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Old 07-16-2019, 08:51 PM
 
8,083 posts, read 6,020,979 times
Reputation: 5727

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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That was me. Two different friends actually, one a female friend I've known for 15+ years (from college, same major, spent lots of time together), the other a guy I've known for 20 years (from high school). I'd talked to them both about my lack of success in dating. The woman said she'd never seen anyone interested in me in the years we were in college together (insinuated really, I mentioned something about possibly missing signals from interested women all along, and she got a sad look on her face and shook her head), the guy (a ladies' man) said I come off as too...friendly?...to women and turn off their attraction. (Friendly, not in a creepy way, but in a "Aw, you're such a sweetheart" way, as opposed to a "Hmm..." way.)
Okay, thank you.

 
Old 07-16-2019, 08:52 PM
 
8,083 posts, read 6,020,979 times
Reputation: 5727
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
I may not know much about this sort of thing but I do know it's a mistake to get fixated on one person. If she doesn't say yes, move along. I've been burned badly by this in the past; finally learned to take my hand out of the fire.
Yes, definitely. I hurt myself being fixated on one person.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 10:45 PM
 
2,036 posts, read 557,417 times
Reputation: 1307
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That was me. Two different friends actually, one a female friend I've known for 15+ years (from college, same major, spent lots of time together), the other a guy I've known for 20 years (from high school). I'd talked to them both about my lack of success in dating. The woman said she'd never seen anyone interested in me in the years we were in college together (insinuated really, I mentioned something about possibly missing signals from interested women all along, and she got a sad look on her face and shook her head), the guy (a ladies' man) said I come off as too...friendly?...to women and turn off their attraction. (Friendly, not in a creepy way, but in a "Aw, you're such a sweetheart" way, as opposed to a "Hmm..." way.)
Chances are, you are not being flirty with them or weren't building any kind of sexual tension to the conversations. Basically, you are having conversations with women that you are interested in that are quite...vanilla or wooden.

I had a friend like that. He was bragging to me about this hot woman he met that he walked with to her car. I think he liked her, and she was talking about how she was having car tire problems. The dude went on about tire specifications with her till he was blue in the face. If you want to bore a woman to tears and turn her off with such talk, that's the way to do it.

It's like he'll take some inane thing a woman mentions and runs with it. The thing is, he even brags about his knowledge of car tires (he's a handy man of some sort and a gear head). As if he was trying to impress her with his knowledge that's far from romantic.

I sometimes wonder if men do this because they know they are capable of flirting, but lack the confidence or too shy to do so. So they run with what I just mentioned.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 10:46 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,701 posts, read 41,991,338 times
Reputation: 50635
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
I'm not siding with ThisTown, and especially not with his tendency to demean some people's appearance to make a point. However, are you saying there's not pretty strong agreement on who is conventionally attractive?
Sure, but for many/most, it's got built-in wiggle room. A person can weigh in on having a particular ideal, but, dollars to doughnuts, if they meet somebody they really end up liking/being drawn to/however you prefer to qualify attraction, and that person does NOT hit on all those ideal bases, they'll still gladly pair off with that individual. Ideals are not, for the most well-adjusted among us, hard and fast lines in the sand. There is typically room for compromise, and for realizing that something you never really considered you might find attractive, you, in fact, do, in a particular circumstance.

And, of course, "conventionally attractive" covers a pretty broad and diverse array. It's not a "Well, Ken and Barbie are conventionally attractive...everyone else better be glad for whatever scraps they're tossed" thing.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 11:21 PM
 
717 posts, read 185,752 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Iíve known some seriously ugly dudes with gorgeous girlfriends throughout my life. You also see it in public on a daily basis. Itís strange to me that a man would struggle so much to find a woman.

I truly believe, a man without a woman is because of their choosing.

I've never been athletically inclined.


I played baseball in my childhood. At the time it seemed I played for an eternity, but looking back I can see it was only for about five years. Hours and hours of practices and games. Hours of my dad taking me out and working with me. Playing with the other kids in the neighborhood. All those years, and I only hit one ball in a game. Mind you, I didn't get a HIT...the one time my bat connected with the ball it was a pop-up fly and I was out...so my official lifetime batting average is .000. That pop-up fly was the pinnacle of my baseball career. I quit after that year.


Next I tried basketball. The coach was mean. If you weren't paying attention during a play, cognizant of where the ball was, he'd fling a basketball at your head. I had more than one bounce off my face during practices. Water was a luxury. (Before the days they started watching these sorts of things.) His methods were extreme but the team was very good. Most of the guys developed into fine basketball players. I didn't. I couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. I couldn't dribble...I recall the only time I tried to dribble the ball down the court in a game I lost control of it and turned it over to the other team. As a result, I barely got to play. So basketball wasn't it for me either.


Eventually, later, I got around to trying golf. No teams, no pressure, as much time as I wanted to think and overthink and analyze a shot. I thought, maybe. I got the clubs, I signed up at the local course, I took lessons, I studied. And I never played a hole where I didn't have to drop a ball on a penalty stroke because the one I'd hit last hooked or sliced out into the undergrowth or the water or someone's back yard. I realized I was just wasting money on balls.


