Just got out of 3 year year relationship... (dating, boyfriend, girlfriend)

[bxlefty23]

This is kind of long. Im 25 my ex gf was 22. She broke up with me after o ur 3rd anniversery passed in mid Feb. This was my first serious relationship. before meeting her I just wanted to **** every girl I saw,but never gave a **** about any of them.

We went out for 3 years, and basically she was head over heals in love with me while ididnt really open up to her emotionally at all, and she put about 95% of the effort into the realtionship. She also knew she wanted kids/family one day, while Im not sure If I do or not (Im 25 shes 22) Maybe it was (or has been for a while) **** or get off the pot time, she probably should have broken up with me a while ago (although i really had been making much more of an effort to make her happy of late so while she should have probably broken up with me a while ago, the timing was bizarre) or whatever.

Our anniversey was febuary 17th, so we never ever acknowledged Valentines day at all. Well this year on feb 13th me and a freind who was moving away went out drinking till about 6 am, i went home and passed out until 8 or 9 pm. She had called me and wanted to come over and was upset that I didnt even bother to wish her a happy valentines day, saying I didnt care about her enough etc. Anyway our anniversary is great and she seems like the happiest girl in the world. (she wasnt materialistic at all so I don't see her stauing with me for presents, plus despite me making a great deal more money than her she refused to let me spend more on her than she did on me)

Well after that she barely talked to me for about 10 days, never said I love you (you get used to how a persons normal behavior is and this was very abnormal for her) then I went to meet up with her after she got out of work one day to get food and go back to my house. On the ride over I pretty much knew what was gonna happen and sure enough we talked for a little while and she ended it. She kept saying that she wanted me to still be a part of her life, Im her best friend etc and I 100% belive she meant that.But she also said that my lack of emotion and effort had made her feel dead inside. We really never fought and were so comfortable around eachother at all times and she wasnt the lying type.She also said she was focused on her career while I was lazy and just wanted to play poker (This was the one thing she said that i thought was total bull**** but i pretty much let it go.FYI I have played poker for a living for 4 years)) I had played poker since before I knew her,never lied to her about it and ended up making a lot more in the first 2 years than I ever dreamt of.Early on she would complain that poker and baseball were both more important to me than she was (and she was right and I really was a scumbag in that regard for the first year and a half or so, but I really did start making a lot more time for her in the last half of the relationship) At the time I really didn't think I would want to see her again, but even if we never ****ed again she really is a great person and I liked spending time with her, so I decided that I might like to see her again.

I talked to her a week later when i realized how much I missed her and that she had made me think about a lot of things I should have thought about earlier and I wanted to get back with her.She was really standoffish, it was kinda like the prior 3 years hadnt happened.

She said I was making her feel dead inside, hurt her self esteeem by not telling her how I felt or going out of my way to do things for her etc. Like i said I was a pretty ****ty boyfriend early on. I didnt intentionally hurt her, but I didnt go out of my way to make her feel good. For example one of her cousins was getting married and she wanted me to go to the wedding with her. My thought process was this: "weddings are stupid and boring, marriage is stupid so Im not going." honestly not realizing I was being a dick to her. I also made a lot less time for her early on (played about 50-60 hours of poker a week back then, always nights and weekends which is when she was free) The biggest scumbag move was on her birthday the first year. I had a partial Yankees ticket plan and my friend whose name it was under gave me half the tickets in March. In July he brings the other half to a game. As it so happened the next game he had tickets for was her birthday which happened to be the next day. I blew off the plans I had made with her to go to dinner with her and her family (I hadnt met them yet) which naturally made her upset, she started crying and I still went to the game. I think I met up with her after at like 11 or midnight but Im not 100% sure.Im disgusted with how selfish I was in general back then,but epsecially to someone as special as her.

I was never a relationship person before at all. Even when we first started going out I figured we would hang out and **** for a few months until we got tired of each other.
She was a psycology major and I had a lot of problems with my mother growing up to the point where I haven't talked to her since HS and have no intention of ever talking to her again. I rarely tell people anything about this, but felt comfortable enough with my ex-gf that she pretty much knew everything that happened b/w me and my mom within a few months of knowing her. Knowing all of this and understanding the effect it had on me may have been why she cut me so much slack.

