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Old Yesterday, 07:51 AM
 
8 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 10

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Quote:
Originally Posted by gus2 View Post
I'm sorry to say this, but he's trying to soften it for you. He has no intentions to reconcile in the future. I think he is just trying to help manage your anxiety. Move forward with the understanding that what you had was special, but its season has passed.
He vehemently said he wasn't trying to soften the blow when I asked him. I mean, he said that he wants to cuddle and do all these things with me again and that he has absolutely no desire to be with anybody else or sleep with anybody else because he wants that with me. Also his desire to have me within the proximity so that the chance of getting back together is in the cards we're as me going to Minnesota there wouldn't be. When I had told him that he was the love of my life and I asked if that feeling was shared he said I knew that answer. Well I don't know that answer but you know whatever I just said yes? And he shook his head yes like absolutely and something like "you are the person I want" or something. It's like, he can't handle having me in his life 'right now' but desires but doesn't trust that things oil change in order for us to reconnect. I can't, understand if he views this as a big paws for us. Or if he views this as forever

Last edited by meriland31; Yesterday at 08:01 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,250 posts, read 41,828,694 times
Reputation: 83065
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post

I can't, understand if he views this as a big paws for us. Or if he views this as forever
That really doesn't matter.

It's not about whether there's anyone else or whether there could be. He doesn't want to be part of what you have now, and he's willing to let you go so you can be better because his way of trying to make things better for you right now is negatively affecting him.

You have to be willing to go forward without hanging on to the idea that maybe someday you'll work together again. You have to get a handle on your anxiety regardless of who you're in a relationship with.
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Old Yesterday, 09:03 AM
 
8,568 posts, read 7,139,364 times
Reputation: 9023
I wouldn’t worry about the future right now. You both need time away from one another to get a grip on life outside of marriage.

Without that component you guys will never be able to make any informed choices about whether or not what you had is still their or worth coming back and fighting for. You’ll just stagnate under the assumption things “have to” work out because you need them to work out.
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Old Yesterday, 09:08 AM
 
1,801 posts, read 522,823 times
Reputation: 2253
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
He vehemently said he wasn't trying to soften the blow when I asked him. I mean, he said that he wants to cuddle and do all these things with me again and that he has absolutely no desire to be with anybody else or sleep with anybody else because he wants that with me. Also his desire to have me within the proximity so that the chance of getting back together is in the cards we're as me going to Minnesota there wouldn't be. When I had told him that he was the love of my life and I asked if that feeling was shared he said I knew that answer. Well I don't know that answer but you know whatever I just said yes? And he shook his head yes like absolutely and something like "you are the person I want" or something. It's like, he can't handle having me in his life 'right now' but desires but doesn't trust that things oil change in order for us to reconnect. I can't, understand if he views this as a big paws for us. Or if he views this as forever
Do you understand that whether he wants to reconcile or not, that you have major issues you need to change and work on? You started getting help for the issues he mentioned, are you still doing this?
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Old Yesterday, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,634 posts, read 41,906,761 times
Reputation: 50474
You have a complex trauma history. That is VERY hard on partners and families. It's harder on you.

For your own emotional well-being, you will need a partner who is able to deal with your psychological history and its ramifications. This guy does not seem to be the one. He is likely misguidedly trying to soften the blow with "maybes," not realizing that it's a very damaging route for him to take. And he is wistful for the person he wishes you were, a person without a trauma history. He is not accepting of you as the person you are, at least not enough to be a supportive partner. As others noted, you are better off focusing on your own recovery without the worry of a partner who's not able to be supportive of your mental health needs.
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Old Yesterday, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,795 posts, read 19,895,713 times
Reputation: 23212
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
He is likely misguidedly trying to soften the blow with "maybes," not realizing that it's a very damaging route for him to take. .
He may think he's being kind but he is leading you on with this 'maybe in the future" crap.
If that w ere really so, he'd be wanting a separation, not a divorce.
For your own sake, consider it over...totally and forever... and deal with it under that circumstance
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Old Yesterday, 10:53 AM
 
8 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 10
So you think his aspirations for the future of us...is BS though he vehemently denies this. And all the other stuff he says he wants to do "again" with me romantically ...
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Old Yesterday, 10:56 AM
 
1,801 posts, read 522,823 times
Reputation: 2253
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
So you think his aspirations for the future of us...is BS though he vehemently denies this. And all the other stuff he says he wants to do "again" with me romantically ...
Definitely its BS. He knows you dont have any intentions on working on the issues that drove him away.
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Old Yesterday, 11:09 AM
 
8 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
Definitely its BS. He knows you dont have any intentions on working on the issues that drove him away.

I've been going to a therapist for 3 months now. It has been a slow progress, but a progress nonetheless. He and I both noticed the differences... It just wasn't enough yet.
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Old Yesterday, 11:13 AM
 
1,801 posts, read 522,823 times
Reputation: 2253
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I've been going to a therapist for 3 months now. It has been a slow progress, but a progress nonetheless. He and I both noticed the differences... It just wasn't enough yet.
Well then youre on your way. As much as I know you are completely broken hearted about this, you need to try to focus on only your therapy to better yourself. Only if that is successful can you understand your effect on him, and others. But you dont do it to try to win him back. He will have no desire to have anything with you if you have any shred of your old issues.
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