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Apologies if this has already been covered. I think it's pertinent to the topic.
As one who has been through it, I can say with conviction that divorce can bring with it a shattering sense of loss and grief, which takes years to learn to live with.
In my opinion, severe grief is not something one 'gets over'.It always remains, but becomes easier to manage with time.
Allow NO ONE to ever tell you when you should stop visibly grieving ,about anything. It takes as long as takes. It's only too long if you think it is; then seek help if needed. After my divorce, it was 2 and a half years before I dated. 5 years before I began to feel 'normal'.
I endorse what has been said on other posts; avoid any major decisions for at least a year.
Divorce law varies enormously between countries. I'll outline what it's like here;
Australia has 'no fault divorce'. A marriage may be ended by either spouse. A divorce maybe applied for after one year of separation. Final decree takes about 3 months.
A property settlement may be done at any time prior to the divorce, but must be approved by the family court. Especially important if there are children; it is the court who decides the contributions of a non custodial parent.
In my state, you are entitled to a free 20 minute consult with a family law solicitor, at the offices of the Family Court.I wrote down a list of questions, many with a yes/no answer. That 20 minutes saved me thousands of dollars. Eg My wife left me. I had no intention of divorcing her. If she wanted a divorce, she had to pay for it. I did not even hire a lawyer. There was no need; no children, property settlement was written by her lawyer. The actual decision was made by the court. (I had seen it and approved)_
A word of caution:do try to avoid acting out of hurt and anger, and being bloody minded ;it WILL cost you a lot of money. In my case there was a $2000 discrepancy in her flavour. To equalise that would have cost me more than I would have gained.
A final word of advice: DO NOT phone ,email or write to your estranged spouse, at all, if possible. You will gain nothing, and anything you put in writing may be used against you, in unexpected ways.
Apologies if this has already been covered. I think it's pertinent to the topic.
As one who has been through it, I can say with conviction that divorce can bring with it a shattering sense of loss and grief, which takes years to learn to live with.
In my opinion, severe grief is not something one 'gets over'.It always remains, but becomes easier to manage with time.
Allow NO ONE to ever tell you when you should stop visibly grieving ,about anything. It takes as long as takes. It's only too long if you think it is; then seek help if needed. After my divorce, it was 2 and a half years before I dated. 5 years before I began to feel 'normal'.
I endorse what has been said on other posts; avoid any major decisions for at least a year.
Divorce law varies enormously between countries. I'll outline what it's like here;
Australia has 'no fault divorce'. A marriage may be ended by either spouse. A divorce maybe applied for after one year of separation. Final decree takes about 3 months.
A property settlement may be done at any time prior to the divorce, but must be approved by the family court. Especially important if there are children; it is the court who decides the contributions of a non custodial parent.
In my state, you are entitled to a free 20 minute consult with a family law solicitor, at the offices of the Family Court.I wrote down a list of questions, many with a yes/no answer. That 20 minutes saved me thousands of dollars. Eg My wife left me. I had no intention of divorcing her. If she wanted a divorce, she had to pay for it. I did not even hire a lawyer. There was no need; no children, property settlement was written by her lawyer. The actual decision was made by the court. (I had seen it and approved)_
A word of caution:do try to avoid acting out of hurt and anger, and being bloody minded ;it WILL cost you a lot of money. In my case there was a $2000 discrepancy in her flavour. To equalise that would have cost me more than I would have gained.
A final word of advice: DO NOT phone ,email or write to your estranged spouse, at all, if possible. You will gain nothing, and anything you put in writing may be used against you, in unexpected ways.
OF COURSE death is forever. So is divorce, but the person is still around.. My wife and I continued to live in the same small city and to work for the same government department. We occasionally ran into each other. That was distressing for both of us. There was never any open hostility.
When some one you care about dies, it's not normally your fault. Nor is there usually public humiliation.
For the first six months after my separation , my feeling were of shame, personal failure and guilt. The guilt was for the first year or so, when I thought it was all my fault for being a bad husband. (I had never hit my wife, emotionally hurt her, nor had I ever cheated on her)
In the second year, there was a lot of rage, and it was all her fault. About the third year on, I began to understand that apportioning blame was a wasted exercise; it changed nothing.
It is not my intention to claim one type of grief is easier/harder than another. All deep grief brings mental anguish. l suspect effects vary between individuals, so broad generalisations are not helpful..The sufferer is aware of his/her suffering, and wants it to stop. It eventually becomes a lot less, so that one can function. However, the sense of loss never leaves completely, one just learns to live with it..
OF COURSE death is forever. So is divorce, but the person is still around..However, the sense of loss never leaves completely, one just learns to live with it..
Divorce is not necessarily forever. Many people get remarried to the same person. Yes, the sense of loss does completely go away, IF you find another love.
Wouldn't this subject be better off in the "Relationship" forum? This forum is about death, not divorce.
I was married for 20 yrs and was divorced. Married again to a wonderful man for 20 yrs and he passed unexpectedly about a yr and half ago. The divorce was harder for me. They both cause grief but the divorce was harder. Maybe because I had kids still at home, maybe because it's someones decision to leave you (he later begged me back.. too late), a rejection. Dunno but I can say it almost cost me my life and took longer to bounce back from.
I was married for 20 yrs and was divorced. Married again to a wonderful man for 20 yrs and he passed unexpectedly about a yr and half ago. The divorce was harder for me. They both cause grief but the divorce was harder. Maybe because I had kids still at home, maybe because it's someones decision to leave you (he later begged me back.. too late), a rejection. Dunno but I can say it almost cost me my life and took longer to bounce back from.
Divorce is not necessarily forever. Many people get remarried to the same person. Yes, the sense of loss does completely go away, IF you find another love.
Wouldn't this subject be better off in the "Relationship" forum? This forum is about death, not divorce.
Agreed. The sense of loss from a divorce is certainly real, and there can be a grieving, but those are only part of a spectrum of feelings and reactions that manifest. The discussion and examination of those is better addressed in the relationships forum, rather than constantly having to avoid parts of the discussion that really aren't appropriate to the Grief and Mourning forum. Moving the thread.
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