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Old 07-08-2019, 07:36 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I'm very glad it helped.

However ...

The fact that you are only just now having this discussion:



... is pretty crappy.

I mean, I know y'all have only been in the same city for about 6 months, but you've been talking to him longer than that, and at your ages this should have come up already.

Is this the first time that you've heard him say definitively that he doesn't want kids? Because for him to not have told you until now would be pretty ******.
No...he has told me how he felt. It's more me trying to decide if I really want kids or not. It has come up Birdie....many many times, just not as seriously as it is now.

 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,652 posts, read 42,257,113 times
Reputation: 84111
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
When I first moved...we didn't know if we would last a month....so talking about kids seriously then would be impossible. We had to see if the relationship was going to work...


That was the point of my earlier post.

Your wanting to be a mother is supposed to be a decision you make for you. YOU. It's not supposed to be dependent on whichever boyfriend you're with at the time.

It can and should come up even on the first date because, as part of who you are or who you plan to be, it's that much of a dealbreaker.

So you two should be able to know how far down the road you're going to even go.

You may not have thought you would NEED to decide because you assumed you'd be with someone closer to your own age. But for someone who's still undecided at your age, this is part of the real risk of dating an older guy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post

It has come up Birdie....many many times, just not as seriously as it is now.
He must sense something.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:42 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post


That was the point of my earlier post.

Your wanting to be a mother is supposed to be a decision you make for you. YOU. It's not supposed to be dependent on whichever boyfriend you're with at the time.

It can and should come up even on the first date because, as part of who you are or who you plan to be, it's that much of a dealbreaker.

So you two should be able to know how far down the road you're going to even go.

You may not have thought you would NEED to decide because you assumed you'd be with someone closer to your own age. But for someone who's still undecided at your age, this is part of the real risk of dating an older guy.
Birdie...but the point for me...is that I am not one of those girls who always wanted to have a baby. I'm not one that was certain I did not want one either. I want an amazing relationship first...before I could *think* about a baby anyway......

I am making the decision for me...but feeling confused about it.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:43 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post



He must sense something.
What would he need to sense? We have talked about it very seriously.......
 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:45 PM
 
7,649 posts, read 3,009,598 times
Reputation: 12613
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
No...he didn't...& missing my stepson doesn't really have much to do with making the decision or not if I was going to have a baby of my own.
It does in that itís what made me think you had the opportunity to know what it feels like to be a mother. Discussing your experience with him, and having him tell you that wonít be in your future with him, would have to have had some kind of impact either way. It seems like youíre making the sacrifices, if there are any to be made in this relationship.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,652 posts, read 42,257,113 times
Reputation: 84111
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post

I am making the decision for me...but feeling confused about it.
Yes, it is a really, really tough situation.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 07:56 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
It does in that itís what made me think you had the opportunity to know what it feels like to be a mother. Discussing your experience with him, and having him tell you that wonít be in your future with him, would have to have had some kind of impact either way. It seems like youíre making the sacrifices, if there are any to be made in this relationship.
If he feels he is too old to father a baby now....or for any reason...I can't force him to have a baby so that he makes the sacrifice & not me. So...ofc I am the one in this who would have to compromise....

Being a stepmem gave me the opportunity to know what it feels like to be a *stepmom*, not a mom......it's not really part of my decision about wanting my own baby or not. The hardest part is that I think about having the experience with him.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 08:08 PM
 
998 posts, read 281,532 times
Reputation: 2808
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique View Post
It would have been a non-starter, to begin with. I didn't invest time or energy in interests or "suitors" who presented with fundamental incompatibilities.
Pretty much this. As others have said, I won't even get involved with a man who wants kids; why even get attached when you know it won't work? I let them know very early on in the relationship that I don't want kids, will not have kids, and if they want them, I am not the person for them.

