Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Look, I know why the idea of older people having sex bothers you. It's because you are 18 years old. That's ok, there is no need for you to think too hard about this stuff. What is or is not "normal" doesn't matter. Stop worrying about what other people do. You get to live your life, and you are the only one who can figure out how best to do that. YOU OWN YOUR LIFE. Not your Mom, or her friends, or her friends' husbands, or even your future husband if you choose to marry...you, only you. Only EVER you. OK?
As you get older, what age of person seems like an "old person" in your mind, will change. Some people do eventually lose interest in having sex, or do so less frequently...many people never lose the desire for it. But you don't need to worry about that. There will be people in the world around you doing all sorts of things that may or may not ever be your cup of tea, and that's fine. It doesn't matter. They're making themselves happy, you get to do the same.
The concerns that I do have, you mentioned that people touching you is uncomfortable, and I get a sense of anxiety around the entire subject of sex. This goes way beyond being "demisexual" (only having desire when you have strong emotional bonds) or wanting to save yourself for your one true love. There is something else here. Some questions (you don't have to answer, but just think about)...
Do you use any hormone based birth control products? I know you said you aren't sexually active, but some women use them for other medical reasons. Depo Provera in particular (which is a shot they give you at the doctor's office every few months) will make you not want to be touched and be repulsed by the idea of sex, or at least that's a POSSIBLE effect of it. It did that to me. They give this drug to child molesters to make them stop having sex urges, that's how serious it is.
You could have some kind of trauma in your past that we don't know about here, and that is none of our business, but if you do, then I really recommend therapy and self-work to get it sorted out.
You could also be asexual. Believe it or not, some people (it is rare, but it's a thing) are asexual--so they do not want to have sex--but they are romantic. Versus "aromantic" which is not wanting romance. So in other words, some very small percentage of people in the world just do not want sex at all, even if perhaps they are perfectly willing to have romance.
There are other options and arrangements that exist, if you're willing to think outside of what is or isn't "normal." You get to build your life in any way you want...some paths are unusual or more challenging, that does not mean that they're impossible.
Or...weird question, and again, you don't have to answer this, just putting it out there... Are you even attracted to men, really? You could be a lesbian? Maybe? Just thinking that you've got to marry a man because it's what you feel is expected of you, or because you want a family?
But if none of this applies to you, then just know that in a good, healthy marriage, sex should not feel gross, you should enjoy it. No, it's not typical that married people are having it every day. The main reason that couples who have kids slow down, isn't because it becomes a gross thing, it's because taking care of small children makes you exhausted. What's most important is that the couple is honest and feels safe and trusting of each other, and communicates what they need. If you need romantic gestures to put you in the mood, you have a mouth and words, you can talk to your one-day-husband and share that with him. If a man wants sex, trust me, he'll be willing to bring home a rose and light a candle if that's what it takes, alright? Sure, sometimes it is a quick thing, but trust me, after children are born you won't always have the time or energy for an hours long lovemaking session. But you will appreciate the sexual intimacy too, if you are with a wonderful person that you feel deeply in love with and your emotional connection is strong.
Please find a book about "Love Languages" and read it. You need to understand that for some people, in particular the ones whose primary love language is Physical Touch, if you deny them sex, it's not a matter of a man being an ape who needs to get his ape needs met, it's a matter of a human being who feels like you don't love him anymore. Don't want him. That he's worthless to you. Understand that's the hurt that men feel when the wife stops desiring sex. It's not just some animal thing. It's not gross. You will need to consider your mate's feelings if you want him to respect yours, and of course you do. That's what a loving marriage is all about.
Anyhow. Lay down some boundaries with your Mom. And take your time to figure out what you want in life. You are very young, and there is no rush. Don't worry about what is "normal." Do what is good and right for YOU.
Look, I know why the idea of older people having sex bothers you. It's because you are 18 years old. That's ok, there is no need for you to think too hard about this stuff. What is or is not "normal" doesn't matter. Stop worrying about what other people do. You get to live your life, and you are the only one who can figure out how best to do that. YOU OWN YOUR LIFE. Not your Mom, or her friends, or her friends' husbands, or even your future husband if you choose to marry...you, only you. Only EVER you. OK?
As you get older, what age of person seems like an "old person" in your mind, will change. Some people do eventually lose interest in having sex, or do so less frequently...many people never lose the desire for it. But you don't need to worry about that. There will be people in the world around you doing all sorts of things that may or may not ever be your cup of tea, and that's fine. It doesn't matter. They're making themselves happy, you get to do the same.
The concerns that I do have, you mentioned that people touching you is uncomfortable, and I get a sense of anxiety around the entire subject of sex. This goes way beyond being "demisexual" (only having desire when you have strong emotional bonds) or wanting to save yourself for your one true love. There is something else here. Some questions (you don't have to answer, but just think about)...
