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Old 06-30-2019, 05:53 PM
M90 M90 started this thread
 
24 posts, read 5,713 times
Reputation: 22

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I can't believe I can still feel my heart breaking.

I know she has completely moved on, doesn't have a morsel of a feeling left for me, I'm probably not even a blink of an eye thought to her anymore. How is that possible? Somebody she said was so special to her, that she loved so much, that made her smile and laugh like I did, it's like I was never part of her life. After all the happy, amazing times together, how is that possible? To not even miss me, think about me, at all? How could she have seemed so happy when with me, and now seem just as happy or happier without me?

I thought we both felt this undeniable, indescribable connection and chemistry. I thought for sure this meant we were supposed to be together, that nobody could feel this and this not meant to be. The way we were automatically drawn to each other, the way she said she felt something for me the very first time we met, the way she kept coming back to me, the way she looked at me and acted with me, I was so sure she felt the exact same thing. In my mind there was no way I could feel this, and she could be acting the way she was and saying the things she was and this not be right. How could there be somebody else out there that could make her feel and act the way she did with me?

It's been 6 months and I still catch myself saying that I can't believe she broke up with me. The entire time we were together she seemed soo happy and in love with me. She was so affectionate, always cuddling and hanging on me, smiling, giggling, lighting up when I was around. The few days leading up to me meeting her and her family on vacation she was texting me, calling me, facetiming me. Telling me how much she misses me, loves me, couldn't wait for me to get to where they were. She seemed soo happy once I got there. We were having so much fun the first few days. Drinking, dancing, laying around, having amazing sex. Everything seemed perfect. I couldn't wait to start the new year with her. She seemed just as certain that we were going to be together (talked about both our birthdays, valentines day, music festival over the summer) and excited about it as well.
I had no idea anything was even remotely wrong or irritating her, let alone that she was so unhappy that she wanted to break up with me! To break up with somebody you must be so unhappy being with them. That kills me that she was at that level with me. But how could she have been that miserable and me not know at all? Yes she was cold our last 2 days together but that literally started out of nowhere.

She listed off a bunch of reasons she broke up with me, but none of them really made any sense. None of them were things that were insurmountable, that couldn't be discussed, worked on, even just freaking hinted at. Why couldn't she just something like "Hey babe, I feel like we've only been doing what I want to do lately, what do you want to do tonight?" or "Why don't you choose what we get for dinner tonight I feel like I've been deciding a lot lately?" if she felt like I was deferring to her too much. Which I don't even think I really did! Is it that hard to say something to your boyfriend like this? She said she felt partly contained. I have NO idea how. She went and did whatever she wanted, whenever, with whoever. I made sure not to make plans too much with her or too far in advance. Didn't text all damn day long. Even if she felt that way, couldn't she have just said "Babe, I want to spend the weekend with my friends, I feel like we've been spending a lot of time together lately/I feel a little smothered."?

She said she really wanted it to work. If she wanted it to work so badly, why didn't she even ONCE try to say something, ask me something, hint at something.

It just kills me that the last 6 months we could have so many moments, so many experiences, so many dinners, nights out, mornings waking up together. But we've been complete strangers. No more knowing what's going on in each others lives, no more sweet dreams texts, no more mornings of her pulling me in tight telling me she loves me when I kiss her goodbye. It kills me.

I just don't understand what she didn't love about me, about us. What she felt wasn't right between us. How can I still feel like she's the one after everything that's happened. How could she know I'm not the one for her without ever having have tried to work through what was going on in her head.

I've met and been with so many girls. I've never fallen for any of them. Never been happy like this with any of them. I look through all these girls on dating apps, in the streets, and none of them do anything for me like my ex. I don't know how I'm supposed to find this perfect package again. She's beyond beautiful, sexy, cute, adorable. Caring, affectionate, thoughtful, fun, bubbly. I could go on forever.

