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You're right, it does seem harsh. We have no idea what they've gone through or how fast/slow their metabolism is. On the other hand, if I see an obese person in the gym working out, it brings a smile to my face because at least they're trying. My sister in law is doing this now and I encourage her. My brother, on the other hand is a different story. It is true once you pass 40, metabolism slows way down. I have to wok a lot harder now than I used to. I don't know...for me maybe it's less about judging and more about not noticing them. Heck, that may be even worse. But as a single man, I only notice fit women.
Trying to wrap my brain around your last statement.
I mean there are millions of people I don't really "notice" in particular. Most people are pretty normal looking, sort of blend into a big crowd of humanity, and don't stand out. There are multitudes of people that I would never notice in a crowd but I'd probably consider dating if it came to it.
I think you're saying you don't find them attractive, and that's fine. People have a type, it's whatever.
But like if you were at a business meeting and a heavy woman was giving a presentation, would your mind filter her out of existence? If a larger person is your cashier at a store and they are really friendly and wish you a nice day, do you scowl and pretend you heard nothing, so as to avoid acknowledging their existence?
Or are you just saying you don't check out overweight women with lusty male eyeballs because you don't find them attractive? That isn't really "worse" than seeing them and thinking negative, judgmental thoughts about them...
Why judge though? When people talk about being judgmental i feel its a reflection of their own insecurities. You made the choice to prioritize health and fitness, its whats important you. One of my overweight friends suffered from bulimia and anorexia for years, and it messed up her metabolism, she cant diet because she spirals so she has to focus on body acceptance, she isn't lazy, she isn't sad.
I was a chubby teen, once i stopped gymnastics i gain a lot of weight very quickly, i was bullied relentlessly by my own family even though i was a US size 6/8. They would say that their friends would see me as useless and lazy and it was a bad reflection on their parenting. Food wasn't that important to me but i did become an emotional eater, I definitely wasn't lazy, i still exercised 5 days a week.
Giants6, you used to be in their shoes, i would've expected more understanding as you know sometimes life gets in the way.
People who used to struggle with something are often the harshest critics of people who haven't yet beaten whatever. Sort of a converts zeal.
As far as judging people, I have a tougher time not judging other men. I don't think it's so much about appearance as it's about the capacity to be physical, although I make those judgments based on what I see. It's a throwback attitude floating around my psyche I can never fully shake.
These judgments go on internally, but I'd be a fool to claim that I never let on that I place some value on men looking, not so much imposing, but capable.
And regarding my convert comment above, now that I think of it, I was a fat adolescent, who had a capable body beneath the fat. Duh
Trying to wrap my brain around your last statement.
I mean there are millions of people I don't really "notice" in particular. Most people are pretty normal looking, sort of blend into a big crowd of humanity, and don't stand out. There are multitudes of people that I would never notice in a crowd but I'd probably consider dating if it came to it.
I think you're saying you don't find them attractive, and that's fine. People have a type, it's whatever.
But like if you were at a business meeting and a heavy woman was giving a presentation, would your mind filter her out of existence? If a larger person is your cashier at a store and they are really friendly and wish you a nice day, do you scowl and pretend you heard nothing, so as to avoid acknowledging their existence?
Or are you just saying you don't check out overweight women with lusty male eyeballs because you don't find them attractive? That isn't really "worse" than seeing them and thinking negative, judgmental thoughts about them...
Color me slightly confused, I guess.
I have had a lot of guys comment on my RBF, i think one of the reasons bf was attracted to me was because i have this serious/mysterious look about me, he definitely notices when other women share the same look. Other women exist of course but the RBF ones pique his interests. I assume that's what ATL was saying about fit bodies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
People who used to struggle with something are often the harshest critics of people who haven't yet beaten whatever. Sort of a converts zeal.
As far as judging people, I have a tougher time not judging other men. I don't think it's so much about appearance as it's about the capacity to be physical, although I make those judgments based on what I see. It's a throwback attitude floating around my psyche I can never fully shake.
These judgments go on internally, but I'd be a fool to claim that I never let on that I place some value on men looking, not so much imposing, but capable.
And regarding my convert comment above, now that I think of it, I was a fat adolescent, who had a capable body beneath the fat. Duh
When i see people who have let themselves go to the point they are no longer able bodied, i naturally assume there is some trauma going on in the background that has caused them to do this to themselves.
And yes a chubby body is still a capable body. But I'm aware that my idea of overweight/fat may be different to yours.
I was the one complaining about stoners and military, seeing as how I live in Colorado Springs.
Thing is, it still was not that hard to find a partner. It's just that while OLD might throw a thousand "options" at me, perhaps 10-20 of them might be interesting enough to even look at without being instantly eliminated in some way...