I'm not even sure if I'd get involved with someone who wants them but says he'd forgo having them for me. Ten years down the road I wouldn't want to be dealing with his regret and resentment.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
That's just it tho.... it's hard to decide because I don't feel having a baby is some sort of *have to* or biological destiny. Just that I kind of thought I eventually would....so it's making a decision if having a baby is more important for me...or the relationship is.
Then it's something you need to think about. Many people just kinda sorta assume they will, because "everyone" does... and realize later they're not happy with having done it. Bringing another human being into the world shouldn't be something you just fall into because eh, why not or eh, you didn't prevent it or eh, you never really thought about it.

Be around kids a lot. Borrow friends' kids. All of this not necessarily when they're happy and well-fed and healthy and don't need a diaper change. Spend the night with a friend who has a newborn and sleep where you can hear the baby every time it cries; do this preferably for more than one night in a row (and if you volunteer to get up and change the diapers and give the bottle, you'll probably also be your friend's hero...). Ask friends how much it costs to have a kid and think what you'd have to give up. Ask them how much time they have for themselves and think what you'd have to give up (and, if your hobby conflicted in time with your kid's, are you okay with giving up yours?). Decide whether you want your future identity to be nothing more than "Maddees'un's mom" in some contexts, and whether you might be okay with giving up your dream to foster someone else's. Ask your friends what damage their kids did to their house, or what nice things they can't have because kids might ruin them, or what they would have done or bought if they didn't have kids. What would happen/would you do if your child was severely disabled or ill, possibly to the point that they could never be independent and would need care all of their life?

If that stuff is worth it to you, then do it. If any of it makes you go "ewwww never," keep thinking.

Talk to your partner about what you want out of parenting, parenting styles, etc. and make sure you agree. Talk to your partner and make sure you have a strong relationship before you bring kids into the mix. Ask yourself carefully, and be honest with yourself about, why you want kids-- because "it's what you do" or to further your genetic material or to see what a child of yours looks like or to give the child the life you always wanted (or to try to mold the child into what you always wanted to be) or to have someone to take care of you when you're old (yes, all of these are real reasons some people have kids). Consider whether playing with the kids of friends/family members or volunteering with kids might satisfy your urge without you having to take them home.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The way I've read about this kind of idea is that you have to think of it from the perspective of your future self ... what you'll be giving up. That each of us has a life and a "sister life" that we'll never know. And it may help you to realize that no matter what you choose, there is going to be a loss.

If you choose this relationship, you will give up your chance to be a mother.

If you choose to be a mother, you are giving up the relationship with this particular man.

Knowing that there is loss either way can help you pivot from thinking you have to make "the right" choice, to just making a decision.

But kicking this particular can down the road can have serious emotional and physical consequences.
And, to add to this: which would you regret more? Having them, or not having them?

(Remembering that-- not to seem biased but-- if you regret not having them, it will mostly be wondering what might have been. If you regret having them, not only does it affect two lives-- yours and theirs-- but your "what might have been" could include "what could I have been/had/done?")


As far as waiting... frankly, I wouldn't want to have a kid in my mid-thirties, let alone later. You'll be older than your kids' friends parents. You won't have as much energy to chase around a small child. You could be approaching retirement as they're going to college. When you need care when you get older, they're going to have to do this younger, and will have to lose their parents younger than their peers do.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 08:08 PM
 
153 posts, read 29,618 times
Reputation: 318
Tasha, sounds like you want the option of having kids someday and he definitely doesn't want them, ever. There is no way to work around this at all.

I'm not advising you one way or another, but if you stay with him you're choosing no kids of your own. That's it
 
Old 07-08-2019, 08:16 PM
 
2,172 posts, read 1,717,350 times
Reputation: 2740
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
That's just it tho.... it's hard to decide because I don't feel having a baby is some sort of *have to* or biological destiny. Just that I kind of thought I eventually would....so it's making a decision if having a baby is more important for me...or the relationship is.
Maybe adopt later, if time is of essence now (biologically speaking).
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