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Matter of fact, last month they told my gf her grandfather in Puerto Rico was very ill, and that she should hurry and come see him. Turns out her 33 yr old brother flew down there and was proposing to his 19 yr old gf (mother of his 2nd child) and it was a family gathering. Havent heard about her grandfather since. Other than my gf being manipulated, how does this effect me?... well that took up a week of her 3 weeks of vacation. 1 other week is already spent going to Peru with her half sister. So theres that. But really, its the manipulation that turns me off.
Wait, so she's spending 2 out of 3 vacation weeks with her family, and how much of that time had you and she planned to get away together?
It's not going to get any better, OP. If anything, it would get worse after marriage. Problems that are persistent during dating and engagement don't just go away in a puff of smoke after the wedding.
If you're not ready to write her off, you could try asking her to go to couples counseling with you to discuss the family issue as it impacts your relationship. This will inevitably turn into a discussion about the need for her to set firm boundaries with her family. How she reacts to that would be indicative of whether or not there's hope for the two of you. She may take it to heart, having some "aha" moments, and do some self-reflection, and make efforts in the right direction, or she might not take well to the idea. It could be an insightful experience for you.
Wait, so she's spending 2 out of 3 vacation weeks with her family, and how much of that time had you and she planned to get away together?
It's not going to get any better, OP. If anything, it would get worse after marriage. Problems that are persistent during dating and engagement don't just go away in a puff of smoke after the wedding.
If you're not ready to write her off, you could try asking her to go to couples counseling with you to discuss the family issue as it impacts your relationship. This will inevitably turn into a discussion about the need for her to set firm boundaries with her family. How she reacts to that would be indicative of whether or not there's hope for the two of you. She may take it to heart, having some "aha" moments, and do some self-reflection, and make efforts in the right direction, or she might not take well to the idea. It could be an insightful experience for you.
We didnt have all our vaca planned together for the year, but ive realized 2 of 3 weeks are already gone with her family. Thats fine by me, its the being told her grandfather is so ill you have to come see him now - when it was really a wedding proposal party for her brother - this makes me sick.
Between BirdieBelle and your advice I think I will ask her what she thinks about going to counseling together. First I'll see if she even will go. And secondly, Ill see her response when the professional inevitably suggests she make boundaries. That will be telling.
If you still want to take a chance & be w/ her (which I don't think I would myself), do the serious talk ASAP, then see how she handles things in the next few mos. You'll be able ton determine how your married life will be in the future.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YellowChipClip
Well its encouraging to hear that somebody else's signficant other put their foot down.
So with my gf, yes she is attached to the dysfunction of her family, but at the same time she loves my small family, and is very respectful to them, so at least its not like she's attached to the dysfunctional people and doesnt like my family. Curious, does your fiance get along with your family? And has he always, even when he didnt put that wall up yet?
My fiance's always gotten along & respected my parents. (Again, I'm an only child.) He's only seen my extended relatives only twice, but when those times came, it was pleasant conversations. I don't see my extended relatives hardly ever myself...we just have our own busy lives. (I talk w/ a certain cousin on a monthly basis though.)
And ever since we've gotten engaged, my mom loves him even more so.
My girlfriend (35) and I (38) have been together almost 3 years. She moved into my home just over 1 year ago. Neither of us have kids/pets or previous marriage.
This will be a long post, but I am really, really in need of advice. I get some advice from friends and family, but I feel non biased input from this community could really be beneficial for me. Thank you in advance.
We dont ever argue, we get along well, we trust eachother with our hearts. Everything is pretty good, except for her large, extremely attached, dysfunctional family. I come from a small, slightly conservative family, just a "normal American" family. Shes from Puerto Rico and has a very large, needy, codependent, poor, dysfunctional family. I will go into real experiences below:
The parents live in Puerto Rico. Both in their early 50's, neither of them have worked in several years. They collect government checks and often ask my gf for financial assistance. The father was physically abusive to my gf when she was a child. He was also very physically abusive to her mother (and I believe still is). Her father cheated on her mother many years ago and as a result my gf has a half sister to go along with her younger brother and sister. Her mother was not allowed to work, drive, or have friends, and still doesnt. I obviously have no respect for the parents. Before my gf moved in with me, they stayed with her at her house so often that my gf was literally able to claim them as dependents.