Honestly if I didn't know her so well or if i read what I was writing I would assume she was ****ing someone else. her timing made no sense,and if she was gonna break up with me she should have done it 2 years ago. Every 6 months or so (starting maybe 6-8 months after we started going out) she would get really upset that my feelings for her werent as strong as hers were for mine, start crying and too be honest the first 2 or 3 times this happened I really just wanted her to shut the **** up because other than these discussions things were always so good. Then when this came up I started feeling really bad about making her so upset, and finally shortly before Christmas it came up again and I really started going out of my way to make her feel good important and basically just put a lot more effort into the realtionship (it wasnt 50/50 more like 70/30 her but not the 95/5 it used to be) Other than these "fights" we never had any disagreements about anything.

Also she said she still loved me,that I would always be special to her, but she didnt feel the same about me as she used to. Depsite saying she still wanted me to be a part of her life she has not initiated contact at all (even when she called me it was in response to my texts) Considering she was the one who called 75% of the time and always wanted to talk every single day (where as i could talk to her 2 or 3 times a week and be fine with it) its even more clear she wants no part of me.

For a few days it really hurt. I tried not to think about her but it didnt help. I went away for about 10 days, the first 2 or 3 I thought about her a lot,but after that I was doing a lot better. Even after i got back i was fine for almost 2 weeks. I had talked to a few friends about this and one even asked if i would call her again. i said no way and meant it. I fiugred if she called me i would talk but I was pretty much done.

Well i dont know what provoked it, but all of the sudden i started missing her a lot more again. It really hurt a lot more than I expected. I thought about it and decided to call her a few nights ago .I was kind of expecting her to not want to talk to me at all, but she seemed pretty happy when she answered the phone.
We probably talked for about 90 mins. A lot of it was what we've done the last month or so but we also talked about us. I still don't get how she went from head over heels in love with me to not wanting to go out anymore as fast as she did. She said she just doesnt have those feelings for me anymore which on one hand I could understand (you cant force feelings) but on the other I dont know how such strong feelings could disapeer so fast without some kind of catalyst.

We talked about things we both wish we had done differntly, for the most part it was a good conversation, although at times she seemed kind of indifferent even though our whole relationship she was dying for me to open up to her.Too late I guess. She told me she had gone out with some dude a few times, she didnt know where it was going but she wanted to take things slow, wasnt ready for a serious relationship. Maybe Im a retard but I believed her.Even when we started going out she told me about a few hookups shed had before she knew me. She said nothing had happened to this guy and considering her honest track record I dont think shes ****ed him.

I also talked to her about some family problems that have come back into play. Other than the people in my family directly involved Ive never told anyone else about this stuff so it was good to talk to her about that. I was kinda wavering on whether or not to call her and didnt know exactly what i would say,but just like the 3 years with her everything felt natural and amazingly comfortable.

She also said she knows we cant ever be boyfreind/girlfriend again (again I dont understand madly in love to cant be with you again no matter what in a short time) but shes glad I called her, happy I still trust her enough to talk about the family stuff with her, wish I had said a lot of things I said tonight a few months ago.
For example I am 1000000% sure she wanted to get married to me and spend the rest of her life with me.My father had a dog**** marriage, I dont talk to my mother at all. My dad was going out with some woman for about 2 years around 2000. I met her once. 4 days later she was murdered by the father of her daughter infront of her daughter. About 4 years ago he got married to a woman I had met once or twice, she lived here but was Vietnamese and the wedding was in vietnam. Noone from my family went (no way in hell i would take a flight that long but still wasnt askes) and the next thing I know some woman I barely knew was living in my house.My older brother is 29 and has never had a realtionship with a woman (he ****s lots of sluts but nothing serious at all) I barely took her around my family for a combination of reasons. Obvious my family isnt typical and i just went with how things are done. The other reason was I thought if i brought her around a lot that in her mind she would think I wanted to get married/be with her long term. Kinda stupid in hindsight and she said that never would have happened she just wanted to be more of a part of my life.

She also said this conversation was a good step towards friendship but thought it was still too soon to hang out together and that shes glad I still trust her.She said she still would like to be able to talk.Also said she wasnt this guys girlfriend, and had been afraid to be alone but now finally got to be selfish (really not her nature at all, shes way to giving to be selfish, i also kind dont get the being alone but sort dating someone thing)

I guess I misjudged many situations with her but my gut feeling is shes gonna see most guys are actually a lot worse than me despite me being pretty ****ty as a bf early on.Still i guess its too late.
All in all I feel better having called her. theres still things I don't understand but Ive never been too good with women anyway, maybe Im just retarded and missing obvious things.

