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My girlfriend (35) and I (38) have been together almost 3 years. She moved into my home just over 1 year ago. Neither of us have kids/pets or previous marriage.
This will be a long post, but I am really, really in need of advice. I get some advice from friends and family, but I feel non biased input from this community could really be beneficial for me. Thank you in advance.
We dont ever argue, we get along well, we trust eachother with our hearts. Everything is pretty good, except for her large, extremely attached, dysfunctional family. I come from a small, slightly conservative family, just a "normal American" family. Shes from Puerto Rico and has a very large, needy, codependent, poor, dysfunctional family. I will go into real experiences below:
The parents live in Puerto Rico. Both in their early 50's, neither of them have worked in several years. They collect government checks and often ask my gf for financial assistance. The father was physically abusive to my gf when she was a child. He was also very physically abusive to her mother (and I believe still is). Her father cheated on her mother many years ago and as a result my gf has a half sister to go along with her younger brother and sister. Her mother was not allowed to work, drive, or have friends, and still doesnt. I obviously have no respect for the parents. Before my gf moved in with me, they stayed with her at her house so often that my gf was literally able to claim them as dependents.
The father did not want my gf to go with me to NJ to visit some of my family our first summer together, so he faked health issues and went to the hospital the night before. He was not successful, but he made the trip a downer. The mother and father have done this many times. They dont pay their medical bills either. The mother and father argue a lot, so my gf's mother goes to my gf for support constantly. The roles are reversed, she is not a mother to my gf, instead my gf plays mom.
This is a very, very small background on the parents. Her brother and sister are almost as bad. The sister lives about 2 hrs away. Her brother, whom recently moved for the 4th time in less than 3 years is now located in Ohio.
Her sister is married with 2 small kids. The sister literally has ZERO friends and completely leans on my gf. The sister recently moved into their 3rd home in less than 3 years. The previous 2 homes were infested with roaches while Ive often witnessed the kids eat off the floor, ive watched them eat off the floor in restaurants too. The 4 year old is starting pre - K and doesnt speak a word on English. It would be shocking if my gf and her sister were able to go 4 hrs without talking (not counting sleeping). Last Thanksgiving my gf spent the weekend before the holiday at her sister's house. So when Thanksgiving rolled around, my gf said she had no plans to go back over there so soon, so my gf and I went to my parents house for dinner and spent maybe 4 hrs there. While at my parents house, the texts starting coming in - her sister went to the hospital for a headache, so of course we had to leave and make the drive.
The brother is in his early 30's, has lived in the states for over 5 years, barely speaks English, drives a bmw, but cant afford his electric bill. Before the brother found his underage gf, he would spend every weekend at my gf's house, and if he wasnt there, he'd be calling 5 - 10 times per day. He'd also sleep in the same bed as my gf when they didnt need to.
This is all a very, very, brief snapshot into this family. I could easily write for hours and hours of details and experiences. They're absolutely toxic. But here is what it all comes down to....
- Every man in my gf's immediate family has multiple children with other women (father, brother, brother-in-law etc).
- Her parents are lazy, manipulative, mooches and cant take care of themselves even in their early 50's.
- The father is a sorry excuse for a human and I have zero respect for him. I dont respect her mother either for tolerating the abuse and dragging her kids through it.
- Her creepy brother and her sister are almost just as needy as the parents.
The family is sooo dysfunctional. Since living together, none of her family has been over ever. The parents just stay at their other daughters home now when they "visit" for months at a time. Its not that theyre forbidden here, its bc there is no space (small condo), they have no wheels when visiting the sisters house (the mother doesnt even know how to drive). So things have been tolerable until now.
My girlfriend is extremely attached at the hip with all of her dysfunctional family. They all manipulate her, cry on her shoulder etc. Now, she has done a good job at keeping me away from them. I only had to put up with them a few times last year, went to her sisters house for Thanksgiving and Xmas eve for example. My gf knows my thoughts on her family, ive been very clear on it from very early on.
* Also want to make clear here, that I love my gf and I know she loves me. Shes damn near perfect in my eyes aside from her dysfunctional family and how closely she interacts with all of them.
So here is where I finally need help. Im 38, shes 35. We'd like to be married, buy a house together, have a kid or two. But, I have been stalling and slowly backing off as I fear a life with her family. Once we have a big house and kids, hows it going to be??!! Im scared sh**less!
