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Old 07-11-2019, 09:24 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,297 posts, read 303,165 times
Reputation: 1141

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
OK ok...

I see lots of tangents. I want to focus on the area that Tasha is trying to work through here.

This man is very sure that he does not want to have kids. DO. NOT. go into this thinking you can talk him out of a vasectomy and maybe he'd be happier if he had a kid but he just doesn't know it yet, and perhaps there could be some flexibility. I won't mince words. That is manipulative.

Accept what he says. He does not want to become a father. Respect that. You don't get to make that kind of a choice for another person.

So you need to check in with some things, with your heart, and get a handle on what is very important to you and what isn't.

How hard has it been, in your life, to find love? For me it was easy to find people to date or have sex with, even to form a relationship with, but it was NOT easy (at all!) to find a partner where we both felt love for each other to a high degree at the same time. Knowing that, I'm thrilled with the man I have. Is this man that kind of special to you? Are you truly in love with him? Is he truly in love with you? And in general do other things look good on paper for a long term relationship? Like no one is an addict or a user, you have similar values in general, there are no hardcore disconnects that are going to become untenable?

Because right now, I'm getting UNCERTAINTY on the children issue. Like you might be able to be happy not having them, but you'd sort of thought you would one day, and you're trying to work out if you can live life with that completely off the table. Well, do you love him enough to sacrifice the possibility of motherhood? Or do you love the idea of motherhood enough to sacrifice him? That's what it sorta comes down to. A real relationship with a man in front of you...or a life choice that carries risk, it may or may not go as you would like.

It sounds like you've nearly made up your mind, but you want some affirming nudges that it will work out and be ok. Well, you know you better than we do. Do you think you will be resentful one day when you're past the point of fertility and did not have children of your own? Or can you imagine looking at this man, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, and saying, "It was worth it. He was worth it."...? But of course, in terms of weighing risk, even another day of life on earth is not a guarantee for either one of you, or for anyone. You say he is older...can you be at peace with losing him one day and not having children in your life either? (I say this as a woman with a partner 20 years older than me, and kids on the brink of moving out, I expect to live alone one day, but I'm ok with that.)

Another question for you...if you love children, do you have extended family, where you could become involved in the lives of other people's children? Like do you have nieces or nephews? And if not, could you perhaps become involved in some kind of an organization where you get to read to or mentor other people's children? My Great Aunt never had her own kids, but she took me in for about a year when I was a teenager, and we became very close. She also admired the son of one of her friends, and decided to pay for his entire college education, just because she thought he was smart and a good kid and she wanted to do it. Sometimes the child-free can still be hugely beneficial influences in the lives of young people, if they so choose. Would that sort of thing fulfill you, or does it have to be giving birth and raising your OWN kid?
Thank you...there have been lots of tangents of people thinking they know him...or me....better than we know each other. I am *not* thinking I can change his mind......I didn't ask how to change his mind, the thread was started about how many people would choose to stay ...or go... if their Bf/Gf felt differently.

I am not that girl that grew up loving or wanting kids.....I never really thought about it either way. I never thought I did *not* want them either. There is no shortage of love in my life & that shouldn't be why someone has a baby anyway. It's the *finality* to it.....that gets me a little.....but there are no guarantees in life anyway.

 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:30 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,297 posts, read 303,165 times
Reputation: 1141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Because it has nothing to do with this thread or this particular topic really. You're just opening yourself up to scrutiny and judgement. Also it contradicts what you claim you stand for. If you don't want "strangers" to speculate about your life (people you also seem to need reassurance from for your feelings) don't put out details that could open you up to "judgement."
I don't claim to stand for anything.......I'm not someone who thinks a baby is my biological destiny....& I am not someone who needs to be independent at all costs. I only needed to know........I could make a choice to leave if I had to & could support myself in a city with a very high cost of living, if it came down to that. People are making it about "stands"...or thinking they know me better than I know myself.......& I don't need reassurance from anyone. Look at my O.P......... I asked what other people would do out of curiosity & wondered how common this might be. Or if couples even talk about it in advance.......I did not ask what I should do. It's my decision......
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Sugarland
13,790 posts, read 12,819,652 times
Reputation: 16679
Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
I married my wife because sheís the most important thing to me. We have two kids which Iím grateful for but if she wanted no kids I would have been happy with her as well.
That makes sense to me. I think the focus should be on finding the right partner and if marriage and then kids are the result, great! If no kids, at least you found the right partner. I think itís much easier to end up in the wrong relationship if youíre too focused on finding someone because you want children so badly.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:33 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,297 posts, read 303,165 times
Reputation: 1141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
That makes sense to me. I think the focus should be on finding the right partner and if marriage and then kids are the result, great! If no kids, at least you found the right partner. I think itís much easier to end up in the wrong relationship if youíre too focused on finding someone because you want children so badly.
Thank you....ita & I am so surprised there are not more responses like this.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:33 AM
 
159 posts, read 31,830 times
Reputation: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Thank you...there have been lots of tangents of people thinking they know him...or me....better than we know each other. I am *not* thinking I can change his mind......I didn't ask how to change his mind, the thread was started about how many people would choose to stay ...or go... if their Bf/Gf felt differently.

