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Old 07-11-2019, 03:41 PM
 
Location: California
921 posts, read 253,139 times
Reputation: 2625

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
A N D... lots of couples have a *very* happy life together without kids.
Yes. The only people I think who should try to have kids for sure are those who've always longed to be a parent. If you have a dream, I think you should always go for the dream no matter how hard it might be.

But my point with my earlier post that people were criticizing is that if it's NOT your dream, it makes sense to avoid it because it's incredibly hard. It's not that we should avoid all hard things, it's that we should pick our battles in life and use our resources wisely. We only have so many breaths, so many days, so many heartbeats, so much energy to use... Choosing to be a parent means a LOT of those resources are going to go into those new humans you're creating. For people who are meant to be parents, that's probably one of the most beautiful acts of giving that anyone could experience.

But for those not meant to be parents or who choose not to be, avoiding parenthood frees up a HUGE amount of resources you can use for other exciting things. It's almost like winning the lottery in a way. You make a single choice to never have kids and you instantly have much more money, time, and energy for your own life. At least compared to if you would've had children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I could also risk leaving my Bf over this....& never find another relationship.
That's always my main concern for the person when I see dilemmas like this. So many people will say "break up and find someone you can have kids with" as if "finding someone" is like going to the store and picking someone out.

The main reason I never had kids is I never met anyone. I don't think I'm suited for kids at all so it's a good thing that likely happened for a reason, but... I tried hard to find someone for all my 20s and it never worked out.

Maybe I'm just not the type to easily find love. There are people who seem to fall in love a week after being single and are always in relationships, so maybe for that type of person who loves and attracts easily, it's less a big deal.

It's kind of a big mathematical equation based on how much you love this person, how easy you think it would be to find someone else you really love, how badly you wanted kids, how happy you think you could be without kids, etc.

You have to balance all that to get a feel for what's best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
All worth it...EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT.
I think whether you do it or not, that's probably how you'll feel. If you have a baby, you'll most likely feel like it's worth it. And as a childfree person, I have the same feelings while I'm comfortably sleeping in, enjoying my dreams for long as I wish in a quiet place without anyone bugging me or anyone to worry about feeding or caring for. I can just...be. It's worth it. Either path is worth it because I believe the right things happen to us in our lives. I don't really believe we can make "mistakes" as big as this. Some people might regret having/not having kids but our path is always our path for a reason. I believe different souls come here on different missions and to learn different things. It's all about taking the path that feels destined for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
That makes sense to me. I think the focus should be on finding the right partner and if marriage and then kids are the result, great! If no kids, at least you found the right partner.
Yes. Unless you have the mental and financial resources to raise a kid solo. If so, there's always the option of having sex with some random person or getting sperm donated.

 
Old 07-11-2019, 05:19 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
13,788 posts, read 12,809,663 times
Reputation: 16656
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
Yes. The only people I think who should try to have kids for sure are those who've always longed to be a parent. If you have a dream, I think you should always go for the dream no matter how hard it might be.

But my point with my earlier post that people were criticizing is that if it's NOT your dream, it makes sense to avoid it because it's incredibly hard. It's not that we should avoid all hard things, it's that we should pick our battles in life and use our resources wisely. We only have so many breaths, so many days, so many heartbeats, so much energy to use... Choosing to be a parent means a LOT of those resources are going to go into those new humans you're creating. For people who are meant to be parents, that's probably one of the most beautiful acts of giving that anyone could experience.

But for those not meant to be parents or who choose not to be, avoiding parenthood frees up a HUGE amount of resources you can use for other exciting things. It's almost like winning the lottery in a way. You make a single choice to never have kids and you instantly have much more money, time, and energy for your own life. At least compared to if you would've had children.



That's always my main concern for the person when I see dilemmas like this. So many people will say "break up and find someone you can have kids with" as if "finding someone" is like going to the store and picking someone out.

The main reason I never had kids is I never met anyone. I don't think I'm suited for kids at all so it's a good thing that likely happened for a reason, but... I tried hard to find someone for all my 20s and it never worked out.

Maybe I'm just not the type to easily find love. There are people who seem to fall in love a week after being single and are always in relationships, so maybe for that type of person who loves and attracts easily, it's less a big deal.

It's kind of a big mathematical equation based on how much you love this person, how easy you think it would be to find someone else you really love, how badly you wanted kids, how happy you think you could be without kids, etc.

You have to balance all that to get a feel for what's best.



I think whether you do it or not, that's probably how you'll feel. If you have a baby, you'll most likely feel like it's worth it. And as a childfree person, I have the same feelings while I'm comfortably sleeping in, enjoying my dreams for long as I wish in a quiet place without anyone bugging me or anyone to worry about feeding or caring for. I can just...be. It's worth it. Either path is worth it because I believe the right things happen to us in our lives. I don't really believe we can make "mistakes" as big as this. Some people might regret having/not having kids but our path is always our path for a reason. I believe different souls come here on different missions and to learn different things. It's all about taking the path that feels destined for you.

Yes. Unless you have the mental and financial resources to raise a kid solo. If so, there's always the option of having sex with some random person or getting sperm donated.
It isnít my personal belief that women should intentionally get pregnant knowing that they are going to be a single parent. I donít believe thatís an ideal situation for a child regardless of how many resources the single parent has. However, I have a coworker who adopted a very young foster child when she was in her late 40s and sheís a single parent. She never married or had any children of her own, but she still wanted to be a mother, and I certainly think itís great that she was able to provide a home to a child in need instead of just intentionally creating a single parent situation by getting pregnant outside of a stable marriage.
 