If anyone, epsecially women have any thoughts and/or advice I would appreciate it.Sorry for such a long report.

[himain]

Well, I'm thinking you've had some time to realize some of the mistakes you made on your part. Thats good. Now hopefully you can apply those realizations in your future relationships. It is important to make the other person feel happy and wanted otherwise you'll end up in the same boat again. Time will heal all things and if its really meant to be, then it will work its way around to you again sometime. Good luck

[UW Badgers]

Like the saying goes, "Don't know what you got till it's gone."

Just re-read your post and you'll have your answers. The fact she hung in for 3 years is something to think about. My husband was only 17 when we met(I older then him) and never did he do what you did on Valentine's Day(regardless of when your anniversary was), and we aren't even into that that much. We don't do gifts, but even when dating we always went to dinner. Heck, he never did that at anytime, did he drink? yes, but to where he slept till 9pm the next day. You need to show some emotion and some caring towards her. It's not all about you. She obviously cared for you and I think you took it for granted.

Relationships aren't all about sex which to me is different then how you so kindly put it, fuc*ing. As himain said, maybe you can now learn and grow to build a better relationship with the next girl. Good Luck.

[bxlefty23]

Your right about not knowing what you have until its gone. As messed up as Valentines day may have seemed to you ( i think its bad but less bad than it sounds)
I almost always sleep until the afternoon anyway (poker games are good atnight until the early morning) At her current job she got out of work at 5pm and my house was o n her way home. When I was going to see here I would set my alarm for about 4pm. I diddnt always go to sleep at the same exact time, but I usually went to sleep b/w 6 and 10 am and wake up b/w 2 and 7. If I was about at 8-9 I would call her on her way to work or when she got to work. If I fell alseep earlier she would usually have called me and I would call her back when I woke up.
On tuesday (v-day was a thurs) of that week I aksed her i f she wanted to come over thursaday and she said yes. then she said she was going to run a few arrends on thrusday and was going to work out, but she would be done around 10 pm and stay over until the next morning until she went to work. Neither one of us mentioned Vday- i really hate hallmark hollidays and instead of trying to make her feel special one day a year I should have been doing it for 3 years. Being I was out so late and she said she wouldnt be over until 10 I slept all day. When i woke up it turned out she had called me at 4 and had cancled her plans because she wanted to see me and was now pissed I hadnt called her to wish her a happy valentines day.
I deifntly took her for granted. I dont really see a difference b/w saying sex or ****ing-even when we were first dating if we starting kissing she would whisper "baby, can you **** me?" in my ear.Its kinda how we both talked. But you are right sex isnt everything. I put this as a reply to someonebody elses post in a different thread:

When we first started going out we had sex really early (second date) We did click so fast it was amazing. She had told me about her sexual past and in there was a drunken one night stand. a few months later after having sex almost every time we saw each other she said she didnt want to have sex that night as it was passover or easter or something (im not religious at all, she believes in god but isnt really religious)
This really pissed me off at first because my attitude was kind of like she can have a one night stand with someone she doesnt know, but cant **** me so what does that say about me?
Well as it turned out we ended up talking for about 8 hours straight. A lot of it was about family problems that I had and I was amazed at how helpful and supportive she was towards me. It really changed the way I looked at her, and while we still had a ton of sex for 3 years it was from that point I realized she was special and felt alot closer to her.

[bxlefty23]

also uw what did you mean by
"The fact she hung in for 3 years is something to think about."

[Oobie119]

Sounds like you realize yourself that you need to grow up a bit. Have you realized that maybe you would like a commitment with the right person? Just be you for a while and determine if thats what you really want to do. Do you want to make the sacrafices it takes to be in a commitment when you feel this way about someone again? You realized that you took a nice girl for granted. It's a tough loss but you'll soon realize your mistakes fully. If you miss her so much that you are distracted playing poker or baseball then you know you made a HUGE mistake. However, if you get over it quickly and can move on back to your old ways. Then you know your just not ready to be THAT mature..

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by bxlefty23

I was never a relationship person before at all. Even when we first started going out I figured we would hang out and **** for a few months until we got tired of each other...theres still things I don't understand but Ive never been too good with women anyway, maybe Im just retarded and missing obvious things

It seems to me that you've learned a very painful lesson. You recognize that you took her for granted and you could have treated her better. At some minor tipping point, she finally had enough. Bottom line: you blew it. You can't blame this on your family; by all indications from your report it was simple immaturity and selfishness.

