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Old 07-11-2019, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,872 posts, read 42,193,303 times
Reputation: 50915

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Thank you....ita & I am so surprised there are not more responses like this.
For this to be the case, there would need to be a majority of respondents where marriage is highly valued, but children are viewed as incidental, take-or-leave byproducts.

There are some people like this. I don't believe it's a majority stance, however. For many/most people, having children is either an actual, active desire, or a definite no...not a more lukewarm, "maybe, but if not, oh, well" proposition.

It seems like you hoped to find that more people are in that last category, whether because you're in that category, or for some other reason, and are surprised that's not the case. But, yeah, most people do have a firmer stance on the idea of becoming parents.

 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:57 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
There aren't because that's not the question asked. You asked if someone would break up over the kids issue. That's different than what SLS said (and I agree with).
It's the same thing.......finding the right *partner* & sticking with him, instead of breaking up to try to find a relationship for a baby. I am divorced & was a stepmom....I never was sure about a baby anyways!
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:02 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
For this to be the case, there would need to be a majority of respondents where marriage is highly valued, but children are viewed as incidental, take-or-leave byproducts.

There are some people like this. I don't believe it's a majority stance, however. For many/most people, having children is either an actual, active desire, or a definite no...not a more lukewarm, "maybe, but if not, oh, well" proposition.

It seems like you hoped to find that more people are in that last category, whether because you're in that category, or for some other reason, and are surprised that's not the case. But, yeah, most people do have a firmer stance on the idea of becoming parents.
This is just *silly*. They are not incidental byproducts....& that is why my Bf & I have given this a lot of serious thought & discussion between us.... because you don't just have babies to have them. BUT...in order to have a baby ...you should first have a wonderful relationship. Too many go after the baby 1st or don't *think* about it. I went after the wonderful relationship............
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:13 AM
 
3,244 posts, read 1,707,021 times
Reputation: 8936
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I didn't say walk away from him.

There's no reason you have to MOVE IN right now. You can still have a relationship and maintain your autonomy at least until you two have cycled through a full year in the same city.


I see you making SO many mistakes of thought here.

You are so affected by your previous relationship that what you have with him looks **amazing** to you. It may be really great, but you're in telltale rebound mode.

You would be wise to be more cautious. The idea that at 30 you would NEVER meet someone else you could build a life with is just immature.

I'm sure this cowboy you're with is awesome. But you need to let this relationship be tested by more than what you've had.

(I see what you did there )



Birdie is right -- and I will add that you keep talking about the finality of deciding whether you want kids or not when you don't even know if THIS guy is the right GUY long term. Long distance is a start of a relationship but it's not really as telling as BEING around the person in daily life, which you've only done for a few months since moving there. How is he in a crisis? How is he with your family? How is he with HIS family? What kind of stress will be added to the marriage from existing external factors and how would he deal with it?



There are a million things that are hard to know unless there is more time. Moving in together would make it harder to leave emotionally if either of you decides there's no future.



I do think it's great that he was honest with you. I have to wonder though -- if you have been stating all along that you've been ambivalent about kids, why doesn't he trust that you ARE ambivalent? Do you think you've given off any vibes that contradict this? He must sense that you might regret it later. That's something to explore. He might need reassurance that you really ARE ambivalent even if you're saying it.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:17 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I didn't say walk away from him.

There's no reason you have to MOVE IN right now. You can still have a relationship and maintain your autonomy at least until you two have cycled through a full year in the same city.

I see you making SO many mistakes of thought here.

You are so affected by your previous relationship that what you have with him looks **amazing** to you. It may be really great, but you're in telltale rebound mode.

You would be wise to be more cautious. The idea that at 30 you would NEVER meet someone else you could build a life with is just immature.

I'm sure this cowboy you're with is awesome. But you need to let this relationship be tested by more than what you've had.
What Cowboy? My ex & I did move to Texas as part of the Toyota relo....but I moved out of there. I was not deeply affected by him....it was a very short marriage with no kids. It was not abusive.... but it was rushed & happened sooner that it should have. My old marriage has *NOTHING* to do with my current Bf........just that I know I am a billion times happier than I ever was with my ex. I have already dated my current Bf longer than I dated my ex before we got married.......lesson learned. I'm not marrying my Bf...just moving in with him. I'm not making any mistakes....if it doesn't work when we live together, I move out. I practically live at his place anyway....except when he is out of town or one of us has something else planned for the evening.

There is no reason I HAVE TO move in.......I WANT to move in with him. I will still have my autonomy....& have the ability to leave if I need to or want to....& the support of lots of new friends. You should write in forums where there are girls making terrible decisions to stay where there is abuse or have no way to support themselves....or get married at 21.....or have babies at 18 or 22 without a stable relationship or job. These are sad mistakes that can impact their lives forever......

I can meet someone else......I don't want to. I love my Bf.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,725 posts, read 4,944,555 times
Reputation: 12730
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I don't claim to stand for anything.......I'm not someone who thinks a baby is my biological destiny....& I am not someone who needs to be independent at all costs. I only needed to know........I could make a choice to leave if I had to & could support myself in a city with a very high cost of living, if it came down to that. People are making it about "stands"...or thinking they know me better than I know myself.......& I don't need reassurance from anyone. Look at my O.P......... I asked what other people would do out of curiosity & wondered how common this might be. Or if couples even talk about it in advance.......I did not ask what I should do. It's my decision......
Sorry. I don't buy it but whatever helps you sleep at night. In the thread (that got shut down) you started about moving in with him, all you talked about was how independent you were and how you are not some sad little girl who needs to be rescued, but now you say you don't need to be independent all the time? It seems you like swinging back and forth when its convenient, which is fine. If that's how you want to carry yourself.