Currently for the last 2 weeks we've been on a break (my idea). She is staying at her sisters house and we've texted a few times. The break is bc I need space and want to see if I'll miss her enough to overcome the fears I have of her family/culture - and she knows this and is giving me some space that I need to clear my head and decide what I need to do. Ive been 100% transparent with her.
I dont feel like "love" is the only thing needed to build a happy, strong marriage/family on. We have the love part down, but mentally/emotionally/financially I'm just not sure if she can hold up on her end, due to her family.
I dont expect nor want her to totally give up her family either.
Heres some questions I have:
Is it reasonable to get answers from her now about how often her parents can visit and for how long if and when we get that big house?
Do you think I can set boundaries about how often I interact with her family and how often any kids of ours interact with them?
Is it reasonable to expect my gf to make our own familys needs and wants priority over her codependent, abusive family?
Will/ can she ever change in regards to how much bulls**t she allows herself to deal with her family?
I'm soooo damn affraid of getting married, buying a house, having children, and then get divorced bc her manipulative parents are sleeping under our roof for months at a time. Or we have trouble paying a mortgage bc she is helping her sister pay hers etc etc.
If her familys ways slip in under my own household or influence any children of mine in a bad way, I won't stand for it, it will end in divorce.
I know I wrote a lot, but as I said I can keep going on and on. In a nutshell, i love the woman with all my heart, but her family is extremely toxic! Any advice will help. Please and thank you!
I'll get the snarky out the way, and say it's not your concern about her family's language of choice, you felt need to mention it twice.
You also have known her and her family for 3 years. If you didn't like the dynamic, why move together? I know I couldn't be with someone who tried to make me feel ashamed of my family. She seems to be the rock they need. Again, something you've known for years, presumably.
My girlfriend (35) and I (38) have been together almost 3 years. She moved into my home just over 1 year ago. Neither of us have kids/pets or previous marriage.
This will be a long post, but I am really, really in need of advice. I get some advice from friends and family, but I feel non biased input from this community could really be beneficial for me. Thank you in advance.
We dont ever argue, we get along well, we trust eachother with our hearts. Everything is pretty good, except for her large, extremely attached, dysfunctional family. I come from a small, slightly conservative family, just a "normal American" family. Shes from Puerto Rico and has a very large, needy, codependent, poor, dysfunctional family. I will go into real experiences below:
The parents live in Puerto Rico. Both in their early 50's, neither of them have worked in several years. They collect government checks and often ask my gf for financial assistance. The father was physically abusive to my gf when she was a child. He was also very physically abusive to her mother (and I believe still is). Her father cheated on her mother many years ago and as a result my gf has a half sister to go along with her younger brother and sister. Her mother was not allowed to work, drive, or have friends, and still doesnt. I obviously have no respect for the parents. Before my gf moved in with me, they stayed with her at her house so often that my gf was literally able to claim them as dependents.
The father did not want my gf to go with me to NJ to visit some of my family our first summer together, so he faked health issues and went to the hospital the night before. He was not successful, but he made the trip a downer. The mother and father have done this many times. They dont pay their medical bills either. The mother and father argue a lot, so my gf's mother goes to my gf for support constantly. The roles are reversed, she is not a mother to my gf, instead my gf plays mom.
This is a very, very small background on the parents. Her brother and sister are almost as bad. The sister lives about 2 hrs away. Her brother, whom recently moved for the 4th time in less than 3 years is now located in Ohio.
Her sister is married with 2 small kids. The sister literally has ZERO friends and completely leans on my gf. The sister recently moved into their 3rd home in less than 3 years. The previous 2 homes were infested with roaches while Ive often witnessed the kids eat off the floor, ive watched them eat off the floor in restaurants too. The 4 year old is starting pre - K and doesnt speak a word on English. It would be shocking if my gf and her sister were able to go 4 hrs without talking (not counting sleeping). Last Thanksgiving my gf spent the weekend before the holiday at her sister's house. So when Thanksgiving rolled around, my gf said she had no plans to go back over there so soon, so my gf and I went to my parents house for dinner and spent maybe 4 hrs there. While at my parents house, the texts starting coming in - her sister went to the hospital for a headache, so of course we had to leave and make the drive.
The brother is in his early 30's, has lived in the states for over 5 years, barely speaks English, drives a bmw, but cant afford his electric bill. Before the brother found his underage gf, he would spend every weekend at my gf's house, and if he wasnt there, he'd be calling 5 - 10 times per day. He'd also sleep in the same bed as my gf when they didnt need to.
