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Old 07-09-2019, 08:37 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Since you bf has said he does not want kids, how does he envision his life? Family life takes up a lot of time, energy, and money and also hopefully provides many sorts of rewards. If not a family, what is it that he does hope and plan for his life? At 31 you may also benefit from thinking about this in terms of your own life.

The man I broke up with wanted the freedom to "do his own thing" with almost no real responsibilities for anyone else. He wasn't selfish really, but he didn't want to have any "obligations" that would impinge on his activities. He had many different interests, many friends, was rather eccentric, and lots of fun. He never even married actually.
He's older...so he has been living his life for yrs. without kids already. He has his career, his friends & family, hobbies he loves & he does a little "pro bono"? work too so alot to keep him busy & responsibilities too.......and his relationship with me ofc.

 
Old 07-09-2019, 08:51 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
But if you have kids, you'll need to be pregnant at some point, eh?

So if you want to have kids five years down the road, and if it took you five years to get pregnant, then you'd need to start trying now, wouldn't you? What if you didn't decide to start thinking about it until it's five years from now, and then you gotta find a guy, and create a stable relationship, and then it takes you another five years to get pregnant?




This wasn't directed to you, but okay.

And no, there's no guarantee a new guy would want kids either... that's why you talk about it first thing and don't waste your time with people who don't want what you want. And yes, it's precisely my point that it could take you 3-5 years to find another relationship and get it to the point that kids are a viable option, so if you want kids 3-5 years from now, you'd better start looking for that relationship, shouldn't you?


The impression I am getting from you on this thread is that you want to decide to have kids one day and they magically appear with no planning on your part. That you're hoping you can just coast along and everything will just fall into place the way you want it. That you don't want to actually have to make a decision on this (but as Rush says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"), or take any action. That's not the way it works.




It's not about using someone as a "baby daddy." It's about being with someone who wants what you want out of life, so your relationship has a chance of working out, with everyone still happy.


Frankly, you sound like you've made your decision and you want to stay with this guy. That's fine, but it means you won't be having kids, unless you want to go through this again in several years when you (and he) have invested even more time in the relationship. He's made it clear: he doesn't want kids so much that he will take permanent steps to make sure it doesn't happen. If you decide down the road that you want kids, it won't be with him. So you might as well figure out now what you want, because as I said, you can keep kicking this can down the road and eventually through indecision get to the point where you're no longer able to conceive at all and the choice has been made for you.

I know it means I won't be having kids...kinda why I started the thread & why I have been thinking it through & talking about the *finality* to it. There are no guarantees in life....and chasing after the unknown for another relationship when I have a fabulous 1 in front of my face seems *silly*. If I can't decide if I want kids or not.....it also is silly to start planning my life or ending a relationship around it. Some of the advice you gave...is better fit for someone who knows she wants a baby someday with no doubt in her mind. That's not me.

I wish I didn't have to make it a decision *now* but I don't expect kids to appear magically.....what makes you say something so silly?
 
Old 07-09-2019, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,655 posts, read 52,925,611 times
Reputation: 71049
It's weird. I was with my ex for 7 years and I knew she didn't really want kids and it didn't really bother me one way or another (I suppose I could take or leave kids at that point).

Now I'm married (obviously to someone else) and I have 2 kids and I think I must've been a true doofus because having kids is the best thing and the most fun I've ever had.

Then again, I think my subconscious knew I had to break up with her bc one thing I said to myself (and others) regarding her flakiness and irresponsibility was how I could never feel comfortable raising kids with her.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 09:03 PM
 
6,516 posts, read 3,497,122 times
Reputation: 10338
Unless one is willing to compromise their position forever, this is pretty cut and dry. The fat lady sang....it's over.
 
Old 07-09-2019, 09:11 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
It's weird. I was with my ex for 7 years and I knew she didn't really want kids and it didn't really bother me one way or another (I suppose I could take or leave kids at that point).

Now I'm married (obviously to someone else) and I have 2 kids and I think I must've been a true doofus because having kids is the best thing and the most fun I've ever had.

