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Old 04-12-2008, 02:52 PM
 
Location: San Gabriel Valley, CA
12,552 posts, read 12,844,584 times
Reputation: 8404

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Fat Freddy, you always make me laugh. Honestly, you should write a book of Freddy-isms and have it published. I would be first on line to buy it.

That said...to the OP: You say it's about health, but you seem really, really, really, really (did I mention "really"?) angry at your husband. It's in the little things you say, the way you put them, even a silly thing like calling him your H instead of your DH...commenting that your marriage was supposed to be a contract and I guess he's violating that?--you just seem, well, as I said...seriously angry. And disgusted. "I tried the nicey-nice thing for years..." If that's how you thought of it, sarcastically and demeaningly, then he felt it. I felt it and I'm not even married to you.

The very first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it's not about health. That's what everybody says, because it's a way to get oneself off the hook. "I'm not telling so-and-so he or she grosses me out for being a fat*ss. I'm telling him or her I'm very concerned about his or her health. That makes me a caring person rather than a judgmental one."

The reason I say this is that if you try to give him the "it's all about your health" thing, he'll feel immediately that that's not it or at least that it's not all of it...and in fact probably not a significant amount of it. He's been married to you for a long time. He'll know. I'm wondering, myself, whether it might not actually be him digging his feet in at this point and refusing to lose the weight because he doesn't want to be your poodle who meekly does what you want just because you want it. ETA: Not saying that's what you're trying to accomplish, but rather, that's how it would probably feel to him. That's surely how it would feel to me. I'm wondering, to put it in one sentence, whether he resents you for how you feel about him--disgusted (and trust me...he knows).

I just think you need to take a step back, address the anger you have, wonder why it makes you angry. You may have touched on a part of it by saying you believe he doesn't love you, because if he did, he would lose the weight (I'm summarizing that; it's not exactly how you said it but that was the gist)--that's a good starting point, really thinking about that and wondering if it's true...I don't, personally, but I understand that conditioning might make us think so. We women seem to often go the "if he really loved me, he'd..." route. "If he really loved me, he'd take me to Cancun instead of camping." "If he really loved me, he'd shave the goatee he knows I hate." "If he really loved me...he'd lose weight..."

Now turn that around. What if your husband thought/said those things about you? "Oh sure, she works out. But let's face it, a few things are heading south. If she REALLY loved me she'd get a boob job so they'd be just a scootch bigger and a few centimeters higher. And I mean not just for my ogling, but for her back health--I don't want to see her in traction and having back surgery from low b**bs hanging and putting a strain on her back. And the tummy. Sure, she works out to trim it down but I know there's still some fat on there. Belly fat is the number one indicator of future heart disease in women...yet when I talk to her about it, she gets offended...I don't get it...doesn't she love me? Oh, yeah, and she'd stop wearing red. She knows I HATE red. Why does she wear it if she knows I hate it? She must not love me. Plus...if she really loved me, she'd bl*w me three times a week. She knows I like it. What about our marital contract? She's not holding up her part."

Wouldn't that p*ss you off? God, I hope so!

Anyway, sorry for the long and rambling post. I tend to see our thoughts, feelings and judgments as mirrors. They often say more about us than they do the other person. So I'm sorry I don't have solid advice on how to "get" your husband to lose weight; I tend to look at things from the other angle. Please, you, I and the man in the moon know that nobody...nobody...no-bo-dy can "get" another person to lose weight, stop smoking, cut down on drinking, stop watching porn, begin to suddenly hate football...etc. So I figured I'd put in my $.02 on looking at things from another angle.

Hope the two of you work this out.

Last edited by JerZ; 04-12-2008 at 03:01 PM..
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Old 04-12-2008, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,053 posts, read 5,154,820 times
Reputation: 3631
Smile Spouse gained weight

Quote:
Originally Posted by ARC View Post
I'm not sure what else I can do to be supportive. I've been loving and nicey-nice for years and he's just gained more weight. He even said once that his weight must not really bother me because I showed that I still loved him. But it DOES bother me. I don't love him less - I just don't like how he's slowly killing himself.
My husband went to Weight Watchers as a kid (15 to 18) and watches everything he eats. I lost 47 pounds in 2003 and now have gained back 30 so I know I can lose but I know I find food delicious and I love the stuff that probably isn't good for you - anyway, what would help me is getting out for a walk (with him), exercise (with him), etc.

