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Old Yesterday, 08:42 PM
 
41 posts, read 7,597 times
Reputation: 15

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I dated a woman from work last year. She initiated and made repeated advances over several months. I always had a massive crush on her, but feigned disinterest at first because I couldn’t match her wit. Eventually she became so forward that I caved and agreed to go out with her, even knowing we weren’t a match.

We dated casually for about six weeks. Long story short, I had no idea what I was doing with a woman, let alone one who was so strong, and made constant mistakes in dealing with her, and in my life in general, and ended up killing her attraction. I could have, but did not have sex with her despite multiple opportunitirw due to my being a weak, timid ****** with a negative attitude. She just wanted to have fun and wasn’t nearly as invested as I was. I tried to hide it, but I had it bad for her, and I think she picked up on it.

Then the rejection came, suddenly and without warning. She was shockingly callous about it. Like everything else in the relationship, I didn’t know how to handle it, and made a further messy embarrassment of myself. She kept talking to me as a courtesy, but I was just one of her male attention-givers at that point. A few weeks after blowing me off, she had sex with someone else and announced it in a group text where she knew I would read it, which shattered me. What hurt was not just the fact that she had moved on, but the mat she didn’t care if I knew. Months later, I found out that it was with one of her friendzoned orbiters, another co-worker who at one point had been no threat to me, and never would have been if I hadn’t fvcked up so bad.

Just as all this was unfolding, our work site closed down. I got laid off, and she got transferred to the company’s other office a short distance away. I quickly got another job, and a good one, but far away and with a horrible commute.

Over the ensuing months after we were separated by the site closure, I experienced what I can only describe as the worst pain known to man. The emotions were indescribable. I went complete blackout and cut all forms of contact, including social media connections. I decided I’d rather be dead to her than a platonic friend who listens to her talk about ****ing other guys.

I would be eligible for rehire at the other office six months after getting laid off, and plotted to reappear there in February in the hope of impressing her with an improved version of myself. I wouldn’t be creepy and try to flirt with her. I would accept her rejection, mind my own business, do my job, and work my ass off. If she tried to reconnect with me, which she likely would at some point, I would tell her I wasn’t interested in being just friends and that she could reach out if she changed her mind. Other than that it would be a strictly professional relationship. At first I hoped I could re-attract her, and that by fixing my previous mistakes I could sleep with her, but over time I decided to assume that this was unrealistic and that I could only hope to regain her respect and my dignity by handling myself around her… but maybe, just maybe, I could make her see me like she used to, and something would happen.

Over the winter as my six month exile neared its end, I started second-guessing the wisdom of returning. The choice of the two jobs posed a difficult trade-off. There was a legitimate argument to return to my old company, but I knew the real reason I wanted to go there was to be around her again, and I repeatedly told myself that this was a terrible reason and that acting on it would only make my life even worse than it already is.

The six month mark passed, and I didn’t go back. I continued weighting the two options, but could never pull the trigger to make the leap even though I desperately wanted to see her again.

In May, nine months since I’d last seen her, she called me from the company’s recruiting office. She was very friendly and it wasn’t weird or awkward talking to her at all, as I imagined it would be. She asked if I was interested in coming back. I told her I was thinking about it. Mostly we talked about work, but she did make a reference to our relationship last year, said “you deleted me on Facebook, that’s kinda mean,” and “you never call or text.” I don’t know why she would act like I’m the one who blew her off. It’s not like she would ever reach out if not on a work call.

Another six weeks or so passed and I continued trying to justify the move, but knew I wouldn’t even be thinking about it if not for her presence there. One day in June, I called the recruiting office to ask a question, and learned that she is no longer with the company.

So that’s it. I’ll never see her again. That job was my only hope of reconnecting with her, and certainly my only hope of re-attracting her, and now she’s gone. I have no idea why she left or what she’s doing now. I’m tempted to text her and ask, but I won’t. She was the one who rejected me, and I don’t want to be friends, so I can’t contact her. The burden of reaching out is on her, and I know I’ll never hear from her again.