My advice:
1. buy the alcoholic beverage of your choice
2. put Willie Nelson's "You Were Always On My mind" on the stereo and learn the lyrics
3. Drink yourself into a stupor
4. Cry your eyes out
5. Sleep and sober up
6. Put it in the past and move on, learn the lesson from your mistake, know that you will heal, but realize that there is a scar that will always be there.

[UW Badgers]

It seems to me that you've learned a very painful lesson. You recognize that you took her for granted and you could have treated her better. At some minor tipping point, she finally had enough. Bottom line: you blew it. You can't blame this on your family; by all indications from your report it was simple immaturity and selfishness.

professorsenator is exactly right and this is what I meant by hanging around for 3 years. Just the fact that you said she made 95% of the effort should be a wakeup call to you. You may need to do some growing up a little before taking on another relationship.
Take what you have learned and when the next relationship comes along put in much more of an effort.

[bxlefty23]

Originally Posted by Oobie119

Sounds like you realize yourself that you need to grow up a bit. Have you realized that maybe you would like a commitment with the right person? Just be you for a while and determine if thats what you really want to do. Do you want to make the sacrafices it takes to be in a commitment when you feel this way about someone again? You realized that you took a nice girl for granted. It's a tough loss but you'll soon realize your mistakes fully. If you miss her so much that you are distracted playing poker or baseball then you know you made a HUGE mistake. However, if you get over it quickly and can move on back to your old ways. Then you know your just not ready to be THAT mature..

Actually its funny that you mention that. I tried playing poker a few days after we broke up. I played for a few hours, played horribly because I could not focus at all. I knew was I wasnt in the proper emotional state to play and I was hemmoraging money. Since then I had about a one week period where I played a lot every day, did very well and wasnt thinking much about her. Since i started thinking of her again I havent played at all.
Baseball wise i s a little different- why i i am at times distracted its also a lot more physical and reactionary than poker.Im also not losing a lot of money if I do play horribly.

In a way i wish the pain would just go away, but I also know Im learning from it.
Commitment wise, it would take the right person. Im not going to have a relationship for the hell of it. the one thing about her I always loved was I felt I could be myself around her.She was so helpful and supportive. I didnt open up the way I should have but I didnt feel like I had to put an act on around her like i do with other girls. Everything just flowed naturally. I know it will be hard to find someone with all of her wonderful characteristics, but if they came along I would do things a lot differently.
Before i met her I would get jealous of friends who could have sex with a new girl every month. Once i was with her I actually felt bad for them that they didnt have someone as special as my gf. Im not using my family as an excuse, but we all know our past affects our future.

[slove1106]

I think everyone's answering your questions well and giving you great advice. All I want to comment on is where you ask how someone can basically go from head over heels to finished overnight.

Well, because I've been there, I can tell you that no matter how "quick" someone's feelings seem to change, it really isn't quick. It may seem to you that one day she loved the heck out of you, then she dumps you the next day... But in reality, if she left you, then I guarantee she's been wanting to do it for a while. Seems to me she still really DOES love you because you guys have grown close. But love won't always conquer when it has to do with the rest of your life. If there are things about a person that someone can't live with, then it just may not be meant to be.

She's got 3 years of anger, hurt and unhappiness inside of her. Whether she loves you or not, and whether you've shown changed or not, she still had that in her up to the day she left. Even if she seemed so "happy" right up to the last day, it's probably because she's such a happy or loveable person on the outside. But that doesn't really mean a person's willing to take what was dished to her for 3 years and turn that into a lifelong thing. People get real tired (reaaal tired) after a few years of the same thing over and over again. If someone doesn't show an immediate change (good for you that you did make a little effort in the end) then all those feelings of resentment lingers, and they'll eventually get tired of being tired...

I personally am going through that right now. My bf has a problem that I've dealt with for a couple years. I love the hell out of him, but the more he does it, the more I get frustrated. I don't want to mention what it is because it's a little personal (it's not drugs or anything of that sort) but the more he does it, the more I get tired of it. Now if I decide to leave him after years of being together... It may "seem" quick, but it really hasn't been, it's been a couple years of build up... Know what I mean?