Bored, Lonely, Frustrated Wife On Verge . . . (younger, family, divorced, affair)

[njean]

Wow I thought I was the only one who felt like this But my problem is A gain some weight but my advice to you is try to hang on as i am trying to do myself marriage is not easy if I knew what iknow now i woud rather be single but we cant change our past but we can try to make our future better

[The Man in SATX]

Originally Posted by njean

Wow I thought I was the only one who felt like this But my problem is A gain some weight but my advice to you is try to hang on as i am trying to do myself marriage is not easy if I knew what iknow now i woud rather be single but we cant change our past but we can try to make our future better

Truer words never said.. the past is under the bridge... but heck.. even the future looks blurry at times!! With all of the bombs that blow up around you... One thing though.. cheating on someone will never help in the long run.. it causes more crap.. sure.. it is a minute of pleasure.. for what? A lifetime of crap? Naw dont go there... if you are wanting to do the wild thing.. do it when you are single with no strings attached.. until then.. do what you have to do to keep either the marriage going.. or start the proceedings to end the marriage!

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by chiaroscuro

I just feel, as a man, that sex will always be such an important component... I can't imagine a real relationship without it!

I agree with you, chiaroscuro. I think that many women do not realize the importance to men of the physical aspect of sex since they often focus more on the emotional aspects of the act.

[chiaroscuro]

"....and if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with!"

[furry_playstation]

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

I have started thinking about having sex with someone else. My mind wanders, thinking what else could be out there for me. I think, well, I am still relatively young (30), attractive, somewhat accomplished, smart, likeable ... how can I spend the rest of my projected life span like this?

why would you put your bored, lonely, frustrated self on someone else? you have a partner, work on that relationship. your husband has told you he needs a lover. be that for him. i wonder what his side of the story would be.

i can't fathom anyone, adult or child, being bored. that is not your husband's fault, it's your own. quit depending on externals for your happiness.

[veuvegirl]

You have to start over. Start dating your husband, start 'wooing' him. I have been married to my husband for fourteen years. They haven't all been good, we have struggled, but it has been worth it. I think the reason we are so successful is because we support each other with everything.

I get my girls nights out. This is SO important. You need to go connect with your friends, talk about adult things, get out and BE YOURSELF!! I even do one girls weekend a year.

My hubby goes out with the boys, plays some poker, goes to a game, just to be one of the boys! Hubby gets a boys weekend a year!

We date!! We try to go out at least twice a month, this is so important, time away from the kids, to date each other, remind each other why you fell in love. If you can, get a weekend away from the kids. Reconnect!

And sex...it can get boring after time, spice it up. Play one of his fantasies, roll play, make a date once a week for just sex!!!!

[Wendell Phillips]

Love is too transient to be the basis for any lasting relationship; albeit that true love is based on selflessness, the rarest of all virtues. For the rest of us lesser mortals, love is an emotion, nothing more; and while many would credit it more than its worth, as many have come to grief over it. How much better it would be if lovers could be good friends. A true friend is one for all seasons; one to share life’s joys and sorrows - in good times and in times of trouble - for all time. However, friendship takes work, both in finding it and keeping it. Love is but a passing fancy; friendship lasts. As Dr Goldsmith put it: "Marriage strips love of all its finery; and if friendship does not appear to supply its place, then there is an end of matrimonial felicity." Oliver Goldsmith, "A True History for the Ladies," The British Magazine (July 1760).

[boredmorgan]

you are bored (but busy with responsibilities). There is no cure. An affair will get bored too (but with disastrous consequences).

Just accept life.

[20yrsinBranson]

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

Any advice? I feel like I've been banging my head against the wall for years, with no results. I am really done. I am tired. I am unfulfilled. This relationship is not meeting my needs or expectations.

You need to change your focus.

Get a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it. It doesn't work for everyong, but it might work for you. Point is - it couldn't hurt.