Good luck - my husband has lost 20 pounds in the past 18 months and is at his correct level so I feel pressure on me....
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Old 04-12-2008, 04:17 PM
ARC ARC started this thread
 
181 posts, read 569,562 times
Reputation: 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
Fat Freddy, you always make me laugh. Honestly, you should write a book of Freddy-isms and have it published. I would be first on line to buy it.

That said...to the OP: You say it's about health, but you seem really, really, really, really (did I mention "really"?) angry at your husband. It's in the little things you say, the way you put them, even a silly thing like calling him your H instead of your DH...commenting that your marriage was supposed to be a contract and I guess he's violating that?--you just seem, well, as I said...seriously angry. And disgusted. "I tried the nicey-nice thing for years..." If that's how you thought of it, sarcastically and demeaningly, then he felt it. I felt it and I'm not even married to you.

The very first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it's not about health. That's what everybody says, because it's a way to get oneself off the hook. "I'm not telling so-and-so he or she grosses me out for being a fat*ss. I'm telling him or her I'm very concerned about his or her health. That makes me a caring person rather than a judgmental one."

The reason I say this is that if you try to give him the "it's all about your health" thing, he'll feel immediately that that's not it or at least that it's not all of it...and in fact probably not a significant amount of it. He's been married to you for a long time. He'll know. I'm wondering, myself, whether it might not actually be him digging his feet in at this point and refusing to lose the weight because he doesn't want to be your poodle who meekly does what you want just because you want it. ETA: Not saying that's what you're trying to accomplish, but rather, that's how it would probably feel to him. That's surely how it would feel to me. I'm wondering, to put it in one sentence, whether he resents you for how you feel about him--disgusted (and trust me...he knows).

I just think you need to take a step back, address the anger you have, wonder why it makes you angry. You may have touched on a part of it by saying you believe he doesn't love you, because if he did, he would lose the weight (I'm summarizing that; it's not exactly how you said it but that was the gist)--that's a good starting point, really thinking about that and wondering if it's true...I don't, personally, but I understand that conditioning might make us think so. We women seem to often go the "if he really loved me, he'd..." route. "If he really loved me, he'd take me to Cancun instead of camping." "If he really loved me, he'd shave the goatee he knows I hate." "If he really loved me...he'd lose weight..."

Now turn that around. What if your husband thought/said those things about you? "Oh sure, she works out. But let's face it, a few things are heading south. If she REALLY loved me she'd get a boob job so they'd be just a scootch bigger and a few centimeters higher. And I mean not just for my ogling, but for her back health--I don't want to see her in traction and having back surgery from low b**bs hanging and putting a strain on her back. And the tummy. Sure, she works out to trim it down but I know there's still some fat on there. Belly fat is the number one indicator of future heart disease in women...yet when I talk to her about it, she gets offended...I don't get it...doesn't she love me? Oh, yeah, and she'd stop wearing red. She knows I HATE red. Why does she wear it if she knows I hate it? She must not love me. Plus...if she really loved me, she'd bl*w me three times a week. She knows I like it. What about our marital contract? She's not holding up her part."

Wouldn't that p*ss you off? God, I hope so!

Anyway, sorry for the long and rambling post. I tend to see our thoughts, feelings and judgments as mirrors. They often say more about us than they do the other person. So I'm sorry I don't have solid advice on how to "get" your husband to lose weight; I tend to look at things from the other angle. Please, you, I and the man in the moon know that nobody...nobody...no-bo-dy can "get" another person to lose weight, stop smoking, cut down on drinking, stop watching porn, begin to suddenly hate football...etc. So I figured I'd put in my $.02 on looking at things from another angle.

Hope the two of you work this out.
I guess this is why the internet is not a good place to ask for feedback on a personal problem. I don't feel comfortable revealing everything (and yes, there is a double standard here - I am "expected" to stay fit and trim for him.) So, yes, I guess you are right and I am angry at him.

