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Old 07-13-2019, 11:25 AM
 
5,172 posts, read 2,765,302 times
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Any grown man over 40 wont be comfortable with the term “girlfriend” unless she is 25.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:26 AM
Status: "Mr. C's ❤️" (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,541 posts, read 694,024 times
Reputation: 3115
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I feel this way too. It's making me get mixed signals, I think. I do still want to remain friends. Honestly, I think he's afraid to talk about it because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just need to hear from him what his intentions are. It's OK whatever they maybe either way. I just want to know and really need to hear it.
I understand, but don't let him drag this out forever.

If he can't decide, then YOU will need to make a final decision for your own sanity and peace.

Good luck.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,836 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I divorced after 26 years of marriage, so I get that you can't just throw all that away.

However ...

You two are keeping yourselves stuck. You can't have it both ways.

He's using you, and you're using him, but deep down you know that this:



...is a problem.

He's sneaking around to see you, playing the role of husband still. It's not cool. And delaying the divorce is just a way to keep you on the hook.

One of you is going to have to make a move to either 1) tell the GF exactly how enmeshed you two still are or 2) file for divorce or 3) reconcile.

Why did you separate in the first place?

It's fine to keep in contact with your ex, but not all day every day, and not the way you two are doing it.
He broke it off and said he wanted his freedom. Whatever, that means? We were constantly arguing about everything and just not seeing eye to eye. It seemed like we were in disagreement of everything and both of us just wanted to win the battle. There were some underlying personal issues we both needed to work on but nobody was changing. I think this was the biggest issue. Things just became stagnant. We tried counseling and that didn't help.

The funny thing is that now that we are separated we are getting along great. No arguing for the most part. We have learned to respect each other better and back off instead of trying to win every argument. I've told myself that I am lucky have him this way. Too bad it couldn't have been this way when we were together but that's the past. I think we both feel that we can't live together knowing it would probably go back to the same situation.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,836 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
Any grown man over 40 wont be comfortable with the term “girlfriend” unless she is 25.
OK, then what do you call her?
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,836 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
I understand, but don't let him drag this out forever.

If he can't decide, then YOU will need to make a final decision for your own sanity and peace.

Good luck.
Right?! Thanks
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,325 posts, read 41,880,675 times
Reputation: 83226
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
He broke it off and said he wanted his freedom. Whatever, that means? We were constantly arguing about everything and just not seeing eye to eye. It seemed like we were in disagreement of everything and both of us just wanted to win the battle. There were some underlying personal issues we both needed to work on but nobody was changing. I think this was the biggest issue. Things just became stagnant. We tried counseling and that didn't help.

The funny thing is that now that we are separated we are getting along great. No arguing for the most part. We have learned to respect each other better and back off instead of trying to win every argument. I've told myself that I am lucky have him this way. Too bad it couldn't have been this way when we were together but that's the past. I think we both feel that we can't live together knowing it would probably go back to the same situation.
I think you need to call his bluff and force the issue. That would mean that you have to find someone else to handle your home chores, though.

At the minimum I would do what picard suggested and let him know that if he doesn't let his girlfriend know about your relationship that you will. Enough is enough.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:38 AM
 
283 posts, read 77,327 times
Reputation: 690
Yes we stayed friendly because we had 3 young adult children and didn’t want them to suffer.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,836 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I think you need to call his bluff and force the issue. That would mean that you have to find someone else to handle your home chores, though.

At the minimum I would do what picard suggested and let him know that if he doesn't let his girlfriend know about your relationship that you will. Enough is enough.
I can actually handle my home chores and my son helps as well. I think the issue is that he feels like he still owes me something. He even offers to help pay my bills but I told him no thank you. I even told him that it's not his responsibility. I've heard the term "divorced husband" and he definitely fits this category.

I agree about telling his gf but there is a risk he may cut me off then. I still want to be friends but you are right.
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,325 posts, read 41,880,675 times
Reputation: 83226
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post

I still want to be friends but you are right.
I understand.

The thing is that friends don't treat each other this way. That's why you have this icky feeling about it.

I would start by taking charge of what YOU can control: Don't call him for favors, don't initiate contact unless it's essential about the kids, etc. It's good that you refused payment from him. Stop letting him come over during work hours like you two are having an affair.

If he has guilt, he needs to deal with that.

If he tells his GF then it shows that he is respecting you and he is respecting her and it's all above board. If not, then it's not friendship. It's dysfunction.

Just because you aren't arguing doesn't mean that what you're doing is healthy.
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,836 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I understand.

The thing is that friends don't treat each other this way. That's why you have this icky feeling about it.

I would start by taking charge of what YOU can control: Don't call him for favors, don't initiate contact unless it's essential about the kids, etc. It's good that you refused payment from him. Stop letting him come over during work hours like you two are having an affair.

If he has guilt, he needs to deal with that.

If he tells his GF then it shows that he is respecting you and he is respecting her and it's all above board. If not, then it's not friendship. It's dysfunction.

Just because you aren't arguing doesn't mean that what you're doing is healthy.
I do have an icky feeling. You are right, he does have guilt and has told me that. I appreciate your honest input.
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