I just want things to be how they were supposed to be. How we talked about them being. The last 6 months I was supposed to be so happy and so in love. I've been basically nothing but sad and depressed. Why did this have to happen to me? I'm a good person, I do the right thing. I treated her like absolute gold. I took her on awesome dates, we seemed to always have the best time when together, I was there for her when she needed me, I got her cute little gifts just because, I was supportive, caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, encouraging. I thanked the universe for bringing this girl back into my life (it was our second time dating with 6 months in between). I just don't get why none of it was enough.

In my head, since it's not like anything so terrible happened, maybe we could still make it work at some point. She's connected to my social circle by association so it's not like there's no way to ever see her or speak to her again. But I don't know. I don't even want to find anybody else. I still think she's the one, she just needs to grow up, mature a bit, see just how good I was to her compared to what else is out there.

I just miss her so much. I can't believe she's out there without me like it's nothing. I'll never even come close to understanding how somebody that acted/seemed so happy and in love with me could break up with me like this and move on so easily. **** PLEASE COME BACK TO ME.
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Old 06-30-2019, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,141 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82836
So you haven't been seeing your therapist?
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Old 06-30-2019, 07:58 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,509 posts, read 70,430,585 times
Reputation: 76472
Quote:
Originally Posted by M90 View Post
I can't believe I can still feel my heart breaking.

I know she has completely moved on, doesn't have a morsel of a feeling left for me, I'm probably not even a blink of an eye thought to her anymore. How is that possible? Somebody she said was so special to her, that she loved so much, that made her smile and laugh like I did, it's like I was never part of her life. After all the happy, amazing times together, how is that possible? To not even miss me, think about me, at all? How could she have seemed so happy when with me, and now seem just as happy or happier without me?

I thought we both felt this undeniable, indescribable connection and chemistry. I thought for sure this meant we were supposed to be together, that nobody could feel this and this not meant to be. The way we were automatically drawn to each other, the way she said she felt something for me the very first time we met, the way she kept coming back to me, the way she looked at me and acted with me, I was so sure she felt the exact same thing. In my mind there was no way I could feel this, and she could be acting the way she was and saying the things she was and this not be right. How could there be somebody else out there that could make her feel and act the way she did with me?

It's been 6 months and I still catch myself saying that I can't believe she broke up with me. The entire time we were together she seemed soo happy and in love with me. She was so affectionate, always cuddling and hanging on me, smiling, giggling, lighting up when I was around. The few days leading up to me meeting her and her family on vacation she was texting me, calling me, facetiming me. Telling me how much she misses me, loves me, couldn't wait for me to get to where they were. She seemed soo happy once I got there. We were having so much fun the first few days. Drinking, dancing, laying around, having amazing sex. Everything seemed perfect. I couldn't wait to start the new year with her. She seemed just as certain that we were going to be together (talked about both our birthdays, valentines day, music festival over the summer) and excited about it as well.
I had no idea anything was even remotely wrong or irritating her, let alone that she was so unhappy that she wanted to break up with me! To break up with somebody you must be so unhappy being with them. That kills me that she was at that level with me. But how could she have been that miserable and me not know at all? Yes she was cold our last 2 days together but that literally started out of nowhere.

She listed off a bunch of reasons she broke up with me, but none of them really made any sense. None of them were things that were insurmountable, that couldn't be discussed, worked on, even just freaking hinted at. Why couldn't she just something like "Hey babe, I feel like we've only been doing what I want to do lately, what do you want to do tonight?" or "Why don't you choose what we get for dinner tonight I feel like I've been deciding a lot lately?" if she felt like I was deferring to her too much. Which I don't even think I really did! Is it that hard to say something to your boyfriend like this? She said she felt partly contained. I have NO idea how. She went and did whatever she wanted, whenever, with whoever. I made sure not to make plans too much with her or too far in advance. Didn't text all damn day long. Even if she felt that way, couldn't she have just said "Babe, I want to spend the weekend with my friends, I feel like we've been spending a lot of time together lately/I feel a little smothered."?

She said she really wanted it to work. If she wanted it to work so badly, why didn't she even ONCE try to say something, ask me something, hint at something.

It just kills me that the last 6 months we could have so many moments, so many experiences, so many dinners, nights out, mornings waking up together. But we've been complete strangers. No more knowing what's going on in each others lives, no more sweet dreams texts, no more mornings of her pulling me in tight telling me she loves me when I kiss her goodbye. It kills me.

