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Old 07-08-2019, 09:31 AM
 
7,385 posts, read 11,563,104 times
Reputation: 8188

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Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post
Hi all,

I wanted to get some impartial advice from the good people here. I've been reading these forums for a while but haven't posted anything until now. Not sure how to start so I'll just jump into it.

I feel my partner and I are drifting apart and I'm not sure how to set things to right. It's difficult to pinpoint what the problem is because there's no major issue between us, no fights, irreconcilable differences, anything like that. Yet we are more distant than we've ever been. She does not admit there is a problem, but I know there is one when she spends more time with her friends than me, comes home disinterested and does not want to talk about anything - very different to when we started dating. Everything is 'you decide', not interested to do anything, and I feel like we're just going through the motions at this point.

The thing is, I can't let her go! She is very intelligent (much more so than me); uses words like 'fungible', is attractive in a way I most certainly appreciate. I find her enigmatic, tantalising, has great capacity for emotion, and I think I may be forever searching trying to find someone like her again (to no avail). I know I will be filled with regret and sadness if we break up. The fact that she pretends that nothing is wrong is doing my head in. I even suggested couple's therapy, to which she laughed and asked what for.

I have been thinking about why she has been losing interest in me and have some ideas. I have faults which I freely admit. I'm not an exciting person, I have a low energy level and (apologies if TMI) a low libido, which I think may be an issue but which she has never explicitly said anything about. I also have no friends and work quite long hours. By contrast she has an active social life and many friends. We live in a fairly small town and she has often talked about moving to the big city. I think she may be getting bored of life here, and by extension me. I try to make things interesting in small ways, but it's a losing battle.

Is there anything that can be done to salvage this? I will be crestfallen if we break up. I can feel it happening and it feels like I'm slowly drowning. I wish we could be the way we were when we first met, but I think it might not ever be that way again.
Thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and feelings.

I rather enjoyed reading your candid post. There's so much fake posts and melodrama posted here (in ALL the subforums), it's quite refreshing to read something that's genuine (how you find her use of the word 'fungible' endearing).

My opinion is that your partner feels you are ultimately incompatible and is bored with you and/or feels like you don't communicate/connect on the level that she desires. The reason that she has not broken up with you yet is because she still respects you as a person and 'loves' you and it is difficult to let down a person like that. There is also probably a healthy dose of 'Will I be able to find better?" as well, just as you are feeling.

My advice to you is to really take a good, honest, introspective look at your relationship and see where the incompatibilities lie. You did mention some of it. I think one of the most important things is base communication. Does she laugh at the same things you laugh at? Does she react the way you expect when you tell her the stories of the day? When an inference comes on the radio/TV that you pick on, does she as well? Etc. And vice versa.

She may feel some/all of that stuff is off. And if it is and you are honest, you will see it is too. If that's off, you can't really do anything about it.

As far as the activity part, is she the one always planning activities? If it wasn't for her, would you guys be sitting at home all the time? There is something you can do about this, and the solution is obvious, be more active. Plan more things. I do feel this is easier said than done. Most people are fairly stuck in what they do and how active they are, but you can at least work on it.

My initial thought is that you are not a match. That said, people who are not matches stay together for longer periods and forever.

I also noticed that you said she is smarter than you and you listed that as a positive. It would be a negative for me. IMO, you never go for the smartest person you can get, you go for somebody who has a matching intelligence level.

Good luck.
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Old 07-08-2019, 11:07 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,022 posts, read 55,817,679 times
Reputation: 89809
My initial gut feeling was that's pretty much over, she might even met someone else or has other plans with her life.
She is just co-existing with you because you live together and it's cheaper/more convenient that way. For now.
I am sure there were many cues till it got that far. You missed them...
Sorry, buddy. Pay better attention next time.
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Old 07-08-2019, 12:13 PM
 
7,385 posts, read 11,563,104 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
She is just co-existing with you because you live together and it's cheaper/more convenient that way. For now.
I am sure there were many cues till it got that far. You missed them...
Sorry, buddy. Pay better attention next time.
That would be one heartless woman if that were true.

My friend was actually just dumped by his fiance and she moved out and paid him her share for the remainder of the lease ... couple of months.
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Old 07-08-2019, 04:32 PM
 
10 posts, read 2,100 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
That would be one heartless woman if that were true.

My friend was actually just dumped by his fiance and she moved out and paid him her share for the remainder of the lease ... couple of months.
How so? It sounds like he ignored her/his relationship long enough and realized too late there wasn't much of a relationship?
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Old 07-08-2019, 04:46 PM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,022 posts, read 55,817,679 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
That would be one heartless woman if that were true.

My friend was actually just dumped by his fiance and she moved out and paid him her share for the remainder of the lease ... couple of months.
We don't know. She obviously was unhappy for a quite a time. She tried to communicate.
He ignored it....
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Old 07-08-2019, 04:57 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,811 posts, read 70,635,877 times
Reputation: 76779
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You mean you wish it could be the way it was before she found out you were not very exciting, have a low energy level, low libido and work all the time?

I'm very sorry you're feeling sad. But you need to be realistic. You may be not be a match.

You've suggested counseling. She laughed. She suggested moving. You ... what? Ignored it?

Time to figure out if you're willing to change in any way and work a little harder to keep her interested, if that's even the best thing, or if you're just gonna sit there and be a fungible boyfriend.
Yeah, OP, now that you've written it all out, can you see what the issue might be?

OK, let's start with something that might be doable. Do you have to work so much? Is it really necessary? Are there other options?

