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Old 07-12-2019, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,821 posts, read 2,209,039 times
Reputation: 4843

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
I was your husband in a prior relationship. I am not being mean when i tell you what I tell you, just realistic. He walked on eggshells with you for years, choosing his words carefully every time he spoke, measured his actions every time he did something, in hopes of not setting you off. He finally couldn't do it any longer and ask for a divorce.

When you said you seek help, he told himself he lived you and he would wait and see how things went while you were under treatment. The next three months he kept telling himself things would be ok. But he realized too much had happened in the past and no matter how hard you both tried, he would not be happy.

So....he told you he wants a divorce. He is trying to soften the blow by telling you some of what he knows you want to hear. It makes it easier for him to, so he doesn't have to deal with you asking why, why, why and all the other questions you ask.

You don't say where you are from or your age, other than he uprooted you and moved you cross country. MOVE BACK HOME and find a job there and get comfort and support from them. My guess is, he will gladly pay for the move and offer help and support to get you back home.

The sick, wanna get drunk and pass out feeling lasts a while, i am not going to lie. Been There too. Deciding to move on helps. Good luck to you.
I was in a relationship with a woman for an around/a bit over a year until I broke up with her for the same reasons.

Felt like I was always on eggshells around her, choosing my words carefully, not making specific jokes in order to upset her (when she felt fine doing it to me), choosing my actions carefully, sometimes even faking that I was sick or something when I simply didn't feel like seeing her or anyone in order to not make her think that I didn't want to see her, etc. In the end, it took a massive toll. As much I loved (still do) her, it's just not enough.
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:22 PM
 
4,003 posts, read 3,224,645 times
Reputation: 13035
Its hard to understand that you can love someone without wanting a relationship with them, but thats where he is. He has tried for a long time to make it work, and he's done with it. There is really no going back once you are done with a relationship. You can't undo whats been done.
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:41 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,041 times
Reputation: 10
Yes.
He wants to do divorce paperwork tomorrow. Im sort of in this...defeatist stance, and he still maintains this hope, this genuine..'I need to see what happens hope'. He maintained that it was okay to ask him things, especially in text form. So I did that, cause truly he seems conflicted. Hell..I am conflicted..

Me: "You wanted me to be on track with writing a question down or something, so here it is. You told me "there's no one that can replace what we had. All I want is a better version, of what we had". What does that mean to you? Where are you going with this?"

Him: You already have in writing what I want in a relationship. I just don't remember where it is.

Me: Its in your book. And I know clearly what it states as I have read this many times. Im asking you if you meant you aspire a healthier relationship with someone else eventually, or if you're waiting for a healthier one with me

Him: I hoped you could give me what I need in a relationship but you could not, that's why we are getting the divorce. You are asking if you can be that person in the future and yes that is what I am hoping for.

Me: Correct. And I know my innate anxiety shadowed your needs for a long chunk. I know these are things I need to and am working on to better maintain myself and the world around me. But, why the hope for our rekindling if I had failed (tho working on it)? Most people, once realizing their partner failed, put it behind them with the mindset of moving on with the hope of finding a relationship with someone else who can fulfill those needs..

Him: I always hope for the positive outcome. There are so many incredibly amazing aspects I love about you. I don't know if you change if it will outweigh the bad or get rid of the bad. But Im hoping it does. That's what we have to find out. That's why we are getting a divorce..for now

Me: This whole divorce thing threw a wrench into the fragile gains I was working on. I had no real indication you were this way lately, given the abundant affection and doting I was getting from you, and the newfound attention and giving I was starting to be able to provide & understand better. I was still recovering from the blow 3 months ago, so I still wary, especially if you were upset about something..but you insisted it was your mom, work, or hormonal imbalance, so I doubted myself to a point where I was just starting to believe we were on the up-and-up and to sit back and enjoy it.

Him: Sometimes it's hard to know what we want. Hard to identify what's causing the pain. Sometimes we just don't know what we want. I do know that I want and need a divorce and separation.
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,361 posts, read 41,900,880 times
Reputation: 83294
All of this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
Yes.
He wants to do divorce paperwork tomorrow. Im sort of in this...defeatist stance, and he still maintains this hope, this genuine..'I need to see what happens hope'. He maintained that it was okay to ask him things, especially in text form. So I did that, cause truly he seems conflicted. Hell..I am conflicted..

Me: "You wanted me to be on track with writing a question down or something, so here it is. You told me "there's no one that can replace what we had. All I want is a better version, of what we had". What does that mean to you? Where are you going with this?"

