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Old 07-10-2019, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,042 posts, read 7,413,283 times
Reputation: 21662

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
I think you should ask yourself the questions from another direction, such as would you like the things that come with raising children.
  • 9 month pregnancy sickness
  • Childbirth/labor pain
  • Changing diapers,
  • losing sleep
  • teaching to speak
  • helping with homework
  • general goofyness and watching them play
  • buying clothes
  • doing extra laundry
  • talking in kid speak in general
  • birthday and xmas gifts
  • thankless parenting
  • screaming babies/toddlers for 3 years
  • rough road trips, restless baby/toddler
  • teaching them right from wrong
  • sickness...diseases
  • possible mentally incapable (makes everything in the list 10x more difficult)
  • Teenage years/parties/drugs/bad friends
  • college loans

If youre ok with all of these, then maybe you really do want kids. Some people find these things rewarding.

These are the things I think of that discourage me, and keeps me in the frame of mind that I dont like being around children.
I would say "maybe not" with regard to the pregnancy sickness because not everyone gets that, I felt healthier than ever in my life while pregnant.

But I'll add:

Your body may never be the same. Some women gain weight and battle that for the rest of their lives, often unsuccessfully. I was lucky and I did not, but I lost my breasts pretty much, they were a very nice C and now somewhere between an A/B, and this is a common reason that women wind up choosing to get implants, though I don't think I will. Stretch marks are also likely. Your skin changes. And while I am not going to get graphic about it, and I am not talking about a "stretching" effect in the most obvious way, the appearance of your ~ahem~ lady business can be altered as well. Skin coloration often darkens for one thing, and that's something no one ever told me would happen. And if a C-section is required, there can be scarring.

I'm saying things can change and that even a best case scenario can leave you with things to be self-critical about. As if women needed more of those.

Oh and there is a chance of post-partum depression, too. I wasn't warned adequately about the brain changes. Your hormones are topsy turvy and you can barely think, I had some anxiety and depression and panic moments especially after my first was born, and that is usually exacerbated by not getting enough sleep.

Having a child creates a massive amount of new work in a household. If your partner doesn't step up and do a fair share (depending on your respective work schedules and other responsibilities) that can create huge resentment and drive big, big emotional distance between two people.

Babies spew bodily fluids frequently from any orifice.

If you breastfeed (as I believe is best, and I did) get ready for your front to leak massively in public any time any baby cries anywhere that you can hear. Fun times!

You have to baby-proof your entire reality.

Expenses like you won't believe. Diapers. Daycare. Toys and gear. Feeling that you have to provide a magical pile of shiny junk every Christmas and every Birthday, and make the wonder happen for every holiday, and make vacations happen (or camp, or extracurriculars) every summer. If you can't afford it, you'll wish you could and feel bad, and if you have any money to spare, being a parent will devour it. Forget about saving for college or retirement, unless you are far more principled than most or have wealthy family to help.

Small children get sick a lot, sometimes dangerously and frighteningly so. And they are often sticky, and sometimes you have no idea why... But they smell RIGHT because they are your children. Until they become teenagers, and then they smell horrible.

In the middling years, say, 5-early puberty, you get last minute school projects that keep you up all night, the kids going off to play and not being back home when they are supposed to, and you pacing around with stomach in knots only to have them roll up on bikes an hour or two later, you want to give them a cell phone so you can find them instead? Cool, get ready for middle school nude photo sharing conversations, watching out for cyber bullying, and a dozen other kinds of trouble they can get up to with the damn thing.

You'll be criticized for being too involved or not involved enough, however you parent, someone will be there to tell you you're doing it wrong. (Have a look in the Parenting subforum if you don't believe me.)

BUT...

At a few months old, you smile at them and they smile back at you. I smiled nonstop at my babies until my face ached. Literally. I have tears in my eyes remembering it.

They are so snuggly when they're little.

The day you admit that you might enjoy playing with their toys more than they do.

Watching them sleep.

Refrigerator art.

They become these little people. They learn and accomplish stuff. It's cool to watch.

All the cute and hilarious and wacky things they say. (Gotta write those things down, seriously.)

Kitchen dance parties with toddlers.

Catching fireflies together on summer nights. Letting them go.

All the wonder of being a parent...there is a lot of it I can't even put into words, it's a matter of the heart and difficult to explain or describe.

So I can't say whether you should want kids or not. I really can't. Both paths have their costs, and their rewards. But I would question, if someone is right for you, when they are not willing to accept that you cannot decide this right now.

 
Old 07-10-2019, 02:50 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post

If there’s even a chance that you might want kids later, don’t lock it down with this guy who has decided he does NOT. Keep your own place and live a little more independently.



