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Old Yesterday, 01:25 AM
 
7 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 10

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My husband wants to leave me. After 4 years. He wanted to leave me 3 mths ago cause we had a fight over me having anxiety, getting angry sometimes and being too scared/procrastinating getting help for it despite him encouraging me constantly to go get help (i was later diagnosed with complex PTSD). I tried to save my marriage after that fight by finally getting mental help. The day I went to get help, he was willing to try again and see if I really change. The past 3 mths have been adventurous and loving. Sleeping under the stars, kissing my shoulders EVERY morning to wake me up, cuddles, etc. We hadnt had a fight in months, which is huge. The other day we had a dispute that pertained to him saying he doesnt have remorse/regrets towards anything he has done or said. Even in regards to wanting divorce before. I got upset, and every time i questioned something, he kept saying painful things that were conflicting things he said/did before...that worried me..and I kept asking about it past his bedtime. July 4 he wrote down 4 questions in a book for me to answer.

1: Why are we in a relationship if there will never be trust between us?

2: If you want me to tell you what I want, why don't you listen to the answer?

3: We prolong the inevitable outcome trying to patch up our relationship. I thought you didn't want that to happen? Not lead you on like I did my other relationships?

4: I'm sorry we rushed into marriage. I thought it would help your anxieties

I was starting crying. He was calm and collected so he wasn't being a jerk at all. In fact, he was crying too. He said that the past 3 months have been just 'okay'. Like, he enjoyed going to new places.. but he didn't feel fulfilled, because he felt like he couldn't trust me enough to open up to me about how he feels about things, cause I react so he hides it and feels unfulfilled as a result. And that he was trying to ignore how he felt and just tried to pretend? That he would rather do adventures alone. That he would be unhappy without me, but unhappier with me cause he doesn't want to deal with anyone's stress other than his own atm. That he doesn't 'want' this, he feels he 'needs' it. That he isn't himself. I said "I thought we were doing great the past 3 months". I spent a lot of money doing everything he loves. Him taking selfies everywhere with me, and I controlled my anxiety so much better. He would kiss me every morning so sweetly.. and he told me "for you the adventures were great, but I was not happy, it was not enough. I felt something missing. I haven't been happy for a while".

I told him that if I don't make him happy, then I'll accept his wishes. He started getting sad. And then he said... "I want you to be happy too honey and you don't seem like you have been lately either" I told him "I dont understand..whenever you seemed upset I always asked what was wrong and you said it was work or something..and when I ask you if it was me, you got mad that i didn't believe you were happy with me. You always complain I don't believe you cause I need reassurance ...and that it hurts your feelings. Why are you proving me right?" And " if you are so unhappy the past couple weeks, why did you want to surprise me with a tattoo wedding band?" he said "it was your idea"...wow. I mentioned it as a joke 1 YEAR ago. I accidently found out the secret that he was going to do it and he got upset that I spoiled the surprise. My 'idea' my ass.
I asked him if he wanted a separation or a divorce. He said "I want a divorce because it would be harder to be just separated and it wouldn't allow me to fully let you go cause you'd still be...'here' in a way." But then i asked if he wants it for 'now' or 'forever' and he said " for now" And then told me he loves me, reciprocated that we love each other more than anybody ever, cried, etc.


I asked him if he was just trying to soften the blow on me and he really wants to be without me forever.. and he shrugged, and said "in the future, if you become more stable and happy ..then maybe we can talk about it". And I said "is that what you're hoping for?". And he shook his head yes. And then I said "..or do you just really want us to never see each other again". His response was.."like i said, I don't know. I will have to be apart from you to have the answer to that"

I told him, I have nowhere to go right now (he uprooted me across country with his parents. I know no one here and haven't been in this state long enough to have a job yet) and I would like to try and get an apartment but I don't want it to be awkward living here. And he said "that's fine, and we can all like go do things as a family together but just know that we're NOT going to do things as a couple. This would be so there's no animosity in the house. The end goal is divorce so just to make that clear".


So after this, I was a mess. Just a mess. I wanted to believe his sincerity about a future with us but it seemed complicated. Especially since he said a divorce vs separation. I went to my pychologist today, cried my eyes out and she told me that, especially of his mind is already made up, and he is filing stuff, that I get that clarity I need. Not to harbor whatever answers I have. Not now. I managed to build the confidence to try and get some answers from him and this is how it went..

Me: i love you

Him: I love you too..

Me: Do you..have romantic feelings for me?

Him: Can you give me an example? i don't understand.. I don't have a crush, anymore...which is normal?..to lose that

Me: You dont have an attraction to me anymore?

Him: I didnt say that, crush is different. Its that, unexplainable desire to be near and around someone. That completely irrational desire you just ...get.