I just don't understand what she didn't love about me, about us. What she felt wasn't right between us. How can I still feel like she's the one after everything that's happened. How could she know I'm not the one for her without ever having have tried to work through what was going on in her head.

I've met and been with so many girls. I've never fallen for any of them. Never been happy like this with any of them. I look through all these girls on dating apps, in the streets, and none of them do anything for me like my ex. I don't know how I'm supposed to find this perfect package again. She's beyond beautiful, sexy, cute, adorable. Caring, affectionate, thoughtful, fun, bubbly. I could go on forever.

I just want things to be how they were supposed to be. How we talked about them being. The last 6 months I was supposed to be so happy and so in love. I've been basically nothing but sad and depressed. Why did this have to happen to me? I'm a good person, I do the right thing. I treated her like absolute gold. I took her on awesome dates, we seemed to always have the best time when together, I was there for her when she needed me, I got her cute little gifts just because, I was supportive, caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, encouraging. I thanked the universe for bringing this girl back into my life (it was our second time dating with 6 months in between). I just don't get why none of it was enough.

In my head, since it's not like anything so terrible happened, maybe we could still make it work at some point. She's connected to my social circle by association so it's not like there's no way to ever see her or speak to her again. But I don't know. I don't even want to find anybody else. I still think she's the one, she just needs to grow up, mature a bit, see just how good I was to her compared to what else is out there.

I just miss her so much. I can't believe she's out there without me like it's nothing. I'll never even come close to understanding how somebody that acted/seemed so happy and in love with me could break up with me like this and move on so easily. **** PLEASE COME BACK TO ME.
OP, you're still glossing over the fact that she had a flakey side, she ran off, as I recall, and was with some other guy, then came back. Even though she was saying all the right things to you the second time around, she wasn't mature enough to communicate to you that she was unhappy with certain things, and was drawing the conclusion that the two of you aren't a good fit because of those things. They may have been trivial, but in her mind, they weren't. That should tell you something about her. You say, she just needs to mature a bit. But the fact is, she's not the mature person you want her to be. You're telling yourself, she'd be perfect if only she could mature a bit. Well, she's not gong to anytime soon. "She'd be perfect IF..." is not something to base a relationship on, or a dream on.

Instead of obsessing about all the sweet things she did and said, start telling yourself, she wasn't mature enough, still isn't mature enough, and really, she did some pretty low-down things, too. Do not excuse away that side of the picture. It's a key component. THE key component to why it didn't work out.

For all you know, she could have some kind of mental illness or a personality disorder, that leads her to be flaky the way she was with you, even to the point of saying all the right things, then suddenly changing on you. That part of her isn't going to change. Jekyll/Hyde. She's not stable. You need to face these facts.

The longer you keep idealizing her in your memory, the longer it will take you to get over her. You need to get real about her with yourself. Start telling yourself that it wasn't real, she wasn't capable of being real with you, and she's not capable of being the person you need her to be.

So sorry this happened to you, OP, but you're prolonging the pain by idealizing her, and downplaying the negatives.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-30-2019 at 08:18 PM..
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Old 06-30-2019, 09:50 PM
 
5,111 posts, read 2,309,561 times
Reputation: 14673
Look, it happens.


I had a girlfriend break up with me 34 years ago. Although I have now been happily married for 30 years, although I clearly recognize that my wife is far better matched to me than the woman who left me all those years ago, yet still I have dreams about the old girlfriend and imagine what if I could hook back up with her. These are only dreams. I know that.


I guess what I'm saying is that anyone you get close to is a part of you, in some way, forever, even though you KNOW that the relationship is over.


Just give it some time. You will be surprised when you find that you can have a relationship with someone new.
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Old 06-30-2019, 09:50 PM
 
297 posts, read 80,491 times
Reputation: 624
I like what Ruth said. I will add:


This is the girl that told you before:

- you deserve somebody who loves you as much as you love her
- she loves you but isn’t in love with you
- you love her too much
- she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and you are more planned and organized
- said you base too many decisions on her decisions
- said that uou did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
etc etc

She's trying to say she doesn't want your happiness dependent on her, but that's how you make her feel. No question she enjoys how much you like her, but it's too much like you are a teenager in love and trying to please her all the time.

