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Old 07-09-2019, 05:17 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,953 posts, read 7,562,589 times
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My crazy ex wife did this.
Well, apart from the fact her friend wasn't cheating at all, she was, and she was using the story about her friend as a distraction
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:33 AM
 
Location: New York, NY
2,723 posts, read 2,282,210 times
Reputation: 1626
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
I think you need a new partner.
It's not happening to me. I love my single life and intend to stay this way.

I was catching up with an old friend and she told me that her boyfriend's best friend, "Jack" is dating a girl from Europe. Well, turns out this weekend the boyfriend and Jack went to a bar and Jack started to make out with someone else. He even asked a woman for sex!

The next day, Jack's girlfriend sent a whattsap message to Jack's best friend asking (my friend's boyfriend) basically asking if Jack has been intimate with someone because Jack was cold with her. Well, turns out he covered for Jack: He texted back, "No, the only thing that happened was that Jack got drunk and I put him in a cab."

That was the end of the story, but I told my friend that it sounds like her boyfriend lack moral character. Now she's not speaking to me lol.
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:36 AM
 
1,990 posts, read 967,669 times
Reputation: 5332
Like attracts Like.
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:37 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,129 posts, read 55,931,837 times
Reputation: 89997
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
I think you need a new partner.
Lol... Yes. Because someone might be covering for him too...
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Old 07-09-2019, 08:53 AM
 
6,693 posts, read 2,411,431 times
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Many years ago, my husband and I took a brother in law to Mardi Gras with us. (In St. Louis, MO). BIL was very drunk, and he started making out, and fingering a woman in a local restaurant there. I was mortified. Absolutely mortified.


That said, I didn't say anything to his wife. First of all, I don't know what good would've come from it, and second...not my circus, and 3rd, I liked my sister in law, and all I could imagine happening was hurt and pain.


OP, I kind of feel like this BF was put in an untenable spot. He's not the babysitter and he's not the morality police. The angst should be on the guy who was making out with a stranger. Not the BF.
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Old 07-09-2019, 02:34 PM
 
12,355 posts, read 13,606,839 times
Reputation: 14368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Many years ago, my husband and I took a brother in law to Mardi Gras with us. (In St. Louis, MO). BIL was very drunk, and he started making out, and fingering a woman in a local restaurant there. I was mortified. Absolutely mortified.


That said, I didn't say anything to his wife. First of all, I don't know what good would've come from it, and second...not my circus, and 3rd, I liked my sister in law, and all I could imagine happening was hurt and pain.


OP, I kind of feel like this BF was put in an untenable spot. He's not the babysitter and he's not the morality police. The angst should be on the guy who was making out with a stranger. Not the BF.
Oh like to come over to his table? Ok.

Yeah, I donít know about that one but the OP better put a short leash on that dog.
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Old 07-09-2019, 02:47 PM
 
12,355 posts, read 13,606,839 times
Reputation: 14368
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormgal View Post
It's not happening to me. I love my single life and intend to stay this way.

I was catching up with an old friend and she told me that her boyfriend's best friend, "Jack" is dating a girl from Europe. Well, turns out this weekend the boyfriend and Jack went to a bar and Jack started to make out with someone else. He even asked a woman for sex!

The next day, Jack's girlfriend sent a whattsap message to Jack's best friend asking (my friend's boyfriend) basically asking if Jack has been intimate with someone because Jack was cold with her. Well, turns out he covered for Jack: He texted back, "No, the only thing that happened was that Jack got drunk and I put him in a cab."

That was the end of the story, but I told my friend that it sounds like her boyfriend lack moral character. Now she's not speaking to me lol.
Oh, gotcha gotcha!
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Old 07-09-2019, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
15,328 posts, read 17,805,583 times
Reputation: 10691
Not all Jack's are pond scum. Some Jack's are loyal & don't cheat on their lady...
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Old 07-10-2019, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Colorado
11,943 posts, read 7,352,729 times
Reputation: 21457
I think of these kinds of situations like this...

Sometimes, a thing is not my burden to bear, not my circus, not my monkeys, not my responsibility. I know where the responsibility lies to stop being unethical, and to be ethical (honest) and it is the cheating partner. That person is the root of the social poison of bad behavior.

Next step out from the situation:
What should the cheater's friend do?

Is the cheater's friend also friends with the deceived spouse? A bond of friendship with that person may create an obligation to inform them of the character of their partner, but also, doing so could create more problems. It is a conundrum. I think I'd look to split the difference by telling my cheating friend, "You tell your wife what is going on, or I will. You've put me in a bad situation, it goes against my core values to deceive a friend and your wife is also my friend. If you value your friendship with me at all, you will take care of your business and not leave me standing here holding this burden. And in the future, if you have such a secret to keep, I suggest you bear it alone, rather than dumping it on others to share the weight. You are the one being shady here, not me."

In a way the cheater has wronged more people than just his wife, in placing responsibility for participating in his deceptions on a friend. If you've got a secret, shut up and carry it. Sharing it is not only unfair, it compromises the security of the information anyhow. So it's wrong, and then more wrong, and then stupid on top of wrong.

Taking another step out from the original source of the problem:
You have the spouse of the conspiring friend of the cheater. What should they do?

I would be sympathetic to the difficult situation that their friend has put them in. Tell them I'm sorry they are dealing with this, because it sucks. No one is happy having their loyalty to a friend pitted against their personal ethics. I'd then advise them on a talk to have with that friend, making it clear what the cheater person has done, how damaging it is to the friendship, and suggesting the possibility that they come clean to their wife, or else perhaps the friend will, or that maybe they will need to withdraw from the friendship, rather than being used to aid in this behavior.

And then I would say that I don't approve of my partner being an active and willing participant in activity that is essentially unethical, such as willingly covering for his friend's bad behavior. And that it makes me question their character, if they seem comfortable doing this. That just as the cheater's choice to involve his friend in this deception is destructive to their friendship potentially, the situation is also destructive to OUR relationship, and I am left with a similar set of options...

1. Enable bad behavior. Be an accomplice.
2. Silence--not engaging/helping, but also not giving advice or taking action. (This is hard to maintain over time.)
3. Giving advice to do the right thing, but not taking the step of busting open the lies. ("I won't tell her, but you should.")
4. Withdrawing from the relationship because of the person's bad character.
5. Breaking the deceptions by going up the chain, shining a light of honesty in everybody's faces. (Uninvolved wife tells cheater-man that husband told her, and/or either of them tell cheater's wife about his cheating.)

There are problems with #5, because of the "shoot the messenger" effect. Often this terminates all friendships involved. I lean towards #3 and #4. I'll give the good advice, but if the person doesn't act on it, I won't help them and may end the relationship.

EDIT: Just thought of another factor in these kinds of things...the tendency to gossip. Probably the most common thing when a wrongdoing friend shares the burden of a secret, is for the confidante to re-share it with others who "seem" like secure ears...but really are not. I think this is because you want to see the truth come to light but you don't want to take the blame for spilling the beans, so you toss the ball to other people, who then share with others, until eventually it gets back to the person who needs to know. And they are the last to know, but at least they do find out.
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Old 07-10-2019, 10:44 AM
 
1,659 posts, read 3,611,158 times
Reputation: 1281
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormgal View Post
Question in the subject line: If your partner - husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc supports their best friend cheating on his or her partner - and lies to cover their friend, would that make you feel like your partner lacks character or morality? Would you care?
Supports? Low morals.

Lies? Lack of character.

Remains silent? Normal.
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