Instant Nope:
- Military
- Stoner
- Cowboy
- Religious
- Too young (younger than me)
(for instance)
...and I'd send a message to the best few (less than five) of that 10-20 and see if anything came of it. But meanwhile, I was doing what Timberline is talking about. I was finding my community, my people. Which is the local kink and BDSM community. The club where I volunteer has over 1,000 members. On a website where people make profiles to interact for this sort of thing, in my city alone (a city that is known for being supposedly very "conservative") there are 15,107 registered users. Some of those will be fake or inactive, sure, but that's a lot of people, even if it's only about 3% of the city's population. Just an hour north there's Denver, which is an even bigger scene. I'm fairly well connected there, too, and went on a date with a guy from up there back when I was looking, also. But more to the point that is where a perfect match, a like minded guy with everything I needed, was able to spot me and get my attention.
Neither of us would have found each other, or our "happily ever after" had it not been for that community.
Oh, and my reason for avoiding military is not my career. There are other reasons. Mostly because my ex was a soldier. The military damn near rained money on us, but you know what? It's not worth it. The mentality, the culture isn't a thing I ever want to deal with again.
First off thanks for responding, I only brought up your complaint because it was the most recent example I had read here and you have the 2 most common female complaints of a bad dating pool except your city seems to have BOTH extremes, it's usually "I live in a college town where all the townies are stoners" or "I live in a military town where all the other guys leave town at 22"
But anyway your response kinda proves my point, because of your dating pool you have to put in more work than if you had a male heavy dating pool where "your type" was the majority.
Some people want to find a partner but don't want to deal with building social circles, and if your potential dating pool is large enough or the amount of competition is low enough, you don't have to go through the grueling socializing to meet someone(as they will easily find you).
I understand why you ladies don't get this, women (in general) tend to be more social therefore the social aspect of dating is not going to seem as much of an issue to you, it's simply not as stressful from your POV.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Connecting with an individual is NOT a competition. That is not how chemistry and connection works. Other people being there or meeting them doesn't change it.
That would imply that it's impossible to find more than one person attractive, that in every group there is only one person you would be a match for. well that's not the case, and if the ratio's are off one will have 5 potentials while their potentials only have one and who gets picked is only picked by the narrowest of margins.
Quote:
You're still hung up on the notion that attraction and relationships is solely or mainly about physical attributes. It's shallow and not real.
It's all you have to go on in the beginning, Those "physical attributes" are what gets your foot in the door to find out if it can grow into something. the only way for someones "personality" to win out without the "physical attributes" is if something else is keeping you in proximity of each other long enough for the personality to shine through, such as being neighbors, coworkers, a close relative of a friend etc etc.
Quote:
It's less identifiable based on outward appearances. Sure. So what? Talk to people. Make connections. Learn about them. The people that are your people, invest in relationships with them and build community. The way we did things as insecure little kids (punk rock, goth, whatever) was just that. We were insecure and really trying to belong somewhere. Hopefully adults have moved beyond this, that's the "older and wiser" part of the equation.
Is that not the reason you are joining or building communities? because you are "trying to belong somewhere" The only difference seems to be that you are no longer wearing uniforms that allow for easily being spotted in a crowd.
Just last night I was in a wafflehouse and some lady was getting up to go to the restroom and she had a T-shirt with a TARDIS on it, I complemented her shirt and we ended up having an hour long Sci-Fi conversation while her friends talked amongst themselves 3 tables away. before she left she volunteered her number, she called me this morning before she went to work(fingers crossed).
But the point is her friends were all dressed like soccer moms, even she was wearing "mom jeans" and even though she was attractive(thought she was in her 30's and it turned out she was 2 years older than me I'm 48), is in great shape(said she started working out 2 years ago when her divorce was final). I most likely would not have approached her if not for the shirt that marked her out as possibly being part of my tribe.
Trying to wrap my brain around your last statement.
I mean there are millions of people I don't really "notice" in particular. Most people are pretty normal looking, sort of blend into a big crowd of humanity, and don't stand out. There are multitudes of people that I would never notice in a crowd but I'd probably consider dating if it came to it.
I think you're saying you don't find them attractive, and that's fine. People have a type, it's whatever.
But like if you were at a business meeting and a heavy woman was giving a presentation, would your mind filter her out of existence? If a larger person is your cashier at a store and they are really friendly and wish you a nice day, do you scowl and pretend you heard nothing, so as to avoid acknowledging their existence?
Or are you just saying you don't check out overweight women with lusty male eyeballs because you don't find them attractive? That isn't really "worse" than seeing them and thinking negative, judgmental thoughts about them...
Color me slightly confused, I guess.
No, I wouldn't just ignore someone who I was interacting with, like hearing a presentation or a interacting with a cashier. You're right, what I meant was really in the context of dating. I'm not a rude person. I think because of being single and where I live, and the lack of date-able people here (most are married) I'm just always paying attention, and I don't notice obese women. That said, I would acknowledge those people you mentioned.
I have had a lot of guys comment on my RBF, i think one of the reasons bf was attracted to me was because i have this serious/mysterious look about me, he definitely notices when other women share the same look. Other women exist of course but the RBF ones pique his interests. I assume that's what ATL was saying about fit bodies.