ETA: Your relationship is still in the new stages. There's no way to tell if he is even marriage material so you don't really know at this stage what you would be "giving up" if you decided you wanted to pursue someone open to kids.
We really aren't in the new stages....we are discussing *very* seriously moving in together & that is why this subject has come up...about where we are going. I met him a year ago and we started to long-distance date...since January we have spent more & more time together. Before moving in together tho....ofc we need to be going in the same direction with our relationship & that is why we are on this subject seriously.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 02:55 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I've never met a man who already was a father for whom having another child was a requirement. I think a lot of men figure it's the price they pay for a new relationship, of course with a younger woman.

If someone is truly adamant about not having children (or more children) they get a vasectomy or the woman gets a tubal (as I did at 30). "The lack of desire made flesh."

Of course, people always think that the other person will change their mind. Good luck with that one.
I dunno what the "desire made flesh" stuff is....but he is serious about a vasectomy. He is a single man, no kids....& I believe he feels "too old" for them now.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:00 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilliesPhan2013 View Post
Absolutely. I'm 23, but I know that I want to have kids with someone one day. I've either only accepted hookups or just didn't bother entering long-term relationships with women who don't want kids. What's the point of investing so much time and energy into a relationship that is ultimately doomed to fail? The notion of having children needs to be discussed early on.

In that same sense, I also wouldn't date someone who ultimately wants to move out to the suburbs.
Since you know you want to have kids....it's different. I don't know if I do or not......I never thought about it so much as I knew I had to be in a happy relationship 1st (my 1st marriage was not happy & so I am so so so happy I didn't have kids with him now). I am not so convinced that you can decide to have kids before you see how other things work out tho...........what if the person you married couldn't have kids & that's just one way it might not work out.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,655 posts, read 42,273,122 times
Reputation: 84136
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
I think you should ask yourself the questions from another direction, such as would you like the things that come with raising children.
  • 9 month pregnancy sickness
  • Childbirth/labor pain
  • Changing diapers,
  • losing sleep
  • teaching to speak
  • helping with homework
  • general goofyness and watching them play
  • buying clothes
  • doing extra laundry
  • talking in kid speak in general
  • birthday and xmas gifts
  • thankless parenting
  • screaming babies/toddlers for 3 years
  • rough road trips, restless baby/toddler
  • teaching them right from wrong
  • sickness...diseases
  • possible mentally incapable (makes everything in the list 10x more difficult)
  • Teenage years/parties/drugs/bad friends
  • college loans
If those were the only things that come with having children, no one would voluntarily do it.

Nothing sounds appealing when you ONLY list the negatives.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:04 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post




So I can't say whether you should want kids or not. I really can't. Both paths have their costs, and their rewards. But I would question, if someone is right for you, when they are not willing to accept that you cannot decide this right now.
He is Ok with it Spork....it's *me* who is putting the pressure a little on myself....to make sure I'm Ok with not having kids before I move in with him (& so not to waste more time if I think I really would want to have kids someday). It's only my decision....he has just been honest about what he sees & doesn't see in the future.........& I needed to know it.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:28 PM
 
Location: California
921 posts, read 253,571 times
Reputation: 2630
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
If those were the only things that come with having children, no one would voluntarily do it.

Nothing sounds appealing when you ONLY list the negatives.
True but there are many positive things you could do with your life that don't even come close to having that big of a list of negatives.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:28 PM
 
13,370 posts, read 25,673,439 times
Reputation: 20682
By "lack of desire made flesh," I mean putting your money where your mouth is- if you're sure you don't want to be a parent, get a tubal or he gets a vasectomy if he's so sure. The lack of desire to be a parent made real in the flesh.

I say "be a parent" deliberately. It includes the negatives. Do I want the next many years of my resources, time, attention and relationship to be about raising children? It's easy to think of one Kodak moment or what someone says about a child's smile or whatever. But the whole picture?
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:33 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,268 posts, read 296,290 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
By "lack of desire made flesh," I mean putting your money where your mouth is- if you're sure you don't want to be a parent, get a tubal or he gets a vasectomy if he's so sure. The lack of desire to be a parent made real in the flesh.

I say "be a parent" deliberately. It includes the negatives. Do I want the next many years of my resources, time, attention and relationship to be about raising children? It's easy to think of one Kodak moment or what someone says about a child's smile or whatever. But the whole picture?
I won't push him into a vasectomy because I would like us to be able to decide for sure in a few yrs if we have a baby or not.
 
Old 07-10-2019, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,655 posts, read 42,273,122 times
Reputation: 84136
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
True but there are many positive things you could do with your life that don't even come close to having that big of a list of negatives.


Well … you could say that about a lot of things that people enter into willingly because they believe the positives outweigh the negatives.

Being in a relationship, for example …

Cons?

You have to look at the same person every single day.
You can only have sex with that one person every time.
You can't just decide to do something and do it - lose your autonomy.
You have to share the bed.
Your partner can get jealous.
You can get jealous.

etc etc etc

Of course there is more to it than that, and even people who get hurt repeatedly in relationships still seek them out.

That's just not a very enlightened thought process. "I don't want to because it's hard." LOL
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