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Old 07-17-2019, 05:31 AM
Status: "Beach time!" (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
10,701 posts, read 11,108,112 times
Reputation: 14082

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Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
$$money$$
Thing is about those guys whose women are with them because of money...Those women are probably not worth the trouble anyway. They may be good looking but the maintenance costs are extreme. Like a Ferrari or some other exotic car. Years back I was engaged to a woman like that. She was hot by most peopleís measure. I canít recall how many times Iíd have some guy at a bar/club/the mall/gas station/library tell me how hot she was. Thing is she was entirely consumed by material things and a huge pain in the a$$ 95% of the time.

She eventually dumped me for a guy who, among other perceived upgrades, had what she considered a higher ambition to gain wealth than I did. He eventually dumped her (no surprise) and all these years later sheís still single. Ironically enough, a lot of the ďfinancial goalsĒ she laid out for me and nagged at me to pursue and threatened to leave me if I never achieved, Iíve achieved through my own career progression and hard work anyway. Even surpassed them. And Iíve done so with an infinitely better woman (personality and appearance) by my side who hasnít nagged about it at all.

Women motivated by money arenít worth it. This is not to say every woman with a guy whoís less attractive than others is with him for his money. Attraction and relationships are a funny and unpredictable thing. Iíve seen some pretty attractive women with some guys I think most would consider unappealing appearance wise and theyíve clearly not been affluent. I think throwing out the money explanation is like hitting the easy button on something people donít understand. Itís easier to explain it away like that than to explore what it is that brought two people together and see if there is any way it can be used one oneís self for his own dating efforts.

 
Old 07-17-2019, 05:50 AM
 
2,034 posts, read 556,637 times
Reputation: 1307
Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
Thing is about those guys whose women are with them because of money...Those women are probably not worth the trouble anyway. They may be good looking but the maintenance costs are extreme. Like a Ferrari or some other exotic car. Years back I was engaged to a woman like that. She was hot by most peopleís measure. I canít recall how many times Iíd have some guy at a bar/club/the mall/gas station/library tell me how hot she was. Thing is she was entirely consumed by material things and a huge pain in the a$$ 95% of the time.

She eventually dumped me for a guy who, among other perceived upgrades, had what she considered a higher ambition to gain wealth than I did. He eventually dumped her (no surprise) and all these years later sheís still single. Ironically enough, a lot of the ďfinancial goalsĒ she laid out for me and nagged at me to pursue and threatened to leave me if I never achieved, Iíve achieved through my own career progression and hard work anyway. Even surpassed them. And Iíve done so with an infinitely better woman (personality and appearance) by my side who hasnít nagged about it at all.

Women motivated by money arenít worth it. This is not to say every woman with a guy whoís less attractive than others is with him for his money. Attraction and relationships are a funny and unpredictable thing. Iíve seen some pretty attractive women with some guys I think most would consider unappealing appearance wise and theyíve clearly not been affluent. I think throwing out the money explanation is like hitting the easy button on something people donít understand. Itís easier to explain it away like that than to explore what it is that brought two people together and see if there is any way it can be used one oneís self for his own dating efforts.
Yeah, I know this photographer that is now married to this gorgeous belly dancing instructor/model. He must post countless photos of her on FB, putting her on a pedestal...saying how "lucky a guy to have snagged a woman like her"

Even tells me he can't believe an ugly guy like him as snagged her. I didn't want to agree with him (that would've been rude), so I just nodded. lol I almost asked, "So does she prefer sex with the lights on or off?" LOL, but I did not.

The guy has nose hairs about mile long, bad breath, and dresses frumpy, (ill-fitted, baggy jeans, shirt, and ball cap) while she dresses to the nines and turns heads. Kind of a George Costanza type.

I think the reason they are together as he claims that tons of her friends and family members were unsupportive of her dream, but he was.

I'd was thinking, "Hell, I don't blame him for wanting to support a hottie that wants to become a belly dancer for a living". lol .
 
Old 07-17-2019, 05:59 AM
Status: "Beach time!" (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
10,701 posts, read 11,108,112 times
Reputation: 14082
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Yeah, I know this photographer that is now married to this gorgeous belly dancing instructor/model. He must post countless photos of her on FB, putting her on a pedestal...saying how "lucky a guy to have snagged a woman like her"

Even tells me he can't believe an ugly guy like him as snagged her. I didn't want to agree with him (that would've been rude), so I just nodded. lol I almost asked, "So does she prefer sex with the lights on or off?" LOL, but I did not.

The guy has nose hairs about mile long, bad breath, and dresses frumpy, (ill-fitted, baggy jeans, shirt, and ball cap) while she dresses to the nines and turns heads. Kind of a George Costanza type.

I think the reason they are together as he claims that tons of her friends and family members were unsupportive of her dream, but he was.

I'd was thinking, "Hell, I don't blame him for wanting to support a hottie that wants to become a belly dancer for a living". lol .
This is a great story.

