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Old 07-13-2019, 06:30 AM
823 posts, read 215,906 times
Reputation: 1370


Originally Posted by withywoods View Post
Hi all,

I wanted to get some impartial advice from the good people here. I've been reading these forums for a while but haven't posted anything until now. Not sure how to start so I'll just jump into it.

I feel my partner and I are drifting apart and I'm not sure how to set things to right. It's difficult to pinpoint what the problem is because there's no major issue between us, no fights, irreconcilable differences, anything like that. Yet we are more distant than we've ever been. She does not admit there is a problem, but I know there is one when she spends more time with her friends than me, comes home disinterested and does not want to talk about anything - very different to when we started dating. Everything is 'you decide', not interested to do anything, and I feel like we're just going through the motions at this point.

The thing is, I can't let her go! She is very intelligent (much more so than me); uses words like 'fungible', is attractive in a way I most certainly appreciate. I find her enigmatic, tantalising, has great capacity for emotion, and I think I may be forever searching trying to find someone like her again (to no avail). I know I will be filled with regret and sadness if we break up. The fact that she pretends that nothing is wrong is doing my head in. I even suggested couple's therapy, to which she laughed and asked what for.

I have been thinking about why she has been losing interest in me and have some ideas. I have faults which I freely admit. I'm not an exciting person, I have a low energy level and (apologies if TMI) a low libido, which I think may be an issue but which she has never explicitly said anything about. I also have no friends and work quite long hours. By contrast she has an active social life and many friends. We live in a fairly small town and she has often talked about moving to the big city. I think she may be getting bored of life here, and by extension me. I try to make things interesting in small ways, but it's a losing battle.

Is there anything that can be done to salvage this? I will be crestfallen if we break up. I can feel it happening and it feels like I'm slowly drowning. I wish we could be the way we were when we first met, but I think it might not ever be that way again.
I think her feelings for you may be mixed. She sounds very independent and she may appreciate that you have a passion for your work and are okay with the separate life she has with her friends -- given her complaint about clingy boyfriends. Maybe you have other personal qualities she values. It's obvious that you admire and appreciate her and she probably senses that. Her "you decide" comment is telling though. Do you always look to her to make decisions? That can get tiresome.

Also, maybe she is easily bored and seeks more novelty from life. Try to spice things up; plan a fun weekend away doing some activity that is new for both of you. Learn something new -- even if it's just exploring new wines and doing wine tastings in wine country, a cooking class, hiking, etc. helps a couple bond. How about about a couples retreat weekend?

You need to break the monotony.

P.S. Talk to your doctor about ways to improve your libido.

Last edited by Maddie104; 07-13-2019 at 06:45 AM..
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:24 AM
Location: Pittsburgh
22,572 posts, read 24,160,556 times
Reputation: 48996
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
That would be one heartless woman if that were true.

My friend was actually just dumped by his fiance and she moved out and paid him her share for the remainder of the lease ... couple of months.
Not everyone is in a financial position to be able to do something like that. Many people stay in bad relationships because they can't afford to leave--it's not heartless, it's practical.
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Old Today, 01:38 PM
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,079 posts, read 8,374,618 times
Reputation: 11565
I think what stands out most to me from your posts is you said you aren't depressed, but not really happy either. Why aren't you happy and what would make you happy? Maybe you need to start with yourself and go from there. You can't be happy with anyone else if you aren't happy with yourself.

It's hard to work on a problem with someone who won't admit there is one. No one here can tell you your girlfriend's intentions. Do you guys discuss the future? Have you talked about marriage or even just planning a vacation that's far out? If you've made every effort to try to talk to her about this and she isn't responsive, then again I think you need to work on yourself. Maybe take up a new hobby or start writing in a journal, work out and or do yoga, etc. Unless you are to the point where you're so certain she's checked out that you want to break up with her and get it over with, I would suggest pulling back a bit for some self reflection yourself. Plan some fun date nights and see if she is receptive, but being smothering or forcing the issue and wanting to talk about your relationship all the time might just further push her away if she's on the fence about your relationship.

Good luck. It really sucks to feel a partner pulling away and feeling helpless to correct the situation. I hope things work out for you.
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