encounters and it was rare enough that either of us had strong loving feelings, and only with the guy I'm with now have both of us been there together. So I think it shouldn't be seen as that crazy a choice to do one's best to give things a go with a person who doesn't seem like a bad dude and cares enough to stick around...like everyone tells you not to follow "lust" or "infatuation" in choosing a partner, so sometimes when there's none of that but it still is not terrible, you figure you should try.
Unfortunately, this kind of thing can be where that leads.
OP I am so sorry.
I want to mention that it's possible (don't know if you would consider this) that you might find articles or something about polyamory. Many people come to it because of situations like this where needs aren't being met but the original couple doesn't necessarily want to break up. If you have a healthy relationship in terms of communication and getting along and a lot of the non-physical stuff, then maybe you could make it work. Some do. But I would warn you that people who have been in that lifestyle/community for a long time and seen the same bad scenarios play out many times, say that it's a classic error to engage in "Relationship broken; add more people." So if you feel your relationship is an unhealthy one, you're best really to end it rather than to complicate it. Again, I don't know if this is even a thing you could consider, people usually are the sort who could be open to the idea or definitely NOT but it is an option that exists.
Sadly, divorce might really be your best bet.
And like others, I agree that before you make any serious decisions about what you're going to do, taking action to heal your mind and heart and build yourself up would probably be a good idea. Know who you are; know what you need/want.
Judgmental much? You are aware that no method of birth control is fool proof right? As for the rest , the words of Maya Angelou come to mind. We do what we think is right. When we know better we do better. She obviously did what she thought was right for the child because she didn't hate the guy and she's not the only one to blame. He's clearly not head over heels either if it took him 3 years to say I love you and he won't sit next ot her on the couch.
In spite of that OP, I have to agree with one portion of this answer. Tell him how you feel and get the divorce. I spent 10 years trying to convince myself that love was something much like you describe your life and that real passion was a lie only made up by Harlequin Romance. I also did the justification of how it could be worse. He was an alcoholic but at least he didn't beat me or the kids or cheat right? My moment of realization was when someone asked me where I hoped to be in 10 years and when I closed my eyes I realized I had no future dreams. I was living every single day just to get through to the next because I was so desperately unhappy and by then I was 10 years into the marriage I never wanted but everyone else did and I went through with it because I thought it was the right thing to do....for everyone but me. I decided at that moment that I would rather try to be happy alone than continue to be unhappy with someone who didn't seem to even notice. At the time my kids were 10, 7 and 4 and trying to explain to them was the hardest step. After that it was if a weight had lifted off my shoulders and my future was mine to figure out and plan for rather than just survive through.
I've since found a man that is honestly my best friend and I cry sometimes for the time I wasted thinking that was all life had to offer me. I deserved better and I sold myself short because I didn't believe that. You deserve better too. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father without you and you'll be a better mother if you are a happier mother.
"The saddest thing is not being alone, it's being with people that make you feel alone"
Also, I lived a story much like this one. I was with my ex for a total of 18 years, and I thought he was the best I deserved or could get, just because he was willing to stay. Things were ok...not happy really but doable...for most of that time, and I hoped to get by until my kids were grown. Unfortunately that did not happen, we hit a sort of rock bottom and things went utterly sideways and I had to leave.
I really was afraid I could not do any better. And yet I have. The man I have now is...well he makes me believe in the notion of "soulmates" more than I ever did before. But I did not meet him instantly, and I did not commit to the first guy I dated either. You kind of need to give yourself time after a divorce or LTR breakup, either time alone or time not committing to anyone and not letting them near your kids either...time to get your head straight. Otherwise you might choose badly, and you won't do the work of building yourself up and learning confidence in yourself as an adult.
The best relationships are formed of two fully actualized, whole adults. Not people limping along broken and incomplete.
Also OP, forgot to say, whatever you do...do NOT have an affair or cheat on your husband. And if you think "Of course, I would never!" just remember and understand that when our emotions are all jacked up and we're hurting, it makes you vulnerable, and that's sometimes when stuff like this happens. Just be careful. (I did not, but mainly because I recognized the impulse and went, "WHOA!" and broke up with my ex before anything could happen like that.)
If he loves you, then you might just need to work on expanding how you relate to each other. Learn more about how he connects (maybe it's shared experiences, etc.), and tell and show him how you connect. It won't start out as the organically-arising situation that you might want, but you'd be working toward that. If your neck or back is tight, tell him you want a massage. Try couple's yoga.
If you try to snuggle and he tells you to give him space, you could say something like this: "I respect your need for space, but sometimes a little shared space would be nice between husband and wife. Can we do that sometimes?" If he seems hesitant, start problem-solving: "Have I changed in a way that you don't find attractive?" "Is there a certain way you'd prefer to share space that isn't always a fast-track to the bedroom?" If he ducks or blows it off as not a big deal, tell him that you wouldn't be bringing it up if it wasn't a big deal to you. Don't harp on him about it, but remind him that your emotional needs for the relationship have a different expression than his do, and that you want to work on it because you're feeling unfulfilled.
I have no comment for this that will go over well on this forum other then you need to start being honest with others, not just yourself.
Until and if you do you’re committing yourself to this type of life.
We have talked about it but divorce is never a word that ive ever used. That would be the very last resort for me. I dont know if it is too late for us to ever fall in love. But i cant expect him to be someone he has never been but i also cant changw what i really want.
I do feel confident that if we were to divorce, our child would still be so loved and so cared for. But definitely not the ideal family situation.
Ill look into counseling and see if that is an option for us. I just dont know if he wpuld take it seriously.
He is not going away. You have a child with him.
The two of you will be planning and visiting and sharing information about the child for at least the next 16-18 years.
I’d say try and get some counseling and see if things get better FIRST!
Both of you suck for saying this. Sorry but wow, what a lack of empathy. Any method of birth control can fail except for abstinence and if what you were TRYING to do was shame the OP for being a woman or a person who had sex when she was not willing to be pregnant, wow, what year is it? Do you not comprehend that MOST of the sex people in America have is not reproductive in intent? The sheer number of women who spend most or our fertile years actively preventing pregnancy?
It disgusts me when people argue that women specifically (men are rarely held accountable for wanting sex for its own sake) should not get pregnant if they aren't "ready" in the perfect situation to have a child and should not have sex if we aren't prepared to have a baby. You are saying that only wealthy people in perfect relationships with all their act together should ever have the privilege of sex. And because most men won't stay in a romantic relationship without it these days, you're also saying that only wealthy, perfect people should have the privilege of being loved.
Heck that. Heck that all day long.
Furthermore, what GOOD does this judgment do the poster now? She can learn whatever lessons she needs to learn, and ask for advice for that as she deems appropriate. But that is not what she is asking here and NOW.
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