The father did not want my gf to go with me to NJ to visit some of my family our first summer together, so he faked health issues and went to the hospital the night before. He was not successful, but he made the trip a downer. The mother and father have done this many times. They dont pay their medical bills either. The mother and father argue a lot, so my gf's mother goes to my gf for support constantly. The roles are reversed, she is not a mother to my gf, instead my gf plays mom.
This is a very, very small background on the parents. Her brother and sister are almost as bad. The sister lives about 2 hrs away. Her brother, whom recently moved for the 4th time in less than 3 years is now located in Ohio.
Her sister is married with 2 small kids. The sister literally has ZERO friends and completely leans on my gf. The sister recently moved into their 3rd home in less than 3 years. The previous 2 homes were infested with roaches while Ive often witnessed the kids eat off the floor, ive watched them eat off the floor in restaurants too. The 4 year old is starting pre - K and doesnt speak a word on English. It would be shocking if my gf and her sister were able to go 4 hrs without talking (not counting sleeping). Last Thanksgiving my gf spent the weekend before the holiday at her sister's house. So when Thanksgiving rolled around, my gf said she had no plans to go back over there so soon, so my gf and I went to my parents house for dinner and spent maybe 4 hrs there. While at my parents house, the texts starting coming in - her sister went to the hospital for a headache, so of course we had to leave and make the drive.
The brother is in his early 30's, has lived in the states for over 5 years, barely speaks English, drives a bmw, but cant afford his electric bill. Before the brother found his underage gf, he would spend every weekend at my gf's house, and if he wasnt there, he'd be calling 5 - 10 times per day. He'd also sleep in the same bed as my gf when they didnt need to.
This is all a very, very, brief snapshot into this family. I could easily write for hours and hours of details and experiences. They're absolutely toxic. But here is what it all comes down to....
- Every man in my gf's immediate family has multiple children with other women (father, brother, brother-in-law etc).
- Her parents are lazy, manipulative, mooches and cant take care of themselves even in their early 50's.
- The father is a sorry excuse for a human and I have zero respect for him. I dont respect her mother either for tolerating the abuse and dragging her kids through it.
- Her creepy brother and her sister are almost just as needy as the parents.
The family is sooo dysfunctional. Since living together, none of her family has been over ever. The parents just stay at their other daughters home now when they "visit" for months at a time. Its not that theyre forbidden here, its bc there is no space (small condo), they have no wheels when visiting the sisters house (the mother doesnt even know how to drive). So things have been tolerable until now.
My girlfriend is extremely attached at the hip with all of her dysfunctional family. They all manipulate her, cry on her shoulder etc. Now, she has done a good job at keeping me away from them. I only had to put up with them a few times last year, went to her sisters house for Thanksgiving and Xmas eve for example. My gf knows my thoughts on her family, ive been very clear on it from very early on.
* Also want to make clear here, that I love my gf and I know she loves me. Shes damn near perfect in my eyes aside from her dysfunctional family and how closely she interacts with all of them.
So here is where I finally need help. Im 38, shes 35. We'd like to be married, buy a house together, have a kid or two. But, I have been stalling and slowly backing off as I fear a life with her family. Once we have a big house and kids, hows it going to be??!! Im scared sh**less!
Currently for the last 2 weeks we've been on a break (my idea). She is staying at her sisters house and we've texted a few times. The break is bc I need space and want to see if I'll miss her enough to overcome the fears I have of her family/culture - and she knows this and is giving me some space that I need to clear my head and decide what I need to do. Ive been 100% transparent with her.
I dont feel like "love" is the only thing needed to build a happy, strong marriage/family on. We have the love part down, but mentally/emotionally/financially I'm just not sure if she can hold up on her end, due to her family.
I dont expect nor want her to totally give up her family either.
Heres some questions I have:
Is it reasonable to get answers from her now about how often her parents can visit and for how long if and when we get that big house?
Do you think I can set boundaries about how often I interact with her family and how often any kids of ours interact with them?
Is it reasonable to expect my gf to make our own familys needs and wants priority over her codependent, abusive family?
Will/ can she ever change in regards to how much bulls**t she allows herself to deal with her family?
I'm soooo damn affraid of getting married, buying a house, having children, and then get divorced bc her manipulative parents are sleeping under our roof for months at a time. Or we have trouble paying a mortgage bc she is helping her sister pay hers etc etc.
If her familys ways slip in under my own household or influence any children of mine in a bad way, I won't stand for it, it will end in divorce.