The extreme heartache you express is showing neediness that your total happiness is dependent on her. THAT is what she doesn't want the burden of. Be happy with yourself first, then share your self made happiness with another in a way that doesn't make then feel responsible for your happiness. When she left, that burden was lifted off her shoulders.

The "undeniable, indescribable connection and chemistry" makes YOU feel connected to her, but that's not what women need to feel connected to a man. Nor is it: " cute little gifts or being so supportive, caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate..." Those are things little girls need more of, mature women need some. You thought the more you do this for her the more she will connect to you, when it doesn't.

This woman also flaked out on you several times until she went on a long trip and realized how much she missed you. This also has a feel of teenager emotion red flag to it. What she was missing was all your puppy love attention and pleasing. Which touches her little girl emotions. All that "hanging on me, smiling, giggling, lighting up when I was around" also sounds too teenager emotion red flagish.

Both of you have maturing to do, to be less emotionally dependent, which happens when your happiness is self made and then you share it with another in a mature way. And the other doesn't have the burden of making the other happy. You share your happiness, you don't use a person to make you happy.
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Old 07-01-2019, 06:24 AM
M90 M90 started this thread
 
24 posts, read 5,713 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
So you haven't been seeing your therapist?
I have been. It hasn't stopped me from missing her. I'm doing better than I originally was but it's still upsetting. I was the happiest I think I ever was the times I was with her, I was so certain we had a future together and so certain she thought the same thing and that was just ripped away from me out of nowhere. Now all the events and plans and ideas we talked about happening over the the last 6 months and this summer are passing by.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, you're still glossing over the fact that she had a flakey side, she ran off, as I recall, and was with some other guy, then came back. Even though she was saying all the right things to you the second time around, she wasn't mature enough to communicate to you that she was unhappy with certain things, and was drawing the conclusion that the two of you aren't a good fit because of those things. They may have been trivial, but in her mind, they weren't. That should tell you something about her. You say, she just needs to mature a bit. But the fact is, she's not the mature person you want her to be. You're telling yourself, she'd be perfect if only she could mature a bit. Well, she's not gong to anytime soon. "She'd be perfect IF..." is not something to base a relationship on, or a dream on.

Instead of obsessing about all the sweet things she did and said, start telling yourself, she wasn't mature enough, still isn't mature enough, and really, she did some pretty low-down things, too. Do not excuse away that side of the picture. It's a key component. THE key component to why it didn't work out.

For all you know, she could have some kind of mental illness or a personality disorder, that leads her to be flaky the way she was with you, even to the point of saying all the right things, then suddenly changing on you. That part of her isn't going to change. Jekyll/Hyde. She's not stable. You need to face these facts.

The longer you keep idealizing her in your memory, the longer it will take you to get over her. You need to get real about her with yourself. Start telling yourself that it wasn't real, she wasn't capable of being real with you, and she's not capable of being the person you need her to be.

So sorry this happened to you, OP, but you're prolonging the pain by idealizing her, and downplaying the negatives.
I think the reason it's so hard for me to accept any of the above is partly because I know she's had several long term relationships in the past although they were throughout high school and the most serious/recent was 3 years in college in which she lived with the guy for a year. I guess in my mind that proves she's capable of maintaining a serious relationship and must have learned how to communicate effectively within one in order for them to last as long as they did. And yes I wasn't there so I don't know the quality of these relationships but they all lasted several years, and she's still friends/friendly with all of her exes and even basically best friends with her ex from college so that leads me to think things were likely of pretty good quality...