Now I regret not going back when I had the chance. Even a few months with her would have meant everything to me just so I could have walked out of her life on my feet. But I can’t imagine doing that job and being there without her. Using the systems she taught me to use, and the skills I worked hard to master just to impress her. She was that place to me. I saw everything and everyone there in terms of their connections to her. It all falls apart and becomes meaningless without her there regardless of the advantages of the job over my current one. Everything there would remind me of her. I can’t stand the thought of being there without her.

Last edited by iEffedUpBad; Yesterday at 09:26 PM..

 
Old Yesterday, 09:04 PM
 
7,980 posts, read 5,991,724 times
Reputation: 5629
I feel sad for you. But all you can do is move forward. Think about all the mistakes you made and learn from it. And realize that there are others like her out there no matter how unique you think she is. There are also better matches.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:04 PM
 
700 posts, read 310,112 times
Reputation: 387
I dated a coworker. It's a disaster. She started seeing another co-worker, and told me she wasn't. What she didn't know is, I learned where he lived, and one day spotted her car in his driveway. I told someone something that I knew would get back to her and make her mad. It was my way of severing things. I couldn't go on being lied to, and trying to compete with some else. They broke up a month later and she tried crawling back. I ignored her texts, and FB msgs. Over time, I got peace of mind. She is now engaged to her kid's dad. What the poor sap doesn't realize is, he's third choice. Id never go through that torment again. I'm lucky she was fired for stealing. So there are no traces of her anywhere. LEAVE WORK WORLD AT WORK
 
Old Yesterday, 09:31 PM
 
5,438 posts, read 2,344,717 times
Reputation: 15076
Dude, we been through this before in the other threads. You must move on.

It's ridiculous, bordering on outright strange, that you'd even think about changing jobs for a woman that doesn't even really like you.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:51 PM
Status: "Mr. C's ❤️" (set 18 hours ago)
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,537 posts, read 692,572 times
Reputation: 3103
Quote:
Originally Posted by iEffedUpBad View Post
I dated a woman from work last year. She initiated and made repeated advances over several months. I always had a massive crush on her, but feigned disinterest at first because I couldnít match her wit. Eventually she became so forward that I caved and agreed to go out with her, even knowing we werenít a match.

We dated casually for about six weeks. Long story short, I had no idea what I was doing with a woman, let alone one who was so strong, and made constant mistakes in dealing with her, and in my life in general, and ended up killing her attraction. I could have, but did not have sex with her despite multiple opportunitirw due to my being a weak, timid ****** with a negative attitude. She just wanted to have fun and wasnít nearly as invested as I was. I tried to hide it, but I had it bad for her, and I think she picked up on it.

Then the rejection came, suddenly and without warning. She was shockingly callous about it. Like everything else in the relationship, I didnít know how to handle it, and made a further messy embarrassment of myself. She kept talking to me as a courtesy, but I was just one of her male attention-givers at that point. A few weeks after blowing me off, she had sex with someone else and announced it in a group text where she knew I would read it, which shattered me. What hurt was not just the fact that she had moved on, but the mat she didnít care if I knew. Months later, I found out that it was with one of her friendzoned orbiters, another co-worker who at one point had been no threat to me, and never would have been if I hadnít fvcked up so bad.

Just as all this was unfolding, our work site closed down. I got laid off, and she got transferred to the companyís other office a short distance away. I quickly got another job, and a good one, but far away and with a horrible commute.

Over the ensuing months after we were separated by the site closure, I experienced what I can only describe as the worst pain known to man. The emotions were indescribable. I went complete blackout and cut all forms of contact, including social media connections. I decided Iíd rather be dead to her than a platonic friend who listens to her talk about ****ing other guys.

I would be eligible for rehire at the other office six months after getting laid off, and plotted to reappear there in February in the hope of impressing her with an improved version of myself. I wouldnít be creepy and try to flirt with her. I would accept her rejection, mind my own business, do my job, and work my ass off. If she tried to reconnect with me, which she likely would at some point, I would tell her I wasnít interested in being just friends and that she could reach out if she changed her mind. Other than that it would be a strictly professional relationship. At first I hoped I could re-attract her, and that by fixing my previous mistakes I could sleep with her, but over time I decided to assume that this was unrealistic and that I could only hope to regain her respect and my dignity by handling myself around herÖ but maybe, just maybe, I could make her see me like she used to, and something would happen.

