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Old 07-07-2019, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Florida
23,154 posts, read 26,038,809 times
Reputation: 27882

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine View Post
Personally I just want to do that when I'm dating someone and in the beginning of my marriage and then after kids make it way less frequent.
You'll find that if you enjoy "doing it" with a boyfriend, you'll not want to stop or cut down after you get married.
If you 'do it' with a boyfriend but still think it's 'gross', I doubt you'll 'do it' with him very much either
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Old 07-07-2019, 12:47 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,799,792 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine View Post
That really sucks what if I really like someone but they want to do that every night. Also, I understand that some people have sex frequently but when they're married with kids? It just seems so bizarre to me and isn't something I would want to do at that stage in my life. When I'm dating? Yeah, not every day but I mean definitely more than when I'm married with kids. It also kind of bothers me how my mom used the importance of sex in a relationship as an excuse for cheating.

It does sound like your mom is blaming her friend for her husband's cheating. 7 years without sex.... why? Is there something going on with her or is it the case that she simply doesn't like sex? Were they working on this together or did she just dismiss him? Either way, the husband made the choice to cheat. But don't assume that even if the husband was getting constant sex that the mom's friend would not have been cheated on. Some folks just cheat, even when they have "easy access".


I think your views on marriage and sex is bizarre. But you need to realize other people have their own standards and will apply that instead. I don't see anything wrong with the other friend couple who are intimate daily. If it works for them, all's well. I'm wondering with your strange view on marriage and sex (which might align more with the cheated mom's friend), if you're worried you're going to be cheated on?
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Old 07-07-2019, 12:51 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,055 posts, read 106,836,948 times
Reputation: 115795
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine View Post
I know, I thought it was really gross too. That's why it's been troubling me. The thing is, it seems to be a topic that comes up all the time, and by that I mean with my friends. They all talk about it all the time. And they're all way more experienced than me i've never even kissed a boy. But my friends, some of them have even gone all the way, actually most of them, and they talk about it all the time too. Sex seems to be a predominant topic in my life and I don't even want it to be lol. But then when I decide to ask my friends questions about sex since they know stuff it never works out they just confuse me and make me feel bad.
Find a couple of friends who have other interests in their lives to talk about. Will you be going to college soon? You'll find a whole new group of people to hang out with, there.
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Old 07-07-2019, 12:57 PM
 
35,512 posts, read 17,676,943 times
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ellie, it's interesting that you can predict for yourself what happens a LOT in a marriages, and causes great distress in men.

The woman loves sex and is willing to be adventuresome, and then put her in a wedding gown and bam it stops.

If you intend to do that, it would save you a lot of distress if you are honest. "I'm willing to have sex now, but once we're married, once a year will be fine".

This is such a common complaint. It doesn't seem that all that many women communicate that.

And your mom's friend whose husband cheated after 7 years? I'm surprised he waited that long. Men don't get married to live a celibate lifestyle. They want a companion, and a frequent sex partner, and usually children.
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Old 07-07-2019, 12:59 PM
 
17,533 posts, read 15,267,171 times
Reputation: 26342
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine View Post
I know, I thought it was really gross too. That's why it's been troubling me. The thing is, it seems to be a topic that comes up all the time, and by that I mean with my friends.
It's a common topic for teens and young adults. Don't force yourself to grow up faster just to keep up with anyone else--it's never worth it! It's your private business and not something for keeping score. Develop yourself as a whole person with lots of interests and allow yourself to grow up at whatever pace feels best and not with anyone else's pressure.

If your mom brings this topic up again, just tell her you're tired of hearing about it and change the subject. You have the right to have other interests and not be around discussions you're tired of or just don't want to participate in.
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Old 07-07-2019, 01:09 PM
 
Location: the Old Dominion
314 posts, read 237,032 times
Reputation: 1499
Default ...men are apes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine View Post
Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.

My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.

I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.

I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.

Thank You For Reading,
-E
Men think about [having] sex almost all the time. Every day. Every hour. Men would like to have sex everyday. Some men would like to have sex several times a day. Notice I did not say love.
Most men I know are not interested in love. Sometimes it happens to them. Men do not look for love. Men look for sex. Men are apes.
To qualify my statement, I retired a year and a half back (many praises Heavenward). Part of that was in the military. Some construction, A couple years in a steel mill. Some work with college educated people.
When the guys would get together, they would discuss women in very chauvinistic terms. I did not. And sometimes, it was the religious guys leading the way. It took all types. Men are apes.
You sound like a sweet girl. I hope you find a gentleman. Keep your standards.