Me: So you don't want to hold me or anything like that.

Him: It's not..why Im not doing that. Im not doing that cause I want a seperation.. all because I don't have a crush doesn't mean I don't love you..its normal for relationships to lose that..uncontrollable..feeling. And that progresses into the love of a relationship.

Me: You mean the Honeymoon Phase? Well yeah that's normal, usually people lose that within months of a relationship. So you progressed into a love for me..

Him: Well more that I had to love. Would have progressed into too.

Me: Do you still have that?

Him: The love for you? Yea

Me: I'm not asking if you care about me, Im asking if you are in love. I know you are pissed and sick of me..

Him: I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. That's why we are getting a divorce.

Me: You have no desire to...try in the future?

Him: I don't know hun, its not the future yet.

Me: Is that what you hope for?

Him: I hope that we can, if you improve..I dont know with the trust issues if that's going to happen. i don't know if thats fixable. Theres a lot.(gets emotional)...of aspects I want to keep to be with you, but there are too many things that are wrong, emotionally, on a daily level.

Me: I dont want to put that on you either. I can't even...iono. Im saying I hope you don't close the...book on me. Im asking if you moved on.

Him: I have no idea cause you're still here.

Me: Cause I don't...i dont want anyone else but you.

Him: Right now, I don't want you in mine

Me: I just don't want you to leave me..false hope to make this process more easy for me..

Him: I cant answer for a future self. You cant answer for a future self. You can't promise that you will be different..

Me: No, but I've been really trying...

Him: I know, but trying isn't..good enough, thats what we concluded. What you're doing is a process, I know.

Me: You told me you felt something was lost the last 3 months. Thats why I asked if you moved on..

Him: I think that is what I decided when I initially told you I wanted Divorce.

Me: That you wanted me out for good?

Him: No, for now..

Me: All I have been told..from people, is that you want to be apart for good. Like, this is it and never again and you are trying to..let me go politely. That people don't get divorced for 'breaks'.

Him: Then why do I maintain friendships and stuff with ex's?

Me: But they are friends, I don't want to be friendzoned lol

Him: I know, thats not the point..you said they said never again and I am just proving that's...not the case. I don't do that to people.
(Some injection of small talk and jokes)

Me: Just, tell me the last 3 months werent...fake

Him: I didn't say they were I just said something was missing it doesn't mean i didn't enjoy myself.

Me: Like...sleeping under the stars and cuddling..

Him: It was, awesome...and I want to do that again, with you.

Me: (starts crying) I didn't expect you to say that. I just, I've never loved anyone like I love you. Despite the fact your life is like.. Guinness Book of World Records weird. (Insert us laughing).

Me: I know you don't want to be with me right now. Do you ever feel like.. someone could come and take that spot?

Him: Im not..looking?
Him: .........no one can..replace what we had. All I want is a better version of what we had. With you.

Me: But you want a divorce to do so. You know we can just... try a trial seperation..i know many people that do that..

Him: well, so I still do want the divorce... I started the paperwork..

Me: I know (starts crying). I knew when you deleted my family and..

Him: I...I don't want to see their posts and be reminded. I have, no preference if you want to stay in this area. Thats your choice.. for me, having the divorce in a separate place is enough. I'm not worried if you want to make a life for yourself here? Or grow and devolop here? And then we would, you know,*keep in touch..it's a lot easier, than you going all the way back to Minnesota to that whole lifestyle..which you dont want.

Me: If I moved to MN that would..obliterate any chance of us getting back together so how could that not matter?

Him: Well obviously I have a preference but its your decision.

Me: and your preference is based on the future possibility of us?

Him: Correct..which is, what you wanted. But I don't want you to see this is me leading you on or something. This is YOUR decision.

Me: I didn't say it was.

Him: I know but you keep saying 'don't do it, don't lead me on'.

Me: if you tell me numerous times that you're not leading me on and explaining yourself, then I don't think that you're leading me on. If you're honest in saying that, you Aspire for us to reconnect in the future then... You know? I just never got why divorce had to be absolutely part of it since its so.....final. I don't know.

Him: We are divorcing our current way of life. Change has to happen for things to happen again. That's what I need you to understand. I am not going to get back with you if you are the same way.
(Then somewhere we were talking about boundaries or changes)
Me: well, I can let you know that I'm just never going to be into the open poly thing

Him: I didn't necessarily say that I wanted that. I told you I don't know what I want. But monogamy never made me happy in other relationships so I don't know. I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone else, I don't even have the desire to have sex with anybody else but you. I love having sex with you.