Thanks for the feedback everyone!
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Old 04-13-2008, 12:16 AM
 
Location: Too far from the beach, NJ
5,073 posts, read 3,046,998 times
Reputation: 2499
Actually, even if he did, I would still be unbelievably attracted to him. But, I would want him to lose weight for his health.
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Old 04-13-2008, 12:23 AM
 
Location: southern california
50,261 posts, read 47,603,261 times
Reputation: 41655
the problem for many of us reading this thread is we are already divorced. meaning we would not even consider putting up with the nonsense described in this thread.
a lot of us choose to remain single for this reason.
i'm a lil lonely but im alright.
(those around me can get fat or thin all they want----- when you dump somebody they become responsible for their own stuff, very sobering and good for them.
its your thing do what yo wana do i cant tell you who to sock it to, sing it!!!)
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Old 04-13-2008, 12:54 AM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,980 posts, read 18,918,845 times
Reputation: 10491
My wife is so self conscious about her weight and how she looks it will never happen. Three weeks ago she was 177lbs which was the morning she had our daughter and today she's down to 142lbs and expects to be back to her normal weight of 125lbs - 130lbs in another week or so. She herself is disgusted by people who let themselves become obese and out of shape.
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Old 04-13-2008, 08:20 AM
Status: "The blue mat is obsessed with me. Whyyyy??" (set 6 days ago)
 
13,648 posts, read 22,057,303 times
Reputation: 5372
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaBeez View Post
My wife is so self conscious about her weight and how she looks it will never happen. Three weeks ago she was 177lbs which was the morning she had our daughter and today she's down to 142lbs and expects to be back to her normal weight of 125lbs - 130lbs in another week or so. She herself is disgusted by people who let themselves become obese and out of shape.
Does she have another baby in there or something? I mean, seriously, how is she going to lose (by your count) 12-17 lbs in a week???? I think she needs to market whatever secret she's using. 142 to 130 (or 125) in a week does not sound like a healthy weight loss. I believe that's why people just give up!! Setting unrealistic, unhealthy goals makes a person miserable in the long run.
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Old 04-13-2008, 10:11 AM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,980 posts, read 18,918,845 times
Reputation: 10491
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire View Post
Does she have another baby in there or something? I mean, seriously, how is she going to lose (by your count) 12-17 lbs in a week???? I think she needs to market whatever secret she's using. 142 to 130 (or 125) in a week does not sound like a healthy weight loss. I believe that's why people just give up!! Setting unrealistic, unhealthy goals makes a person miserable in the long run.
LOL She there's no other baby in there and I dont know how she does it other than she eats really well. She is also very very fit normally so the weight just seems to be melting away. I always thought women who have babies keep baby weight on for months (some years) but she's getting back down to her normal "fighting weight" rather quickly. 125 does seem a bit out of reach in a week or so. I like her better at around 130-135 anyway.
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Old 04-13-2008, 10:32 AM
 
1,009 posts, read 1,480,338 times
Reputation: 577
You have every right to want him to shape up. In this day and age with our understanding of exercise and fitness, there's no excuse he can't keep himself in moderately good shape. I just have no clue how you are gonna go about it, without threatening him with divorce or something. If you're already not having sex because you're not attracted to him, it's not like things can get any worse for him. You could just remain quiet on the issue for a few months, since you've probably already made it very clear that you disapprove of it. I keep myself in good shape, I would expect my wife to as well. She wouldn't have to be a fitness model, but obesity would seriously turn me off. Unlike a woman I actually have to get it up to have sex with her.

If he's giving you the cold shoulder, give it right back. Eventually either he'll come around, or he won't. Just go silent completely on the topic, because when a wife is not nagging you constantly, something is way wrong. If he asks you about it, just say it's fine. Don't make eye contact. You still love him, but you do have leverage if he still loves you. It ain't pretty but that's why some of us are putting off marriage as long as possible.
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Old 04-13-2008, 10:33 AM
 
Location: beautiful North Carolina
7,574 posts, read 7,188,319 times
Reputation: 5462
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
Am I missing something? I'm a personal trainer and fitness instructor and I would never advocate the option to shame him or hold back love from him to try to motivate him to become healthy. You will have disasterous effects not to mention contribute to an already exisiting self esteem problem.

I think you need to ask yourself why you love this person. If it's true love why is it so conditional with you? We all want our Lovers and Partners to be happy and healthy, but withholding love because his body does not look a certain way? That makes no sense to me. I apologize if my words seem harsh, but seriously this is one of the most insensitive post's I've read in a very long time.
I think what she is trying to say is that the problem stems from the fact that this person she is spending her life with doesn't seem to care about himself or the fact that he may not be around long enough to see his children grow up and grow old with her. That surely would be unattractive to me also. If his life consists of eating and sitting in front of the tv on a regular basis, then I'm sure that must be taking away from the time he spends with her and his family. I don't think we should be judgemental here but more helpful. If she didn't care for this person, she wouldn't be reaching out to others for help. The only thing I can add to this is counseling. If he loves you and your family then hopefully he will be willing to reach out for additional assistance.
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