This is all a very, very, brief snapshot into this family. I could easily write for hours and hours of details and experiences. They're absolutely toxic. But here is what it all comes down to....
- Every man in my gf's immediate family has multiple children with other women (father, brother, brother-in-law etc).
- Her parents are lazy, manipulative, mooches and cant take care of themselves even in their early 50's.
- The father is a sorry excuse for a human and I have zero respect for him. I dont respect her mother either for tolerating the abuse and dragging her kids through it.
- Her creepy brother and her sister are almost just as needy as the parents.
The family is sooo dysfunctional. Since living together, none of her family has been over ever. The parents just stay at their other daughters home now when they "visit" for months at a time. Its not that theyre forbidden here, its bc there is no space (small condo), they have no wheels when visiting the sisters house (the mother doesnt even know how to drive). So things have been tolerable until now.
My girlfriend is extremely attached at the hip with all of her dysfunctional family. They all manipulate her, cry on her shoulder etc. Now, she has done a good job at keeping me away from them. I only had to put up with them a few times last year, went to her sisters house for Thanksgiving and Xmas eve for example. My gf knows my thoughts on her family, ive been very clear on it from very early on.
* Also want to make clear here, that I love my gf and I know she loves me. Shes damn near perfect in my eyes aside from her dysfunctional family and how closely she interacts with all of them.
So here is where I finally need help. Im 38, shes 35. We'd like to be married, buy a house together, have a kid or two. But, I have been stalling and slowly backing off as I fear a life with her family. Once we have a big house and kids, hows it going to be??!! Im scared sh**less!
Currently for the last 2 weeks we've been on a break (my idea). She is staying at her sisters house and we've texted a few times. The break is bc I need space and want to see if I'll miss her enough to overcome the fears I have of her family/culture - and she knows this and is giving me some space that I need to clear my head and decide what I need to do. Ive been 100% transparent with her.
I dont feel like "love" is the only thing needed to build a happy, strong marriage/family on. We have the love part down, but mentally/emotionally/financially I'm just not sure if she can hold up on her end, due to her family.
I dont expect nor want her to totally give up her family either.
Heres some questions I have:
Is it reasonable to get answers from her now about how often her parents can visit and for how long if and when we get that big house?
Do you think I can set boundaries about how often I interact with her family and how often any kids of ours interact with them?
Is it reasonable to expect my gf to make our own familys needs and wants priority over her codependent, abusive family?
Will/ can she ever change in regards to how much bulls**t she allows herself to deal with her family?
I'm soooo damn affraid of getting married, buying a house, having children, and then get divorced bc her manipulative parents are sleeping under our roof for months at a time. Or we have trouble paying a mortgage bc she is helping her sister pay hers etc etc.
If her familys ways slip in under my own household or influence any children of mine in a bad way, I won't stand for it, it will end in divorce.
I know I wrote a lot, but as I said I can keep going on and on. In a nutshell, i love the woman with all my heart, but her family is extremely toxic! Any advice will help. Please and thank you!
Did you actually tell her you wanted the break to see if you missed her enough??
Regardless, it sounds like you're putting off the inevitable breakup because deep down you know the answer.
I'll just tell you this ... YOU won't be able to set any worthwhile boundaries. The only boundary you will draw will be between you and her because she has to be the one to set boundaries with her family, and that takes training (i.e. counseling).
Family of origin problems are the hardest to overcome because they basically are part of what make us who we are.
Does your girlfriend WANT to change things? Does she understand what it would really take to make an effective change?
You also have known her and her family for 3 years. If you didn't like the dynamic, why move together? I know I couldn't be with someone who tried to make me feel ashamed of my family. She seems to be the rock they need. Again, something you've known for years, presumably.
Well, I thought about breaking things off before she moved in with me last year. I own my condo, and her lease was up, so it didnt inconvenience either of us much. I also hoped to progress bc I do love her. At the time I said this may just work out, shes keeping her fam away from me much as possible and shes not too upset that i dont partake in most of their get togethers. But as time has gone on... I want a family and Im thinking to myself, "things are good now, but what about when we have kids and a big house?!" .... and here I am now smh.
Did you actually tell her you wanted the break to see if you missed her enough??
Regardless, it sounds like you're putting off the inevitable breakup because deep down you know the answer.
I'll just tell you this ... YOU won't be able to set any worthwhile boundaries. The only boundary you will draw will be between you and her because she has to be the one to set boundaries with her family, and that takes training (i.e. counseling).