Old 07-11-2019, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Maryland Heights, MO
3,305 posts, read 7,037,433 times
Reputation: 2036
A good friend of mine had often said "he had no interest in getting married" He had several long term girlfriends during the early years of our friendship, and plenty of short term girlfriends as well. In front of his last "long term" girlfriend he routinely said "he had no interest in ever getting married" ... didn't sound like he was "wiggling" in his belief...end result, she ended it. He was left scratching his head - we all told him "ya can only say that so many times, and if she wants to get married...well, she will find someone else who does too".

And she did, she was married within a year and a half of them breaking up. Found a new boyfriend, hit it off for a few months, and boom...hitched.

He went along on the dating scene. Eventually rebuilt a connection with a friend he knew from high school (who he never dated). She'd been married and divorced and had two children, and sure enough they hit it off...guess what, now he's married too. And just had a kid. Ya never know, but truthfully if a person says they're not interested in getting married, or having kids...ya gotta take them for their word. Its better to be on the outside looking back at them, then stuck in a relationship where you and your partner have very different goals!
 
Old 07-12-2019, 09:56 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by flynavyj View Post
A good friend of mine had often said "he had no interest in getting married" He had several long term girlfriends during the early years of our friendship, and plenty of short term girlfriends as well. In front of his last "long term" girlfriend he routinely said "he had no interest in ever getting married" ... didn't sound like he was "wiggling" in his belief...end result, she ended it. He was left scratching his head - we all told him "ya can only say that so many times, and if she wants to get married...well, she will find someone else who does too".

And she did, she was married within a year and a half of them breaking up. Found a new boyfriend, hit it off for a few months, and boom...hitched.

He went along on the dating scene. Eventually rebuilt a connection with a friend he knew from high school (who he never dated). She'd been married and divorced and had two children, and sure enough they hit it off...guess what, now he's married too. And just had a kid. Ya never know, but truthfully if a person says they're not interested in getting married, or having kids...ya gotta take them for their word. Its better to be on the outside looking back at them, then stuck in a relationship where you and your partner have very different goals!
He found the right one to marry after all........it might just take the *right* person sometimes. Love is unpredictable!
 
Old 07-12-2019, 10:54 AM
 
2,113 posts, read 579,347 times
Reputation: 1379
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
He found the right one to marry after all........it might just take the *right* person sometimes. Love is unpredictable!
Not necessarily, he may have regretted not marrying the last g/f, saw that the ex g/f got hitched in under 2 years, and decided, "****, I missed out, the next woman I date, I BETTER marry!"

And there ya go. The last g/f was a catalyst for him to get married to the next g/f he lands.
 
Old 07-12-2019, 11:26 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Not necessarily, he may have regretted not marrying the last g/f, saw that the ex g/f got hitched in under 2 years, and decided, "****, I missed out, the next woman I date, I BETTER marry!"

And there ya go. The last g/f was a catalyst for him to get married to the next g/f he lands.
Ok...that might be....I didn't read that much into it........
 
Old 07-12-2019, 11:44 AM
Lou
 
286 posts, read 114,987 times
Reputation: 443
If I wanted children and she didn't, how could I expect her to go through pregnancy and childbirth and be happy in motherhood? If she wasn't fully onboard with being a mother, where would that leave the kids? It's possible that motherhood might grow on her, but it's not my place to bank on her being wrong about herself.

If I didn't want children and she did, how could I deprive her of that? How would the first words out of my mouth not be, "You go find a great father for those children you want to have." On one hand, I'd feel about her lost opportunity. On the other hand, I'd worry that she'd try to get pregnant regardless of my wishes.
 
Old 07-12-2019, 11:49 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lou View Post
If I wanted children and she didn't, how could I expect her to go through pregnancy and childbirth and be happy in motherhood? If she wasn't fully onboard with being a mother, where would that leave the kids? It's possible that motherhood might grow on her, but it's not my place to bank on her being wrong about herself.

If I didn't want children and she did, how could I deprive her of that? How would the first words out of my mouth not be, "You go find a great father for those children you want to have." On one hand, I'd feel about her lost opportunity. On the other hand, I'd worry that she'd try to get pregnant regardless of my wishes.
If she tried to get pregnant knowing how you felt....that would be about the worst kind of betrayal in a relationship. IMO not many women would do that because they would have to know....the relationship is over if they did. They might just as well go find another man if they want a baby that bad.......one that would be happy about it.....instead of putting themselves through that kinda stuff.
 
Old 07-14-2019, 10:00 AM
Lou
 
286 posts, read 114,987 times
Reputation: 443
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
If she tried to get pregnant knowing how you felt....that would be about the worst kind of betrayal in a relationship. IMO not many women would do that because they would have to know....the relationship is over if they did. They might just as well go find another man if they want a baby that bad.......one that would be happy about it.....instead of putting themselves through that kinda stuff.
It happens enough for a man to be mindful of the possibility. Sometimes she'll try to pass it off as an innocent accident. Sometimes she'll think she has him pegged as the kind of man who will feel duty-bound to stay. Sometimes, she'll want a baby so much that she'll accept the probability of him leaving. Along with the men who have been gutted by that worst betrayal are the men who don't know it happened to them (which doesn't make it any better).

Last edited by Lou; 07-14-2019 at 10:22 AM..
 
Old 07-14-2019, 10:25 AM
 
403 posts, read 76,346 times
Reputation: 749
I'm a woman in my mid 30s and I don't want children but if I met someone I really loved who did, I wonder if I could be persuaded if he did half or the bulk of the child rearing. I don't want to be a SAHM and get bored if I don't work. I also do not want to carry a child or give birth to it so I'd definitely prefer adoption or looking after someone else's kids instead.
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