Why is it harder to find someone when you're older and "wiser" (boyfriends, woman)

[chiluvr1228]

For me it's harder because men my age (64) seem to look so old and unattractive. I am always taken for much younger and can't picture myself with someone who looks old especially since my late husband was much older. Plus many younger guys (under 60) are looking for women 10-20 years younger than they are. That and as we get older we are more particular about who we date unless you happen to be one of those people who must be in a relationship, which thankfully I am not.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by matisse12

Where do you even find any pools or 'sets' to narrow? I don't know how old you are, but once a person is out of school, finding any pools or 'sets' of people to date is not a given.

(unless you're referring to online dating perhaps - but outside of online dating which is not productive for many people, finding pools or sets of people to date certainly is not a given; it's more like serendipitously running into one person at a time)

And older people even more difficult.

40s.

It's not a given, it takes effort. They are found and fostered by getting involved in communities of like minded people living similar lifestyles. What pools/groups those are will vary from individual to individual. No one said it was a "given". It can be serendipitous, for sure, but one has to put effort into fostering and expanding one's community, or even urban tribe, if you will, when one does make such a connection.

[cyphorx]

Originally Posted by timberline742

1) Not neccesarily, since dating is NOT a numbers game, its about finding your people and narrowing focus.

Oh but it is a numbers game, even with narrowed focus a larger pool increases your odds.
many people here say that the type of woman I seek is like 1% of the female population, well they are most likely correct in that estimation... that means in a group of 100 random women there may be 1 that I'm a match with, if there are 500 guys and 100 women in that singles mixer there is 1 possible match and 4 other (similar or equal) guys I have to compete with for her attention not to mention 10-15 other guys who may not be a match but simply want to bang her and know how to put on the charm.



Now if you reverse that I'm going to have an easier time standing out and my odds increase.




I know this because I HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS!!!!

when on road trips and working out of town, I could tell "female heavy" towns just from the body language and non verbal attraction cues of the females I made eye contact with(not to mention the many bold ones that would actually approach).

2) Just because it is good for you, doesn't mean it is good for them.


3) Being there is only a tiny part of the equation. One actually has to connect with them for there to be a match.

And the fewer others you have to compete with for the attention of the compatible few that are left, the better the odds of getting a chance to connect with one of them.

By narrowing the focus on smaller and smaller sets, in manageable sized pools where there is a better chance at connecting is where success is more often found.


Unless we're talking youngins who just care about the other person being physically good looking and fun to be with or whatnot. Then more (like a big nightclub) is better. But I'm talking real relationships between adults.

Okay just for examples sake below is a range of what I find attractive, all the same basic type(down to earth not high maintenance sit back on the weekend and after work and chill) just different physical appearances.









I could be happy with either, if I had to choose it would most likely be the one second from the right all things being equal, but in the rare cases where women out number men about 4-5 women may show interest that I'd be interested in, if I was the only guy they were interested in within that group the numbers played against the 3 I did not pick. and what would suck for those 3 would be that they would have been picked if the others weren't there or if there had been 3-4 more guys there with whatever traits they found attractive in me.



A few women here mentioned their dating pool lacking (like a town of mostly the extremes of potheads and military guys) a girl who smokes weed is going to have a much easier time finding dates in such a city as she would have a HUGE pool to fish from. So would a woman without a career(easier to pick up and move with him if he gets stationed somewhere else, if it's a serious relationship). but it would suck for a career minded woman(she would not like having to move every few years) who was not into pot, pickins would be slim unless she was okay with just casual dating and hookups for life.

Originally Posted by timberline742

40s.

It's not a given, it takes effort. They are found and fostered by getting involved in communities of like minded people living similar lifestyles. What pools/groups those are will vary from individual to individual. No one said it was a "given". It can be serendipitous, for sure, but one has to put effort into fostering and expanding one's community, or even urban tribe, if you will, when one does make such a connection.

That was his point, in your teens and early 20's(college) you have a ready made pool all in one place, in highschool you can plainly see your tribe as they all dress the same and sit at the same table during lunch(preps,jocks,stoners,skaters,ropers etc etc etc) as we get older our tribes are less immediately identifiable. I know potheads who look like soccermoms, I've met bikers who were dentists who live in the burbs etc etc..

[RbccL]

These illustrations are the opposite of women who “sit back and chill after work or on the weekend”...Unless “work” is 8 hours of cardio and weight training during the day, and working on that fat free diet. In order to keep up this appearance there is no chill.

[Auraliea]

Originally Posted by RbccL

These illustrations are the opposite of women who “sit back and chill after work or on the weekend”...Unless “work” is 8 hours of cardio and weight training during the day, and working on that fat free diet. In order to keep up this appearance there is no chill.

Even the "curvy plus sized" woman has abs......I work out 3 to 4 times a week/eat pretty clean and look nothing like that.

Not realistic...at all. Plus they still look......unsettling.

[cyphorx]

Originally Posted by RbccL

These illustrations are the opposite of women who “sit back and chill after work or on the weekend”...Unless “work” is 8 hours of cardio and weight training during the day, and working on that fat free diet. In order to keep up this appearance there is no chill.

Not the 2 on the right, that's just moderate exercise(2 or less hours a day) tone.

Originally Posted by Auraliea

Even the "curvy plus sized" woman has abs......I work out 3 to 4 times a week/eat pretty clean and look nothing like that.

Not realistic...at all. Plus they still look......unsettling.

