Bored, Lonely, Frustrated Wife On Verge . . .

[chiaroscuro]

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

I'm the OP.

I will provide a bit of an update. I think things are going relatively well, communication-wise. We are spending more time together, but I am really getting fatigued with our between-the-sheets life. He seems to be suffering from premature ejaculation, and I end up frustrated with the outcome, so now I just don't even feel like trying to be intimate.

I have searched for solutions; being the initiator; new techniques, etc. It's just not working in that department right now.

There are a bazillion articles online about married couples dealing with premature ejaculation. Why don't you just have him 'finish you' with his hands and face first, and then he can spend his two minutes or whatever afterwards? If you're the tortoise and he is the hare, you need a bit of a head start it seems. Plus, based on your attitude (which is your right to have, but is certainly not helping the situation), he probably understands exactly what is going on, but doesn't really know how to change it.

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

We still don't do anything, go anywhere, talk about anything of consequence on a personal level. We have spent, maybe, two hours alone this year so far. I no longer try to arrange for babysitting or plan anything for us to do. That has always fallen in my court and, frankly, I am fatigued of the entire arrangement. Our weekends consists of chores and errands. I have grown less communicative, almost it seems involuntarily; it is as though I am shutting down - closing myself off from him.

The last time he tried to have sex with me, I felt sick. I just wanted him to leave me alone. We spent this weekend doing nothing. We eat meals in silence now, speaking only to the kids.

I have started thinking about having sex with someone else. My mind wanders, thinking what else could be out there for me. I think, well, I am still relatively young (30), attractive, somewhat accomplished, smart, likeable ... how can I spend the rest of my projected life span like this?

This is where you were a couple months ago. Now, it seems, you have made good progress because you are both actually having sex and spending time alone. So NOW, he is not 100% giving it his all, and he is c**ming too soon. Baby steps Don't jump ship yet, wait until you have lost hope completely before you seek out that young stud to have a fling with.

[jmfnme]

You are not going to have a swinging single lifestyle if you leave your husband. You will be a divorced mother, and if you think your life is all work, and no play now, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise. It is waaay to easy to buy into the divorce culture and think things are greener on the other side of the fence. You now have kids and they come first, and I think you are being selfish and don't realize it. You will regret the path you are going down.

[#Littledog]

Originally Posted by nebulous1

Life is hard.
And being attractive, you won't always find what you want out there. Yeah, there is sex, if you want just that, but finding someone who cares about you is a whole other thing.
Sex is important, believe me, because when you don't have it...but I am not one who can just have sex on a cold plate.
I find the women who have someone who cares about them are very critical of them. There are a lot of us out there would love to have a friend, a partner, someone who cares for us and desires to have sex with us (not every orifice that walks by).
I think a lot of times, women listen to other women, and feel their guy isn't measuring up, because there is always that one woman who has that perfect husband, or so she claims.
It is important to make sure one has worked on themselves before leaving, so you have no regrets.
There is no perfection. And if you're working and going to school, it's a rough road.
You won't like me saying this, but become a simple person. Simplify your life. What are the real priorities? Chasing after more degrees and promotions, or perhaps having more time with the kids and husband while they are young?
Jobs will always be there. And we don't necessarily get ahead with more education, believe me.
Do we really need the huge home, the fancy furniture, the extra this and that? I am not successful yet, but I met a man who simplified his life. He said he became a simple person, because the 3 people ahead of him at work all died of heart attacks. He changed professions, makes less, but has more freedom and a better life. He works hard, and has even taken a trip to Europe, so he must not be doing poorly.
But he told me, "Become a simple person and change your life." Getting rid of things I don't need, not being trapped by all the things society puts on us and tells us we need.
If you divorce with children, your life will be much harder, and more complicated.
Simplify as much as you can.

I love this post! Everything you said is so true. I've worked in a hospital for years and I have seen thousands of people literally on their death beds. I never heard anyone say, "I wish I worked more" or "I wish I had more material possessions". Mostly the people who are happy and peaceful with their life reflect on their cherished relationships, hobbies, travels. To the OP, simplify your life....only you know what that means (i.e., what things in your life are distracting you from happiness, your relationship with your spouse and children, zapping your energy)....

