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Yes, you are correct.
She did mention that now that she turned 34 she really wanted to find someone to go 100% for... she still wants to marry and have kids.
To be honest… I've had my fair share of relationships in the past (I'm 34 now) and I've been on a lot of dates.
But never ever have I felt this "she's the one" feeling as with this woman I'm now talking about.
Yes, I know, she must feel it too in order for that to be true ;-)
In 99% of the cases I would let go and move on.
I agree you can't change yourself in a few weeks, but that was not the point. I'm just trying to "get back" to myself.
Because deep down there is this voice that tells me the "normal" me would have been perfect for her.
Like I said I got divorced last year, my (ex-)wife cheated on me several times, she tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions and stuff like that… so that is the reason I was feeling emotionally drained, unconfident, less easy-going and quite depressed.
I'm trying to fix that by eating healthy, doing sports, going out with friends and doing stuff I like.
And also going on dates... It is good for confidence. I'm not lying or leading on any women, it is more of an attempt to rebuild my social/flirting skills… and perhaps some day there will be one that comes along and makes me forget her.
But for now nothing or nobody can take my mind off of her.
If there does come a second chance, I'm not going to make it THAT easy for her. I do need to feel that she respects me, but somehow it feels like "the broken version of myself" triggered this disrespect and it things could have ended way differently.
I mean, how many women would feel attracted to a guy that sends them long, emotionally loaded and clingy messages in the middle of the night… I just don't know why/what I was doing back then… I just felt so desperate to get her :-s
What the?
I suggest zero relationships for you for a long time.
Ok, So I have been on 8 dates the last 2 months with an amazing woman that is pretty much everything I ever dreamed of.
She seemed totally into me during the first 3 – 4 dates and then I started noticing the first signs of hesitation/withdrawal.
We had a talk about this, and I told her I was not yet feeling my best, happy, confident self due to a divorce last year (of which I already told her before).
We continued dating and eventually started kissing, cuddling, making plans to do things on the longer term.
And now all of a sudden she blows me off, tells me she’s not feeling the way she would like to feel and that she thinks this is because I’m not fully recovered and put too much pressure on her. She also admitted she was dating a 2nd guy and proposed to have a break in dating with me for 1 – 2 months. She tells me I’m such a great guy and that she really would have liked to feel it the way she would like it. And if it doesnt work out with this 2nd guy we could maybe try to make it work in a few weeks.
So I totally get that… I am aware I had not been behaving in a very attractive way.. quite unconfident, needy and a bit clingy.
So I decided to focus on myself now and take the next few weeks to get my act together and to try to improve myself, my life and my lifestyle. I’m almost 100% sure this would have been a match made in heaven when I would have felt better from the start.
However, I also feel like she acted in a disrespectful way and that really bothers me. I dont want to be a second choice. And I think I would not have been when I had been feeling confident and happy enough at the start.
So now I don’t know…
a) Call it quits
b) See if she really contacts me again in a few weeks and show her the new and improved me
c) Contact her myself in a few weeks if she doesn’t do it, and show her I’m improved.
d) Someting else entirely? ��
I'm aware I probably became emotionally invested too quickly and put her "on a pedestal" emotionally speaking.
She told me honestely she felt pressure from that.
I was over my ex (as in: I did not miss HER anymore), but I had trouble filling the big black hole of time and lack of affection that remains after a long and dedicated relationship.
With this new woman I shared almost identical interests, life vision and lifestyle. She also told me she felt a strong physical attraction for me and feelings of trust early on which she liked.
So I can only guess that "the missing feeling" she describes is the gut-wrenching pull a strong, confident and happy man can have on a woman.
I am hard at work bettering myself and am dating other women as well in an attempt to move on. But my mind still goes out to her... and the "what if" question remains.
Do you believe in 2nd chances after a few weeks of "no contact" in a case like this?
Thanks for any advice, insights, guidance, …
I think that she was trying to let you down gently. I would not bother with her again. Move on. What choice do you have at this point, anyway? I think, and this is just my opinion, that it wouldn't hurt for you to work through the trauma of problems that occurred between you and your ex wife. You might just not be ready to date yet. The neediness and smothering that you showed this women, might be your sub conscious way of trying to sabotage that relationship because deep down you were not ready.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 04-01-2019 at 04:05 PM..
She likely had an initial interest in you (strongly) but then the cracks started to appear quickly and she wants to take the rear exit out. Let her go and don’t attempt to reach out.
There is ALWAYS a possible second chance. However just not now. Gget yourself together, might take 6 months to a year. Never appear needy again. Then sure you can check if she's available to date, give it another try.
I started liking an acquaintance when she was separated from her husband. I sent long texts, calls, stupid needy questions, etc. Acting very needy chasing her. I then realized my mistake and completely stopped chasing her. And got over my neediness feelings towards her. Now, 6 months later I'm secure and not acting needy. And she's noticed. I'm surprised she's noticed. She now wants to start being closer with me. I'm getting really good vibes from her, and things are just starting to happen. I'm happy about that, and would not have happened if I hadn't stopped chasing her.
However, some here are saying forget her completely. As if you disappeared. I don't recommend that. What I'm going to recommend I think is critical and many here will disagree: Over the months as you improve yourself you MUST let her know at times you still have interest in her but as friends right now, and nothing needy at all. A way that shows her you are doing just fine without her, and demands nothing from her. All while not chasing her whatsoever. That will spark her curiosity (has he changed?). That's what you want. That's what worked with me.
You can't do this by initiating contact, unless she does first. I was able to see her once a week or so, and that let me show her I'm fine without her, but I was plain friendly with her. I didn't ignore her.
If you don't have a way to see her at times in person incidentally, you can't do this. But if you have a way to see her at times in person incidentally, you can do this, and I recommend it. It shows her "hey he's acting ok without me like a normal non-needy friend, seems to still be interested in me, but is not chasing me, what is that about?"
It's rare when a man shows interest in a woman, is working o improve himself, but not chasing her. You can't chase her whatsoever, but you want her to know you have interest in her. Especially if she's the one you want. Nothing might ever happen.
Unfortunately she lives a 2hr drive away from me... so accidentally bumping into aint gonna happen
Only thing I can do is occassionaly post something interesting on my facebook for her to notice I'm doing fine.
Or send her a text in a few weeks (if she doesn't) to ask how she's been doing and see how she reacts from there without chasing...
The gal is evidently slighting and disrespecting you when she says she will get with you if it doesn't work with the other guy...
Agreed, I have no idea how you could even consider going back to her after she said that to you. Imagine if you'd said that to her. Move on, or stick around and be pathetic.
Unfortunately she lives a 2hr drive away from me... so accidentally bumping into aint gonna happen Only thing I can do is occassionaly post something interesting on my facebook for her to notice I'm doing fine.
Or send her a text in a few weeks (if she doesn't) to ask how she's been doing and see how she reacts from there without chasing...
This is also quite goofy and a smart woman will see right through the charade. Or not give a damn and get herself ready for her date.
Live your life and stop wasting time planning on how to leave an impression on someone who's moving on.
Point taken, thanks Birdie!
It is often difficult seeing the truth when blinded by feelings/emotions, hence my post on this forum :-)
I totally get it. Been there. The problem is she sees you as an option, a back up plan or she is just trying to let you down gently. First impressions are the ones that usually stick.
My advice is to continue to work on yourself, fill your life with people and activities that make you happy, but at the same time learn to spend time alone. Be comfortable with yourself first, only then can you truly be comfortable with someone else. No matter how hard you try, It will always be evident that you are trying and that can make people uncomfortable. Best advice I have ever gotten is " just do you ".
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