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Old 07-08-2019, 04:32 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,725 posts, read 4,942,207 times
Reputation: 12730

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Often times it's a fundamental incompatibility that I believe will eventually cause the demise of a relationship whether it be quick or slow. In most cases, since "love" is a HUGE variable, people try to stick it out but it usually causes one partner to resent the other. In other cases some people will "give in" due to other circumstances that can occur in life. Illness could cause infertility in one partner and the other one stays out of love/obligation. It could help them accept that they won't have children because it wasn't their fault. And many other things can happen. It ultimately depends on the people involved.

 
Old 07-08-2019, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,652 posts, read 42,257,113 times
Reputation: 84111
In my mind, "choosing" whether or not to have kids is a luxury, but for women especially it's a luxury that has a deadline.

It's easy to float along thinking you may or may not choose to have children one day, especially when you are in the honeymoon stages with a new love. But honestly this is a decision that has to be made without your partner as a factor. You have to know going in whether YOU will regret NOT choosing to be a mother because your boyfriend didn't want kids.

Most every single time, sacrificing your own happiness to keep a partner happy is a recipe for future marital discord. Choosing not to have children must come from YOUR own desire not to have them. And you need to beware if your list of reasons is just a repeat of your partner's reasons.

In my experience, people who don't want kids REALLY don't want kids, and there's no changing their minds. One way I've heard to test your own desire is to imagine that your current relationship didn't work out and your next boyfriend really wanted kids. Would you be excited and relieved or unenthusiastic?

Marriage works best when both parties can compromise, but this is not one of those situations where compromise is possible. You really have to know yourself and know what you want so that you can live with whatever decision you make.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 04:48 PM
 
7,649 posts, read 3,009,598 times
Reputation: 12613
I didn’t want to have kids, married someone who wanted to have a lot. Knew I’d have changing feelings as the years went on, and so would he. Changed my mind and “tried” for 5 years after marriage, then got pregnant right before 30. I stopped at one, knowing shortly thereafter I’d be doing it alone. I don’t have any regrets about having a baby, but I had to do it because I wanted to. People change, they die, they become ill mentally or physically, don’t count on someone else to make all of your dreams come true, do what you think is best for you.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 04:50 PM
 
7,649 posts, read 3,009,598 times
Reputation: 12613
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
In my mind, "choosing" whether or not to have kids is a luxury, but for women especially it's a luxury that has a deadline.

It's easy to float along thinking you may or may not choose to have children one day, especially when you are in the honeymoon stages with a new love. But honestly this is a decision that has to be made without your partner as a factor. You have to know going in whether YOU will regret NOT choosing to be a mother because your boyfriend didn't want kids.

Most every single time, sacrificing your own happiness to keep a partner happy is a recipe for future marital discord. Choosing not to have children must come from YOUR own desire not to have them. And you need to beware if your list of reasons is just a repeat of your partner's reasons.

In my experience, people who don't want kids REALLY don't want kids, and there's no changing their minds. One way I've heard to test your own desire is to imagine that your current relationship didn't work out and your next boyfriend really wanted kids. Would you be excited and relieved or unenthusiastic?

Marriage works best when both parties can compromise, but this is not one of those situations where compromise is possible. You really have to know yourself and know what you want so that you can live with whatever decision you make.
GMTA, again.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 04:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,652 posts, read 42,257,113 times
Reputation: 84111
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post

GMTA, again.
As always!
 
Old 07-08-2019, 05:27 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post

Most every single time, sacrificing your own happiness to keep a partner happy is a recipe for future marital discord. Choosing not to have children must come from YOUR own desire not to have them. And you need to beware if your list of reasons is just a repeat of your partner's reasons.

In my experience, people who don't want kids REALLY don't want kids, and there's no changing their minds. One way I've heard to test your own desire is to imagine that your current relationship didn't work out and your next boyfriend really wanted kids. Would you be excited and relieved or unenthusiastic?

Marriage works best when both parties can compromise, but this is not one of those situations where compromise is possible. You really have to know yourself and know what you want so that you can live with whatever decision you make.
Ita....but what makes it so hard for me is that I don't know if I *really* want kids or I *really* don't...kinda in the middle. If I was going to have kids...I'd want it to be about 3 to 5 yrs. away, by the time I am in my mid 30s. Three to five yrs. away for him he feels he will be "too old"...& he really feels it already so he is pretty sure he does not want kids & so he wants to make sure I feel the same so I have the chance to leave if that is what I want.... I don't doubt we can have a good life without kids....BUT

It's not easy to try to predict how I will feel about it in the future.....& even tho I am not the type to think about having a baby.....never having that experience with him.....is so "final".
 
Old 07-08-2019, 05:35 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,137 posts, read 71,175,093 times
Reputation: 77264
OP, if you stop and think about it, you'll realize, that the option to NOT break up due to a difference in wanting kids or not, doesn't exist. It's only a question of WHEN the breakup would happen. You (hypothetical "you") can break up pro-actively, before the issue comes to a head, or you can avoid stating your preference, knowing it differs from your bf's, and wait for the inevitable to occur years down the road. The chances that the other partner will change their mind are very slim. So, it's kind of a nonsensical question, from that perspective.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-08-2019 at 06:43 PM..
 
Old 07-08-2019, 05:44 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,677 posts, read 33,567,648 times
Reputation: 32464
What else is there to do if y’all don’t match mindsets on this? The merciful thing for both parties is to break up so no more time is wasted and there is as little resentment as possible. Not that complicated.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 05:46 PM
 
3,746 posts, read 1,470,975 times
Reputation: 7355
yes.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 05:49 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
What else is there to do if y’all don’t match mindsets on this? The merciful thing for both parties is to break up so no more time is wasted and there is as little resentment as possible. Not that complicated.
That's just it tho.... it's hard to decide because I don't feel having a baby is some sort of *have to* or biological destiny. Just that I kind of thought I eventually would....so it's making a decision if having a baby is more important for me...or the relationship is.
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