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Old 07-09-2019, 08:16 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post



Always take people seriously when they tell you what they want. To do otherwise assumes they're both stupid and don't know who they are, and possibly that what they want doesn't matter (and, assuming I'm too dumb to know what I want is probably a dealbreaker, too).

(Usually I see the opposite of this, where she says "I don't want kids" and ten years later they're getting divorced because he admits he thought she didn't really mean it/would change her mind, and now he's ready to pop a few out any day now when she had no idea he changed the rules of the game.)
I do take him seriously when he tells me he is not seeing kids in his future at his age anymore & we aren't even engaged or have been together long enough to decide about marriage.....or kids. That's what makes it hard for me....it feels so final, but I really think I'm Ok with it....

It could take me 3 or 5 yrs. to find another relationship as good....& if I did, there is no guarantee he would want kids either.

 
Old 07-09-2019, 01:12 PM
 
7,649 posts, read 3,009,598 times
Reputation: 12613
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I'm not trying to get pregnant, tho....so it is not really something to think about.
My point was, you can picture being ready in 5 years, it may not turn out that youíre able to get pregnant immediately, thatís all.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,033 posts, read 7,407,885 times
Reputation: 21659
I think it's like anything. How important is it to you? If it's not that important to you, then you could be flexible with whatever a partner wants. What sucks is when people are not honest...unfortunately, being honest with yourself is the first and hardest part.

I did not want kids. I don't really like kids in general, and had no plan to have any. My ex just sorta nodded and smiled and went along like he was fine with that. But I was young, and did not have health insurance with my job, and didn't really know how to find resources to stay on birth control at the time (this was before the internet, where one can find out anything about anything.) My family had pretty much abandoned me, and there I was with this older man, poor and desperate and trying to live, no clue about much of anything. We were using condoms, and one night that failed. Though the odd thing was, it did not fail in any way that the eye could see. Nothing appeared to be amiss. I actually suspect now, he may have tampered with it, because all those years later, when we were divorcing, he told me "All I ever wanted was to be a father. My second wife and I tried and tried, she miscarried 18 times but we kept trying." I didn't know that! If he'd said anything about any of that to me when we were first together, I don't think I'd have even dated him.

Of course when I actually became pregnant, I was flooded with brain altering chemicals that rendered me completely in a shmoopy happy world of magical motherhood, utterly in love with my baby-to-be and not caring one bit about all the reasons I didn't want to have children or how hard life was or anything. And a couple of years later, I decided that if I had one child, two would be best, and we conceived our younger son on purpose.

I often think that my sons were the only part of that relationship that were not a mistake, because I love them dearly. Yet I also feel very betrayed, because I feel like he tricked me into becoming a Mother, and I didn't really intend or want to do that. Not when I was in my right mind anyhow. But whatever bitterness I bear, I don't place it on my kids. Sometimes on myself. I see the changes that having kids wrought on my body, permanent changes, and I am miserable that because I gave that to him, I cannot be my most appealing possible self for the man I am now with, that I love beyond words. I feel like the me of today was robbed by the man of 20+ years ago, and I let it happen.

So moral of story, if you want kids, freaking say so, and if you don't want kids, freaking say so, and if you don't agree, then let that person go so that neither of you wind up full of regrets and bitterness one day. That's what I think.

And yet again, even as I say this...I would not wish my sons out of existence, either. I would not give up the years and memories of their lives, given the choice. So it's...well, it's a bit confusing, I guess.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 01:44 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
My point was, you can picture being ready in 5 years, it may not turn out that youíre able to get pregnant immediately, thatís all.
I can't picture being *ready* in 5 yrs now.....especially because my Bf has said he does not think being a Dad is in his big picture anymore. *IF* I decided I wanted kids.....it wouldn't be until 3 to 5 yrs from now that I could maybe see it. BUT...thank you because reading stuff like this makes me see how impractical it is to try to plan a baby over staying in a fabulous relationship with a man I love.....when I never started to date him as a way to find a baby daddy in the 1st place. It is something we had to agree before taking the next step of moving in together....plans for the future or where we are going....
 
Old 07-09-2019, 01:52 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I think it's like anything. How important is it to you? If it's not that important to you, then you could be flexible with whatever a partner wants. What sucks is when people are not honest...unfortunately, being honest with yourself is the first and hardest part.

I did not want kids. I don't really like kids in general, and had no plan to have any. My ex just sorta nodded and smiled and went along like he was fine with that. But I was young, and did not have health insurance with my job, and didn't really know how to find resources to stay on birth control at the time (this was before the internet, where one can find out anything about anything.) My family had pretty much abandoned me, and there I was with this older man, poor and desperate and trying to live, no clue about much of anything. We were using condoms, and one night that failed. Though the odd thing was, it did not fail in any way that the eye could see. Nothing appeared to be amiss. I actually suspect now, he may have tampered with it, because all those years later, when we were divorcing, he told me "All I ever wanted was to be a father. My second wife and I tried and tried, she miscarried 18 times but we kept trying." I didn't know that! If he'd said anything about any of that to me when we were first together, I don't think I'd have even dated him.

Of course when I actually became pregnant, I was flooded with brain altering chemicals that rendered me completely in a shmoopy happy world of magical motherhood, utterly in love with my baby-to-be and not caring one bit about all the reasons I didn't want to have children or how hard life was or anything. And a couple of years later, I decided that if I had one child, two would be best, and we conceived our younger son on purpose.

