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Old 07-08-2019, 10:53 PM
 
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It’s never a good thing to not have some form of unison in the trajectory of a relationship, “Love” only accounts for so much.

 
Old 07-08-2019, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Middle America
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Of course. It's probably one of the most, if not the most, essential areas of compatibility...because it's one area where there really is no compromise.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 11:26 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Of course. It's probably one of the most, if not the most, essential areas of compatibility...because it's one area where there really is no compromise.
Ita...if both are "adamant" about their position....but I was *curious* if there were many who would not be.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,859 posts, read 42,181,812 times
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So, wait, your question is really "Can it work if both people are ambivalent on having kids?"

Because that wasn't how I read your initial inquiry.
 
Old 07-08-2019, 11:51 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
So, wait, your question is really "Can it work if both people are ambivalent on having kids?"

Because that wasn't how I read your initial inquiry.
No...my posts have said there is confusion because I am not adamant about having a baby...it's not like I think it's my biological destiny BUT...I did not necessarily think I would not ever have one either.....
 
Old 07-09-2019, 05:38 AM
 
2,113 posts, read 579,347 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Do you think this is a common reason for dating couples to call it quits...if one person wants kids & the other doesn't? Do you think most people discuss it before it would be time to plan one?
It was a deal breaker with one of the women I dated. She was 40, and I didn't really take her seriously as far as wanting them. At least that's what I was thinking. When we first met, we had the "having kids" conversation, but we really never got into the seriousness of it because we really liked each other otherwise. Push came to shove about a month later and she revealed to me that her last ex didn't want kids after 5 yeas into the relationship. He was my age (mid 40s), too. That was the sole reason they broke up.

Kind of wish she mentioned that in the beginning, but we were really into each otherwise. I was like "At this age, you expect a man in his mid-40s to want kids , most of them are already single dads anyway". She said she wanted to foster. I was like " You can do that as a single woman, I know a few single women that did this".
 
Old 07-09-2019, 06:39 AM
 
998 posts, read 281,532 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
No...my posts have said there is confusion because I am not adamant about having a baby...it's not like I think it's my biological destiny BUT...I did not necessarily think I would not ever have one either.....
Eventually you're going to need to decide anyway. At some point in your life, soon, you are going to need to say, "Yes, I am going to start trying to have a baby now" or "No, I am not going down that path."

If you want kids 3-5 years in the future, now is that time to start putting yourself on that trajectory: finding someone who wants them, developing the relationship to the point that the two of you are ready for them, and then start trying to get pregnant (which for some people can take a long time, especially as they get older, so don't think that if you're ready RIGHT NOW that you're going to get pregnant tomorrow). That will put you 3-5 years out from now.

But you can't just keep drifting along trying to keep all of your options open, or eventually the decision will be made for you: you'll never get around to having kids, or you'll dawdle so long the time to do so will pass, because you never made that definite decision to do so. Look, I like having options as much as or more than the next person, but eventually the time comes to make a decision; there's no halfway about having kids. You just keep saying, like a broken record, "well I kinda don't wanna but I kinda don't not wanna." That's not any sort of answer; that's waffling.

Maybe now is a good time for you to really decide how you want the rest of your life to go. Take my suggestions for finding out what the parent experience is truly like, search yourself and your personality and what you want out of life, talk with a counselor to help you weigh the pros and cons and figure out what you truly want if talking to someone will help, and then act accordingly to all you have learned.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
I didn't really take her seriously as far as wanting them.
Always take people seriously when they tell you what they want. To do otherwise assumes they're both stupid and don't know who they are, and possibly that what they want doesn't matter (and, assuming I'm too dumb to know what I want is probably a dealbreaker, too).

(Usually I see the opposite of this, where she says "I don't want kids" and ten years later they're getting divorced because he admits he thought she didn't really mean it/would change her mind, and now he's ready to pop a few out any day now when she had no idea he changed the rules of the game.)
 
Old 07-09-2019, 07:28 AM
 
7,649 posts, read 3,009,598 times
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Good point. It took 5 years of being off of bc before I became pregnant. Something to think about anyway.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 07:29 AM
 
639 posts, read 271,000 times
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I think so, yes.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 08:08 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Good point. It took 5 years of being off of bc before I became pregnant. Something to think about anyway.
I'm not trying to get pregnant, tho....so it is not really something to think about.
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