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So I got a vasectomy when I was 24 after a pregnancy scare (she had a miscarriage). Based on what you are saying I should just not disclose that as soon as possible because as you say “most first or second dates do not go into long relationships”.
Disclose it to someone you have dated more than a few times who you are starting to see a relationship forming, but not to someone on the second date, no. If a guy told me on a first date he had a vasectomy, that falls into "too much information" and is presumptuous to think I need or want to know.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allison7
If that's you, that's okay. People accept it. It is unappealing for me to be just starting to date a man and he starts telling me how he never wants kids or if he wanted them yesterday. How does he even know I want marriage? It's too soon to jump into that playpen. If I haven't even slept with him yet, what makes him think I want to know his feelings on kids? It's presumptuous. Give us some air, and let's see if we have other things in common and if we like to be together, and then it becomes more important to know. Most first or second dates do not go into long relationships so why get into it so early?
I’d actually argue your sentiment is exactly why it is better to disclose up front if you have made a decision on kids. To avoid wasting time with someone who doesn’t want the same things I want.
And I think it is totally possible to know what you want early in life. I knew I did not want kids at 12 and I’m in my early 30s now and have not changed my mind and won’t. I know I’d suck at parenting and I don’t have the patience to deal with kids.
I'd have to find the right man before I could say, and I'm thinking one important ingredient to the mix would depend on how old I am at the time this comes up.
I don't like to date men who are locked in one particular way of thinking. If a man tells me right away, "no way am I having kids" or if he says, "I want kids, how many do you want?", I probably woudn't date either guy. It's not the first thing I want to talk about, and if he hates kids, or if it's all he thinks about, who needs either one? I like men who are well educated, successful, and not too set in their ways. They should be open for seeing where the relationship and life takes them, that's all I would ask.
Depends.
I found myself single and dating in my upper thirties. At that stage of the game, it was an important issue to feel out early on, whatever the person's stance or leaning. So it felt appropriate and reasonable to explore early in the game.
Disclose it to someone you have dated more than a few times who you are starting to see a relationship forming, but not to someone on the second date, no. If a guy told me on a first date he had a vasectomy, that falls into "too much information" and is presumptuous to think I need or want to know.
Most people would be happy someone was upfront about it. You on the other hand ascribe negative traits to this kind of information (presumptuous, TMI, close-minded.) Why is that?
I’d actually argue your sentiment is exactly why it is better to disclose up front if you have made a decision on kids. To avoid wasting time with someone who doesn’t want the same things I want.
And I think it is totally possible to know what you want early in life. I knew I did not want kids at 12 and I’m in my early 30s now and have not changed my mind and won’t. I know I’d suck at parenting and I don’t have the patience to deal with kids.
You keep saying the same thing over. Some of us don't know or think about it, because we are single. I can only tell you how it comes across to me personally within the first couple of dates if a man is disclosing he had a vasectomy or doesn't ever want kids, or if he wants kids and is asking how many I want. It's not something I want to talk about on the first couple of dates, because it is presumptuous to think I care if he wants kids or not if there isn't a relationship yet. He is assuming our casual date has blossomed into the possibility of a life together, and I'm still learning his name and what he does for a living and if he likes cats or dogs.
You keep saying the same thing over. Some of us don't know or think about it, because we are single. I can only tell you how it comes across to me personally within the first couple of dates if a man is disclosing he had a vasectomy or doesn't ever want kids, or if he wants kids and is asking how many I want. It's not something I want to talk about on the first couple of dates, because it is presumptuous to think I care if he wants kids or not if there isn't a relationship yet. He is assuming our casual date has blossomed into the possibility of a life together, and I'm still learning his name and what he does for a living and if he likes cats or dogs.
Even if you're single you know if you want kids or not. When I was single, I knew I wanted kids and there was no point in seeing someone who didn't. Might as well find out asap and not waste time on anyone who absolutely didn't want kids. I mean you don't have to be a creep about it saying how many you want and their future names or reveal personal details about you've done to make sure you never have any kids, but you can add it into the conversation in a non weird way. I was never taken aback by a guy asking my preferences. Although with online dating, I could easily see on their profile their thoughts on kids and I avoided setting up dates with guys who indicated they didn't want kids.
OP, in this situation if you even *think* you might and your boyfriend is 100% sure he doesn't, then that doesn't bode well for the future for you two. I recently became a mom and I can tell you there is no person on earth that is worth missing out on the experience of being a mom for. At least not for me. Thankfully my husband always wanted kids and we were both on the same page, but if he hadn't been I would have kept looking.
Notice that it's not just this one woman who did it, but that a friend confided in her that she too intentionally misled her man into getting her pregnant, and that Prudie's answer acknowledges that she's "hardly the only woman" (underlined in red for strong emphasis) to have done it. Read some other search result pages of more personal stories that often include mention of friends who did it too. It sure doesn't sound like it's even a little rare. A man is perfectly reasonable - no, well advised - to be aware of this.
Even if you're single you know if you want kids or not. When I was single, I knew I wanted kids and there was no point in seeing someone who didn't. Might as well find out asap and not waste time on anyone who absolutely didn't want kids. I mean you don't have to be a creep about it saying how many you want and their future names or reveal personal details about you've done to make sure you never have any kids, but you can add it into the conversation in a non weird way. I was never taken aback by a guy asking my preferences. Although with online dating, I could easily see on their profile their thoughts on kids and I avoided setting up dates with guys who indicated they didn't want kids.
OP, in this situation if you even *think* you might and your boyfriend is 100% sure he doesn't, then that doesn't bode well for the future for you two. I recently became a mom and I can tell you there is no person on earth that is worth missing out on the experience of being a mom for. At least not for me. Thankfully my husband always wanted kids and we were both on the same page, but if he hadn't been I would have kept looking.
I have no hard and fast rules about kids, and I don't have a boyfriend right now. First or second dates shouldn't be a discussion about kids, because it should be light and oh hey, where do you work, and do you like sushi? Why would a guy think I need to know on the second date he had a vasectomy or that he wants a kid if I haven't even slept with him?
I have no hard and fast rules about kids, and I don't have a boyfriend right now. First or second dates shouldn't be a discussion about kids, because it should be light and oh hey, where do you work, and do you like sushi? Why would a guy think I need to know on the second date he had a vasectomy or that he wants a kid if I haven't even slept with him?
As I mentioned in my post, telling personal details like that he had a a vasectomy is definitely too much information. I agree with you there. I do think the first few dates should be kept light, but I personally wouldn't have wanted to go into more than a couple dates with someone who didn't want kids because that would be the point? I guess if you aren't sure or haven't thought about it maybe it doesn't matter, but for those of us who have a strong stance one way or the other I think it's better to know sooner rather than later.
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