Do you use any hormone based birth control products? I know you said you aren't sexually active, but some women use them for other medical reasons. Depo Provera in particular (which is a shot they give you at the doctor's office every few months) will make you not want to be touched and be repulsed by the idea of sex, or at least that's a POSSIBLE effect of it. It did that to me. They give this drug to child molesters to make them stop having sex urges, that's how serious it is.
You could have some kind of trauma in your past that we don't know about here, and that is none of our business, but if you do, then I really recommend therapy and self-work to get it sorted out.
You could also be asexual. Believe it or not, some people (it is rare, but it's a thing) are asexual--so they do not want to have sex--but they are romantic. Versus "aromantic" which is not wanting romance. So in other words, some very small percentage of people in the world just do not want sex at all, even if perhaps they are perfectly willing to have romance.
There are other options and arrangements that exist, if you're willing to think outside of what is or isn't "normal." You get to build your life in any way you want...some paths are unusual or more challenging, that does not mean that they're impossible.
Or...weird question, and again, you don't have to answer this, just putting it out there... Are you even attracted to men, really? You could be a lesbian? Maybe? Just thinking that you've got to marry a man because it's what you feel is expected of you, or because you want a family?
But if none of this applies to you, then just know that in a good, healthy marriage, sex should not feel gross, you should enjoy it. No, it's not typical that married people are having it every day. The main reason that couples who have kids slow down, isn't because it becomes a gross thing, it's because taking care of small children makes you exhausted. What's most important is that the couple is honest and feels safe and trusting of each other, and communicates what they need. If you need romantic gestures to put you in the mood, you have a mouth and words, you can talk to your one-day-husband and share that with him. If a man wants sex, trust me, he'll be willing to bring home a rose and light a candle if that's what it takes, alright? Sure, sometimes it is a quick thing, but trust me, after children are born you won't always have the time or energy for an hours long lovemaking session. But you will appreciate the sexual intimacy too, if you are with a wonderful person that you feel deeply in love with and your emotional connection is strong.
Please find a book about "Love Languages" and read it. You need to understand that for some people, in particular the ones whose primary love language is Physical Touch, if you deny them sex, it's not a matter of a man being an ape who needs to get his ape needs met, it's a matter of a human being who feels like you don't love him anymore. Don't want him. That he's worthless to you. Understand that's the hurt that men feel when the wife stops desiring sex. It's not just some animal thing. It's not gross. You will need to consider your mate's feelings if you want him to respect yours, and of course you do. That's what a loving marriage is all about.
Anyhow. Lay down some boundaries with your Mom. And take your time to figure out what you want in life. You are very young, and there is no rush. Don't worry about what is "normal." Do what is good and right for YOU.
Hi, thank you so much for the kind words.
The thing is, I don't think I'm asexual because... I just don't think so. I also am not on any sort of medication or birth control, but for some reason the idea of sex makes me uncomfortable sometimes and really confuses me. I just, especially when it comes to older people, it makes me feel really weird. I don't know why but I really don't want to be older with kids and still sexually active frequently. I feel like people place too much emphasis on sex and center their entire marriage around it and it kind of devalues all the other facets of intimacy and romance and turns sex into something routine.
As far as my sexuality goes, honestly I really don't think I'm a lesbian lol because I find myself feeling attracted to guys and only guys. But who knows
I’m a 60 yo woman and up until 10.5 years ago, my husband (now ex) and I were having sex every other night and I think it would have been every night if he’d had his choice but every other was our compromise. Then he came out gay. Lol. And yes at 60 and well past menopause I still like sex and once a month would not cut it for me. And I love romance too but to me sex is part of that.
The OP sounds like she may be asexual and may want to look into that to see if it’s a fit. I remember at that age that I couldn’t wait to try it. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual but it’s a good thing to know about yourself as there are, I believe, dating sites for folks who don’t care for sex, which would be a good solution to keep from getting into a mismatched relationship.
As for the woman who is being cheated on, if she truly hates sex she may find a way to come to terms with it. They may be able to find a workable solution where he gets his physical needs met elsewhere and comes home to his wife every night. The dishonesty bothers me but if he agrees to never lie again and she can live with it, then who is to say that they’re wrong? There is a lot of variety in relationships and couples have to find their own brand of normal.
Hi, thank you so much for the kind words.
The thing is, I don't think I'm asexual because... I just don't think so. I also am not on any sort of medication or birth control, but for some reason the idea of sex makes me uncomfortable sometimes and really confuses me. I just, especially when it comes to older people, it makes me feel really weird. I don't know why but I really don't want to be older with kids and still sexually active frequently. I feel like people place too much emphasis on sex and center their entire marriage around it and it kind of devalues all the other facets of intimacy and romance and turns sex into something routine.
As far as my sexuality goes, honestly I really don't think I'm a lesbian lol because I find myself feeling attracted to guys and only guys. But who knows
On the flip side, by reserving sexual intimacy for only what you deem to be "special occasions," sex can be felt as being obligatory by the spouse who would like to feel connected through intercourse more often than what would amount to a handful of times each calendar year. That creates the sort of resentment that can destroy even what are otherwise the best of marriages in terms of overall compatibility.