I am not that girl that grew up loving or wanting kids.....I never really thought about it either way. I never thought I did *not* want them either. There is no shortage of love in my life & that shouldn't be why someone has a baby anyway. It's the *finality* to it.....that gets me a little.....but there are no guarantees in life anyway.
Out of a large number of couples; the majority would break up... some would stay together hoping with time their partner will change but eventually break up... and some would just stay together and live with regret or acceptance.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:41 AM
 
3,252 posts, read 1,710,279 times
Reputation: 9017
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Thank you....ita & I am so surprised there are not more responses like this.

There aren't because that's not the question asked. You asked if someone would break up over the kids issue. That's different than what SLS said (and I agree with).
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,670 posts, read 42,301,907 times
Reputation: 84175
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post

People are making it about "stands"...or thinking they know me better than I know myself.......& I don't need reassurance from anyone. Look at my O.P......... I asked what other people would do out of curiosity & wondered how common this might be. Or if couples even talk about it in advance.......I did not ask what I should do. It's my decision......
I think you should stop pretending that you started this thread out of curiosity, when it's really something that you are dealing with yourself and it took only about 5 posts from you for that to come out:


Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I know....which is what it makes it so hard to sort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I haven't wanted kids all my life or anything & I don't feel it is some sort of biological destiny....but that's why it makes it so hard because part of me did think I probably would be a mom some day. I was a stepmom for a couple of years. That has encouraged...& discouraged....me in ways so it comes back to being confused on the subject.

My Bf is older & that is part of the reason he does not necessarily see kids in his life anymore...but I am young enough that to have kids in 3 to 5 years would be Ok.
… which is fine, because people ask questions about problems they are dealing with all the time. Only a few back into it as if they are tossing out a general question for the group.

Being incompatible doesn't make this issue "hard to sort." It makes it very easy to sort, because it means two people will not be able to sustain a relationship if they don't agree on this issue.

You've hinted at what makes it hard to sort, using words like "the finality", etc. Your gut is telling you that you are NOT ready to move in with him, period, because doing so would mean you are agreeing to being child free. It's so easy to see from here, but it is very hard to see when you are in the middle of the situation.

It's hard to accept the idea that you should walk away from what feels like a good thing because something deep down inside makes you uncomfortable about sacrificing something you think you will want in the future.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:46 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,297 posts, read 303,165 times
Reputation: 1141
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
So let's say he's completely honest, here. As others have smartly noted, knowing this, you basically need to be certain, if you're going to invest in time with him, that you are a-ok with categorically not having children, not just now, but in the future.

It doesn't sound like you're personally there, yet.
I love him & I know he loves me. I met him a year ago so there is already time invested. I value our relationship & I feel very *lucky* to have found him. It happening twice....just so I can have a baby....is not likely IMO. Lots of people don't find it once........I know because I was married before & it was *nothing* like my current relationship. I needed to be sure I was there because of the finality to it....& I am.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:53 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,297 posts, read 303,165 times
Reputation: 1141
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I think you should stop pretending that you started this thread out of curiosity, when it's really something that you are dealing with yourself and it took only about 5 posts from you for that to come out:






Ö which is fine, because people ask questions about problems they are dealing with all the time. Only a few back into it as if they are tossing out a general question for the group.

Being incompatible doesn't make this issue "hard to sort." It makes it very easy to sort, because it means two people will not be able to sustain a relationship if they don't agree on this issue.

You've hinted at what makes it hard to sort, using words like "the finality", etc. Your gut is telling you that you are NOT ready to move in with him, period. It's so easy to see from here, but it is very hard to see when you are in the middle of the situation.

It's hard to accept the idea that you should walk away from what feels like a good thing because something deep down inside makes you uncomfortable about sacrificing something you think you will want in the future.
My *gut* is not telling me that.....just you. I don't want to walk away from him. I love him....even more now because he was honest about the future he sees & gave me the chance to make my own mind up about it.....there are lots of guys that would have just said sure sure....kids someday...sure & then stuff happens & it would never happen anyway.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,670 posts, read 42,301,907 times
Reputation: 84175
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
My *gut* is not telling me that.....just you. I don't want to walk away from him. I love him....even more now because he was honest about the future he sees & gave me the chance to make my own mind up about it.....there are lots of guys that would have just said sure sure....kids someday...sure & then stuff happens & it would never happen anyway.
I didn't say walk away from him.

There's no reason you have to MOVE IN right now. You can still have a relationship and maintain your autonomy at least until you two have cycled through a full year in the same city.

I see you making SO many mistakes of thought here.

You are so affected by your previous relationship that what you have with him looks **amazing** to you. It may be really great, but you're in telltale rebound mode.

You would be wise to be more cautious. The idea that at 30 you would NEVER meet someone else you could build a life with is just immature.

I'm sure this cowboy you're with is awesome. But you need to let this relationship be tested by more than what you've had.
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