sick relationship

[Maganita]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

If I'm understanding this, you tried to deal with it and not say anything, until this late night debate when you were already...what, fighting?...and then you brought this card out of your vest and threw it on the table?

1. Why did you not feel you could discuss it when you first discovered it? Why were you snooping in his phone anyways? Holding onto grievances is not a good sign, tends to breed resentment. And snooping your partner's devices is a sign of lacking trust, which will destroy any relationship.

2. It's downright wrong to carefully hoard up your issues until a fight and then blast your partner with it.

Now from the other side of things, it's not that he is specifically doing something wrong by having such a photo necessarily. The legitimate problem you have is that he doesn't care how you feel and rather than respecting your feelings, tries to lecture you on why you have no right to feel that way. Like, your feelings of discomfort do not get to dictate the ethical values that govern your relationship and what is expected of you both, but then his feelings of "it's no big deal" don't either. You have to negotiate what the rules are in your relationship, things are not automatically ok or wrong if they've never been discussed, just because you discovered something and found it upsetting. You both need to set aside whether it is right or wrong for him to have the photo, because sometimes you simply feel what you feel about something. And a good partner has to understand and respect that. Your guy does not get to 'splain to you how you are allowed to feel.

Your feelings are valid and so are his, but they do not dictate reality.

However, 2AM after however many hours of debate and when your partner is exhausted, if you ambush him with something like this, you can hardly expect a completely reasonable and emotionally intelligent reaction.

Sounds like your relationship might be kinda "sick" as in...unhealthy. One wonders, should you end it, or do you two deserve one another, or is it something you could both learn to do better, apologize to each other (when you're both rested and rational) and heal from...? That's all up to you.

Thanks....I found this quite deeply thought out and I appreciate it. I think you make good grounded points and will consider the alternatives suggested at the bottom of you post.

For everyone else? What I expected and also true...ahhh why was I hoping for a loophole. Thank you.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

This is not behavior that I would be OK with. I just broke up with a man who had his secrets and I'm just not going down that road again. You have to decide for yourself where the line is.

[Maganita]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

This is not behavior that I would be OK with. I just broke up with a man who had his secrets and I'm just not going down that road again. You have to decide for yourself where the line is.

Thanks. Yeah...I didn't even think to clarify with last reply I gave that did not go through his phone. We live together. I've often felt jealous of his previous (or current) love for his ex. For a variety of reasons and too much information shared when we first reconnected again a couple years ago, just as friends. I had the writing on the wall and yet I went into relationship for a variety of reasons...long story but had been alone a lonnng time...(illness, single parenting, work , my own life, a choice I made - daughter leaves home and all of a sudden healthier, tons of time on my hands....and LONELY, and very much missing companionship and intimacy)...
I overlooked MY feelings of doubt, second guessed myself. All that.

However, after all this time I truly have gotten the feeling he's over her. I'm still jealous over what they had, as I've never had that...and suspect, gather, that he treated her like a queen. In hindsight just different people are better with different people. We are not cut out for each other. I'm a lot older than her...I call him out on stuff (even if nicely)...she didn't...as I've gotten older I'm not as easy going as I once was. I have much more clarified values...but again...I own I stepped on my own values by constantly struggling to second guess myself and deal with a guy who does not have good interpersonal skill esp. when comes to differences and/or conflict. I guess thats the deal breaker in a lot of relationships.

Sorry for spilling on you...I'm just so fed up and he is looking for another place to live as of now. Re-reading your post....I guess this is my first in dealing with a man who seems to still have a thing for his ex, despite his claims otherwise (did yours do that? What did yours do and how long did you stay?)

The breaking point for me is how he's responded to all this. He gets mad and sometimes mean when defensive. At first - after the incident I posted about...I realized he was just being his inappropriate defensive self, it was uber late at night, tensions were high...and I softened up the next day. But then it all hit me again...wtf??? How dare he...like I know, and so many posters said...its not up to him to dictate or deny what I'm feeling, and in the end he's a complete and utter a hole to dare say that crap to me. I don't care what his reasons are...I didn't deserve that and did nothing to deserve it. So he did apologize profusely...but consistantly under the guise of "I'm sorry this bothers YOU" kind of crap...no - I'm so sorry - no one should ever talk to you that way, it was late, I meant none of what I said. LOL, I can't even think of a workable apology here but at least an attempt to sincerely own the cruelty of his behavior. I would have. But I'm a woman...and a jaded one at that for sure. I absolutely - if in the heat of the moment - came out full force with bitchiness - would totally own my stuff later. And apologize.