I get that stories like this may indeed be exceptions. But to all the guys out there who are frustrating with their status in the dating world remember this: you don’t need to succeed with all the women. You only need one.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 09:02 AM
 
4,272 posts, read 4,704,262 times
Reputation: 2898
I think part of my frustration is having a few close good looking friends who have woman hit on them in public while Iím invisible it makes me feel even worse about myself.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
3,528 posts, read 1,610,878 times
Reputation: 4418
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
I think part of my frustration is having a few close good looking friends who have woman hit on them in public while Iím invisible it makes me feel even worse about myself.
But, but, but.... when you're older and have a good career, those women will be happy to have you as a husband.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 11:38 AM
 
3,825 posts, read 1,765,796 times
Reputation: 7533
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Sure, but for many/most, it's got built-in wiggle room. A person can weigh in on having a particular ideal, but, dollars to doughnuts, if they meet somebody they really end up liking/being drawn to/however you prefer to qualify attraction, and that person does NOT hit on all those ideal bases, they'll still gladly pair off with that individual. Ideals are not, for the most well-adjusted among us, hard and fast lines in the sand. There is typically room for compromise, and for realizing that something you never really considered you might find attractive, you, in fact, do, in a particular circumstance.

And, of course, "conventionally attractive" covers a pretty broad and diverse array. It's not a "Well, Ken and Barbie are conventionally attractive...everyone else better be glad for whatever scraps they're tossed" thing.
I don't disagree. I respond in these types of threads, though, because I think people push back against a person's claim that all of their difficulty dating is due to their looks, and in pushing back they tend to invalidate the experiences of people like me. My appearance very much limited my social life when I was young, and later on too for that matter, but the stakes weren't as high once I was an adult. I tend to believe that the people who complain here that their looks are a challenge are being pretty honest. Sometimes this forum does a sort of a just world thing on people who are frustrated, though. I'm aware that many men and women with little or no dating or relationship success let their struggles get the best of them and they may put too much focus one a single aspect of their challenge, and sure, those people often get an outcome commensurate with their weak input.

But I can easily imagine that it wasn't always that way. In any other activity, like job hunting or weight loss or learning a language or to play a musical instrument, we can look at a person who isn't having success and attribute their lack of success to the genuine difficulty of what they're trying to do. We don't blame their history of not succeeding on their current attitude, one that is the result of their struggle, and not the cause. And their fear that losing the sour attitude just puts them back where they were a few years ago when they started down this challenging and unfulfilling path is kind or rational. It feels like resistance, but it's got a basis in their lived reality. Working through that is necessary if they're to keep trying and ultimately have some success, but by blaming their attitude, we may be erasing the reality of their past experience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
I think part of my frustration is having a few close good looking friends who have woman hit on them in public while I’m invisible it makes me feel even worse about myself.
I've been you in that situation, and it sucks. You've brought this up in possibly every thread you've participated in, though. This, or things like this, happen. You need to find a way to witness other men's apparent or real ease with attracting women, and not make that a comment about you having no hope. It means something, but maybe it just means that it's easy for him to attract women. Period. Most men don't have that kind of appeal, and while they may feel a twinge of envy witnessing someone who does, they deal with those feelings and make connections with women on their terms. Men just like you. Every day.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 11:53 AM
 
7,412 posts, read 11,572,817 times
Reputation: 8208
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Yeah, I know this photographer that is now married to this gorgeous belly dancing instructor/model. He must post countless photos of her on FB, putting her on a pedestal...saying how "lucky a guy to have snagged a woman like her"

Even tells me he can't believe an ugly guy like him as snagged her. I didn't want to agree with him (that would've been rude), so I just nodded. lol I almost asked, "So does she prefer sex with the lights on or off?" LOL, but I did not.

The guy has nose hairs about mile long, bad breath, and dresses frumpy, (ill-fitted, baggy jeans, shirt, and ball cap) while she dresses to the nines and turns heads. Kind of a George Costanza type.

I think the reason they are together as he claims that tons of her friends and family members were unsupportive of her dream, but he was.

I'd was thinking, "Hell, I don't blame him for wanting to support a hottie that wants to become a belly dancer for a living". lol .
'Trade' relationships don't really work out that well IMO.

Basically what that means is that 'I like her because she's super hot', and 'she likes me because I am rich, or really funny, or really smart, have an enormous penis, etc.'

Ideally, you should like each other for the same reasons. That what some like to call ... compatibility. If you're trading goods, it will get old quickly. Good looks are only fun for so long.

Now if you're in the case where you're consensus unattractive, and you want somebody who is attractive ... you have to hope and pray that you match up in every way AND she is willing to look past your looks.

Fat chance of that happening, but I've seen it. Actually, in my experience, mostly men are willing to look past looks when they find someone compatible.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 11:55 AM
 
1,812 posts, read 529,302 times
Reputation: 2263
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
I think part of my frustration is having a few close good looking friends who have woman hit on them in public while Iím invisible it makes me feel even worse about myself.
So what are you doing about that? How will you work to make women attracted to your personality?
 
