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Old 07-11-2019, 11:28 AM
1,980 posts, read 1,308,093 times
Reputation: 3398


Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I understand he is done. But I'm just saying.. he wants me within the proximity for future tryings sake. Ya know?What he wants is a better version of what we had, with me, cause what we had was 'irreplaceable' or whatever.
The future isn't going to happen because he isn't going to sit around and wait, and sooner or later, someone else will come along.
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:30 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,310 posts, read 41,880,675 times
Reputation: 83210
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
So you think his aspirations for the future of us...is BS though he vehemently denies this. And all the other stuff he says he wants to do "again" with me romantically ...
He may believe it himself, but it's very unlikely.

Either way, you can't get better FOR HIM or for a future with him. You have to get better for you so that you can handle whatever comes your way.
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:30 PM
1,648 posts, read 3,606,084 times
Reputation: 1264
I couldn't read all that, but if one person is completely sure he/she wants out of the relationship then there isn't much the other person can do.

Focus on your mental health.
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Old 07-11-2019, 06:43 PM
1,200 posts, read 356,010 times
Reputation: 3765
After reading about half of your post I became mentally exhausted by it. I think I can understand why he wants a divorce. He also is probably trying to let you down gently. I am not sure it wouldn't be better to just do it quickly - like pulling off a bandage. Let him go. Then concentrate on dealing with your anxiety issues. Don't try to keep someone that no longer wants to be with you.
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Old 07-11-2019, 06:48 PM
Location: Middle America
36,661 posts, read 41,937,403 times
Reputation: 50521
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I've been going to a therapist for 3 months now. It has been a slow progress, but a progress nonetheless. He and I both noticed the differences... It just wasn't enough yet.
I'm sure that you know, as a person with a complex trauma history, that 3 months of therapy is not a long time...it can take that long to even get into barely scratching the surface, depending on various factors

I fear that both your spouse and you may have unrealistic perspectives regarding "quick fixes" to what is going on with you emotionally.
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Old 07-11-2019, 07:45 PM
Location: Asheville, NC
11,835 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
You have a complex trauma history. That is VERY hard on partners and families. It's harder on you.

For your own emotional well-being, you will need a partner who is able to deal with your psychological history and its ramifications. This guy does not seem to be the one. He is likely misguidedly trying to soften the blow with "maybes," not realizing that it's a very damaging route for him to take. And he is wistful for the person he wishes you were, a person without a trauma history. He is not accepting of you as the person you are, at least not enough to be a supportive partner. As others noted, you are better off focusing on your own recovery without the worry of a partner who's not able to be supportive of your mental health needs.
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Old 07-11-2019, 10:06 PM
11 posts, read 1,787 times
Reputation: 10
I feel like a fool. I can't even admit to myself this is it...i just hold on to his certain uncertainties. Praying this isn't the end, praying I don't have to endure the eventuality of this...of the certainty of being in the past. It hurt so bad I want to vomit. All I do is cry over this. I cant even process the idea of moving on without him in my life...I can't even imagine not having him to hold every night and feel these kisses in the morning. I can't imagine him not wanting that with me anymore, I just....I try and deny that he doesn't have that want. That urge. Everyone here has been in the same boat..its just, its it. I've spend 4 years of my life with this guy, and he wants to sign divorce papers Saturday...and all I do is cry. With these new surprises. Cry. My own sister and his brother encourage me to stop being the dog that got beat. Feeling sorry for him. Asking him what he wants, how he feels. I never take the time to be authoritative...to be mad about this..and they don't know why. They don't know why I cant see how he gaslit me this whole time, or that he is manipulative by nature and facilitated and brought about the very anxiety I had. I cant see it. I know the things, but I still feel pain and desperate want. But I feel shame. If he cant handle your worst then he doesnt deserve your best they say, but how much of that 'bad' is worth the good? It wasn't so much the fear of getting help, it was the effort to face it in order to save something. Maybe I went for the wrong reason initially, but I continue to go for the right ones now. The point is that my lifelong fear of opening my whole life up to a stranger, seemed....second in place to losing my husband. I tried what I could and utilized these new ideas from the therapist, I was better, much better, but not perfect..not even. Clearly. 1 argument, no matter the fact it was after 3 months of amazing love, and despite that was a huge improvement in terms of quantity...was all it took. It just wasn't good enough that it was getting better. It didn't seem that bad. It wasn't, that bad. Hell, the morning after that fight he gave me a wonderful morning kiss on my shoulders and nuzzled my neck to wake me up. I honestly thought that, since he did that, it wouldn't count against me. It did, cause when he came home he was just..avoidant.

