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Old 07-10-2019, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,709 posts, read 42,347,370 times
Reputation: 84296

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I won't push him into a vasectomy because I would like us to be able to decide for sure in a few yrs if we have a baby or not.
You said he had already decided.

This ^^^ sounds like you don't really believe him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I dunno what the "desire made flesh" stuff is....but he is serious about a vasectomy. He is a single man, no kids....& I believe he feels "too old" for them now.

 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:41 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You said he had already decided.

This ^^^ sounds like you don't really believe him.
He has decided he doesn't see kids in his future in 3 to 5 yrs! Ofc I would never push him into a vasectomy because I am the one that is undecided about it & wish we could decide later....
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,099 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21763
^ Yes (to what BirdieBelle was saying about pros and cons and relationships.)

And I would say, if I were in the situation of never having HAD kids, never knowing what it's actually like, and were considering all of the facts in a calm, rational way, I probably would not do it. If getting my tubes tied had been an option at age 18 before I got pregnant, accessible for me, I'd have done that instead. And I'd have no regrets, because it's hard to miss what you never know.

(If anyone did not know, doctors can be VERY reluctant, or even will flat out refuse to do tubal ligation if a woman hasn't already had a bunch of kids, isn't married, doesn't have her husband's approval, isn't as old as they think she ought to be, etc. Doctors usually give women a very hard time about getting the babymaker shut down.)

I think that weighing just pros and cons, as information...it makes a lot of sense to me, NOT to have kids.

But. Having done it though... As I said the, good is SO good, in emotional ways that nothing, not even being deeply in love, has ever been for me, that there is no way I'd undo that decision if I could. Not knowing how it feels. I don't think that any other experience in life can even come close to how some of those "Kodak moments" feel when they are happening, or even how the echoes feel in remembering them.

And as I've said...I don't even especially like kids, in general. But I've loved mine more than I've loved every other person and place and thing in all of reality put together. So. *shrug*

Last edited by Sonic_Spork; 07-10-2019 at 04:08 PM..
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,709 posts, read 42,347,370 times
Reputation: 84296
The whole thread has been based on your assertion that he does not want kids, and you are undecided, and that he is making sure you are ok with the idea that he doesn't want kids before you move in. He has been the one who is certain, while you are still deciding.

It turns out that you really don't believe he has decided, and that deep down you think he will change his mind in a few years when you are ready.

That's how it reads now anyway.

If he said he was getting a vasectomy tomorrow, how would you feel?
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,352 posts, read 45,161,054 times
Reputation: 13048
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Hi Ruth! I was asking what other people would or wouldn't do....because with me, I am not desperately wanting a baby...or not wanting a baby. I'm in the middle...& I wouldn't even want to think about one for 3 to 5 more yrs. The relationship matters to me too, ofc.

I'm too old for the baby thing now - but back in the day - I would have kicked you to the curb, with disconcerting alacrity, regardless of how hot you might be.



Child Free - Seig Heil! Or hit the road. That's how it works for me. Ambivalence is not in any way good enough.



In today's world, I would hope to be able to use OLD to sort and never even meet any women who want or think they might want children.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:56 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The whole thread has been based on your assertion that he does not want kids, and you are undecided, and that he is making sure you are ok with the idea that he doesn't want kids before you move in. He has been the one who is certain, while you are still deciding.

It turns out that you really don't believe he has decided, and that deep down you think he will change his mind in a few years when you are ready.

That's how it reads now anyway.

If he said he was getting a vasectomy tomorrow, how would you feel?
That's how you are reading it...........but read my posts & you will see I said I believe him & this is *my* decision to make. I only *WISH* we could make it later....because it's hard for me to make a final decision on something I would not be ready for right now anyways. I said all of that too.

If he got a vasectomy tomorrow....I'd still feel as I have been feeling when I think about all of it. A little sad and *final* at the loss....but still very happy & in love....
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:57 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 1,486,269 times
Reputation: 17283
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Do you think this is a common reason for dating couples to call it quits...if one person wants kids & the other doesn't? Do you think most people discuss it before it would be time to plan one?
I don't know if it is common, but this is too important a decision to marry someone not in complete agreement with you. In fact, I think that for many people, it is the most important question.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,352 posts, read 45,161,054 times
Reputation: 13048
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
^ Yes (to what BirdieBelle was saying about pros and cons and relationships.)

And I would say, if I were in the situation of never having HAD kids, never knowing what it's actually like, and were considering all of the facts in a calm, rational way, I probably would not do it. If getting my tubes tied had been an option at age 18 before I got pregnant, accessible for me, I'd have done that instead. And I'd have no regrets, because it's hard to miss what you never know.

(If anyone did not know, doctors can be VERY reluctant, or even will flat out refuse to do tubal ligation if a woman hasn't already had a bunch of kids, isn't married, doesn't have her husband's approval, isn't as old as they think she ought to be, etc. Doctors usually give women a very hard time about getting the babymaker shut down.)

I think that weighing just pros and cons, as information...it makes a lot of sense to me, NOT to have kids.

But. Having done it though... As I said the, good is SO good, in emotional ways that nothing, not even being deeply in love, has ever been for me, that there is no way I'd undo that decision if I could. Not knowing how it feels. I don't think that any other experience in life can even come close to how some of those "Kodiak moments" feel when they are happening, or even how the echoes feel in remembering them.

And as I've said...I don't even especially like kids, in general. But I've loved mine more than I've loved every other person and place and thing in all of reality put together. So. *shrug*

Freudian slip? Is a Kodiak moment when you climb to the top of the tree, but the Kodiak bear quits halfway up?
 
Old 07-10-2019, 04:08 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by katharsis View Post
I don't know if it is common, but this is too important a decision to marry someone not in complete agreement with you. In fact, I think that for many people, it is the most important question.
We are only moving in together...not marriage. But, if I was sure I wanted kids ...knowing he doesn't see them in his future anymore...yes, ita with you. Some girls grow up thinking about being a mom....that was never me. I can't say I *didn't* want kids either......just thought I'd wait until I found my man & we would decide.....
 
Old 07-10-2019, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,099 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21763
Quote:
Originally Posted by M3 Mitch View Post
Freudian slip? Is a Kodiak moment when you climb to the top of the tree, but the Kodiak bear quits halfway up?
ROFL! Thanks for the catch. And the funny mental image. I hate typos.

Maybe it's how some run from having kids, like they're being chased by a Kodiak bear...
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