Old 07-17-2019, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,432 posts, read 41,976,963 times
Reputation: 83438
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post

I don't disagree. I respond in these types of threads, though, because I think people push back against a person's claim that all of their difficulty dating is due to their looks, and in pushing back they tend to invalidate the experiences of people like me. My appearance very much limited my social life when I was young, and later on too for that matter, but the stakes weren't as high once I was an adult. I tend to believe that the people who complain here that their looks are a challenge are being pretty honest. Sometimes this forum does a sort of a just world thing on people who are frustrated, though. I'm aware that many men and women with little or no dating or relationship success let their struggles get the best of them and they may put too much focus one a single aspect of their challenge, and sure, those people often get an outcome commensurate with their weak input.

But I can easily imagine that it wasn't always that way. In any other activity, like job hunting or weight loss or learning a language or to play a musical instrument, we can look at a person who isn't having success and attribute their lack of success to the genuine difficulty of what they're trying to do. We don't blame their history of not succeeding on their current attitude, one that is the result of their struggle, and not the cause. And their fear that losing the sour attitude just puts them back where they were a few years ago when they started down this challenging and unfulfilling path is kind or rational. It feels like resistance, but it's got a basis in their lived reality. Working through that is necessary if they're to keep trying and ultimately have some success, but by blaming their attitude, we may be erasing the reality of their past experience.



I've been you in that situation, and it sucks. You've brought this up in possibly every thread you've participated in, though. This, or things like this, happen. You need to find a way to witness other men's apparent or real ease with attracting women, and not make that a comment about you having no hope. It means something, but maybe it just means that it's easy for him to attract women. Period. Most men don't have that kind of appeal, and while they may feel a twinge of envy witnessing someone who does, they deal with those feelings and make connections with women on their terms. Men just like you. Every day.


Seems like the comment in red, as advice to the OP, contradicts all that other stuff you said up top.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
'Trade' relationships don't really work out that well IMO.

Basically what that means is that 'I like her because she's super hot', and 'she likes me because I am rich, or really funny, or really smart,...
Yep, because people like TT who judge based on appearance and reduce those relationships to something merely transactional are only viewing the arrangement from the outside and actually have no idea what goes on between the two people.
 
Old 07-17-2019, 01:49 PM
 
2,034 posts, read 556,637 times
Reputation: 1307
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
I don't disagree. I respond in these types of threads, though, because I think people push back against a person's claim that all of their difficulty dating is due to their looks, and in pushing back they tend to invalidate the experiences of people like me. My appearance very much limited my social life when I was young, and later on too for that matter, but the stakes weren't as high once I was an adult. I tend to believe that the people who complain here that their looks are a challenge are being pretty honest. Sometimes this forum does a sort of a just world thing on people who are frustrated, though. I'm aware that many men and women with little or no dating or relationship success let their struggles get the best of them and they may put too much focus one a single aspect of their challenge, and sure, those people often get an outcome commensurate with their weak input.

But I can easily imagine that it wasn't always that way. In any other activity, like job hunting or weight loss or learning a language or to play a musical instrument, we can look at a person who isn't having success and attribute their lack of success to the genuine difficulty of what they're trying to do. We don't blame their history of not succeeding on their current attitude, one that is the result of their struggle, and not the cause. And their fear that losing the sour attitude just puts them back where they were a few years ago when they started down this challenging and unfulfilling path is kind or rational. It feels like resistance, but it's got a basis in their lived reality. Working through that is necessary if they're to keep trying and ultimately have some success, but by blaming their attitude, we may be erasing the reality of their past experience.



I've been you in that situation, and it sucks. You've brought this up in possibly every thread you've participated in, though. This, or things like this, happen. You need to find a way to witness other men's apparent or real ease with attracting women, and not make that a comment about you having no hope. It means something, but maybe it just means that it's easy for him to attract women. Period. Most men don't have that kind of appeal, and while they may feel a twinge of envy witnessing someone who does, they deal with those feelings and make connections with women on their terms. Men just like you. Every day.
The bolded, just about every single woman that went out with me, pretty much said they cared more for personality than looks. I had 2 them outright tell me they don't care about looks.

I thought "hogwash" then I thought I better count my lucky stars that they don't care about looks, but...when I was relieved to have a woman date me due to my sense of humor, intelligence, outlook, etc, , someone told me that there's there's just something not right about a person that don't care about looks.

Forgot what their explanation was though. Basically, it's not normal if these people are completely throwing the physical out of the equation altogether. That the relationship may wind up being passionless if there is no physical attraction. Or something else may be missing if she is dating this guy.

I think his explanation was far reaching, but basically he/she said, "Oh, so she don't care that you're ugly? Hmmmm." In a sense, it was implied to be more of an insult than a compliment.
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