Family of origin problems are the hardest to overcome because they basically are part of what make us who we are.
Does your girlfriend WANT to change things? Does she understand what it would really take to make an effective change?
I think your gut is telling you no.
I did tell her that as well as expressing my concerns of her family.
She has been to counseling multiple times well before we even met. As well as last year - she kindly told her father he has to buy his own plane ticket, he then totally ignores her for about 2 months. She wants to change, she acknowledges that her fam is crazy, but I dont think she realizes all the complications we could face in the future if things dont change at least a bit.
LOL sorry I don't mean to laugh but, if you have kids with her, then your kids are going to come out jacked up too. It's in the bloodlines. Something tells me that since you've let things reach this point, you probably have some issues too. Like the old saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.
I did tell her that as well as expressing my concerns of her family.
She has been to counseling multiple times well before we even met. As well as last year - she kindly told her father he has to buy his own plane ticket, he then totally ignores her for about 2 months. She wants to change, she acknowledges that her fam is crazy, but I dont think she realizes all the complications we could face in the future if things dont change at least a bit.
Keeping you away from her crazy family isn't the most ideal way to handle the situation anyway. All that does is prolong the inevitable.
Once you do have kids, they will insert themselves into your lives even more so because OMG GRANDCHILDREN. And if she has had counseling and isn't able to manage the situation now, she won't be able to as a new mom. The stress will be too much.
Did you go to counseling as well? Your attitude about this really sucks, to be frank.
It doesn't sound like love at all. It sounds like contempt, which over time becomes resentment, which over time becomes outright anger.
Have you been to counseling as well? Given your ages, you two can't afford to play games. You aren't 25 anymore.
Yes, it was a mistake to move her in just because her lease was up. But if you actually think you could see a future with her, you need to stop hating her family. Your prejudices are barely concealed. You can't avoid them your whole life, but you could learn some techniques to help her manage them.
That's why I say it doesn't read like love from here. It's like you are holding yourself above this situation, and you want her to prove that you won't be bothered by her crazy family, who, as dysfunctional as they may be, she does apparently love.
She's caught impossibly in the middle, and instead of supporting her, you are acting like a disapproving parent yourself, grounding her and doling out penance for her to get back into your good graces.
I'm an only child w/ a small amount of extended family, but my fiance' is 1 of 6 in his immediate fam & they're all dysfunctional, cold-hearted, insincere, not nice, as well as narcissists. His siblings' spouses aren't great either...no surprise that they married them...they're all the same type. He's the black sheep of the family but in a GREAT way because they're all a mess & I can write a book on the horrendous things they've done too.
The HUGE & FABULOUS difference here between your situation & mine is that my fiance' has become fed up w/ them all & has recently decided to go no-contact w/ them all (even his own mother) so, fortunately, I don't have to worry about ever seeing them again, thank God! They sure won't be invited to our wedding, not that they care...if they were present, they'd definitely make our wedding the ___ Family party & ignore us even though we're the ones getting married. I'm serious.
My fiance' stopped going to his family get-togethers about 2 yrs ago & I stopped going w/ him about several yrs ago, but I only went a handful of times in general altogether.
Too bad your GF doesn't change to very limited (or no) contact w/ her family. The fact that you said she's EXTREMELY attached at the hip w/ them all would be so frustrating to me & that would be pretty much impossible for me to handle continue dating her if it were me.
Since you live together now, she'll have to respect your wants & opinions too. If she truly loves you & is serious w/ you & wants a life w/ you, meaning marriage one day, she'll have to consider you & distance herself w/ from her horrendous family. When you take those marriage vows, the part that says "...forsaking ALL others..." means that YOU, her new husband must be the priority in her life. No longer her parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, or whoever else. Have that serious talk w/ her, get that understanding from her that things will be a certain way. Make everything very clear.But she MUST be a strong person who can put her foot down w/ her parents & not waiver or be wishy-washy. Is she able to do that if she can live by what you want?
Last edited by Forever Blue; 05-12-2019 at 06:36 PM..
LOL sorry I don't mean to laugh but, if you have kids with her, then your kids are going to come out jacked up too. It's in the bloodlines. Something tells me that since you've let things reach this point, you probably have some issues too. Like the old saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.
If I were in your situation, I would walk away.
Thanks for your input. One thing though, i have no issues at all like the things I posted about. If even a part of me thought the family was A-ok, I wouldn't have spent an hour starting this thread. I dont flock with those birds, believe that.
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