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4) Counselors universally take the wife's side, whether they're a man or a woman. I don't know if they're trained to do it, or they do it because of feminism, but it is what it is. So if a couple goes to counseling, the husband is guaranteed to lose, even he's the one paying the bill at the end. Most likely, the wife and the counselor will band together and berate the husband through the entire session (for his own good, of course), with him being powerless to stop it. Because that makes him "resistant" or "uncooperative".
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet
It may only seem that way.
Often enough, my friends will go to counseling with their cheating husbands and are almost always asked what their role was in causing the man to cheat. Two of these men began affairs with their therapist. Talk about betrayal...
Maybe it's just the age we and our friends are (30s - 50s) but it seems like cheating is rampant and the primary goal of these psych. jerks is to make sure blame is spread around evenly, no matter who actually did the cheating. Man or woman, the betrayed party gets shoveled under the mess and told that they need to own their part in being betrayed.
I would love to know how either of you know how marital counseling really goes, like you weren't there...I KNOW that MillennialUrbanist has never had the kind of relationship that would merit counseling, and has no intention of doing so... Your friends told you? Wow, no way they had a bias. If they already saw things as "me vs. the wife" then sure everyone is out to get them and no one is on their "side!" Whatever. Urbanist your friends sound lame. Nothing is ever their fault, everyone makes them do things they don't wanna, they never get to have any fun. Wah, wah, wah. It sounds like they are making a heap of excuses to you and everyone around them. Don't like your life, as an adult? Change it. That's what being an adult is for, we have that ability, you know?
And LieslMet, I find it pretty wild that you know two people who had intimate affairs with therapists, seeing as how at least in my state, that is a career ender for any mental health professional. You can become a "registered psychotherapist" here in Colorado, with no formal education or experience whatsoever, if you pay a fee to register and sign off on some basic stuff. But one of the things you sign off on, is that if you cross that particular boundary, you will never practice again in the state. Hell for all I know you go into a database and can't practice again in the country. That is a HUGE no-no. It's considered to be right there with teachers and students (only less heinous due to age of consent issues.) Massive ethical breach.
But as for criticism of therapy... In a way I get it because I have not had useful experiences with them, myself. They don't have any input that I could not have come up with on my own. They usually just sit there and ask leading questions to keep me talking. It's a time and money sink that often is unhelpful. But I use other tools to better effect, like reading certain self-help section books, journaling, and mood management with things that I know help me to feel good.
Anyways, again, I was not suggesting marriage counseling anyhow. It isn't about having an ally to take your side against your spouse. The entire and only reason I suggested INDIVIDUAL therapy is that these people are unloading on a friend, and it's damn likely it will cost them that friendship. Seems finding someone else to unload on might be better.
I call them affairs because they started an immediate, open relationship once therapy was over and one of them filed for divorce. As in, the next day. But, of course, there's no way to prove the relationship started in counseling. There is only the fact that the counselor had been throwing the betrayed wife under the bus and blaming her for her husband "looking elsewhere/outside the unfulfilling marriage," and then they would start dating each other openly right after. The likelihood of nailing them to the professional wall was unlikely and what benefit would there be for them, to do so? It's over. They wanted to move with their lives and shut the door ASAP. One did send a letter to her employer and it was returned and "investigated and decided to be unfounded." Obviously. "We have investigated ourselves and found our conduct to be blameless!" haha
I call them affairs because they started an immediate, open relationship once therapy was over and one of them filed for divorce. As in, the next day. But, of course, there's no way to prove the relationship started in counseling. There is only the fact that the counselor had been throwing the betrayed wife under the bus and blaming her for her husband "looking elsewhere/outside the unfulfilling marriage," and then they would start dating each other openly right after. The likelihood of nailing them to the professional wall was unlikely and what benefit would there be for them, to do so? It's over. They wanted to move with their lives and shut the door ASAP. One did send a letter to her employer and it was returned and "investigated and decided to be unfounded." Obviously. "We have investigated ourselves and found our conduct to be blameless!" haha
Your state's laws must differ. I guess.
Here, you can not have romantic, intimate, or sexual involvement with someone who is, or every has been, your client as a mental health professional. Period. And a person would not send a letter to an employer (most own their own practice...?) you would contact the state regulatory commission. The therapist would be severely fined and lose their legal right to practice in that field.
I have heard that this standard is fairly common.
And it exists for VERY good reason. A therapist, with deep knowledge of all of a client's personal information, would have a lot of ability to manipulate them or engage in predatory behavior, so they should be under pretty serious restrictions against any such possibility.
My ex and I went to counseling. The counselor (a man) didn't take either side, though at one moment when my ex interrupted me yet again, he (counselor) did pause and ask me, "Does he always do that?" I just nodded. I didn't really get a word in edgewise when my ex was around. Otherwise he did the standard thing, just listening and occasionally commenting to keep the flow of talk moving along. We quit before too many sessions, it seemed pretty pointless since we both were well aware that the marriage was done and not going to be salvaged. It was a pretty lame gesture that accomplished nothing at that point.
4) Counselors universally take the wife's side, whether they're a man or a woman. I don't know if they're trained to do it, or they do it because of feminism, but it is what it is. So if a couple goes to counseling, the husband is guaranteed to lose, even he's the one paying the bill at the end. Most likely, the wife and the counselor will band together and berate the husband through the entire session (for his own good, of course), with him being powerless to stop it. Because that makes him "resistant" or "uncooperative".
In my experience, this hits the nail directly upon the head.
Edited to add: 8 yrs ago, trying to hold marriage together after wife left, before I found out she was in an affair, counseling cost $150/hr out of my pocket, ex later admitted she told counselor she was only there to convince me she wasn't coming back, counselor played along and happily pocketed my money.
SMH. Trying to pass off your personal bias as a universal truth.
All people are inherently bias, this doesn’t mean they are incapable of having thoughts outside of what they cannot control. It just means counselors (being human) also can suffer from this affect or have their methodology be affected by their own personal history.
This is why it’s important when choosing someone to talk to that they fall in line with your belief system or way of life.
Counselors are not one size fits al simply because they have received training and have become licensed, their approaches are not always universally relevant.
Last edited by rego00123; 04-18-2019 at 03:15 PM..
I have my masters degree in school and mental health counseling. I can’t believe the ignorance in the comments regarding counseling. It sounds like the friends want someone to “hear” them. Perhaps they are bottling up their emotions because they don’t have the proper “tools” to cope with them. Maybe they feel they have no options or control of the situation right now. I think it would be helpful for your friend to start taking action towards whatever her goals are with the marriage. Taking action even if small will allow to feel a sense of control. In any case, let them know you care but you have to create boundaries for your own mental health.
4) Counselors universally take the wife's side, whether they're a man or a woman. I don't know if they're trained to do it, or they do it because of feminism, but it is what it is. So if a couple goes to counseling, the husband is guaranteed to lose, even he's the one paying the bill at the end. Most likely, the wife and the counselor will band together and berate the husband through the entire session (for his own good, of course), with him being powerless to stop it. Because that makes him "resistant" or "uncooperative".
Probably only because the wife is the one that is right...
Behind every good man is a woman pushing him along...
My sentiments exactly. This poor kid growing up with parents in a loveless marriage isn't likely to learn how to bond, and have healthy relationships. And the couple, who have made a decision to remain chained to each other, has a long haul ahead of them, if they insist on struggling through the rest of their lives in misery together. They're not even 40; they have 40-50 years left to go, tolerating each other. This is a recipe for multiple affairs.
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Two of these men began affairs with their therapist. Talk about betrayal...