Over the winter as my six month exile neared its end, I started second-guessing the wisdom of returning. The choice of the two jobs posed a difficult trade-off. There was a legitimate argument to return to my old company, but I knew the real reason I wanted to go there was to be around her again, and I repeatedly told myself that this was a terrible reason and that acting on it would only make my life even worse than it already is.

The six month mark passed, and I didnít go back. I continued weighting the two options, but could never pull the trigger to make the leap even though I desperately wanted to see her again.

In May, nine months since Iíd last seen her, she called me from the companyís recruiting office. She was very friendly and it wasnít weird or awkward talking to her at all, as I imagined it would be. She asked if I was interested in coming back. I told her I was thinking about it. Mostly we talked about work, but she did make a reference to our relationship last year, said ďyou deleted me on Facebook, thatís kinda mean,Ē and ďyou never call or text.Ē I donít know why she would act like Iím the one who blew her off. Itís not like she would ever reach out if not on a work call.

Another six weeks or so passed and I continued trying to justify the move, but knew I wouldnít even be thinking about it if not for her presence there. One day in June, I called the recruiting office to ask a question, and learned that she is no longer with the company.

So thatís it. Iíll never see her again. That job was my only hope of reconnecting with her, and certainly my only hope of re-attracting her, and now sheís gone. I have no idea why she left or what sheís doing now. Iím tempted to text her and ask, but I wonít. She was the one who rejected me, and I donít want to be friends, so I canít contact her. The burden of reaching out is on her, and I know Iíll never hear from her again.

Now I regret not going back when I had the chance. Even a few months with her would have meant everything to me just so I could have walked out of her life on my feet. But I canít imagine doing that job and being there without her. Using the systems she taught me to use, and the skills I worked hard to master just to impress her. She was that place to me. I saw everything and everyone there in terms of their connections to her. It all falls apart and becomes meaningless without her there regardless of the advantages of the job over my current one. Everything there would remind me of her. I canít stand the thought of being there without her.

The bolded ^^^ says it all.

You didn't really want her back, rather you just wanted a do-over so you could to leave her on YOUR terms.

 
Old Yesterday, 09:53 PM
 
4,738 posts, read 1,430,185 times
Reputation: 6557
I say go ahead and text her.

Yeah it sounds like a really bad idea, but you're torturing yourself and it's quite clear you're not going to move on any time soon. What do you have to lose?

And why would it be so bad to be her friend? Considering your history with her, it could lead to more.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:58 PM
 
41 posts, read 7,597 times
Reputation: 15
I’m not using friendship as a back door to sex. It’s pathetic and miserable, she has a harem of douche bags doing it at all times and she knows what every one of them is up to.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:02 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,258 posts, read 41,844,197 times
Reputation: 83093
Why are you still doing this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
The bolded ^^^ says it all.

You didn't really want her back, rather you just wanted a do-over so you could to leave her on YOUR terms.

I agree. Ugh
 
Old Yesterday, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,061 posts, read 4,199,781 times
Reputation: 5381
Quote:
Originally Posted by iEffedUpBad View Post
Iím not using friendship as a back door to sex. Itís pathetic and miserable, she has a harem of douche bags doing it at all times and she knows what every one of them is up to.
It sounds like you two don't know how to communicate. That's both of your biggest problems.

Just ask her back out (I personally would move on), so that you can have closure one way or the other. Don't let this waist anymore time.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:08 PM
 
850 posts, read 1,099,264 times
Reputation: 676
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
The bolded ^^^ says it all.

You didn't really want her back, rather you just wanted a do-over so you could to leave her on YOUR terms.

yup. all about control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iEffedUpBad View Post
Iím not using friendship as a back door to sex. Itís pathetic and miserable, she has a harem of douche bags doing it at all times and she knows what every one of them is up to.
well you already had a...front door to that, and didn't do anything, so...
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