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Old 07-01-2019, 08:14 AM
 
68 posts, read 37,785 times
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If there is a person who is unattractive, what would be your advice to them when it comes to finding love? And if it’s a person who isn’t sure why they aren’t good at attracting the opposite sex, how can they go about figuring out what it is about them that causes the opposite sex to not like them?
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,088 posts, read 8,374,389 times
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Typically people play up their strengths.

What's your personality like? I read a lot here about people thinking it's their looks when it's their personality and social skills that need improvement.
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:35 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,048 posts, read 70,909,315 times
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Do you have friends, OP? Any friends or relatives you might ask for some objective feedback? Are you introverted? Lack confidence? These things can be worked on.

What do you do, to try to meet women? Do you get involved in group activities of various sorts, that draw women as well as men? Volunteering for community projects (annual film festival, street fair, or whatever suits your interests), co-ed sports leagues or boating clubs or biking or hiking clubs, sister city committees, foreign affairs groups, or whatever turns you on? Taking classes: photography, writing, foreign language, whatever?
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Worcester MA
1,835 posts, read 323,721 times
Reputation: 1911
Develop confidence and ease at just being yourself. People love people who are secure and comfortable in their own skin.
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:44 AM
 
Location: South Bay Native
13,423 posts, read 21,988,989 times
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Find someone with similar interests and appearance. Don't be a misogynist, attend to hygiene, have an optimistic outlook on life and live by the golden rule. Make your goal expanding your circle of friends and acquaintances, not 'landing/getting a girlfriend.'
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Florida/Tennessee
2,486 posts, read 4,329,645 times
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Unattractive.... can be both , improvable and overcomeable. I would suggest joining a group of people of like mindedness... examples such as

Bible study (join a church)
outdoor groups (hiking, fishing, boating)
athletic groups (tennis, pickleball, cycling)
reading club (library)
civic groups ( red cross, salvation army, political)

Being where there is commonality of thought.... seems to open the eyes of the heart.
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,624 posts, read 24,217,469 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
Find someone with similar interests and appearance. Don't be a misogynist, attend to hygiene, have an optimistic outlook on life and live by the golden rule. Make your goal expanding your circle of friends and acquaintances, not 'landing/getting a girlfriend.'
The bolded is really important. If you make your goal to go on 10 dates and that doesn't happen, you might feel like you've failed at something. If you make your goal to get out of the house more, to join a social or volunteer activity, to engage with people more, those are things you can succeed at and that will boost your confidence.
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Old 07-01-2019, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,751 posts, read 1,716,626 times
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I'm not pointing at you, but there are some things that make a person seem creepy to others. Here are a couple of tips to help avoid this:
  • Pay attention to your health and hygiene, including deodorant, regular flossing, and dental cleanings.
  • Wear clothing that fits and is in good repair and clean (a stain that remains after the garment has gone through the wash is not okay).
  • Don't stand too close to the other person.
And a couple more general tips:
  • Don't monopolize the conversation about things you are interested in. Practice taking notice of when people seem bored on annoyed, and if you notice this, ask them a sincere question about themselves. (A good rule to keep in mind is that if the other person does 90% of the talking, they will think you are a brilliant conversationalist.)
  • Don't get hung up on needing to get with the most gorgeous person in the room. Take notice of the wallflowers; they are often the most interesting, probably have more in common with you, and may give you a chance when others won't.
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Old 07-01-2019, 09:49 AM
 
Location: So Cal
40,576 posts, read 40,089,919 times
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Dress nice. Stay in shape. Keep a positive attitude and be open to dating people that are on the same plane in terms of looks.

Don't be that big ol fat sweaty dude looking to date supermodels.
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Old 07-01-2019, 11:01 AM
 
731 posts, read 190,799 times
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I'm going to take a stab and guess that by "unattractive" you mean "ugly"? Chances are good that you're not "too unattractive" for dating women. Some women, sure, but if you find that no one is interested in dating you there's something beyond your looks that's feeding their lack of attraction. As far as figuring out what exactly, I don't know, it's probably different for different people. I was confused about that for myself. But, it's probably not your looks.



I used to think the same thing. I used to think that my weight and skin made me hideous to girls, and it's why they didn't like me. When I was younger, around 14-15, I had a puerile, dark id-fantasy. I'd felt rejected by girls for the lack of romantic attention that I had begun to notice them showing other boys in my school. I was sure it was because of my weight (very heavy) and a skin condition that affects part of my face. I daydreamed of a time in my future when I'd lost the weight and mitigated the skin condition, and in which girls would approach me and be attracted by me, and I'd then have the power to reject them as they'd done to me...if they were too shallow to notice me before, then I'd want nothing to do with them after.



This is something I let go years ago. Recently I have lost the weight (dropped over 100 pounds), mitigated the skin condition by growing a full (but well-kept) beard that normalizes the color palette of my face, improved my sense of style, and filled out my muscular frame somewhat through working out. And you know, I don't look bad. I'm no underwear model, but I've seen lots of guys who are heavier, or shorter, or balder, or worse-dressed, or plain not as good-looking to my heterosexual eye who are successful with women.



When I realized that, the old, hateful daydream resurfaced and I realized its irony. Even after I'd lived up to the better-looking version of myself I'd imagined in that fantasy, women still turned me down right and left. The irony was, girls hadn't been shallowly judging me all this time...I had been shallowly judging myself! It dawned on me that the lack of success in dating that I'd always known wasn't due to my looks. There was something else about me that turned women off, and had probably always turned women off.


What is it about me that turns women off? I'm not sure exactly, but I'd imagine it's a concoction of:


-Lack of confidence around women
-Lack of experience with women
-"Trying too hard", when I was trying...led to an air of desperation

-Low social IQ...social abilities don't come naturally to me, such as reading social cues, knowing the best time to gracefully exit a conversation (I do err on the side of short conversations though), and finding interesting things to talk about, all amplified immensely when I would talk to women I was crushing on
-Lack of attractive skills and hobbies...I'm very good at certain things, but not things that are really that attractive


Other than that, there's something about me that makes women just...friendly, and just friendly. "Like a brother" is a phrase I've heard more than once. A ladies' man buddy of mine, who has known me for two decades, told me that I make women want to play pattycake, which blunts any sexual interest they might have in me. I suppose it could be best described as "lack of game", which is a dangerous phrase to use around here (as is asking on how to develop game...I wouldn't recommend it).


That's all for me, though. Maybe your difficulties are similar. But I'm betting it's not looks...I've seen burn victims and wheelchair-bound people in relationships, so unless you're worse off than that, it's something else.
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