- Johnny Boy
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Old 07-07-2019, 01:11 PM
 
78 posts, read 54,755 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
ellie, it's interesting that you can predict for yourself what happens a LOT in a marriages, and causes great distress in men.

The woman loves sex and is willing to be adventuresome, and then put her in a wedding gown and bam it stops.

If you intend to do that, it would save you a lot of distress if you are honest. "I'm willing to have sex now, but once we're married, once a year will be fine".

This is such a common complaint. It doesn't seem that all that many women communicate that.

And your mom's friend whose husband cheated after 7 years? I'm surprised he waited that long. Men don't get married to live a celibate lifestyle. They want a companion, and a frequent sex partner, and usually children.
But I feel like if someone loves you, they should respect the fact you don't want to have sex as much. They shouldn't just cheat on you. He didn't wait that long either, he's been cheating on her for the past 5 years.
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Old 07-07-2019, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Texas
13,480 posts, read 8,284,755 times
Reputation: 25941
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyLackland View Post
Men think about [having] sex almost all the time. Every day. Every hour. Men would like to have sex everyday. Some men would like to have sex several times a day. Notice I did not say love.
How can you say this is true of all men.

If someone thinks about sex "all the time" I would say he/she has a problem.
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Old 07-07-2019, 01:14 PM
 
78 posts, read 54,755 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyLackland View Post
Men think about [having] sex almost all the time. Every day. Every hour. Men would like to have sex everyday. Some men would like to have sex several times a day. Notice I did not say love.
Most men I know are not interested in love. Sometimes it happens to them. Men do not look for love. Men look for sex. Men are apes.
To qualify my statement, I retired a year and a half back (many praises Heavenward). Part of that was in the military. Some construction, A couple years in a steel mill. Some work with college educated people.
When the guys would get together, they would discuss women in very chauvinistic terms. I did not. And sometimes, it was the religious guys leading the way. It took all types. Men are apes.
You sound like a sweet girl. I hope you find a gentleman. Keep your standards.

- Johnny Boy
They would? Oh my God. That's really gross.
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Old 07-07-2019, 01:32 PM
 
6,844 posts, read 3,910,004 times
Reputation: 15848
As a man I would have to say sex is the sweetest part of any day. It's not all men want, but it is something most men want and most women too. Long ago I heard the saying that if you put a marble in a jar every time you had sex during your first year of marriage, and took a marble out of the jar every time you had sex after the first year you would never get all the marbles out of the jar in your lifetime. Maybe that is an exaggeration but I think initially the sex drive is very strong and frequent at first and it tapers off to once or twice a week then once every one or two weeks for most people for the next few decades, then may gradually decline for many couples depending on the libido or sex drive of the partners as they get into old age, have infirmities, etc. However ...

"Among 60- to 70-year-olds with partners, 46 percent of men and 38 percent of women have sex at least once a week, as did 34 percent of those 70 or older. Similar findings emerged in a survey conducted by the National Council on the Aging (NCOA)." ...

https://consumer.healthday.com/encyc...ch-647575.html

I'd say having sex every day for decades is unusual, but if that's what they want, why shouldn't they? Just having sex on special occasions would be as unusual to me, as having it every day. They seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, and not the norm.

I'd also say not having sex for 7 years is not really a marriage any more, but just living as roommates, so it's quite possible the woman in this case was glad to hand over what she may consider a chore to someone else, while she and her husband maintain the financial and social arrangements of their marriage. If that's the case it's no more cheating than if the wife was actually just a roommate.

I'd say that sex without intimacy or intimacy without sex are not what people ought to settle for. But many people do. For them, something is better than nothing.

I'd also say men thinking of sex every day for their whole lives after puberty is probably normal. While women's libidos often diminish after menapause, men do not have menapause. Just because men think about sex, it doesn't mean all men diminish women in their conversation or attitudes. It's no more abnormal than thinking of food every day, but it doesn't make them animals or gluttons. It just makes them human.

It sounds like the OP's mother is trying to give her a more normal view of sex than the OP's romantic phantasy and/or fearful ideas about it. One of my female cousins was afraid of sex her whole life and never married or even had a steady boyfriend, but retained romantic phantasies of what perfect love should be. These ideas kept her from having any sort of relationship with men. One of the older female family members told her "it's a penis, not a knife", but it never changed her mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's not ALL that guys want.

Your mom sounds like she has a very traditional, old-school view of sex within marriage.

Yes, men need sex, but women need sex too. You will find this out as you get more involved with someone you're REALLY into.

The challenge is in getting those times to align.

But as Murk said, sex is one part of a good relationship. Trust me, sometimes the sweetest part of the day is getting in bed next to that person you love and turning to them ....

Last edited by bobspez; 07-07-2019 at 02:01 PM..
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