What you'll find with time, is that when a couple is having what is regular sex for them (and this varies with the particular " season" a marriage is in and with different couples), sex doesn't seem as quite so over-arching a topic as it is for couples in which either or both spouses are dissatisfied with their love life. I know that for not just me, but many other people (regardless of gender), that sex is a way to feel connected to my partner, a way to communicate what words cannot quite express, a way to celebrate life, and a way to mend rifts after a disagreement. Sometimes, there's a playful aspect to it as well. There have been times when I've wanted it more than a partner does on a given day and vice-versa, but if there are already the other facets of intimacy in place (and this can include things that you might not now consider to be romantic like sharing the housework, bathing the children, etc.), sex often happens as result as each partner feels appreciated, wanted, validated as a person, and "seen."
All of this aside, a good place to start is to get to know your own body as well as you can before engaging in intercourse on your own terms and on your own timeline. The reason that I recommend this, is that a lot of guys are more informed by porn and/or past experiences that don't take into consideration a woman's very individual needs and desires which can be damaging because sometimes these guys will try to make you feel as if there is something the matter with you if you don't respond as expected.
Knowing yourself and your own needs and desires and being willing to communicate them will go a long way towards making the experience better for you when the time is right.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 07-08-2019 at 11:24 AM..
Hi, thank you so much for the kind words.
The thing is, I don't think I'm asexual because... I just don't think so. I also am not on any sort of medication or birth control, but for some reason the idea of sex makes me uncomfortable sometimes and really confuses me. I just, especially when it comes to older people, it makes me feel really weird. I don't know why but I really don't want to be older with kids and still sexually active frequently. I feel like people place too much emphasis on sex and center their entire marriage around it and it kind of devalues all the other facets of intimacy and romance and turns sex into something routine.
As far as my sexuality goes, honestly I really don't think I'm a lesbian lol because I find myself feeling attracted to guys and only guys. But who knows
OK, that's fair.
I also wonder if your discomfort around the notion of older people's sexuality (even when it does not affect you) might have to do with your Mom, or anyone else, oversharing things you have been at times too young to hear. Sometimes when adults are inappropriate around kids...and I don't know how long your Mom has felt so free to say such things to you...it plants discomforts in the mind that you have to sort out in adulthood.
I suggest you just don't think about it too much, especially before you've gotten anywhere near being married, having kids, etc. It really should not become this mechanical, obligatory activity. And as someone who has experienced a long, bad marriage, and is now 4 years into a much happier relationship... Look, if you feel at any point, like sex is an unpleasant chore that you "have to do" then you are with the wrong person. When it's good, it's wonderful, and you want to do it when you can. Even after 40, even after having kids. When you are over 40 you don't FEEL like an old person. Your perspective changes. I think you are maybe wishing that older people in your life were non-sexual because they exposed their sexuality to your young self in a way that has made you fear and avoid it.
But you should know that for many women, in the mid-30s through the 40s, sex can become even better than ever. IF...you have the right partner. I am 40, and I'm with a 60 year old man. How often we have sex is not the important thing, it's the fact that when we do, it's fantastic. We laugh, we play, we make one another feel good, we have FUN. It does not feel gross, or forced, whether it's overly "romantic" or not. It is just one of many ways we enjoy our time together, and express to each other how much love that we feel.
So really, please, try not to fear or worry about something that is off in the future in a place you cannot really see clearly from where you now stand. Hold out for the man who makes you feel loved and cherished, and who makes your heart sing, and none of these fears will matter when you get there.
Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.
My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.
I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.
I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
Thank You For Reading,
-E
I will tell you what I told my boys when they were 9 and 7, and I was explaining the birds and the bees. "I promise, the first time you kiss a girl (or in your case OP, a boy) sex won't seem so gross anymore, and you'll be curious and want to participate."
It seems clear that you're a virgin, because your ideas about sex are a bit too romanticized, and yet, you're grossed out by it. People have sex for a variety of reasons, one of the big and most popular reasons is because it feels so good. The frequency of coitus is different for different people, and the main hope would be that the frequency is often enough for both partners, whatever that may be. Whether it's special occasions or everyday. That's all that really matters.
That used to be considered normal human sexual behavior.
fixed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by josie13
Oh dear. If you were with a man and wanted to get pregnant but not have sex, he could just place his semen in a paper cup and hand it to you. You insert the semen inside you with a turkey baster or whatnot and bob's your uncle. Many lesbians have used this method to have children. You absolutely can choose the man whose sperm you use (including your own husband if you choose not to have sex). There's no need to waste a bunch of money in an IVF clinic.
ye old shawn kemp method.
Last edited by stanley-88888888; 07-08-2019 at 03:29 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
