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Old 07-08-2019, 06:11 AM
 
2 posts, read 470 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi all,

I wanted to get some impartial advice from the good people here. I've been reading these forums for a while but haven't posted anything until now. Not sure how to start so I'll just jump into it.

I feel my partner and I are drifting apart and I'm not sure how to set things to right. It's difficult to pinpoint what the problem is because there's no major issue between us, no fights, irreconcilable differences, anything like that. Yet we are more distant than we've ever been. She does not admit there is a problem, but I know there is one when she spends more time with her friends than me, comes home disinterested and does not want to talk about anything - very different to when we started dating. Everything is 'you decide', not interested to do anything, and I feel like we're just going through the motions at this point.

The thing is, I can't let her go! She is very intelligent (much more so than me); uses words like 'fungible', is attractive in a way I most certainly appreciate. I find her enigmatic, tantalising, has great capacity for emotion, and I think I may be forever searching trying to find someone like her again (to no avail). I know I will be filled with regret and sadness if we break up. The fact that she pretends that nothing is wrong is doing my head in. I even suggested couple's therapy, to which she laughed and asked what for.

I have been thinking about why she has been losing interest in me and have some ideas. I have faults which I freely admit. I'm not an exciting person, I have a low energy level and (apologies if TMI) a low libido, which I think may be an issue but which she has never explicitly said anything about. I also have no friends and work quite long hours. By contrast she has an active social life and many friends. We live in a fairly small town and she has often talked about moving to the big city. I think she may be getting bored of life here, and by extension me. I try to make things interesting in small ways, but it's a losing battle.

Is there anything that can be done to salvage this? I will be crestfallen if we break up. I can feel it happening and it feels like I'm slowly drowning. I wish we could be the way we were when we first met, but I think it might not ever be that way again.
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Old 07-08-2019, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,361 posts, read 41,900,880 times
Reputation: 83294
Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post
Hi all,

I wanted to get some impartial advice from the good people here. I've been reading these forums for a while but haven't posted anything until now. Not sure how to start so I'll just jump into it.

I feel my partner and I are drifting apart and I'm not sure how to set things to right. It's difficult to pinpoint what the problem is because there's no major issue between us, no fights, irreconcilable differences, anything like that. Yet we are more distant than we've ever been. She does not admit there is a problem, but I know there is one when she spends more time with her friends than me, comes home disinterested and does not want to talk about anything - very different to when we started dating. Everything is 'you decide', not interested to do anything, and I feel like we're just going through the motions at this point.

The thing is, I can't let her go! She is very intelligent (much more so than me); uses words like 'fungible', is attractive in a way I most certainly appreciate. I find her enigmatic, tantalising, has great capacity for emotion, and I think I may be forever searching trying to find someone like her again (to no avail). I know I will be filled with regret and sadness if we break up. The fact that she pretends that nothing is wrong is doing my head in. I even suggested couple's therapy, to which she laughed and asked what for.

I have been thinking about why she has been losing interest in me and have some ideas. I have faults which I freely admit. I'm not an exciting person, I have a low energy level and (apologies if TMI) a low libido, which I think may be an issue but which she has never explicitly said anything about. I also have no friends and work quite long hours. By contrast she has an active social life and many friends. We live in a fairly small town and she has often talked about moving to the big city. I think she may be getting bored of life here, and by extension me. I try to make things interesting in small ways, but it's a losing battle.

Is there anything that can be done to salvage this? I will be crestfallen if we break up. I can feel it happening and it feels like I'm slowly drowning. I wish we could be the way we were when we first met, but I think it might not ever be that way again.
You mean you wish it could be the way it was before she found out you were not very exciting, have a low energy level, low libido and work all the time?

I'm very sorry you're feeling sad. But you need to be realistic. You may be not be a match.

You've suggested counseling. She laughed. She suggested moving. You ... what? Ignored it?

Time to figure out if you're willing to change in any way and work a little harder to keep her interested, if that's even the best thing, or if you're just gonna sit there and be a fungible boyfriend.
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Old 07-08-2019, 06:33 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,639 posts, read 4,885,357 times
Reputation: 12549
All you can do is communicate and suggest counseling (again and tell her the reason why.) If she shuts it all down, then more than likely the relationship has run its course. Happens all the time. More often than not, someone often checks out of the relationship before the other one does. And someone is often ready for it to end, before the other person is. I'm sorry but time heals all wounds.
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Old 07-08-2019, 07:06 AM
 
10,217 posts, read 4,079,456 times
Reputation: 25855
What would you hope to get from counseling?

A good counselor would ask you what steps you can take to alleviate the things you know are negatives that you bring to the relationship.

So.

What steps can you take to alleviate the things you know are negatives that you bring to the relationship?
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Old 07-08-2019, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,797 posts, read 7,712,915 times
Reputation: 15089
There are thousands of guys out there that would love to step in her shoes, and that makes life interesting and fun for her. Unless she has clearly stated she wants to settle down with you and start a family, she's considering other offers.
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Old 07-08-2019, 07:54 AM
 
332 posts, read 85,401 times
Reputation: 672
Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post
Hi all,

I wanted to get some impartial advice from the good people here. I've been reading these forums for a while but haven't posted anything until now. Not sure how to start so I'll just jump into it.