This makes me feel like she wasn't invested enough/didn't love me enough to want to talk about whatever it was that wasn't working for her which just feels ****ty and makes me question why didn't she love me enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by james112 View Post
I like what Ruth said. I will add:


This is the girl that told you before:

- you deserve somebody who loves you as much as you love her
- she loves you but isn’t in love with you
- you love her too much
- she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and you are more planned and organized
- said you base too many decisions on her decisions
- said that uou did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
etc etc

She's trying to say she doesn't want your happiness dependent on her, but that's how you make her feel. No question she enjoys how much you like her, but it's too much like you are a teenager in love and trying to please her all the time.

The extreme heartache you express is showing neediness that your total happiness is dependent on her. THAT is what she doesn't want the burden of. Be happy with yourself first, then share your self made happiness with another in a way that doesn't make then feel responsible for your happiness. When she left, that burden was lifted off her shoulders.

The "undeniable, indescribable connection and chemistry" makes YOU feel connected to her, but that's not what women need to feel connected to a man. Nor is it: " cute little gifts or being so supportive, caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate..." Those are things little girls need more of, mature women need some. You thought the more you do this for her the more she will connect to you, when it doesn't.

This woman also flaked out on you several times until she went on a long trip and realized how much she missed you. This also has a feel of teenager emotion red flag to it. What she was missing was all your puppy love attention and pleasing. Which touches her little girl emotions. All that "hanging on me, smiling, giggling, lighting up when I was around" also sounds too teenager emotion red flagish.

Both of you have maturing to do, to be less emotionally dependent, which happens when your happiness is self made and then you share it with another in a mature way. And the other doesn't have the burden of making the other happy. You share your happiness, you don't use a person to make you happy.
Maybe I just got wrapped up in the excitement of her coming back to me and making this big commitment to me, all the honeymoon phase feelings and was feeding off the vibes she was giving me. I was just really happy and in love and wanted to do great things with her, spend time with her, and yes do nice things for her as well but I really don't think I was SO over the top with these things either. Maybe I was? I don't know.

I really don't know why she would feel my happiness was dependent on her. I'm sitting here trying to think back on what it could have been but I really can't think of anything. Maybe it was things like when making plans I'd say something along the lines of asking her if she's into it or cool with it rather than just saying we're doing x it's gonna be fun. I don't know, I felt like I lead enough, felt like I also was flexible enough to do things she wanted to, at this moment I can't think of things that would make her feel as though I was dependent on her. But if she did feel that way it kills me that she didn't communicate this to me somehow, in someway.
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Old 07-01-2019, 06:34 AM
 
4,792 posts, read 1,207,587 times
Reputation: 3706
Good people get hurt all the time. If you risk your heart, you can get it broken. It happens to good people, bad people....
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Old 07-01-2019, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,533 posts, read 24,120,629 times
Reputation: 48896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
The longer you keep idealizing her in your memory, the longer it will take you to get over her. You need to get real about her with yourself. Start telling yourself that it wasn't real, she wasn't capable of being real with you, and she's not capable of being the person you need her to be.

So sorry this happened to you, OP, but you're prolonging the pain by idealizing her, and downplaying the negatives.
Exactly. You're obsessing over a fantasy, OP. The woman in your head is not who she really is.
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Old 07-01-2019, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,141 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82836
Quote:
Originally Posted by M90 View Post

I have been. It hasn't stopped me from missing her. I'm doing better than I originally was but it's still upsetting. I was the happiest I think I ever was the times I was with her ...

Based on what you've written, your thought process hasn't improved much since the last times you've posted. Do you talk to your therapist about how you are ruminating about her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M90 View Post
Now all the events and plans and ideas we talked about happening over the the last 6 months and this summer are passing by.
Well this explains some of it.

Remembering these benchmarks makes you reminisce. This is one reason they say time heals wounds like this. When you've gone beyond these benchmarks when you had made plans together, things will get better.

We talked about this ad nauseam in your last thread. You are not seeing reality. Your mind is still carrying on the relationship with the fantasy you obsessed over.

You need to work more with your therapist on your sense of self worth. Your ego should have carried you beyond this point by now.
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Old 07-01-2019, 07:09 AM
 
5,406 posts, read 2,330,862 times
Reputation: 14962
Move on. I would have thought a young girl wrote this with all the false, romantic yearning. You're making this a huge deal & wasting time.
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