Exactly. There's a woman I work with who has rbf and she's the one who brought it up. She's awesome once you get to know her. If she were single, I'd be interested, but never would have approached her out of the blue.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,743,887 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
That would imply that it's impossible to find more than one person attractive, that in every group there is only one person you would be a match for. well that's not the case, and if the ratio's are off one will have 5 potentials while their potentials only have one and who gets picked is only picked by the narrowest of margins. .
What the heck are you talking about?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
It's all you have to go on in the beginning, Those "physical attributes" are what gets your foot in the door to find out if it can grow into something. the only way for someones "personality" to win out without the "physical attributes" is if something else is keeping you in proximity of each other long enough for the personality to shine through, such as being neighbors, coworkers, a close relative of a friend etc etc. .
No, it isn't "all you have to go on in the beginning".
And no, you don't have to spend lots of time in close proximity. If you're social and out and about meeting people, there are times when you're just chatting with them and the chemistry is there, or their energy is appealing. Or one can use OLD and look at the match % and go from there looking at the questions and their answers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
Is that not the reason you are joining or building communities? because you are "trying to belong somewhere" The only difference seems to be that you are no longer wearing uniforms that allow for easily being spotted in a crowd. .
No, that is not the reason. It is because having friends and companions is really fun. Having people in your life that you care for and care for you is really pleasant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx
But the point is her friends were all dressed like soccer moms, even she was wearing "mom jeans" and even though she was attractive(thought she was in her 30's and it turned out she was 2 years older than me I'm 48), is in great shape(said she started working out 2 years ago when her divorce was final). I most likely would not have approached her if not for the shirt that marked her out as possibly being part of my tribe.
That's your loss and why you have such problems. You're incredibly fixated on dress and the shallow attributes.
I have had a lot of guys comment on my RBF, i think one of the reasons bf was attracted to me was because i have this serious/mysterious look about me, he definitely notices when other women share the same look. Other women exist of course but the RBF ones pique his interests. I assume that's what ATL was saying about fit bodies.
When i see people who have let themselves go to the point they are no longer able bodied, i naturally assume there is some trauma going on in the background that has caused them to do this to themselves.
And yes a chubby body is still a capable body. But I'm aware that my idea of overweight/fat may be different to yours.
I wouldn't say my assessment is accurate or fair, or that assessing people is any of my business. It's an old habit I can't shake, though, so I've learned to let the thoughts pass in and out of my awareness, but they still pop in.
No, it isn't "all you have to go on in the beginning".
And no, you don't have to spend lots of time in close proximity. If you're social and out and about meeting people, there are times when you're just chatting with them and the chemistry is there, or their energy is appealing. Or one can use OLD and look at the match % and go from there looking at the questions and their answers.
No, that is not the reason. It is because having friends and companions is really fun. Having people in your life that you care for and care for you is really pleasant.
That's your loss and why you have such problems. You're incredibly fixated on dress and the shallow attributes.
Actually Timber, I do think that some folks continue to wear "tribe identifiers" if you will, all through life. And why not? I love that Cyphorx talked to a woman who was wearing a TARDIS shirt! That's how it's done! You even talked about some brewery logo being a good ice breaker in some situation where you were out in the world, no?
The only issue I take with Cyphorx's last post that you replied to, was the whole "socializing is painfully horrible" thing...I guess the tendency is there to pre-judge other people in bad ways, and that's just assumptions, when you don't take the time to know them. And it becomes one hell of a problem when the woman that a guy wants to meet and date and maybe love...IS A HUMAN PERSON. "No but she's different!" No, no she really is not.
I think that's part of the hard to explain discomfort that a lot of us have with how you talk, Cyphorx. About love, about how you live your life and what you hope to find in a partner and everything. That extreme isolation from other people, take it far enough and it looks like a disconnection from reality and an immersion in a fantasy world. Then reality...where the actual women live...seems threatening to you, it seems.
I mean, I can agree dude, that some people are crap, and depending on the area where you live maybe that ratio of crap people to good people could be higher or lower, but the whole idea is when you find YOUR people...socializing shouldn't be awful.
And ironically, the parties and events I go to...you never saw so many introverts happily socializing. It's like there's a few extroverts like me peppered into the mix, but most of the people in my community are introverts. But hey, we're all a bunch of nerds anyhow.
Thing is, you talk about looks being the only way people get that foot in the door, get drawn to each other to talk in the first place...no, that's what "community" is for, you have cause and opportunity to interact enough to get to know people some... But for some of the guys who say they don't have the looks, but damned if they'll go be social either, it ends up sounding like they just want to be able to select an appealing product from a shelf.
I wouldn't say my assessment is accurate or fair, or that assessing people is any of my business. It's an old habit I can't shake, though, so I've learned to let the thoughts pass in and out of my awareness, but they still pop in.
I like how you say that. People in general walk around unaware of the thoughts going through our head. Bringing awareness to those thoughts and releasing them (the ones that don't serve us) is important. Thats what meditation has taught me, anyway.
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That isn't really "worse" than seeing them and thinking negative, judgmental thoughts about them...
