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Old 07-16-2019, 02:04 PM
 
4,272 posts, read 4,702,288 times
Reputation: 2898

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
No. You haven't been patient, you've been stuck. Stubbornly stuck. Pining away for a woman who wasn't really that into you and even if she was, she was a mess. And all of the rest of it that we've constantly heard from you, the fact is, you make it about your looks, but anyone can tell that you don't like yourself that much. Any time you are challenged about it, you get all prickly.

And no, I did not say that if you change your mindset it'll still be a while BECAUSE OF YOUR LOOKS. If you change your mindset, you likely still have self-healing to do, the process is not a flip of a switch for instant results. Nothing is. You are at war with yourself, and you've got to start with a peace treaty and then build a good relationship, and that creates a possibility that if something good did come your way, you could accept it. Right now, you can't. But the mindset you've got says, "It's too much work, so much easier to give up." OK. Your life, your choice.

39? Yeah, my fiance was 56. It took him a long time to make peace with his demons, learn to appreciate himself, and to become open to possibilities. But it happened. It's never too late for anything, while you're breathing.
It was the first women outside of my family I had a deep connection with and loved so of course I was gonna hang on.. Yes she has issues but so do I. Excuse me for being human and having feelings and affection for somebody for the first time in almost 40 year and hanging on too long.

I also have seen you post about certain insecurities even you still have yet when it comes to me or men in general you have little tolerance for struggling guys who have self esteem and confidendce issues with the opposite sex.

I think it’s kind of a PTSD from your ex who you seem to correlate with every struggling guy here and it sparks something in you that takes it out on me or someone else.

I’m not him don’t project on to me his issues.

 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,152 posts, read 45,704,508 times
Reputation: 61877
You say you arenít exactly in demand, so I donít know why you canít date a woman whose company you enjoyed, just for that reason.

If I had no other options, and even if I did, Iíd be honest with the woman and if she wanted to keep company, without romantic expectations then why not?
 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:17 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,648 posts, read 4,892,517 times
Reputation: 12583
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
It was the first women outside of my family I had a deep connection with and loved so of course I was gonna hang on.. Yes she has issues but so do I. Excuse me for being human and having feelings and affection for somebody for the first time in almost 40 year and hanging on too long.

I also have seen you post about certain insecurities even you still have yet when it comes to me or men in general you have little tolerance for struggling guys who have self esteem and confidendce issues with the opposite sex.

I think itís kind of a PTSD from your ex who you seem to correlate with every struggling guy here and it sparks something in you that takes it out on me or someone else.

Iím not him donít project on to me his issues.
You completely took ALL OF THAT out of context.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,918 posts, read 7,336,954 times
Reputation: 21402
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
It was the first women outside of my family I had a deep connection with and loved so of course I was gonna hang on.. Yes she has issues but so do I. Excuse me for being human and having feelings and affection for somebody for the first time in almost 40 year and hanging on too long.

I also have seen you post about certain insecurities even you still have yet when it comes to me or men in general you have little tolerance for struggling guys who have self esteem and confidendce issues with the opposite sex.

I think itís kind of a PTSD from your ex who you seem to correlate with every struggling guy here and it sparks something in you that takes it out on me or someone else.

Iím not him donít project on to me his issues.
I've got more compassion for every struggling person than most here do, unless they are running around precisely the same track of stuck-ness as the one speaking. I even have a great deal of compassion for my Ex, PTSD or no, and I'm not arguing with you on that point.

But your particular case... Look man you've been here talking about how you cannot get love because of your looks for how many years now?

And see the vibe of conflict we've got going, it seems to flare up the minute someone suggests that there could be a different path, or that looks alone won't keep you stuck, or that there might be anything else you could be doing or a different way of thinking, or any hope for you at all.

I'll put it in a metaphorical framework, because that's how I think. It's like you are a creature in a prison, and you howl and howl, crying out at your imprisonment, but the moment someone opens the door to show you a way out, you snarl and snap at them and slam the door shut again. And go back to the howling. I know you're hurting. Everyone can tell. We can all hear you.

*sigh* Sometimes it's just... I feel like we see the particular gremlins that beset you, and several others here who are forever speaking from the same pain...mostly men, but I can think of a couple of women, too... I wish I could have ten minutes to talk to you guys in person. There has to be more to you than this. Has to be.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
14,828 posts, read 12,279,550 times
Reputation: 26286
Dude, let me see a pic of you. So I can get a better understanding of your plights.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:38 PM
 
8,083 posts, read 6,016,742 times
Reputation: 5727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I've got more compassion for every struggling person than most here do, unless they are running around precisely the same track of stuck-ness as the one speaking. I even have a great deal of compassion for my Ex, PTSD or no, and I'm not arguing with you on that point.