20yrsinBranson

[Aconitum]

Originally Posted by NativelyNashville

Of cheating? Of leaving? Of just accepting things as they are and living a life largely emotionally and physically independent of my husband for the sake of the children?

I'm not exactly sure what I'm on the verge of; it could be none, one or all of the above. I've been married to my husband for nearly five years; we've known each other for 10. We have a four-year-old and a nine-month-old. We both work full-time. I am also in graduate school. We have no major money problems and, from all appearances, things look rather ideal.

However, for years my husband worked second-shift. This left me alone when I came home from work to care for one - then two - children singlehandedly. Over time, this became difficult to negotiate. My life became simply going to work in the morning to do one job, then coming home in the evening to begin my second shift all by myself. It was a cycle that became demoralizing, boring and led to what I perceive as an incredibly unbalanced life.

Well, this persisted for years, as mentioned. Throughout that time, mmy husband and I's relationship began deteriorating. We no longer dated. No dinners. No lunches. Very little time alone, unless I persuaded my parents to babysit and, even then, oftentimes nothing would happen. He'd spend time trying to work on a household project or something, and I would end up reading a book.

I would look at sites like Marriage Builders for tips. I would pull up articles written by marriage and family therapists to see what we could do. I would share this with my husband, we'd talk, agree that certain issues were present, and then fall back into the same monotonous rhythm.

Recently, my husband finally got moved to first shift. I was very excited at first, thinking this would spell the end of the doldrums our marriage has become. I hoped this would decrease the time we spent discussing baby food and diapers and what's for dinner and how much gas costs and did you get the mail and mess like that. But it hasn't.

We still don't do anything, go anywhere, talk about anything of consequence on a personal level. We have spent, maybe, two hours alone this year so far. I no longer try to arrange for babysitting or plan anything for us to do. That has always fallen in my court and, frankly, I am fatigued of the entire arrangement. Our weekends consists of chores and errands. I have grown less communicative, almost it seems involuntarily; it is as though I am shutting down - closing myself off from him.

The last time he tried to have sex with me, I felt sick. I just wanted him to leave me alone. We spent this weekend doing nothing. We eat meals in silence now, speaking only to the kids.

He shared with me that we just need to have sex more frequently, so that we can get back to where we were when we first met. I'm like, yeah right. First of all, the foundation for intimacy does not exist; intimacy cannot be achieved if two people never spend any time alone together and never laugh, have fun, go anywhere, see anybody or do anything. I haven't had an orgasm with him in at least four months.

I have started thinking about having sex with someone else. My mind wanders, thinking what else could be out there for me. I think, well, I am still relatively young (30), attractive, somewhat accomplished, smart, likeable ... how can I spend the rest of my projected life span like this?

Then, on the other hand, I fiercely love my husband, even though I am feeling increasingly less in love with him.

Any advice? I feel like I've been banging my head against the wall for years, with no results. I am really done. I am tired. I am unfulfilled. This relationship is not meeting my needs or expectations.

Marriage counseling, Divorce or a vibrator. Your pick. I'm not trying to be sarcastic or funny, either. I'm serious. I would hope you'd opt for marriage counseling. If you're going to cheat, you may as well get a divorce. Would you want to be married to someone that cheated on you? I wouldn't. As for a vibrator.. At least you'd have some orgasms.

I would also like to mention that I think your post sounds very selfish. It sounds like you never even thought about what you could do for your husband. You only seemed to be focussed on yourself.. How you are so tired, how you are so unfulfilled, how your needs and your expectations are not being met, how everything is left up to you. What about your husband? If that's how you feel, tell him. Tell him you need some help & want to rekindle your relationship.. Tell him you want him to start planning some stuff. Or maybe you could plan something one weekend & he could plan something the next. Maybe you could both get Dr Phil's book & read it together. I would seriously suggest marriage counseling, though... And also for you to stop thinking about yourself so much, because when you start looking for what you can do for others, your problems seem a lot smaller & you become thankful for what you do have, rather than focusing on everything you don't have & everything that's wrong.