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If your age was so very important to her, she should've pushed you for an answer the first time she asked/you refused. Any sensible person would've taken your refusal/demurrance as suspicious and pressed the question. Who refuses to tell their age? Only folks who have an issue with it/are going to lie about it.
SHE indicated via her not making it a big issue, that she was kind of meh about the actual "number". Her behavior as you describe seems to imply that so I can see how you were thinking it was no big deal to her.
If she was grossed out or otherwise really bothered by the notion of dating a man old enough to be her father she should've made knowing your actual age more of a thing at the beginning.
Now as to you, VERY foolish not to divulge your age at the start. Look at the mess resulting therefrom.
Best to divulge early on, do you wish to have a repeat scenario? OR worse, have a girl angry at you for lying by omission? That'll never go well.
I'd rather admit being a young looking 40 than to be seen as an old looking 27.
I absolutely hate divulging my age. That started when I turned 40 and realized online dating would be harder because younger women stopped their searches at 39. Different from the OP, but I get it. I don't tell my age unless pressed. Part of it for me is just not accepting my age because I have regrets about not accomplishing certain things, such as having kids. 18 year age difference is a lot though, even speaking as someone who likes to date younger.
SHE indicated via her not making it a big issue, that she was kind of meh about the actual "number". Her behavior as you describe seems to imply that so I can see how you were thinking it was no big deal to her.
If she was grossed out or otherwise really bothered by the notion of dating a man old enough to be her father she should've made knowing your actual age more of a thing at the beginning.
Indeed, when i dated that girl i already didnt like my age but there was not a single indication about age being such an issue here. A few times i was thinking about whether or not my age could be a problem but at that time, my thoughts were:
- She was fine with the way i looked
- She was fine with the way i behaved, even said positive things about my more adult behaviour
- She was 20, it was nothing illegal, nothing infectious.
- Other women of the same age wanted me the year before, so it was not an extraordinary experience for me.
- She didnt ask about my age for 4 weeks
- Age did never play any role for 4 weeks, was never a topic
- Nobody else took any notive about me being older for 4 weeks.
- I feel and "live" younger anyway
- And then finally, after asking me one time she seemed to be fine with me not wanting to tell it.
And i think that was the main point: I didnt see it coming, i thought i was a nice boyfriend, both were happy and everything fine. I interpreted the age difference as "Its great that i still look young and attractive" and "good that not all women judge me by that number".
However, i guess she thought differently about this. In her view it was probably:
- Dating someone with this age gap was generally unacceptable for her
- I concealed my age, i tried to look younger than i was.
- I didnt tell her something that important for a relationship on my own.
- I went to a party with generally younger women.
- Maybe her parents told her that it is not ok and that brought her in a defensive situation ( i am not sure here).
I am just speculating, but thats the way i see it now.
Maybe, just maybe i would have been able to save it with some better reaction. At least i would now be better prepared for situations, where someone has problems with my age. If someone asks i would probably reply with "You can already see how i am and how i behave. Is the number so important to you?" first. If she said "yes" i would tell it her. If she then has problems with it, i would point out that this number wont harm her and that she wont even feel it.
You aren't happy with being 39, and it comes across in everything you do, to the point that all you're doing is projecting your insecurities onto her and demanding to know why she won't accept you.
But why should she accept you and be happy with you when YOU can't even do that?
In general, youth is valued. By men and women. We can act like the younger person's youth isn't part of their appeal, but it almost always is. So that's kind of a given. Almost anyone would be at least a bit flattered if someone more than a few years younger than them was interested. It's an ego stroke, and in moderation, ego is a good thing.
In moderation. When someone lies about their age, worries specifically about losing the ability to date younger people, and seems oblivious to the wants and needs of the younger person, as you have OP, you're not being moderate.
In general again, I think someone who only dates people significantly younger than them is often trying to fool himself or herself. Date who you want, but if you feel a need to justify it, don't. Maybe think about why you have misgivings, but keep those thoughts private. Sharing them tends to make you look silly and self serving.
Maybe you'll feel better about your age if you stop hanging around the young'uns so much. Try meeting people in your age bracket.
Most single men i have met older than 40 don't like to tell me their age, so your issue isn't uncommon. But you cant run from your age, maybe you should try to embrace being 40.
Maybe you'll feel better about your age if you stop hanging around the young'uns so much. Try meeting people in your age bracket.
Most single men i have met older than 40 don't like to tell me their age, so your issue isn't uncommon. But you cant run from your age.
Well, i have a few points on this.
First, specifically targeting people over 30 would basically mean to ignore many of those women in their twenties, who are most beautiful, attractive and often looking for a partner. Of course there are also some nice older women, but thats much more rare, and in most cases they are not available for a relationship. So having such a lower age limit would be quite a hard restriction. Normally i dont ask for the age anyway however.
Second you say, i cant run from my age. Well, partially true. I can at lesast still try to stay as attractive as i can, e.g. by physical activity. That will change the number of course, but it will hopefully bring the overall attractivity to that of an average younger person. Dont many women try the same?
So under the given alternatives i would first do anything i can to stay attractive enough to compete for younger women as well. I am also thinking about how to behave to (1) not create problems to anyone while (2) be as convincing as possible that my age is not a problem. It wont be possible always (when somebody has a problem with my age), but whats the alternative?
Quote:
maybe you should try to embrace being 40
So is the alternative not dating the most attractive women any more? Considering myself "too old"? Thats quite a lot to ask for. I mean, everyone wants to do his best to be attractive, right? Not only people which happen to be in the perfect age for it.
You need to get your obsession with your age under control. You sound like you are in deep denial and it's causing you to behave in dysfunctional ways. The fact that you are so uncomfortable disclosing your age, signals a great discomfort with oneself. A discomfort that will not be relieved by the validation of a younger person. Speak to a professional.
First, specifically targeting people over 30 would basically mean to ignore many of those women in their twenties, who are most beautiful, attractive and often looking for a partner.
Not necessarily.
Stop limiting yourself to women half your age. Open yourself up to a woman who understands what it's like to be 40 but feel younger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonymousLookingForAdvice
Second you say, i cant run from my age. Well, partially true. I can at lesast still try to stay as attractive as i can, e.g. by physical activity. That will change the number of course, but it will hopefully bring the overall attractivity to that of an average younger person. Dont many women try the same?
From your experience with the girl this thread is about, that's not true. Even though you did your best to act HER age, your actual number did freak her out mainly because you let her operate under the assumption that you were much younger than you are. Of course you should live your healthiest lifestyle possible, but the number itself will not change, and the sooner you accept that, the less likely you are to look desperate.
The sooner you accept who you are, the more "attractivity" you will put out into the world.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonymousLookingForAdvice
So under the given alternatives i would first do anything i can to stay attractive enough to compete for younger women as well. I am also thinking about how to behave to (1) not create problems to anyone while (2) be as convincing as possible that my age is not a problem. It wont be possible always (when somebody has a problem with my age), but whats the alternative?
The alternative is to focus less on manipulative tactics such as "being convincing" that your age is not a problem and just be who you actually are. Confidence is so much more attractive than insecurity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonymousLookingForAdvice
So is the alternative not dating the most attractive women any more? Considering myself "too old"? Thats quite a lot to ask for. I mean, everyone wants to do his best to be attractive, right? Not only people which happen to be in the perfect age for it.
You are showing yourself to be very emotionally immature if you think that only the youngest adults are attractive. What are you going to do when you're 50? 60?
The fact you don't want to accept is that you ARE too old for some women, and they will let you know that. But you at least need to offer them the courtesy of working with all the facts in a situation.
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