I think somewhere in there I got a hug from him..cried my eyes out cause it was the first hug I had in over a week. I told him..barely even able to get the words out that he is the love of my life, and he said "I know hun, I know" I prompted to ask him if he felt that way and he said "you know the answer to that *shakes head* you are the person I want to be with"

And that ended that conversation.

Basically I am wondering your takeaway on his end.
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Old Yesterday, 06:27 AM
 
Location: Aberdeen
177 posts, read 270,632 times
Reputation: 412
I am not sure what you don't understand. From my perspective, he has been pretty clear. And if you were able to empathize with others, you would be able to see where he is coming from. Being that I have been living in your husbands same position for the past 10+ years, let me try to be as clear and blunt as possible. Please understand that I am not trying to make you feel bad or hurt your feelings, but to help you understand...


Your husband is exhausted from walking on egg shells around you. The trust issues come from never knowing when you are going to explode. No matter how many times you may say "I love you" or what you do for him/to him to make him feel loved, your lack of control over your emotions and your continual projection of your emotions on him communicates to him that you do NOT love him. He wants out because what you have isn't really a marriage. It is a relationship that revolves around you and your emotional state. If the situation were reversed, everyone would recognize this for what it is, an abusive relationship. Continue with your counseling. Make sure the counselor is helping you develop for emotional self control and emotional intelligence. If you really love your husband then get better. He may leave and file for divorce. If you two stay together, or get back together in the future, I highly recommend that you encourage him to get counseling for the trauma caused by the emotional abuse. You two cannot have a happy future unless you both get healthy.


God Bless
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Old Yesterday, 06:29 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,240 posts, read 41,828,694 times
Reputation: 83060
He really, really wants out. He's done.

He loves the "you" that he wishes was there, the "you" without the PTSD. But he isn't in love with you as you are, the you that he doesn't think will actually be different. He can't be himself because he thinks he has to walk on eggshells to keep you from losing it. He doesn't reveal his true feelings to you because he doesn't trust that you will be able to take it.

Get the divorce, and focus on really getting intensive help for your issues. It's crippling you right now, and the two of you are in a pattern that is dragging you both down.

Get your personal business in order, make an extra appt with your psychologist and prepare for life on your own.
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Old Yesterday, 06:50 AM
 
5,123 posts, read 2,754,399 times
Reputation: 9432
I couldn’t make it passed the 2nd paragraph but clearly he does love you but wants out. That is every bit his or your right. He wants you to seek mental treatment to work on your wellness but doesn’t want to be in a partnership with you going forward.

I would say at this point it’s done and instead of being confrontational just embrace him as a friend and transition out of your marriage effortlessly while focusing on your mental health.
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Old Yesterday, 06:51 AM
 
7 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
But he isn't in love with you as you are, the you that he doesn't think will actually be different
I understand he is done. But I'm just saying.. he wants me within the proximity for future tryings sake. Ya know?What he wants is a better version of what we had, with me, cause what we had was 'irreplaceable' or whatever.
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Old Yesterday, 06:56 AM
 
2,102 posts, read 1,688,421 times
Reputation: 2537
Feelings and relationships are complex, sometimes making words inadequate at best and confusing at worst. You need time apart. Maybe you both will find other future spouses and happen to reunite years later and become really good friends. But the hubby wife phase seems done. Sorry.
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Old Yesterday, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,240 posts, read 41,828,694 times
Reputation: 83060
Quote:
Originally Posted by meriland31 View Post
I understand he is done. But I'm just saying.. he wants me within the proximity for future tryings sake. Ya know?What he wants is a better version of what we had, with me, cause what we had was 'irreplaceable' or whatever.
Irreplaceable?

Well, that’s not the point to argue right now. Phrases like that make the very scary idea of divorce seem less scary. Whether other people come into the picture or not, you two do not work on your current version.

You may reconnect one day, far into the future. But that idea should only be a distant “maybe.”

For now and the foreseeable future you need a clean, definitive break. Period.
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Old Yesterday, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,782 posts, read 7,701,741 times
Reputation: 15057
Imho, people with mental health issues shouldn't get married, unless they get them under control and stay that way for several years. Same goes for drug addicts, alcoholics, people who are grossly obese etc. They just drag others into their mental problems.
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Old Yesterday, 07:26 AM
 
603 posts, read 204,254 times
Reputation: 1827
I'm sorry to say this, but he's trying to soften it for you. He has no intentions to reconcile in the future. I think he is just trying to help manage your anxiety. Move forward with the understanding that what you had was special, but its season has passed.
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Old Yesterday, 07:34 AM
 
10,150 posts, read 4,049,404 times
Reputation: 25706
How long did you date before you were married? You state he feels like you both rushed into marriage.

And how many ex's does this guy have, exactly?
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