I used to see women like that at the gym, it's usually what women are built like when they eat right and workout daily, but have a slow metabolism(Endomorphic). So they would never be thin(unless they spent time in a concentration camp) but they can keep themselves proportionate. but those types usually turn apple/barrel shaped very quickly(A few weeks to a month) once they slack off their workouts because of the slow metabolism. it's the female version of being STOCKY.

[That_One_Girl]

Originally Posted by Stockyman

Reality is both sexes physical attractiveness diminishes with age and while other factors are definitely important, it's hard to get something started when physical part is lacking.

Nah. What makes a person attractive is their heart, soul, humor, and personality.

Originally Posted by cyphorx

actually it's the opposite, since women statistically outlive men by 15 - 20 years that means your competition is dying off at a faster rate than the women in your "pool of available partners" you are now reaching the age were that should be becoming noticeable. for the last 90 or so years there has always been way more widows than widowers. prior to that it was flipped only because the number 1 killer of women was childbirth.

Lucky for me I like women too. Guess I'll have my pick of hot widows when I'm older.

Originally Posted by Auraliea

I don't think it's always an age thing.

I'm on my way to 26, and I'm in the mind frame of not wanting to deal with anyone else's "crap" to be completely honest. I don't have much patience and tolerance as it is and I'm a very sensitive person. It's easier for me to stay distant, so I can protect my own sanity.

Yeah totally. The older I get, the less I desire a traditional relationship. Being single is great for this reason. But I think there has to be a nice gray area between the traditional, "together all the time" living together thing and being totally alone. Hoping I can meet people who might want a more alternative style of relationship when I'm older.

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

I actually try to think back to what my criteria were when I was younger and I'm not even sure. I mean, I had some I think? But...

I'm not sure I had any. My criteria back then seemed to be "willing to talk to me". I had extremely low self-esteem during my 20s and thought I HAD to have a boyfriend at all times. I cringe thinking about those days.....

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

This only matters if you're a person that requires a large smorgasbord of options to sort through, though. As mentioned before, there are those who aren't concerned with a huge array of options, fewer high quality options work just fine.

Yeah, I hate the whole "dating is a numbers game" mentality. It really doesn't work that way.

This totally depends on your belief system, of course. But within mine, it doesn't work that way at all. I don't believe love is something you can find by throwing darts at the wall until something sticks.

I'm not meant to fall in love during this phase of my life. I could meet 1000 people and none of them would be right for me because LOVE isn't right for me during this chapter of my life.

When love is right and meant to be, and part of God's plan for me, I won't even need to worry about meeting tons of people. The right people will appear in my life through following my instincts, just like they always have in the past. When I look back at the greatest romances and love stories I've had, you know what they all have in common? Zero effort. They all came into my life magically, like it was meant to be.

Same for all my friendships. Zero effort. Yet, all the friendships I tried to force eventually fell apart.

I'm not saying my instincts wouldn't lead me to try a dating site or that it couldn't happen that way. I don't mean "no effort" in the sense that you could just sit in a cabin alone in the woods and live a hermit life without ever interacting with anyone. But dating should be fun and relaxing, it shouldn't be this desperate search where you're calculating numbers and looking at statistics or worrying about how old you are. The right person for you won't care a damn bit about your age, your looks, or anything else.

Originally Posted by Stockyman

Looks start to fade much earlier than we like to believe.

Once again, looks don't really matter. My opinion of someone's looks is based on how much I like them. Not the other way around.

Originally Posted by SpiritualBaseball

If there's one person in front of you, what is the likelihood that that person is a reasonable choice of a partner for you

If there are ten people in front of you, what is the likelihood that one of those people is a reasonable choice of partner for you

If every person in the world is in front of you, what is the likelihood that one of those people is a reasonable choice of partner for you

The more options you have, the more likely one of those options is good

It doesn't work that way. Love is a powerful energy and connections between people exist before and after this life. We find the people we're meant to in this life, when we are meant to.

[Stockyman]

Originally Posted by That_One_Girl

Nah. What makes a person attractive is their heart, soul, humor, and personality.

True, but for some they need looks to go along with that. Chiluvr1228 has responded at 64 she finds most of the men her age old and unattractive. I don't blame her, nor the other seniors her age who just don't want to date another senior due to lack of looks, along with other issues.

[RbccL]

Originally Posted by Auraliea

Even the "curvy plus sized" woman has abs......I work out 3 to 4 times a week/eat pretty clean and look nothing like that.

Not realistic...at all. Plus they still look......unsettling.

Your description “curvy plus size” made me LOL. These women have no body fat. Not in the face, neck, arms, abs (?) just different shapes of gym rats. That’s a variety?

OP, what are you going to do when you have to accept middle aged women?
I walk at least 3 miles a day 5 x a week, I stay way from carbs, try for 1-ingredient foods, “mostly”—-but I don’t have abs unless we shut the lights off and you turn a flashlight sideways, for real, I’m just trying to keep the “rolls” off. Your selection is extreme, you’ll be waitng a llllllonnnng time to find the right one.

[cyphorx]

Originally Posted by RbccL

Your description “curvy plus size” made me LOL. These women have no body fat. Not in the face, neck, arms, abs (?) just different shapes of gym rats. That’s a variety?

I'f you had no body fat you would be dead in minutes, even very thin people 12-20% body fat the human body only needs 8% for males and 12% for females to function .