[goodnewsforyou]

wise advice! your husband would be horrified at what he finds here.

Originally Posted by AuburnJack

Get counseling.

Get. Counseling.

GET COUNSELING.

It's been repeated ad nauseam, but you seem to be consciously avoiding this potential solution.

I don't mean to belittle your pain and frustration, because I've been there and know exactly how you feel (even though I'm a guy). However, it is also plainly evident that nothing he is doing is making you happier. Seriously, if I were in his position (and I have been), I would be completely frustrated, too, because my best efforts are being met with verbal assurances that everything is great that stand in stark contrast to your obvious continued unhappiness.

And pay no heed to the misguided advice of "doing him more will make it better." Yes, we need sex to feel appreciated and loved... that is spot on. Sex is an integral part of emotional intimacy for men. However, we are not stupid. Giving us more sex so that we try harder for you just makes us feel manipulated (and thus, less likely to give a crap about your needs) if, at the end of the day, nothing in the relationship has changed. And no man wants be made to feel like sex with him has become an obligation, to be tolerated instead of anticipated.

GET. COUNSELING. Or start talking about custody of your children. Because you are very conspicuously finding fault in him no matter what he does, which means you both need therapy to get through it.... if you're harboring resentment and disappointment, you can be assured that he is too.

[CountryLuvinWoman1]

It's sad what you are going through but rest assured honey you aren't alone. My advice to you would be focus on the good that he does do and try to work on what he doesn't. Men want to give us all those things beleive it or not..they just tend to think that doing what needs be done is the exact same as what u feel needs done. Am I making sense? In other words..a man is a provider..it is their job to take care of us in their minds..they do this cause they love us..they don't always think of the simple things so it's up to us to make them think of the simple things. I wouldn't give up. I can tell you from experience..u may end up happier but your kids wont..and your kids have got to come first. If he is a good dad and it sounds like he is good to you just needs to work on the romance part. I would seek help..not leave and I def wouldn't cheat. Cheating makes all sympathy for you go out the door cause you are dead wrong if you do that.

[JeepGirl118]

The OP has not posted since May. Whoever dragged this up, it's an old thread.

[Heaveno]

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

Maybe, but I'm not willing to be his human c*m rag for this to occur.

How could you ever be his human c*m rag when you are his wife? It is obvious from this statement that couseling is definitely warranted for you firstly.

[1sadlady]

I can tell you now, this "I'm tired of doing it all, it's his turn to make all the moves for a while" is not going to work either. Been there, done that. If you are not working TOGETHER, AT THE SAME TIME, IN THE SAME DIRECTION, you are doomed to fail before even starting.
My husband won't/doesn't/can't emotionally participate in our marriage. He hasn't for about 3 1/2 yrs. He has severe PTSD, severe anxiety disorder, depression. We do counseling, he does counseling, I do counseling. You BOTH have to want to try, and if you truly love each other you will put in the time and effort required to do whatever it takes to get your marriage back on track. After all the time I have lost with my husband I haven't stopped loving him or trying to make things work. I too am lonely, frustrated, neglected, I could go on and on. But in my case it is due to my husbands sickness. In your case it is much simpler...you both just have to be willing to put each other first. The rest will fall into place. Best wishes!

[SoulFinder]

Hi there,

I read your post and I felt I needed to reply to your message. As I was reading down and read someone else's comment. "The grass isn't always greener." My mother has been telling me this forever as I am almost in the same boat as you. I am almost 30 and have been married for 5 1/2 years and have also been with my husband for 10 years. I do not have children as I am scared to death of what it will do to our marriage. I am a teacher and work full time and the thought of a child freaks me out as I am always stressed out with my job and to come home to a child would be the worst thing I can think of. I am feeling the same way as you...bored and my needs aren't being met. How can we keep living this existance? It makes me so sad that this is all there is?!