I feel my partner and I are drifting apart and I'm not sure how to set things to right. It's difficult to pinpoint what the problem is because there's no major issue between us, no fights, irreconcilable differences, anything like that. Yet we are more distant than we've ever been. She does not admit there is a problem, but I know there is one when she spends more time with her friends than me, comes home disinterested and does not want to talk about anything - very different to when we started dating. Everything is 'you decide', not interested to do anything, and I feel like we're just going through the motions at this point.

The thing is, I can't let her go! She is very intelligent (much more so than me); uses words like 'fungible', is attractive in a way I most certainly appreciate. I find her enigmatic, tantalising, has great capacity for emotion, and I think I may be forever searching trying to find someone like her again (to no avail). I know I will be filled with regret and sadness if we break up. The fact that she pretends that nothing is wrong is doing my head in. I even suggested couple's therapy, to which she laughed and asked what for.

I have been thinking about why she has been losing interest in me and have some ideas. I have faults which I freely admit. I'm not an exciting person, I have a low energy level and (apologies if TMI) a low libido, which I think may be an issue but which she has never explicitly said anything about. I also have no friends and work quite long hours. By contrast she has an active social life and many friends. We live in a fairly small town and she has often talked about moving to the big city. I think she may be getting bored of life here, and by extension me. I try to make things interesting in small ways, but it's a losing battle.

Is there anything that can be done to salvage this? I will be crestfallen if we break up. I can feel it happening and it feels like I'm slowly drowning. I wish we could be the way we were when we first met, but I think it might not ever be that way again.

Yes you've identified the core problem. If you are not engaging with a woman with the BEST part of you- energy to go do things, amazing sex, meeting friends for fun, etc just about any woman is going to drift away from you. You have to get back to going out and doing fun things together. You will always have to do that. If you can't because you work to much etc, then the woman in your life will drift away, often emotionally at first, then by her behavior.

Now that you've identified the core problem, you have to change to become fun to be with around a woman. Say she likes dancing. No say she loves dancing. Well, learn how to dance and take her dancing. What is is she loves to do? All this takes time, effort and expense on your part. This is called courting her. To keep a woman from drifting away REQUIRES courtship. Always. And make it fun courtship- new places, trips, spontaneous (skinny dip), surprises, flowers, chocolate, etc.



Courtship is what tells her she is loved and desired. When you court her do two things: get to know her deepest feelings, and then be sure to be affectionate the way she likes. Also give her loving words from you to her. Doing this will allow her to feel CLOSE to you. And when she feels close to you, it will be near impossible for her to drift away.

What this means is you have to make time and effort to court her like I described above. That means planning fun things. It's really very simple:

1. plan and setup relaxing and fun things to do.

2. get to know her deepest feelings (she will do that if she feels she can trust you)

3. be affectionate how she likes

Simple steps. But these simple steps require planning, action, time, expense on your part. Dude, this is what it takes. It will work. The purpose of all this is to allow her to feel close to you. Woman want to connect with their loving feminine feelings to a man that provides her to do so. You have to make time and energy for a woman to feel close to you.
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Old 07-08-2019, 08:50 AM
 
10 posts, read 2,100 times
Reputation: 36
How long have you been together? I hate to say this but I bet there was a time when she tried working on things with you but you didn't participate. It sounds like she gave up and is doing her own thing. If there isn't sex and time spent you are just roommates. You can either hope she will continue the relationship or force the issue and counseling. The fact she laughed and asked what for doesn't sound good at all.
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Old 07-08-2019, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Long Island, New York
468 posts, read 167,711 times
Reputation: 1447
Quote:
Originally Posted by withywoods View Post

The thing is, I can't let her go!
You best learn to let her go or she will begin to use words like loser!
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Old 07-08-2019, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,692 posts, read 4,725,286 times
Reputation: 28176
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty99 View Post
You can either hope she will continue the relationship or force the issue and counseling. The fact she laughed and asked what for doesn't sound good at all.
"Force the issue"? You can't force someone who has completely given up on the relationship to go to counseling. That's one thing my former therapist told me: When a couple comes in and one of them says, "I'm done" it is well and truly over. No point in pressing on.

And she is done.

It seems to me that you looked to her to provide all the interest and excitement in your relationship, OP. You were just a taker. A non-participant. Yeah, that's every woman's dream.
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Old 07-08-2019, 09:30 AM
 
10 posts, read 2,100 times
Reputation: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
"Force the issue"? You can't force someone who has completely given up on the relationship to go to counseling. That's one thing my former therapist told me: When a couple comes in and one of them says, "I'm done" it is well and truly over. No point in pressing on.

And she is done.

It seems to me that you looked to her to provide all the interest and excitement in your relationship, OP. You were just a taker. A non-participant. Yeah, that's every woman's dream.
Well right now he isn't forcing the issue. He's just letting it be. She hasn't came out and said she was done as of now. He can either continue wondering when she will be done or "force the issue" out in the open by addressing it.
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