Why is your energy level low? Might you have a low-level depression that could be addressed? Or are you tired a lot, because of working so much? You feel like you need your free time to decompress?

Some of this is stuff that could be worked on, but the overwork seems to be the lynchpin.
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Old 07-08-2019, 09:02 PM
 
7,385 posts, read 11,563,104 times
Reputation: 8188
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty99 View Post
How so? It sounds like he ignored her/his relationship long enough and realized too late there wasn't much of a relationship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
We don't know. She obviously was unhappy for a quite a time. She tried to communicate.
He ignored it....
Where do you see that?

If anything OP tried to communicate and she has said there is no problem when asked.

I do find it interesting that you guys immediately looked to blame OP in this situation.

Personally, I don't think either party is to blame.

Just sounds like a bad match to me.

Sounds like the woman is conflicted with having to dump and hurt him (or her), and OP is trying to hold on to someone they are emotionally attached to ... and both are understandable.

It also sounds to me like OP may be a woman. Maybe that will change your opinion of them, lol...
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:07 AM
 
2 posts, read 470 times
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Thanks all for your responses. It is hard to read about yourself, especially the negative. But I need an objective viewpoint, and have found a lot to think about with what's been said. To clarify, I'm not a woman. Have to admit a had a chuckle when I read that one.

It seems many here consider it to be over. I really don't know if she has lost all interest in me. She came home this evening with an upbeat demeanour. I smiled at her, and she smiled at me and kissed me. Is that the act of someone that has no interest in continuing any relationship whatsover, only living there for convenience? Not trying to answer the question, I really don't know. She has a sweet smile, maybe it's not meant for me.

To try and address a few things said. Regarding work, I don't know if the hours are exactly excessive. It varies, but probably average around 60 per week. 70 during a bad one. Maybe that's too much, I'm not sure. I don't know that I could get away with doing less.

Why I have low energy levels... I feel it's a bit like asking why someone is tall, or why someone likes the colour blue. I can't pinpoint why, I can't remember ever being different. It's not that I laze on the couch all day or anything like that, just don't seem to have the energy I notice others have. I don't think I'm depressed. Not happy, but not sad either.

"You mean you wish it could be the way it was before she found out you were not very exciting, have a low energy level, low libido and work all the time?"

Yes, I guess that's fair. I don't think I was ever pretending to be something I'm not, but I guess it took her a while to see what I am.

James, good post. I think I've assumed because we were a couple that the 'courtship' should naturally slow down. I have been making extra effort to go and do/see things with her, but she does like doing her own thing a lot of the time, which I'm fine with. I'm worried she might feel smothered if I start showing her a lot more attention. She has mentioned in the past that she has had clingy boyfriends, which I don't want to become. Any advice for that situation?

jobaba, I feel your post may be on the mark. I think she still has some feelings for me, and like you say it's difficult to walk away from that. We are quite in tune when we are together and I would say have similar humour and views on life. The problem is when she is distant like she currently is nothing seems to engage her in the way it used to. It feels like a wall has somehow come between us which I'm not sure how to break down. But possibly the most difficult thing is we still share moments like old times and I can't let go from. I try harder to find a way back and keep thinking the memory of her face is all I will have be left with and how I would go on from that.
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,358 posts, read 41,900,880 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post

To try and address a few things said. Regarding work, I don't know if the hours are exactly excessive. It varies, but probably average around 60 per week. 70 during a bad one. Maybe that's too much, I'm not sure. I don't know that I could get away with doing less.
I'll just tell you. It's an excessive amount of hours

Yeah, I get that many industries just work that way, but it makes it VERY hard to build and maintain a romantic bond, even if you live with someone.

With your being gone SO much she has to find ways to fill her time, and if you are always gone and you two don't actively work to keep that romantic bond between you, soon she won't really care if you're there or not. It's like, it will be nice to see you but she will have had to guard herself against that disappointment so that it doesn't keep hurting.

I think you need to trust your gut and understand that shared good times and a default relationship may not be enough for the long run.
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:41 AM
 
332 posts, read 85,401 times
Reputation: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post
...

James, good post. I think I've assumed because we were a couple that the 'courtship' should naturally slow down. I have been making extra effort to go and do/see things with her, but she does like doing her own thing a lot of the time, which I'm fine with. I'm worried she might feel smothered if I start showing her a lot more attention. She has mentioned in the past that she has had clingy boyfriends, which I don't want to become. Any advice for that situation?...

Yes, start dating her again and court her romantically about once a week, and make it as special as you can. Make her anticipate the date, tell her "we're doing something Friday night, so don't plan anything." This way you aren't clingy, and she will start anticipating dating again. However it can be too late, but it's worth a try. Also, during the week you give her loving words and affection like normal, but the dates should feel special.



Quote:
It feels like a wall has somehow come between us which I'm not sure how to break down.


This wall in her is a change in her feelings. A woman will hide her changing feelings from her current partner, even as she remains with him. Eventually she may act on her changed feelings and cheat or leave. What you don't know is what these feelings are, as you've been out of touch with her feelings. A man's #1 job is to stay in touch with her feelings, this means she trusts her man 100% with any feelings she has.



When she denies anything is wrong, she is hiding her changed feelings from you, and you should have been in touch with her feelings DAILY because they can change that quickly. I'm talking about her core feelings about your relationship, not surface emotions. To save the relationship you have to get back in touch with her feelings and create that its.me.and.you.together.always feeling in her. You had that before and you lost it. That's what you have to get back. However, people do change and relationships will come to an end when someone changes.One purpose of a relationship is to help each other grow in some way.
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