U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old Yesterday, 08:53 AM
 
Location: PA
766 posts, read 394,569 times
Reputation: 1221

Advertisements

If you have something in your past which you are not particularly proud of (15 years ago) where you cheated on a then partner in the process of leaving, is this something that should be discussed with a potential new partner up front, or should the past be left in the past? Is there a time limit where this doesn't count?

I was involved in a discussion recently and the woman just thought it was terrible that I didn't mention this right up front. Hi, i am Bearsdad and fifteen years ago, i cheated on and left an ex girlfriend....would you like to go out?? I mean, how do you handle this? I don't know anyone who isn't ashamed they have done something like this, let alone use the subject as an ice breaker when you meet someone. Is there a protocol for this sort of discussion or should you just wait until it comes up in normal conversation down the road? Thoughts?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Yesterday, 09:01 AM
 
6,548 posts, read 2,362,084 times
Reputation: 15060
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
If you have something in your past which you are not particularly proud of (15 years ago) where you cheated on a then partner in the process of leaving, is this something that should be discussed with a potential new partner up front, or should the past be left in the past? Is there a time limit where this doesn't count?

I was involved in a discussion recently and the woman just thought it was terrible that I didn't mention this right up front. Hi, i am Bearsdad and fifteen years ago, i cheated on and left an ex girlfriend....would you like to go out?? I mean, how do you handle this? I don't know anyone who isn't ashamed they have done something like this, let alone use the subject as an ice breaker when you meet someone. Is there a protocol for this sort of discussion or should you just wait until it comes up in normal conversation down the road? Thoughts?

IMO, you don't owe anyone an explanation. And in this situation, the past can stay in the past.


About the only way I can see it being relevant, is if a woman would straight up ask you if you've ever cheated...and it's best to tell the truth than to tell a lie...but otherwise...let the past be the past.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,197 posts, read 41,793,678 times
Reputation: 82972
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
IMO, you don't owe anyone an explanation. And in this situation, the past can stay in the past.


About the only way I can see it being relevant, is if a woman would straight up ask you if you've ever cheated...and it's best to tell the truth than to tell a lie...but otherwise...let the past be the past.
I agree.

Especially if that's not who you are now, you definitely aren't required to tell all. We don't make people walk around with scarlet As on their chests.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Colorado
11,849 posts, read 7,301,922 times
Reputation: 21257
I also agree that what is in the past...like, the over-a-decade-ago past...is not anybody's business.

And frankly, any person who would grill me about it and judge me for it, probably is not someone I want to build a relationship with. I'd feel like they were LOOKING for reasons to be insecure and non-trusting. Seeking baggage to affix to a connection that is barely off the ground.

I don't think it's good form to judge other people based on things that happened a long time ago, AND did not involve me in any way.

Especially, personally, I judge people less for things that happen in connection with a breakup. I mean, when someone cheats during a breakup that was already happening no matter what...I dunno, I think that breakups can be messy and complicated, but the end is the end. I had one guy (boyfriend prior to my ex) who refused to accept my repeated insistence that I wanted to end the relationship. He'd argue, browbeat me into silence, just would not take the message, until the point I met another man (my Ex husband) who came along and essentially ran him off. It should not have taken that, but if he'd listened then it wouldn't have. Some people have this "Well we are fighting, but I'll win and keep my partner no matter what they think" mindset. But cheating will get through to them, if nothing else will. Sometimes things just are not quite as simple as people want to make them. So I really don't judge that as harshly as some do, even, on that point in particular.

But yeah, especially 15 years ago. Psh. Come on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 02:44 PM
 
12,334 posts, read 13,567,572 times
Reputation: 14322
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
If you have something in your past which you are not particularly proud of (15 years ago) where you cheated on a then partner in the process of leaving, is this something that should be discussed with a potential new partner up front, or should the past be left in the past? Is there a time limit where this doesn't count?

I was involved in a discussion recently and the woman just thought it was terrible that I didn't mention this right up front. Hi, i am Bearsdad and fifteen years ago, i cheated on and left an ex girlfriend....would you like to go out?? I mean, how do you handle this? I don't know anyone who isn't ashamed they have done something like this, let alone use the subject as an ice breaker when you meet someone. Is there a protocol for this sort of discussion or should you just wait until it comes up in normal conversation down the road? Thoughts?
If you are selling yourself you don’t need to bring up every detail of your life.

If you were selling a car would you point out everthing? Here’s a scratch, way down here the paint is coming off, if you Listen really close the muffler is making some noise, the dash rattles, the seat has a little tear over here in the front. Bend down and you can see it.

You see what I’m saying? Chances are they will feel you really don’t want to sell the car.

Keep the past in the past. Unless you have herpes or AIDS.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 04:34 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,410 posts, read 12,940,514 times
Reputation: 30965
I've been in that position before. Marriage was on the rocks, started talking to a friend's wife. One thing led to another and I went over for a kiss (I promise, that was all) She panicked when I kissed her on the neck. Was arrested for attempted rape but was dropped down to sexual abuse 3rd degree. I got 1 year probated for 3. I told my fiancee all about it. Wanted everything out in the open. This was 5 years after. She appreciated me telling her about it instead of hearing about it from somebody else. She said that was in the past and, as far as she was concerned, it would stay there. And she trusted me that it wouldn't happen again. It hasn't and it won't!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 04:51 PM
 
Location: New England
673 posts, read 855,628 times
Reputation: 1202
There's probably a right time to share this, but I can't say when it is. Not the first time you go out together, because it would seem like too much intimate information too early. But not leave it so late that it seems as if you've been hiding it. Perhaps when you have a conversation about past relationships and why they ended--"Things were going badly between us, but I made it all worse by..." Acknowledge that you behaved badly and say you haven't done anything similar since then, like in Kygman's story above.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 08:17 AM
 
Location: SC
1,965 posts, read 1,164,259 times
Reputation: 3190
IMO- I think some things should be discussed only if they are brought up. I mean, first few dates, you're just trying to find out if you are compatible with that person. Your past history (or theirs), may not reflect who you are now. It is not critical to disclose everything up front right off the bat. Some things yeah. Sexual health, has children, availability.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 08:34 AM
 
71 posts, read 19,280 times
Reputation: 122
I don't think you did anything wrong (at least in regards to this current girlfriend). 15 years is a long time and a mistake you made that long ago, once, really doesn't matter now. I think being brought up in normal conversation is just fine (and it really doesn't need to be brought up). You told her and you had no obligation to tell her at all (let alone up front).

It sounds like your girlfriend is a bit insecure. Maybe she's been cheated on and the idea really bothers her? the question is, what do you do from now since you can't change the past (either the past from 15 years ago or the more recent past where she though you should tell her upfront). Has she given you any suggestions?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 09:12 AM
 
8,564 posts, read 7,135,129 times
Reputation: 9006
Own your past, it’s made you who you are.
If your past was a turning point for you being a better individual or you have moved on from who you may have been there is no reason to hide or feel shame in discussing it with others.
Resisting, hiding and ignoring the past with others only makes you seem disingenuous if and when the past becomes present or pertinent information.

If you feel it’s relevant, it’s relevant. Discuss it with your current partner.
Past indiscretions can be a great leading off point to further discussions of trust and compatibility.

Last edited by rego00123; Today at 09:37 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top