Him: You already have in writing what I want in a relationship. I just don't remember where it is.

Me: Its in your book. And I know clearly what it states as I have read this many times. Im asking you if you meant you aspire a healthier relationship with someone else eventually, or if you're waiting for a healthier one with me

Him: I hoped you could give me what I need in a relationship but you could not, that's why we are getting the divorce. You are asking if you can be that person in the future and yes that is what I am hoping for.

Me: Correct. And I know my innate anxiety shadowed your needs for a long chunk. I know these are things I need to and am working on to better maintain myself and the world around me. But, why the hope for our rekindling if I had failed (tho working on it)? Most people, once realizing their partner failed, put it behind them with the mindset of moving on with the hope of finding a relationship with someone else who can fulfill those needs..

Him: I always hope for the positive outcome. There are so many incredibly amazing aspects I love about you. I don't know if you change if it will outweigh the bad or get rid of the bad. But Im hoping it does. That's what we have to find out. That's why we are getting a divorce..for now

Me: This whole divorce thing threw a wrench into the fragile gains I was working on. I had no real indication you were this way lately, given the abundant affection and doting I was getting from you, and the newfound attention and giving I was starting to be able to provide & understand better. I was still recovering from the blow 3 months ago, so I still wary, especially if you were upset about something..but you insisted it was your mom, work, or hormonal imbalance, so I doubted myself to a point where I was just starting to believe we were on the up-and-up and to sit back and enjoy it.

Him: Sometimes it's hard to know what we want. Hard to identify what's causing the pain. Sometimes we just don't know what we want.
… is static compared to this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post

I do know that I want and need a divorce and separation.
He is being very sympathetic to your condition and obviously loves you, but he is done with trying to make a life with you.

Frankly I think that his adding "for now..." is unnecessary and (probably unintentionally) cruel. This needs to be thought of as a final and clean break. That's why he is stating it in such clear terms, and that's why he is bringing papers tomorrow.

Prepare yourself for a major backslide when you sign the papers. You may want to call your therapist and set something up.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. But you have to get through this tunnel to a place where things can even begin to look better.

Your "fragile gains" should not and cannot depend on him.
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:21 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,041 times
Reputation: 10
Im starting to think he actually believes this 'for now' thing he keeps instilling. That he genuinely 'hope's we start a fresh chapter when things aren't so..bad. He is asexual and has aspbergers...he's always been blunt without regard. He just... he's never had the capability of...processing the idea of saying things to make things seem...better than he thinks. He will often say things to people, just people in general that are inappropriate, literal, or not thought through and they take offense and he doesn't understand, cause he was just being honest. Im starting to wonder if he actually understands what divorce actually means since he wants me near and has this hope ...which, come to find out, hehas also told a friend of ours; that he just needs a break from me to reassess but hopes we reconnect .
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,361 posts, read 41,900,880 times
Reputation: 83294
This:

Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post

He is asexual and has aspbergers...
... would have been helpful to know from the start.

No, on second thought, it really doesn't matter.

It's not fair or right for you to read into what he's saying. He says a lot of things, but above all the most plain and clear thing he says is that he wants a divorce.

You need to take him at his word.
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:02 PM
 
10 posts, read 2,100 times
Reputation: 36
I don't know why anyone would offer you can reconnect while pursuing a divorce. I am guessing he is trying to avoid contention by letting you down easy. Just accept this and move on. Work out things and work on you so you can be healthy for your next relationship. You don't sound like you are healthy enough to maintain a respectful relationship and boundaries.
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:32 PM
 
Location: Florida
19,822 posts, read 19,916,125 times
Reputation: 23231
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
He is asexual and has aspbergers...he's always been blunt without regard. He just... he's never had the capability of...processing the idea of saying things to make things seem...better than he thinks.
Oh, good grief, lady. This guy and you have more problems than you can fix.
Fix yourself and do better the next ime
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:49 PM
 
2,112 posts, read 1,692,782 times
Reputation: 2543
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Oh, good grief, lady. This guy and you have more problems than you can fix.
Fix yourself and do better the next ime
How are those two things of his problems needing 'fixing'?

I think they two of you will be fine;either together or not. I don't get the vibe that the two of you are crazy like some of the stuff we see on this forum. Good Luck to you (and him).
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:57 PM
 
8,572 posts, read 7,147,428 times
Reputation: 9028
Any “future connections” at this point are wishful thinking.
Stop focusing on it and focus on yourself. Getting your own act together will positivity affect any relationships you may have moving onward.
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