If you don't need other people to make a decision this thread was kind of pointless. Also just for future reference, for people who are just curious, they don't make the subject about themselves personally. They ask a "general question." You failed keep it general, you immediately revealed your personal situation from the start. And you explaining yourself and your clear feelings of discomfort (that you refuse to acknowledge) proves my point. Like I was saying before, you have to move a little better and stop setting yourself up for this kind of scrutiny.

Good luck.


Last edited by Auraliea; 07-11-2019 at 10:28 AM..
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,655 posts, read 42,273,122 times
Reputation: 84136
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post

I was not deeply affected by him....it was a very short marriage with no kids. It was not abusive.... but it was rushed & happened sooner that it should have. My old marriage has *NOTHING* to do with my current Bf........just that I know I am a billion times happier than I ever was with my ex. I have already dated my current Bf longer than I dated my ex before we got married.......lesson learned. I'm not marrying my Bf...just moving in with him. I'm not making any mistakes....if it doesn't work when we live together, I move out. I practically live at his place anyway....except when he is out of town or one of us has something else planned for the evening.

There is no reason I HAVE TO move in.......I WANT to move in with him. I will still have my autonomy....& have the ability to leave if I need to or want to....& the support of lots of new friends. You should write in forums where there are girls making terrible decisions to stay where there is abuse or have no way to support themselves....or get married at 21.....or have babies at 18 or 22 without a stable relationship or job. These are sad mistakes that can impact their lives forever......

I can meet someone else......I don't want to. I love my Bf.
You're only proving my point.

Just please, for your sake, practice paying attention to your gut. It's telling you everything you really should be listening to.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:29 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Sorry. I don't buy it but whatever helps you sleep at night. In the thread (that got shut down) you started about moving in with him, all you talked about was how independent you were and how you are not some sad little girl who needs to be rescued, but now you say you don't need to be independent all the time? It seems you like swinging back and forth when its convenient, which is fine. If that's how you want to carry yourself.

If you don't need other people to make a decision this thread was kind of pointless. Also FYI, for people who are just curious, they don't make the subject about themselves personally. They ask a "general question." You failed keep it general, you immediately revealed your personal situation from the start. And you explaining yourself and your clear feelings of discomfort (that you refuse to acknowledge) proves my point. Like I was saying before, you have to move a little better and stop setting yourself up for this kind of scrutiny.

Good luck.

I don't need you to *buy* I am independent...I am & I am able to support myself, even in a city that has a very high cost of living. Loving my Bf...or wanting a life with him... doesn't change who I am.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:32 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You're only proving my point.

Just please, for your sake, practice paying attention to your gut. It's telling you everything you really should be listening to.
No relationship is guaranteed.......but we've taken it slow & I know I can support myself in the Bay Area without him. You are telling me what you think I need to know but your advice would be better fit for young women who have babies young or who don't have jobs or a means to support themselves, so they get stuck with men who are abusive or have no jobs & can't get out.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,046 posts, read 7,413,283 times
Reputation: 21662
FWIW (which ain't much--it's your life! lol) I do also support the notion of giving yourself time. Just in general.

Mostly because it's what I did and I think it worked out really well.

When I left my ex, I signed a year long lease on my cute little apartment. My son and I lived there and there really wasn't room for any guy to move in. I was wary because when I got out on my own as a teenager at 18, every guy I dated wanted to move into my place and get serious, and I wish I'd had better boundaries. I figured after a long, not great and sometimes horrible marriage, I should give myself a defensible space with no romantic interest even able or allowed to swoop in on it, for the duration of at least a year (a lease.) I wound up renewing for another 6 months after that.

I'd known the man who is now my fiance for almost 2 years (yes, before I moved out of my ex's house where I was living in a spare bedroom for a time following the breakup) when we finally did move in together.

And there were financial savings when we moved in together, I get the logistical motivation, but I still believe I did the right thing in taking my time. However, we did live close to one another, just a ten minute drive between us, when I was in my apartment. So that was nice. I spent the night with him once a week.

Of course, even now, living together, we still maintain separate spaces. He has the basement, which is quite nice, and I've got my master bedroom upstairs. I sleep in his room about once a week. Our work schedules aren't the same, he often works nights, so this helps us to not interfere with one another's rest. But the point is, we created the living situation that works for us. And the slower path to escalation, to living together, to talking about marriage...it really feels healthier than anything I've ever jumped into more quickly.

But while I have this opinion and everything, I don't think that it's very much related to the question you were asking us here. And like most times where someone posts a thread like this one (I've done it in my past, myself!) you already kinda know what you're going to do. You are not wanting to break up, or to even slow your progress in your plans with this fella. You know that. So asking for support in giving up on the idea of children, well, it is what it is. You've decided what you're doing, and you want some validation in it. People may or may not agree, but defending your position is just making you feel more solid in it. I see what you're doing as a pretty human thing to do. So it doesn't annoy me that I might say, "Slow down, that's my advice" and you are fairly likely to not follow it.

It's your life! Good luck. I hope it all works out wonderfully for you. I really do!
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