I often think that my sons were the only part of that relationship that were not a mistake, because I love them dearly. Yet I also feel very betrayed, because I feel like he tricked me into becoming a Mother, and I didn't really intend or want to do that. Not when I was in my right mind anyhow. But whatever bitterness I bear, I don't place it on my kids. Sometimes on myself. I see the changes that having kids wrought on my body, permanent changes, and I am miserable that because I gave that to him, I cannot be my most appealing possible self for the man I am now with, that I love beyond words. I feel like the me of today was robbed by the man of 20+ years ago, and I let it happen.

So moral of story, if you want kids, freaking say so, and if you don't want kids, freaking say so, and if you don't agree, then let that person go so that neither of you wind up full of regrets and bitterness one day. That's what I think.

And yet again, even as I say this...I would not wish my sons out of existence, either. I would not give up the years and memories of their lives, given the choice. So it's...well, it's a bit confusing, I guess.
I am so sorry....but I know you must love your sons. Some of those changes....is what scares me to think about but even more......how it changes the relationship or your life. I got a little taste of it when I was a stepmom but that was not 24.7. That's why it is so hard to seriously consider it now.....because we are not married or even engaged. It's like I have to make a decision I wouldn't be ready for right now anyway ...& make it now! Not because he is forcing one....because I kinda am. I want to know I'm not wasting my time to move in with him....if I think I will want kids in a few yrs. So...I've been doing all kinds of serious thinking about it & some posts have really helped.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 02:04 PM
 
6,311 posts, read 2,933,201 times
Reputation: 16022
Yes.
And did.

If you don't want kids. Make it permenant. Get spade or neutered. That's how you hold yourself accountable for sticking to your convictions.

Last edited by Nov3; 07-09-2019 at 02:14 PM..
 
Old 07-09-2019, 02:08 PM
 
1,620 posts, read 603,868 times
Reputation: 3482
TashaPosh --

Yes, for myself, I would not continue in a relationship where my partner did not want children. I do not think this is a subject that would necessarily come up immediately in a relationship. But I would discuss the subject at an appropriate time as you get to know each other better. If the person comes out with "I do not want children", at the end of that date, I would explain I would be ending the relationship as any sort of romantic one.

However, if I were married to a partner who was physically incapable of having children, I do not believe that would be a reason for divorce. If I were dating a person who was physically not able to have children; well, that would be a decision I would need to think about at the time.

Good luck to you!
 
Old 07-09-2019, 02:18 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Yes.
And did.

If you don't want kids. Make it permenant. Get spade or neutered. That's how you hold yourself accountable for sticking to your convictions.
Yes....he was talking about having a vasectomy so birth control would no longer be a problem for us. That's why this would be so *final*.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 04:31 PM
 
6,959 posts, read 3,927,915 times
Reputation: 15779
Since you bf has said he does not want kids, how does he envision his life? Family life takes up a lot of time, energy, and money and also hopefully provides many sorts of rewards. If not a family, what is it that he does hope and plan for his life? At 31 you may also benefit from thinking about this in terms of your own life.

The man I broke up with wanted the freedom to "do his own thing" with almost no real responsibilities for anyone else. He wasn't selfish really, but he didn't want to have any "obligations" that would impinge on his activities. He had many different interests, many friends, was rather eccentric, and lots of fun. He never even married actually.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 07:17 PM
 
998 posts, read 281,532 times
Reputation: 2808
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I'm not trying to get pregnant, tho....so it is not really something to think about.
But if you have kids, you'll need to be pregnant at some point, eh?

So if you want to have kids five years down the road, and if it took you five years to get pregnant, then you'd need to start trying now, wouldn't you? What if you didn't decide to start thinking about it until it's five years from now, and then you gotta find a guy, and create a stable relationship, and then it takes you another five years to get pregnant?


Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I do take him seriously when he tells me he is not seeing kids in his future at his age anymore & we aren't even engaged or have been together long enough to decide about marriage.....or kids. That's what makes it hard for me....it feels so final, but I really think I'm Ok with it....

It could take me 3 or 5 yrs. to find another relationship as good....& if I did, there is no guarantee he would want kids either.
This wasn't directed to you, but okay.

And no, there's no guarantee a new guy would want kids either... that's why you talk about it first thing and don't waste your time with people who don't want what you want. And yes, it's precisely my point that it could take you 3-5 years to find another relationship and get it to the point that kids are a viable option, so if you want kids 3-5 years from now, you'd better start looking for that relationship, shouldn't you?


The impression I am getting from you on this thread is that you want to decide to have kids one day and they magically appear with no planning on your part. That you're hoping you can just coast along and everything will just fall into place the way you want it. That you don't want to actually have to make a decision on this (but as Rush says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"), or take any action. That's not the way it works.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
when I never started to date him as a way to find a baby daddy in the 1st place.
It's not about using someone as a "baby daddy." It's about being with someone who wants what you want out of life, so your relationship has a chance of working out, with everyone still happy.


Frankly, you sound like you've made your decision and you want to stay with this guy. That's fine, but it means you won't be having kids, unless you want to go through this again in several years when you (and he) have invested even more time in the relationship. He's made it clear: he doesn't want kids so much that he will take permanent steps to make sure it doesn't happen. If you decide down the road that you want kids, it won't be with him. So you might as well figure out now what you want, because as I said, you can keep kicking this can down the road and eventually through indecision get to the point where you're no longer able to conceive at all and the choice has been made for you.
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