Then again, I think my subconscious knew I had to break up with her bc one thing I said to myself (and others) regarding her flakiness and irresponsibility was how I could never feel comfortable raising kids with her.
If she was so flaky & irresponsible....why would you stay with her for 7 yrs? If my Bf was flaky & irresponsible, this would be an easy decision because I would not even be considering moving in with him in the 1st place.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 04:57 AM
 
3,243 posts, read 1,705,706 times
Reputation: 8923
My husband and I had always seen ourselves with kids but were both OK with not having them too. In the end it was sort of decided for us because when we got married I was pushing 40 and then we started having stressors of terminally ill parents on both sides. Eventually we got too old to have kids (and didn’t have the money to adopt or do artificial means).

Now I’m in my 50s and not having kids is my single biggest regret in life -- although my marriage is wonderful so no regrets there.

If there’s even a chance that you might want kids later, don’t lock it down with this guy who has decided he does NOT. Keep your own place and live a little more independently.



ETA: Your relationship is still in the new stages. There's no way to tell if he is even marriage material so you don't really know at this stage what you would be "giving up" if you decided you wanted to pursue someone open to kids.

Last edited by wasel; 07-10-2019 at 05:19 AM..
 
Old 07-10-2019, 12:52 PM
 
192 posts, read 57,539 times
Reputation: 363
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Do you think this is a common reason for dating couples to call it quits...if one person wants kids & the other doesn't? Do you think most people discuss it before it would be time to plan one?

If you're at that stage in a relationship where this is on the table and one party doesn't want kids and the other does, you have to call it quits. Parenthood requires 100% commitment by both parties. I'm a father and grandfather and it's a lot of work. Best job I ever had.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 01:01 PM
 
13,369 posts, read 25,669,097 times
Reputation: 20681
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
...
Kind of wish she mentioned that in the beginning, but we were really into each otherwise. I was like "At this age, you expect a man in his mid-40s to want kids , most of them are already single dads anyway". She said she wanted to foster. I was like " You can do that as a single woman, I know a few single women that did this".
I've never met a man who already was a father for whom having another child was a requirement. I think a lot of men figure it's the price they pay for a new relationship, of course with a younger woman.

If someone is truly adamant about not having children (or more children) they get a vasectomy or the woman gets a tubal (as I did at 30). "The lack of desire made flesh."

Of course, people always think that the other person will change their mind. Good luck with that one.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 01:29 PM
 
Location: The City of Brotherly Love
1,055 posts, read 737,636 times
Reputation: 2585
Absolutely. I'm 23, but I know that I want to have kids with someone one day. I've either only accepted hookups or just didn't bother entering long-term relationships with women who don't want kids. What's the point of investing so much time and energy into a relationship that is ultimately doomed to fail? The notion of having children needs to be discussed early on.

In that same sense, I also wouldn't date someone who ultimately wants to move out to the suburbs.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 01:41 PM
 
1,893 posts, read 548,435 times
Reputation: 2355
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
If she was so flaky & irresponsible....why would you stay with her for 7 yrs? If my Bf was flaky & irresponsible, this would be an easy decision because I would not even be considering moving in with him in the 1st place.
I think you should ask yourself the questions from another direction, such as would you like the things that come with raising children.
  • 9 month pregnancy sickness
  • Childbirth/labor pain
  • Changing diapers,
  • losing sleep
  • teaching to speak
  • helping with homework
  • general goofyness and watching them play
  • buying clothes
  • doing extra laundry
  • talking in kid speak in general
  • birthday and xmas gifts
  • thankless parenting
  • screaming babies/toddlers for 3 years
  • rough road trips, restless baby/toddler
  • teaching them right from wrong
  • sickness...diseases
  • possible mentally incapable (makes everything in the list 10x more difficult)
  • Teenage years/parties/drugs/bad friends
  • college loans

If youre ok with all of these, then maybe you really do want kids. Some people find these things rewarding.

These are the things I think of that discourage me, and keeps me in the frame of mind that I dont like being around children.
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