But your particular case... Look man you've been here talking about how you cannot get love because of your looks for how many years now?

And see the vibe of conflict we've got going, it seems to flare up the minute someone suggests that there could be a different path, or that looks alone won't keep you stuck, or that there might be anything else you could be doing or a different way of thinking, or any hope for you at all.

I'll put it in a metaphorical framework, because that's how I think. It's like you are a creature in a prison, and you howl and howl, crying out at your imprisonment, but the moment someone opens the door to show you a way out, you snarl and snap at them and slam the door shut again. And go back to the howling. I know you're hurting. Everyone can tell. We can all hear you.

*sigh* Sometimes it's just... I feel like we see the particular gremlins that beset you, and several others here who are forever speaking from the same pain...mostly men, but I can think of a couple of women, too... I wish I could have ten minutes to talk to you guys in person. There has to be more to you than this. Has to be.
I had a friend like that. Just insisted on being a "victim". It got to the point that I had to walk away because she started seeing me as the gremlin. I admit I also made my mistakes too. But in the end, the only way that they can leave the prison and defeat their gremlins is if they decide that they want to do so.

I've also dealt with a few other people that had some sort of pain because I went through that same pain. Yes, I've talked with a couple of people in a certain community that blames their looks for their loneliness. There were a couple of cases where one would try to dictate to me what I do with my time and kick me out of a website. A social media website.

My response to him is that I can visit any website I want and he is not my dictator. He has a problem and it is not their looks.


But unfortunately, in most cases, there is nothing you can do to help them. I've learned that the hard way. They will come up with a thousand or so reasons as to why they can't do what you did. If things start improving before they are ready for things to improve, they will do whatever it takes to sabotage it, even aggressively. I'm guilty of that myself.


JBT1980, I'm not saying you are like that at all. I'm just talking about my experiences with "victims". I myself have been a "victim" and I had that mindset. I eventually got tired of it because it has gotten me nowhere.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 02:39 PM
 
4,272 posts, read 4,702,288 times
Reputation: 2898
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
l



*sigh* Sometimes it's just... I feel like we see the particular gremlins that beset you, and several others here who are forever speaking from the same pain...mostly men, but I can think of a couple of women, too... I wish I could have ten minutes to talk to you guys in person. There has to be more to you than this. Has to be.

See this is what you donít get..You correlate my lack of luck with woman with simply my personality and mindset like Iím a sad sack in public who says this sh it to people.

When Iím around people im the opposite. I donít tell people Iím close to my issues because I feel like a loser so I do it anonymously here.

If you go up to almost anyone Iíve met they would tell you Iím a good natured caring person and would be shocked if I told them any of this.

Iím not saying any of that to brag at all Iím simply painting the picture of the difference between me venting on here and in the real world
 
Old 07-16-2019, 04:12 PM
 
141 posts, read 23,773 times
Reputation: 235
People pick up on others complexes often subconsciously. You don't have to walk up to someone and tell them all this stuff explicitly, a person's attitude manifests in all sorts of unspoken & subtle ways.

I haven't been here long and don't know you so if it doesn't apply, cool. Just wanted to say, it's not always about what you say directly to people.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,918 posts, read 7,336,954 times
Reputation: 21402
And sometimes it not only isn't about what you say to people, and it's not even about the impression they get of you. Sometimes it is in choosing not to see something because you don't believe in it. Like not picking up on flirtation because you are just so damn sure you're ugly and no one wants you. Or sabotaging a possibility because deep down you don't believe you deserve anything good. With no conscious thought.

I'm not talking about this woman you went on a date with, by the way. I'm just giving examples of ways in which people who carry persistent negative self talk of some kind, tend to have it influencing things in ways they often can't even see.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 04:51 PM
 
141 posts, read 23,773 times
Reputation: 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
And sometimes it not only isn't about what you say to people, and it's not even about the impression they get of you. Sometimes it is in choosing not to see something because you don't believe in it. Like not picking up on flirtation because you are just so damn sure you're ugly and no one wants you. Or sabotaging a possibility because deep down you don't believe you deserve anything good. With no conscious thought.

I'm not talking about this woman you went on a date with, by the way. I'm just giving examples of ways in which people who carry persistent negative self talk of some kind, tend to have it influencing things in ways they often can't even see.
Totally agree. I look back on my life and see things I didn't see at the time - definitely a few missed opportunities (mainly friendship though) because of my own beliefs about myself.
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