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Have you had this fear, or have you been involved with someone who you think has this fear?
I would define it as when someone will only allow another person in so far and then shut's down emotionally as a way to protect oneself. They cut themselves off from feeling true love or a true connectedness with someone due to fear that the other person could hurt them.
I would say I have this fear, yet I'm working on releasing it. What's been your experience?
I have the opposite fear. I have the fear that I will be with someone and they will give themselves to me completely, and then if I don't love them in the same way, it will cut them really deep when I break off the relationship. So if I sense that someone is at all 'clingy' or ready to settle down, I won't have any part of it. Same if someone starts to act more loving and romantic, I will start to shut down emotionally because I want them to do the same, or to follow suit. If they don't I pretty much put a stop to it right then and there. It's not to be mean, it's to spare them the heartache. I won't be ready to settle down for at least another decade, I wouldn't want to rob them of precious time to find their true love.
Yes... I definately have a fear of intimacy! Like you, I am "working on it"... or at least trying to! I don't want to be alone forever... But I also desperately fear being hurt OR hurting another! Where does this truth leave us??
AND LIKE CHIARO, mine also costumes itself in me being the first to leave... All to protect "them" of course! Hate to break the news to ya, chiaro, but I'm pretty sure we're talking about the SAME fear, different TACTICS!
I have the opposite fear. I have the fear that I will be with someone and they will give themselves to me completely, and then if I don't love them in the same way, it will cut them really deep when I break off the relationship. So if I sense that someone is at all 'clingy' or ready to settle down, I won't have any part of it. Same if someone starts to act more loving and romantic, I will start to shut down emotionally because I want them to do the same, or to follow suit. If they don't I pretty much put a stop to it right then and there. It's not to be mean, it's to spare them the heartache. I won't be ready to settle down for at least another decade, I wouldn't want to rob them of precious time to find their true love.
Oh, those sweet, thoughtful, sensitive men... Let's stir the pot first and then I'll tell you how much better off you'd be without me, I'm not good enough for you, you're too good for me, etc. BS... Remember them (not very fondly) from my early to mid 20s. If you really wanna be selfless and good (because the description above is nothing more than a copout disguised as goodness), just don't start anything if you don't wanna do it - as simple as that.
That sounds so manipulative to control another persons feelings. ugh. I hate it when people do that. Just have an open conversation about it. Let the other person come to his or her own conclusions. Plain and simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiaroscuro
I have the opposite fear. I have the fear that I will be with someone and they will give themselves to me completely, and then if I don't love them in the same way, it will cut them really deep when I break off the relationship. So if I sense that someone is at all 'clingy' or ready to settle down, I won't have any part of it. Same if someone starts to act more loving and romantic, I will start to shut down emotionally because I want them to do the same, or to follow suit. If they don't I pretty much put a stop to it right then and there. It's not to be mean, it's to spare them the heartache. I won't be ready to settle down for at least another decade, I wouldn't want to rob them of precious time to find their true love.
It doesn't work that way. You will cut or burn the person deeply if you do that. I've had guys do that to me and spent months in agonizing depression.
The point is to have a conversation about it and set boundaries while respecting the other person. Virtually no pain and only brief disappointment when you set your boundaries and discuss your intimacy problems vs. months of depression because you can't explain and you lead the person on...hmmm which one is better?
Quote:
Originally Posted by felecia
Yes... I definately have a fear of intimacy! Like you, I am "working on it"... or at least trying to! I don't want to be alone forever... But I also desperately fear being hurt OR hurting another! Where does this truth leave us??
AND LIKE CHIARO, mine also costumes itself in me being the first to leave... All to protect "them" of course! Hate to break the news to ya, chiaro, but I'm pretty sure we're talking about the SAME fear, different TACTICS!
A relationship doesn't work that way. Each person keeps his or her own identity. We are adults now, not children. We know when we end and the other person begins.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Freddy
Yes, I know exactly what you mean.
First you give them your heart, and then they take your soul.
Then they start eating your food and wearing your clothes.
And before you know it, they have become you and you have lost yourself.
And you think you are the eggman, and they are the eggmen.
I agree it is immature BS. Don't start anything. If you like or respect the person then stay friends and have an open conversation about it. That way people's feelings probably won't get burnt. Otherwise, you are just being selfish and thinking of yourself not the other. If I cared about the other person I'd ask "How are you feeling about this?" "Are you cool with wanting to be friends"? and "Do you want to talk about this more?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ
Oh, those sweet, thoughtful, sensitive men... Let's stir the pot first and then I'll tell you how much better off you'd be without me, I'm not good enough for you, you're too good for me, etc. BS... Remember them (not very fondly) from my early to mid 20s. If you really wanna be selfless and good (because the description above is nothing more than a copout disguised as goodness), just don't start anything if you don't wanna do it - as simple as that.
Have you had this fear, or have you been involved with someone who you think has this fear?
I would define it as when someone will only allow another person in so far and then shut's down emotionally as a way to protect oneself. They cut themselves off from feeling true love or a true connectedness with someone due to fear that the other person could hurt them.
I would say I have this fear, yet I'm working on releasing it. What's been your experience?
I definetly have this problem. I grew up in a family where the men were abusive, hurtful, controlling and I fear all men at this point. I have made some unwise choices in the men I have been with in the past and it only reinforced my fears.
I haven't been involved with anyone for so long. I met someone the other day, he expressed interest in me and I was drawn to him but I didn't know how to react to someone flirting with me.
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Remember them (not very fondly) from my early to mid 20s. If you really wanna be selfless and good (because the description above is nothing more than a copout disguised as goodness), just don't start anything if you don't wanna do it - as simple as that.
That sounds so manipulative to control another persons feelings. ugh. I hate it when people do that. Just have an open conversation about it. Let the other person come to his or her own conclusions. Plain and simple. 