I've never been athletically inclined, and despite my absolute best effort (which is considerable, when I put my mind to it) I never amounted to much athletically. Surely you have things like that in your life that just never worked for you. Some people would find it strange that people like me struggle as badly as I did in baseball, and basketball, and golf, and what have you. The things I'm good at...yeah, I worked hard to be as good as I am at them, but there was a nascent spark of talent that allowed me to progress at them. No such spark existed for me with any sort of athletics. Likewise, I'm sure that you have things that you struggle with that some people would wonder how you manage to be so bad at them.


Dating is something else I struggle with. I have no knack for it, no inborn instinct for what to do or say or think or feel when I'm under the gun. There are many factors that compensate for so-so appearance. There are factors that can compensate for so-so personality. Either appearance or personality can compensate for so-so game. I'm sure the guys you're talking about, the "ugly dudes" with "gorgeous girlfriends," had one of those two (personality or game) going for them, maybe both. But if you're not noticeably attractive in any of those three areas? Damn right I struggle. I'm not particularly great to look at...not ugly, but no prize...you've seen my picture, in fact. Personality...amicable, but nothing that makes me stand out, be memorable or exciting. I recall in American Beauty, Kevin Spacey meets his wife's boss (and secret lover) for the umpeenth time. The boss can never remember his name, and Kevin Spacey says "Yeah, I wouldn't remember me either." That's how I feel a lot. And my ability to interact romantically with woman is laughable...like, nerdy guy in a romcom bad, except experience has taught me that such a guy gets the girl only in those romcoms.


And it's not like I haven't tried. I tried harder at dating than nearly anything I've ever done. I poured lots of sweat, money, and literal tears into self improvement...made tremendous strides, but wasn't successful. More importantly, I "put myself out there," as they say. I looked and worked for opportunities to put myself into contact with single women. I asked someone out on average about once every three weeks last year, and if you understood the population of the area I was in, you would be seriously impressed by that. The only thing I didn't do was true online dating, but I have a very good reason for staying away from that, particularly in my depopulated area.


So I got tired of it, and worse, realized from feedback on here that my efforts were not just fruitless, they were potentially creepy...being described as "always on the prowl", which to me sounded one step above "predatory"...so like when I was tired of striking out, or clanging the ball off the rim or throwing airballs, or hooking or slicing my strokes out into the nether regions...I realized that just wanting something and working for it wasn't bringing me success. And despite what They Said..."You just need to get out there and get rejected over and over, you'll get desensitized to it"...rejection never got easier. It got harder as I went along, because each time seemed more and more of an indictment on me as a person, on me as a capable male suitor. And so I've tried to walk away. Tried very hard. But this aspect that has come to define my personhood...Hapless Single...sits in the pit of my soul. I want very badly to let it go and move on to something else, whatever comes next. I just don't know how.


So yeah, you can say I chose to walk way. That's true. Maybe I should have kept merrily plugging away, going out, finding opportunities, asking, and working to piece myself back together again after being shattered by another "I'm flattered, but no, sorry, not my type." Just don't say I didn't try.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 11:22 PM
 
717 posts, read 185,752 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Chances are, you are not being flirty with them or weren't building any kind of sexual tension to the conversations. Basically, you are having conversations with women that you are interested in that are quite...vanilla or wooden.

I had a friend like that. He was bragging to me about this hot woman he met that he walked with to her car. I think he liked her, and she was talking about how she was having car tire problems. The dude went on about tire specifications with her till he was blue in the face. If you want to bore a woman to tears and turn her off with such talk, that's the way to do it.

It's like he'll take some inane thing a woman mentions and runs with it. The thing is, he even brags about his knowledge of car tires (he's a handy man of some sort and a gear head). As if he was trying to impress her with his knowledge that's far from romantic.

I sometimes wonder if men do this because they know they are capable of flirting, but lack the confidence or too shy to do so. So they run with what I just mentioned.

Very likely. I don't have game. And it's my understanding that if flirting's not a two-way street, it's creepy coming from a man.
 
Old 07-16-2019, 11:49 PM
 
717 posts, read 185,752 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
I've never been athletically inclined.

*Samson-sized snip*

Just don't say I didn't try.
To allow myself some melodrama...(or even more melodrama)...



Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say, I didn't try...

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies
You told us
The hurt, the blame!

And we will weep
To be so alone
We are lost!
We can never go home

So in the end
I will be, what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me
Now we say, goodbye
We say, you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost!
You can never go home
You are lost!
You can never go home
 
Old 07-17-2019, 12:32 AM
 
Location: La lune et les ťtoiles
17,619 posts, read 19,061,699 times
Reputation: 18963
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
I implore you, to figure out how these butt ugly broke dudes get with attractive women and youíll get more dates.
$$money$$
 
Old 07-17-2019, 01:26 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
14,832 posts, read 12,284,157 times
Reputation: 26290
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
$$money$$
Itís all bout money with women, eh.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 05:18 AM
 
2,036 posts, read 557,417 times
Reputation: 1307
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
$$money$$
I didn't want to say it because I figured someone already did in these pages of threads. lol. But yeah...those types want a provider, they provide resources to her. Meal ticket.

I'm sure some of us had seen 2 people together and you've wondered, "How the hell did he snatch her?!" Usually handsome guys tend to hit on these ladies right in front of the lesser attractive dude because they figured he's a relative (brother) or a male friend.

Sometimes these better looking guys figure they could easily snatch her away from said ugly guy. I've heard of situations like that happening.
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