In the end...isn't it hard to find a man who is strong enough in himself to be kind when he gets upset?

Again...sorry your getting the brunt of my feelings here...just venting and I'm so upset, angry, hurt really, dismayed.

I think one of the reasons I stayed...after witnessing in other cruel behaviors...is its been so long since I've been (or sought anyway) a deeper relationsip with a man I got kind of desperate. I just turned 56 and don't have super high confidence...sooo many single women in my area and i don't want to grow old alone. And he has been awesome in other ways. But I need to honor myself and emotional intimacy is important to me...he just doesn't have the skillset and at his age won't aquire it. Thanks for listening. Sincerely. I truly hope you find a good, solid, trustworthy man and I guess I'm getting to where you are...not going down this road again of not feeling clear about a bf's affections...to me or to someone else. Just feels too crummy.

[Maganita]

Originally Posted by AddyW

What is it with women that they have to have their discussions at 2am on a work night?


You both are at fault. Split up and move on.

I don't know honestly. I don't know why we were up at 2 am!!! We'd been having a great, deep discussion - unusual for us and honestly quite fulfilling to me. I love deep conversations and this was a rare one. He did not indicate he was stressed, or overwhelmed. And so yes, it was weird timing but it was on-topic and definitely pushed him - clearly - over the edge.

Have you had this issue with other women?

[redplum33]

Originally Posted by Maganita

I didn't even think to clarify with last reply I gave that did not go through his phone. We live together.

Then how did you see the picture? The only way this would be possible is if he had the picture open AND he had his phone settings set to not turn off the screen.


(If he did set up his phone to keep the screen on, and it's not normally set that way, then you can be pretty sure he was whackin to the ex-gf's picture.)

[AddyW]

Originally Posted by Maganita

I don't know honestly. I don't know why we were up at 2 am!!! We'd been having a great, deep discussion - unusual for us and honestly quite fulfilling to me. I love deep conversations and this was a rare one. He did not indicate he was stressed, or overwhelmed. And so yes, it was weird timing but it was on-topic and definitely pushed him - clearly - over the edge.

Have you had this issue with other women?

Yes, my wife of 34 years.

[codergirl]

How can you NOT be sure hour ex after all of that??! He was being disrespectful to you by lying to all about what was on his phone.Why would you still want to be with someone like that??Meaning since you're not sure he's now your ex??
Do you think you deserve to be with someone like this?Let the liar go.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by Maganita

I finally, after stalling for months, confronted by (ex-bf? not sure) about seeing pic of his ex on his phone (he left it out on kitchen table and I came home unexpectedly)....her naked butt. I finally confronted him tonight about it. Got a round of its a hacker, or that can't be, I haven't looked at in a long time, forgot it was there...blah blah. We were together several months ago.

He gets mad at ME...because it is late...like 2 am. We'd been up talking and for whatever reason I finally felt like broaching this. He repeatedly insists its nothing (I am convinced he's over her but still....)...gets kind of pissed off....I guess he's tired....goes to bed. I follow him, sit on the bed, and bug him about it. Don't remember what I said but I'm upset about this. He said "she had a good ass....so what?!". I'm a bit stunned. So we get into it. Bottom line....he ends up over the next half hour repeating this about 12 times. I told him how much it hurt after the second time. His approach is ' its nothing and pushing it to get me to see its nothing, its BS.

I don't get it. To me - I say it hurts...then don't say it again. Him...its in your head, saying it over to get you to see (somehow?) its nothing. I don't accept this, I guess its our end...and just light into him how much it hurt...that if I say it hurts he's not to prove some dumb thing to me but to respect my feelings and STOP.

I'm completely torn and baffled although sometimes he does turn mean when he's tired, feels harrassed, and takes on a belligerant attitude of "teaching me" something. I hate it.

"he repeatedly insists it's nothing".....
Put a picture of a nice azz on YOUR cell phone and leave it for him to see......then you can just say what HE says..."He has a good azz....so what???
The sparks will fly if he's a hypocrite too....maybe he needs to be taught that!