Its hard. I wish he acted estranged and distant before he blew this up on me..cause at least I could see he was unhappy. At least I would know something was very wrong or he was acting different around me. He wasn't, he was so god damn affectionate and loving. Watching ne dance with his head in his hand...telling me how radiant I look. How he felt more appreciated, our loving nights and eventful days that were all positive..with tons of selfies and him taking random photos of me just because.

I could go on, and on..but all it does is make me want to drink a bottle of wine and pass out. Waking up, I cant eve eat I feel so sick. Its always new when i wake up. So vulnerable I just cant even process what is happening yet...its all so fast. I can't just...I cant just 'move on' right now. I can't tell myself anything cause all I feel is searing, sickening pain. I didn't need this right now. I didn't want this wrench in my progress towards a better me. I had all these ideas and surprises for him and....i just..im just not ready to......to tell myself he doesn't yearn for me anymore. I just...I cant handle it...
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Old 07-11-2019, 10:16 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,310 posts, read 41,880,675 times
Reputation: 83210
You have to think of it like youíre standing on a beach.

You canít see the other side of the ocean. But you know you HAVE to get there.

So you do the only thing you can do: Get in the boat.

You have to trust that the boat will take you there, even when YOU canít see where youíre going.

Youíll get there. Get in the boat.
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Old 07-12-2019, 11:33 AM
Location: PA
774 posts, read 396,950 times
Reputation: 1252
I was your husband in a prior relationship. I am not being mean when i tell you what I tell you, just realistic. He walked on eggshells with you for years, choosing his words carefully every time he spoke, measured his actions every time he did something, in hopes of not setting you off. He finally couldn't do it any longer and ask for a divorce.

When you said you seek help, he told himself he lived you and he would wait and see how things went while you were under treatment. The next three months he kept telling himself things would be ok. But he realized too much had happened in the past and no matter how hard you both tried, he would not be happy.

So....he told you he wants a divorce. He is trying to soften the blow by telling you some of what he knows you want to hear. It makes it easier for him to, so he doesn't have to deal with you asking why, why, why and all the other questions you ask.

You don't say where you are from or your age, other than he uprooted you and moved you cross country. MOVE BACK HOME and find a job there and get comfort and support from them. My guess is, he will gladly pay for the move and offer help and support to get you back home.

The sick, wanna get drunk and pass out feeling lasts a while, i am not going to lie. Been There too. Deciding to move on helps. Good luck to you.
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:00 PM
Location: Aberdeen
177 posts, read 271,020 times
Reputation: 415
When will you start listening to what is being said. So many people here have told you what you need to hear and you have had nothing to say. You have focused solely on the posts of those who give you some hope that things might work out between you and your husband. Now in your latest post, all you can do is lament about "I can't even imagine not having him to hold every night and feel these kisses in the morning. I can't imagine him not wanting that with me anymore..."

All you have been able to talk about is what he has done to show his love and support for you but haven't had anything to say about how you are going to miss those ways you have been showing him love. THIS is the problem. He has had to deal with your emotional abuse and has been giving all his love to you while HIS love tank is being drained dry. You have to be putting in more than you are draining. Your seeking help from a counselor NOW is too little too late. He is empty and sees no hope of things getting measurably better between you. Why should be want to continue when the love, respect, and self sacrifice is not returned in kind?

MOVE ON and get yourself healed if you ever want have a happy marriage. Stop obsessing over whether that will be your current husband or someone else.
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