I know I wrote a lot, but as I said I can keep going on and on. In a nutshell, i love the woman with all my heart, but her family is extremely toxic! Any advice will help. Please and thank you!
Just my opinion since you asked.
IMO, if your GF sends her money to help dysfunctional deadbeat relatives often this will affect YOU, which it already has, and it will creep into YOUR finances.
Don't ever end up spending more of your money because of HER families' selfishness and dysfunction.
It's NOT your GF's fault, but I would be hesitant to Marry her unless she says NO to all of their requests and counseling problems.
And NO $$$$$ assistance.
I've witnessed it before from others. I live in Asia.
The thing is your girlfriend has to want to set those boundaries up. It does sound like your gf has serious codependency issues too, it is very hard to rewire your brain to think differently after many years of being wired in one way.
I’m an only child but grew up with a toxic mom and my in laws while sweet people, have no sense of boundaries. I keep very limited contact with my mom and in laws to a strict set of boundaries. Things all come to a head when we had our oldest kid 8 years ago, which I knew would happen cuz they really thought they could manipulate us by way of their grandkids.
I only see mom once or twice a year. That’s it. Your gf need to be the one going to individual therapy to learn how to effectively manage her family so they don’t consume her and any eventual partners she may have.
Keeping you away from her crazy family isn't the most ideal way to handle the situation anyway. All that does is prolong the inevitable.
Once you do have kids, they will insert themselves into your lives even more so because OMG GRANDCHILDREN. And if she has had counseling and isn't able to manage the situation now, she won't be able to as a new mom. The stress will be too much.
Did you go to counseling as well? Your attitude about this really sucks, to be frank.
It doesn't sound like love at all. It sounds like contempt, which over time becomes resentment, which over time becomes outright anger.
Have you been to counseling as well? Given your ages, you two can't afford to play games. You aren't 25 anymore.
Yes, it was a mistake to move her in just because her lease was up. But if you actually think you could see a future with her, you need to stop hating her family. Your prejudices are barely concealed. You can't avoid them your whole life, but you could learn some techniques to help her manage them.
That's why I say it doesn't read like love from here. It's like you are holding yourself above this situation, and you want her to prove that you won't be bothered by her crazy family, who, as dysfunctional as they may be, she does apparently love.
She's caught impossibly in the middle, and instead of supporting her, you are acting like a disapproving parent yourself, grounding her and doling out penance for her to get back into your good graces.
IMO, the OP's attitude does NOT suck.
At all.
I've witnessed from others, not myself.
This behavior by family continues and
Gets WORSE after marriage and children
Because with children, there much less of a way out
For him.
Note the cultural difference.
In Latin America you MARRY the FAMILY and
In some East Asian countries, it's the same.
This behavior by family continues and
Gets WORSE after marriage and children
Because with children, there much less of a way out
For him.
Note the cultural difference.
In Latin America you MARRY the FAMILY and
In some East Asian countries, it's the same.
I get that, and I acknowledged it in my post.
But he already can't stand her family, and it shows. His resentment also is affecting the way he deals with his girlfriend, which HE already admitted.
He's not ready to marry her. Their relationship, family issues notwithstanding, is already on shaky ground because they took the step of moving in together before they were really ready. They already have a parent-child dynamic instead of an adult-adult dynamic, which is not healthy in a romantic relationship.
He knows his attitude sucks, but he wants to change it. That's the only good news in this pretty much hopeless situation.
A poster noted he mentioned language
Differences /issues twice in one post.
Yes, the language barrier matters - in a relationship
Such as this and with her family.
With language barriers, there is often ignorance,
Misunderstandings, and even suspicion about
What is said at times - with a family like hers.
Americans don't understand this.
Yes, the language barrier with dysfunctional
Situations is huge.
Disrespect is obvious in any language. Translation is not the issue here, and Americans don't need to speak a certain language to know when their loved ones are being taken advantage of.
The OP has named them dysfunctional, and that may or may nor be the case. Some of it may just be "the Puerto Rican way."
To that end, as I've already said, he's probably trying to make her into someone she is not. That won't work in the short or long term.
Disrespect is obvious in any language. Translation is not the issue here, and Americans don't need to speak a certain language to know when their loved ones are being taken advantage of.
The OP has named them dysfunctional, and that may or may nor be the case. Some of it may just be "the Puerto Rican way."
To that end, as I've already said, he's probably trying to make her into someone she is not. That won't work in the short or long term.
Disrespect yes, but the details, no.
There are details that cannot be translated.
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